MIL no-contact, DH sad, what to do?

[DilapidatedGlamourpuss]

This is going to be long, and MIL related. Sorry. I just don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to dripfeed. This is so identifying to anyone who knows me but I don’t even care anymore.

I’ve been with my DH since we were 18 (we met at uni), and we married this year. We are in our late twenties. We relocated earlier this year for his job to the US. Our relationship is mostly great and we are very happy together. There’s one problem, my MIL. We are now completely estranged and its breaking my DH’s heart. We are due to go home for Christmas and I have no idea what we’re going to do.

I’ve always felt that MIL has disapproved of me, and we have clashed over the years when I have refused to toe the party line like the rest of the family. Everyone does what she says, because if they don’t she cries, or is ill, or starts an almighty row. I’m not used to such a manipulative dynamic in my own family, and it made me very wary of her.

Whatever we did wasn’t the right thing. Jobs, where we chose to live, the fact we hadn’t bought a property by 25, our friends, the fact that I have had MH problems and have had some time out of work over the last few years due to ill health.

When I was 19 and disclosed that I had been abused she asked whether I had been tested for STIs, as she didn’t want me to pass anything on to her son. I was going through the ordeal of seeing the case go to trial, giving evidence in court and watching it be plastered all over the national news at the time. It made me feel so ashamed and dirty and I have never forgotten it. She tried to persuade my DH to leave me at the time, something he let slip. I let it go then, as I was grateful she hadn’t thrown me out of their home for my disclosure. I have come a long way since then.

Over the years, I veered between avoiding her and trying to be accepting of her personality, out of love for my then DP. There were times when we got on better, even though I still felt the underlying disapproval. So, last year we got engaged and planned a wedding very quickly as we wanted to move to the US. We would have got married in the following 18 months-2 years, but we had been given this opportunity of a lifetime and to be together needed to be married. And that’s where the trouble began.

She ruined our engagement party by crying and storming off when she found out we weren’t going to be married in church. She continually made digs about this, even though she knew I had been abused in a church setting and this was really triggering for me, which I explained to her. She goaded me into screaming at her and getting completely hysterical when we went round there by constant little digs about how what we were planning wasn’t good enough, because she didn’t have enough involvement. I tried to involve her in the beginning, but she wanted to entirely take over so I drew back.

In the interests of full disclosure, we asked her to make the cake as this is something she does as a hobby and is very good at. I thought it would be a good way to make her feel involved, but I think this was a mistake. They also offered money, which we accepted. This was also not a good idea - we were able to pay for the wedding but I think DH didn’t know how to not accept their offer. I did meet her and forgive her for the above, before Christmas. I made some compromises to try and make her happy – not having the humanist ceremony we really wanted and we tried to accommodate them with the food.

My DH left for the US in January a few months before the wedding, so on the whole I had to plan it without him, but was running everything past him over Skype. I met her for coffee with my DMum, as I had a feeling she was going to create a scene or try and manipulate me, which is exactly what happened. What was meant to be a talk about wedding plans turned into her screaming that the wedding would be a shambles, it wouldn’t be real as it wasn’t a church wedding and that she wasn’t coming. In a shopping centre. It was so embarrassing and I was very upset. We tried to cut the scene short, and walked away. She followed, shouting at us. This is because I told her we would be getting married in another room than originally planned, because the guest list had gone up. She then sent me a very malicious text after. My DP was in the US, absolutely heartbroken and bewildered that she had said she wasn’t going to come.

To cut a very long story short, she came to the wedding and we managed to keep it civil. This was through various people in the DH’s family putting pressure on me to meet her and talk about it. Everyone is desperate to placate her all the time. After the wedding, I discovered she had tried to manipulate the wedding planner into changing the room, been horrible to my bridesmaids when they changed their dresses in the evening, ran our wedding down to anyone who would listen and had a massive row with her DSis because I met her for lunch. As far as I know, they still aren’t speaking.

After this, I decided I could have no contact with her. She made the run up to our wedding the most miserable time of my life, when it should have been happy. She does not understand why I won’t have anything to do with her, even though she has had it explained by various family members. My DP is desperate to have us in the same room at Christmas- we are both homesick and he is so sad that we are estranged, even though he is completely on the same page that what she has done is awful. She is still his Mum and he loves her, even though he doesn’t like her behaviour. I hate seeing him cry about this, but I’m still so angry with her I think meeting her would make it worse. I feel such hatred and bitterness towards her for everything that has happened over the years and I don't want to inflame the situation further by losing my temper.

So – does anyone have any idea where to go from here? If you got to the end of this congrats, it was long.

I do recognise the guilt and the not being able to relax; trying to keep it running smoothly. I was in touch with lots of different friends yesterday, trying to make arrangements for us to see everyone while we are home.

He won't make arrangements, he will bury his head in the sand and try to sort out seeing people when we get back, so I thought I'd better just get on with it. On his last trip home in May he barely saw anyone as he spent nearly the whole trip in 'crisis talks' with MIL... and still says now how annoying it was that he didn't meet up with anyone

Sorry Francis, x-posted there. My two best friends from home are telling me to stay as well. I'm undecided, I have a lot to think about.

