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Original poster

How do we make this work?

138 replies

regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 22:10

NC for this one as I don't want to be identified. Have been with DP for just shy of a year, everything was going swimmingly until I introduced him to my kids and family. 4 children ranging from 2-13 who are wonderful but like all kids very demanding. DP has 4 DC from a previous marriage but he isnt close to them and rarely sees them. I have introduced DP to the DC and it hasn't gone well. DP good with the kids but expects them to be seen and not heard, they are kids at the end of the day and they are not always well behaved but they are not banshee's either. He wants me to put the kids to bed at 7 so we can have alone time every night and have dinner w/o the DC but I dont think this is fair. I really love him but dont know how to deal with this. He has been critical of my mothering recently which upset me and he said he expected to be put first sometimes but how can I when they are my children. He wants to go on a holiday but has insisted I leave the kids with my EXH. Hes really lovely most of the time but my DC are a sticking point and Im not sure what to do to make us all more inclusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 22:57

My kids are the most important things in my life I had just hoped I could also combine him in our lives. He does take away a lot of my attention but I am trying to manage it as best I can. Im going to sit down with him and have a chat about things I think I need to tell him my concerns and see what he comes up with.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 20/10/2016 23:00

Christ. Yeah that won't work. He's a selfish tosser - he is asking you to put him first before your kids, and criticising them - and you want a nice chat with this prick?

Your poor kids. Put THEM first.

Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:01

What? Why are you letting him come up with more suggestions?!
I'm actually shocked
You know you are the mother right? And it's up to you what is or is not acceptable?

You cannot manage this, you shouldn't have to it's not even an option!

I understand your disappointment in not being able to combine your lives but now it's pretty obvious you have to deal with it. You break up or he is completely separate from them. And you do not try to appease him by dumping off your kids to make him happy, because your kids will really grow to resent both of you

stitchglitched · 20/10/2016 23:06

FFS this man was a useless father to his own kids and now you want to subject yours to him aswell. You shouldn't have to 'manage' the competing needs of your minor children and your adult boyfriend. Pathetic.

Original poster
regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 23:07

username who said anything about dumping my kids? i wont do that to them but all I was asking was for advice because hes not used to being around young demanding kids. Hes not a bad person at all but he just struggles to cope sometimes. There arent many men out there that would look at me twice with 4 kids. He just needs to learn to adapt to our way. He doesnt live with us at the minute its somethng we have discussed and he was keen even though it would mean lots more time with the DC so he cant be THAT bad. I was also thinking of doing shared activities with the kids, baking and painting as a family so that we can all have fun together.

OP posts:
FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 23:07

Get rid of him your kids come first. It don't test you've know for a year. No one would tell me how to parent my kids ever. You can't put a 13 year old to bed at 7! It's a bad sign he has no contact with his own children

FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 23:09

He ain't a decent man if he doesn't even have contact with his own children. Are you that desperate you'd settle for this shit?

Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:09

Oh ok he's a prize and you won him?

He isn't looking at you twice with 4 kids because he doesn't want them. So you haven't got what you wanted anyway.

You already admitted that he takes up a lot of your attention, which in my mind means that you do already feel like you put his needs above theirs. Whether that is dumping them on babysitters or making them go away so you can eat dinner with him

Bob19702 · 20/10/2016 23:11

I slightly disagree with the pp's, surely the OP knows her partner better than any of us if she feels that sitting down and having a chat is the best way forwards then that is her decision rather than dumping him instantly....just saying

Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:11

How you cannot see that it is bizarre you feel the need to acclimatise this man via baking activities to your children is beyond me Confused

YNK · 20/10/2016 23:11

Cut your losses now.
If this is him trying to win you, he's failing dismally.
He's telling you what he's like, so listen to him.
It's not going to improve with time.

TheCraicDealer · 20/10/2016 23:11

Don't kid yourself- shared activities, baking and painting just ain't going to happen. He won't even eat dinner with them!

stitchglitched · 20/10/2016 23:12

'There aren't many men out there that would look at me twice with 4 kids.'

Yeah well stuff your kids welfare then, you can't possibly go without a man. Best take what you can get Hmm

TheNaze73 · 20/10/2016 23:14

He sounds like an epic twat.

Children must come first here

0dfod · 20/10/2016 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 23:18

I think its a positive step that he has told me that he is struggling many men would not have been that open. I love my DC and I also love my DP im not sure why I have to make a choice. I am going to sit with him and tell him his demands are unreasonable and that he needs to develop more patience when it comes to my DC. I just think boundaries need to be drawn on both sides.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:19

Bob19702

In the OP the man in question did not suggest a child free holiday, he insisted on it.
He doesn't sound like a very reasonable person

forumdonkey · 20/10/2016 23:19

You sound like you are putting his wants before your children. Imagine how your kids must be feeling, sent out of the way because he says so. A massive rejection by their own mother.

FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 23:19

My friend had four kids she met and married someone when her youngest was just two. Been together now 16 years. He also supported her financially whilst she went to uni for three years.

FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 23:20

You haven't mentioned the fact he had nothing to do with his own kids that's a massive red flag does he financially support them

forumdonkey · 20/10/2016 23:21

Positive step or telling you what he wants?

Original poster
regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 23:22

forum I dont send my kids away they do their homework and read in their rooms which they are all happy to do. I agree a happy medium needs to be struck and I think more time with the DC needs to happen because when he gets to know them he'll adore them just like I do. .

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:22

OP while I think you are trying your best, you can't go out and buy patience in Tesco. He doesn't have it. Baking, weekends away and moving in will not generate this however hard you try. You can indeed ask him to try but you need to be very realistic that he is a man who doesn't have patience with children. His are all grown up and he doesn't have much experience of parenting from the sounds of things. He's insisting on things and critiquing your parenting which lovely people do not do.

You don't have to put up with a substandard partner because you worry you won't find another

stitchglitched · 20/10/2016 23:23

You have to make a choice because you have a responsibility not to fuck up your kids childhoods by forcing them to have a resentful, selfish man in their lives. You are in danger of becoming one of those women you read about, who puts their latest man ahead of their children. Is that the sort of parent you thought you would be?

Original poster
regencyromancer · 20/10/2016 23:24

his kids are mostly grown up now but he does support them all despite some of them being in their twenties. I dont think its a red flag I think there are lots of divorced dads out there that are not close to their kids. Its not like he never sees them but not regularly. they have busy lives as does he.

OP posts: