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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do we make this work?

138 replies

regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 22:10

NC for this one as I don't want to be identified. Have been with DP for just shy of a year, everything was going swimmingly until I introduced him to my kids and family. 4 children ranging from 2-13 who are wonderful but like all kids very demanding. DP has 4 DC from a previous marriage but he isnt close to them and rarely sees them. I have introduced DP to the DC and it hasn't gone well. DP good with the kids but expects them to be seen and not heard, they are kids at the end of the day and they are not always well behaved but they are not banshee's either. He wants me to put the kids to bed at 7 so we can have alone time every night and have dinner w/o the DC but I dont think this is fair. I really love him but dont know how to deal with this. He has been critical of my mothering recently which upset me and he said he expected to be put first sometimes but how can I when they are my children. He wants to go on a holiday but has insisted I leave the kids with my EXH. Hes really lovely most of the time but my DC are a sticking point and Im not sure what to do to make us all more inclusive.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:25

Also what boundaries are you going to impose on your kids if there are both sides? There's only one side. His.

stitchglitched · 20/10/2016 23:25

'When he gets to know them he'll adore them just like I do.'

He didn't even adore his own children enough to have a meaningful relationship with them.

FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 23:27

Kids always come first they have to they don't have a choice you do have a choice this man is no good for your kids simple

Bob19702 · 20/10/2016 23:27

God forbid if he decided after a chat that he may change and make time to get to know them ..people can change if they love each other enough, I have children and a partner but in the last few years we have had child free holidays .

forumdonkey · 20/10/2016 23:30

He'll adore the like you do? You're delusional. My heart goes out to your kids. When they are older and talk of their childhood, I wonder if it'll be, mum got a boyfriend and we were sent to our rooms and we were left behind while she went on holiday with him. He always came first.

Single parent here btw and I've walked the walk

coolpotato · 20/10/2016 23:30

Reading between the lines, OP - I think you know this guy is wrong for you and your family and you're grasping at straws, waiting for others on here to come on and tell you it's possible for it all to work out.

It won't. If he can't deal with your kids now and your youngest is TWO, then it's going to be a few unpleasant years ahead. The fact he isn't close to his own kids rings huge alarm bells with me.

If I was in your situation, my kids would have to be first and foremost, my happiness would have to take a back seat for a bit until the kids weren't so dependant on me.

Cut your losses now. Don't invest anymore in this.

stitchglitched · 20/10/2016 23:31

Bob there is having childfree time, and then there is wanting a 13 year old sent to bed at 7, no meals with the children and dictating that they don't get to come on holiday. And this is whilst he is supposed to be getting to know them! Oh and his criticisms of the OP's parenting when he had been an absent father? Please don't validate this man's behaviour.

Dozer · 20/10/2016 23:34

He has 4DC ("mostly" grown up, "not close", apparently because he worked all the time instead of parenting them) but is "not used to" DC.

What a catch Grin

Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:34

I'm going to agree to disagree with you Bob. From a single mother perspective this is like a Worst case scenario,deal breaker kind of situation.
I'm sure many parents have been on child free holidays in their time but not because they felt pressured to by their new partner who doesn't like spending time with 4 noisy children who they feel they can't cope with. I can't see him changing because it's far easier to work on the mother to make things easier by getting her to make all the compromise, as is what we see here from this example

Bob19702 · 20/10/2016 23:34

I am not validating his behaviour i questioned his parenting skills on my first post , the wild assumptions being made of this man on this post is amazing ...is it right to advise the OP to dump him regardless without sitting down for a chat about her feelings ?

Imissmy0ldusername · 20/10/2016 23:35

I wouldn't normally post on a thread like this, but something about it has bugged me. I'm not a parent, and as a general rule, I'm not a fan of random children. But as soon as I meet the children of friends or colleagues of mine, I'm absolutely taken with them, I guess partly because they are an extension of the people I like. I therefore find it completely confusing that the person who is supposed to love you doesn't get that there are 4 smaller extensions of you, who will remind him of you in certain ways that will make him smile. I get that your DP is possibly nervous that your DC will reject him, but that's not really what you are talking about here.

I'd be thrilled to have been parachuted into a family with DC who were receptive to another adult being around. It seems a shame to me that you are having to work so hard OP to try to make things work. I bet there are plenty of people like me out there who would love a situation like yours, with all it entails.

Dozer · 20/10/2016 23:35

Your DC must want him to FOTTFSOF and FOSM

stitchglitched · 20/10/2016 23:39

Yes it is right to advise her to dump him, because if he was the right man for her family unit she wouldn't need the chat to plead her children's case in the first place. Nor would she need to 'manage' his demands.