I think I can let the party go if he agrees to prioritise our time together after but I don't know if he will agree to compromise

Why should you at all let the party go?. Who died and made him king?.

He would rather continue to play ostrich than to at all make compromises. There's an awful lot he won't do; stand up to his mother for one (many reasons for that amongst which he would rather see you take the flak instead of him), seek counselling, even making arrangements to see friends last May because he was in crisis talks with Mother. Your H is now several years work for even the most patient of therapists and he badly needs therapy. He won't seek it though due to his mother's brainwashing of him, he is really a carbon copy of his parents. This is the result of his upbringing at their hands.

I would seriously consider whether you now actually want to remain married to him because life with him going forward will be extremely difficult. Love is simply not enough in these situations.

Of course he will agree to compromise. He will take your hand and tell you how much he loves you and how he will do anything in the world to make you happy . And explain that he's only asking this tiny little thing of you, If you really loved him you would do it.

And if you say no, he will cry and say he can't cope anymore. That everything is so awful and all he wants is for everyone to be happy although you are not included in that everyone Then he will cite your marriage vows and ask you if you really meant them and ask if you still love him or if it was all a mistake.

Perhaps he will start a pity party , saying what a terrible husband he is and how he doesn't know how you put up with him . That if he was stronger he could fix up but he just can't because [insert reason here].

Then if you don't do what he wants , he will punish you - how does he usually do this ? Sulking ? Storming off and not telling you where is ? Withholding sex or affection or money?

As to where or not he actually will compromise.....well the best predictor of the future is the past. So think, over the last ten years, when he really wanted one thing and you really wanted another - how many times did he compromise and do what you wanted ?

Just wanted to say I'm still here. I don't really know what to say to the last few posts because I know you're right but I feel so much grief for what I thought we had together that I don't have any words left

I really feel for you Vodka, my heart goes out to you!! How about both of you use this trip to spend time with your individual families, but spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as a couple (if you still want to have that special time with DH). Could be a romantic getaway 'first' Christmas but also let you spend some time recharging with your family. (Also gives DH a full unbuffered dose of MIL narcissism without you being the target - BONUS!)

Im so sorry.

Huge hugs Vodka, To be honest, the fact that even on the other side of the world your dh is backing his Mother doesn't bode well. When my in laws were in New Zealand, our marriage went from strength to strength. The longer they were away, the more clearly he saw the situation and the angrier he got at his Mother.

Your dh getting angry at you and saying you don't get to 'play the wife card' is forcing you to choose. He has given you an ultimatum. He is telling you that unless you put up and shut up with his Mother, you dont get to be his wife. You can bet that his Mother has carefully helped him plan this to a T. He thinks that you love him so much, that you will jump and do as he says at the thought of losing him.

I'm sorry but this would be the last straw for me and I have been forced into ultimatum situations by my in-laws, what they didn't realize is that my husband would always choose me, just as I would choose him.
Unfortunately your dh has chosen his Mother and he will one day hate himself for it. It doesn't matter who he brings home after you, his Mother will play the same games again and he will choose her over and over again.

Please listen to the above, as if you do choose him, you have a lifetime of being ruled over by two narcissists. You will come bottom of the pile over decisions over what your child will wear, how they will be parented, who their friends will be, how often your family will be 'allowed' to visit, whether you are allowed to breastfeed. You wont have a life and your children wont either, well maybe the 'golden child' will.

You deserve better, you have given up family, friends and career to move half way across the world and he treats you like second best. He manipulates you and allows his Mother to treat you appallingly, forcing you to either put up with it or take the leave card. Take the card, its a get out of jail free card and you will be so thankful for it when you are finally free of his gaslighting and manipulation.

Vodka, you are not asking your husband to choose, because you are not asking him to stop seeing his mother.

You are asking him to stand up for you when you are insulted and humiliated. And not only does he fail to do this, but joins in your humiliation.

I think you need to give him a sharp shock and see how he reacts. If he systematically chooses his mummy over you, then he's got a very serious problem. Don't put up with it.

You poor thing, Vodka. I've been following your thread with an increasing sense of hopelessness. I hope it's not too blunt to say that your DH probably isn't all the things you thought he was. He is, fundamentally, a coward. You seem to have strength of character, while it seems that he has none. It's so very sad.

It seems from your thread that you know what you want, and have set out your stall. In your shoes I would now let whatever happens, happen. I fear that your DH will prove to you that he places you behind his DM. The sad thing is that he will genuinely feel trapped and probably genuinely hate her for trapping him.

I would be entering the Christmas period with the expectation that your DH will show you his hand, and as a consequence I would go to the U.K. prepared to stay, at least for a while. After all these years, perhaps your DH deserves one last chance to take your side. Maybe by the time February and March roll round and he sees that you mean it, he may start to reconsider what he will lose by making his DM his choice. And, maybe, he will step up. You never know. Nobody likes an ultimatum, but honestly you're not the one giving it. It's his DM. Her or you.

I do feel for you, marriage in a foreign country is hard enough as it is.