Original poster
regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 23:41

Bob I agree and thats why I NC because I knew I would get flamed. Hes not a bad man at all but because hes struggling with my DC hes enemy of the state. I am not putting him first, if I were I would not even post this as I wouldnt even recognise there was something wrong. My DC really like him, in many ways he is great with them very engaging always asking about their school day, what they want to do when they grow up etc. I think he just finds it difficult when he spends 3 days straight with us, heck my DC stress me out sometimes!

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:42

Single parents are very vulnerable to manipulation Bob. Lonely and at home with kids, its easy to see how people fall into something because they think no one else will want them, pretty much what OP has already said. So the rest of us women are making amazing assumptions based on the very high risks involved which are little children.

The risk is so so high, that you do have to have a very strict filter and boundaries about what is, and is not acceptable. You have to give up things you want for their sake. You cannot take the risk, just because it might work out after you find out they don't really connect with your kids. For the sake of kids you have to be as bloody close to 99.9% sure as you possibly can be that this new person will be good to your precious children. Which is a ridiculously high percentage because it's such a risk. You can damage those little people for the rest of their lives. You have to be as certain as you can be that this person will Treat them well. Appreciate them. Care for their welfare.

coolpotato · 20/10/2016 23:45

And there you are, jumping o to the name of the only person that is vaguely agreeing with you. You're looking for validation of how you want things to be, yet everyone else is saying 'walk away'

I really think this will not end well. Hope not, but there are too many ifs and buts for me to risk it if it were me.

Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:46

People are angry and annoyed because it's a giant stupid sounding gamble

AyeAmarok · 20/10/2016 23:49

Oh dear.

You don't see why you need to choose? He's trying to dictate that you send your teenager to bed at 7pm so his alone time with you is not disturbed!

He wants you to pap them all off so you can both go on holiday without them.

Basically, he's happy to date you, but only if you're young, free and single. Oh, you have 4 children? Well put themselves when he's about, he doesn't want the inconvenience.

And as for putting him first sometimes... I have no words!

Bob19702 · 20/10/2016 23:49

Just to finally add I totally understand what it's like being a single parent I am one myself having custody of my two DCs for the last four years , nothing and nobody comes between the children and myself but can the OP not even discuss the situation with her DP first before making a final decision. ??

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/10/2016 23:52

A father, no matter how distant, who thinks it is acceptable to put a 13 year old to bed at 7pm must have had absolutely nothing to do with his own children during their childhood. Completely deluded

What would happen if the children came downstairs and insisted on watching tv till 10pm or the household ran like a normal household with 4 children with noise and mess and lack of privacy. How long do you think he would last.

I think the bf still thinks he is living in a hotel in some far off place where dinner is served at 7pm in a restaurant without children and no hint of family life intrudes.

Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:55

OP should not be inflicting the man on her kids. Or trying to find new ways of inflicting him gently on her kids. If she chooses to continue to date him outside of the home then that's her choice. I've dated people who have never met my kids, doesn't involve them it's totally fine.

But this is like putting your kids emotional welfare in a car without a seatbelt and driving down a rainy motorway at 90mph

stitchglitched · 20/10/2016 23:55

Do you think somebody who has the views and attitude of this man is going to suddenly have a personality transplant after a quiet word, Bob? That he has acted like this in the first place should be enough for the OP to end things. But apparently her children need to be subjected to a long weekend away and enforced activities first with a man who doesn't even want to eat a meal with them.

Bob19702 · 20/10/2016 23:57

Good grief ...I am out !!!

forumdonkey · 20/10/2016 23:58

'I have introduced DP to the DC and it hasn't gone well'
'expects them to be seen and not heard,'
'He wants me to put the kids to bed at 7 so we can have alone time every night'
' have dinner w/o the DC but I dont think this is fair.'
'He has been critical of my mothering recently which upset me and he said he expected to be put first'
'He wants to go on a holiday but has insisted I leave the kids'
' Im not sure what to do'

From your own op so many things scream out- he expects, he insists, he's critical, he's upset you, you don't think he's being fair but you are looking for a solution something to accommodate him

Myusernameismyusername · 21/10/2016 00:11

My dad is this kind of man. Through and through. He can be nice when he wants to be, but he has certain ideas about how things should be, and that's the way they need to be.
When he moved in with his new wife and her younger-than-me kids, he was this way with them too.
She stuck with him hoping he would change, and still now today she is trying to keep him happy.
He didn't change. He's never happy.
The kids hate him. They are adults now.
I think she's a twat. She didn't take any notice of what a crappy job he did the first time round, which should be all you need to know.

I am your partners older child. I see him about twice a year. He sometimes sends me money for birthdays etc. He thinks that means he's a good dad.
He isn't