Good luck, wish you well.

I fear that your DH will prove to you that he places you behind his DM. The sad thing is that he will genuinely feel trapped and probably genuinely hate her for trapping him.

Unfortunately it seems more likely that he will hate Vodka for making him choose. If he was going to hate his mother he would be there already.

Vodka can I just say that when I referred to the booby prize I meant that all your MIL would win is a very hollow victory. Not that your husband was the booby prize.

Unfortunately it seems more likely that he will hate Vodka for making him choose. If he was going to hate his mother he would be there already

Vodka is not making him choose anything or anyone. She is simply stating her own boundaries

" I don't want to spend time with someone who treats me badly "

And her husband won't accept that she has the right to make her own boundaries and hold them. He is trying to control her and make her do what he wants .

I think it's really unhelpful to frame this as " he has to choose between his mother and his wife " . He doesn't . He has to stop being a controlling manipulative arsehole .

Lets face it, she's not the first MIL to be rude to her sons partner and try to control Christmas etc. Most men just cope with it by saying " no sorry mum, but we have decided to do this instead. And if you can't be nice to my wife I won't be seeing you anymore. " End of.

It's vodkas DH who's is choosing to make this into a life and death issue. He is trying to control his wife the same way his mother has controlled him.

Hes refused to discuss it and refused to get counselling . He doesn't want to stop his controlling behaviour .

Sorry, that sounded very critical of other posters who have framed the issue in a different way and I don't mean it like that. I know we are all doing our best to help the OP, who is understandably very upset .

Kr1stina I agree with you. Vodka has reasonable requirements and boundaries. MIL has no respect for or interest in those boundaries.

Vodka's DH is the one setting it up as a choice. In his terms, Vodka is making him choose between his mother and his wife because Vodka won't play happy family and ignore MIL abusive behavior. Vodka is not trying to make him go NC with his family, just refusing to go along with the charade.

Honestly, the more I type here the less benefit I seen in all this for you Vodka. Where in any of this are your wants and needs being prioritized? Your DH is the one who should always be on your side, and he just isn't. You need to put yourself first for a change. See your family. Don't see his, end of. And take that extra time away from him to try and see the situation more clearly.

Good luck, it sounds incredibly hard. I'm an expat from the US living in the UK and I know how hard it can be when your whole support system is on a different continent. Take advantage of being home with your support system to talk through these issues with those who know you best.

This might not be helpful so apologies if it isn't but is it completely necessary to attend this wedding? It seems as though the wedding is being used by you DH and possibly you mil to force you into a situation where you have contact with mil? I suspect that a travelodge is not beyond your financial capabilities so it would be perfectly possible to stay in a hotel but your DH is using the opportunity to get you to his parents house. Perhaps he hoped that once you are there, mil will apologise, you will accept and everything will go back to "normal" or his version of normal at any rate.

If you didn't attend the wedding you could presumably go straight to stay with your own parents and tell him he is welcome to join you at any time. Just a thought.

Has your DH been able to put forward any sort of compromise position at all? Or is the only acceptable course of action as far as he is concerned that you pretend to forget everything and smile sweetly so he can pretend to himself that it's all as if it never happened?

I feel for you, this has clearly opened up a can of worms and it must be beyond difficult to try to deal with all of this when you are so far from home.

I wonder if your mum's comment about "not wanting to live like that" was an attempt to let you know that if you did want to take a break and go home no one would judge you for that? I appreciate it might not seem helpful at the moment but I wondered if that might be where she was coming from?

I really hope you find a way through this soon, look after yourself x

Hi everyone. You are all so kind, thank you x

I talked with DH last night. I said that I will see MIL but I want a full apology for everything she has done to me with no excuses/justifications from MIL, very firm boundaries decided by me and that I will never allow her to control me again. This apology has to happen before we go home. If it doesn't work out, then that's it, no more contact. He has to agree to make me his priority at Christmas (and always), and stand up for me if (and when) she starts. And he will have to accept that, or I go home to England permanently.

You probably think I've lost my mind, but I don't think she'll agree to it in the first place. Or alternatively, I'll give her enough rope for her to figuratively hang herself with over Christmas because she won't be able to not say or do something. She won't be able to resist.

I also want to give my DH one last chance to prove himself. I'm seeing this situation through new eyes through this thread and I don't like what I see at all. However, I've given this relationship 9 years and I still love him. Hopefully he can prove how much he loves me. If not at least I'll 100% know where I stand.

Whatever happens I'm not staying at their house, being picked up from the airport by them or spending Christmas with them!

I don't think you've lost your mind. Far from it. I think you've got straight to the point and made it very clear how the land lies. No one will be in any doubt that you mean business.

Good luck Vodka

My cynical side thinks that it will mean a horrible holiday for you, but I guess it is worth giving it a last go to sort out. Is DH open to counselling once you're back in the States?

Did he agree to those conditions?

I also think you should insist on an apology from your DH for not sticking up for you before he speaks to his mother. If he doesn't understand why or refuses to apologise to you, sorry to say, there is no chance at all for your marriage to survive.