My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

He drinks and takes illegal drugs everyday?
He has made it clear he has no intention of stopping?
He squanders family money on this shit?
You are afraid to challenge him?
What would you say if in years to come your daughter says the same about her partner? Would you justify it by saying they were happy once or by citing depression or would you tell her to get far away from this man?

Dobby I'm so sorry that happened to you. Such a brave, honest and clear post. Hope the OP listens before it is too late.

If you can stop one person from having to go through similar then I agree.
I'm the child of an abusive alcoholic so I tend to tub thump on threads like this. Addiction is a word people only think applies when someone is so pissed or off their face at all hours of the night and day that they are good for nothing. This is not what addiction means.

Addiction is a word people only think applies when someone is so pissed or off their face at all hours of the night and day that they are good for nothing. This is not what addiction means.

This^^. I was a 'functioning addict', my child was clothed and fed and I managed to do the things needed for some semblance of a life so I thought I was doing ok. It's only now I'm clean I can see the impact it was having and, despite your best efforts to shield your DD, it is affecting her life.

He is prioritising weed over your family's needs, practically, emotionally and financially. He is an addict, whatever the underlying causes and, while he remains an addict, you and your DD will always come second.

I get that you want to support him, that you don't want to take away the things that are 'keeping him going' but you also need to face up to the fact that, while you continue to prop him up and fill the gaps his behaviour leaves in your family life, he has no need to change anything. Please don't think I'm being harsh, I know this because I've lived it and I can tell you that I felt no real incentive to change the way I was living until I was faced with losing everything.

I know you don't want to hear this but you do need to leave or make him leave. It doesn't have to be permanent but he needs to feel your absence in order to realise what he has to lose. He needs help but you being around is masking that need for him, he doesn't have to face it while you're there keeping everything trundling along with some degree of normality.

You could start with an ultimatum, he seeks treatment for his MH issues and his addiction or you will go but you need to know before you issue that ultimatum that you will have to follow through because he won't do it until he absolutely has to. You then make his continuing treatment a condition of your return, you will come back once he's made the first steps to getting help but you will go again if he lapses. I know it's hard and you're frightened of doing more damage by taking his support away but honestly, it's not him you're supporting as things stand atm, it's his addiction and refusal to get treatment for his MH issues.

You've said yourself your own health is suffering, what happens when you do finally collapse under the strain? You are the only real stability your DD has and you can't afford to risk that indefinitely. There are other risks, some of which have already been mentioned, cannabis is still illegal and could conceivably have repercussions with the police or SS and that's aside from the inevitable risks that come with contact with drug dealers. In my case that contact had fairly catastrophic consequences and was the reason I stopped using drugs.

I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do, you all deserve better than this, your DP included because whatever he says he isn't happy living like this either

You say he's a good dad but he doesn't look after her (doesn't put her to bed ) and doesn't actively play with her. What would she lose out on by not living with him?

You cannot possibly think nothing comes before your DDs welfare. She would be better off removed from this situation and yet you're choosing to leave her in it. Do what you want but don't lie to yourself. There is something more important to you than DDs best interests. That's unmistakable.

Normal would be coming him home from work after a late shift, having something to eat, watching a bit of tv and going to bed.

Normal on an evening he is at home would be him giving DD a bath, reading her a story while you clear up after supper, then settling down to spend the evening together.

Normal would be having a little bit of money spare so that on a Saturday you can all head off for a family day out.

Normal would be waking up without a hangover, on-the-whole in good shape, ready to face the day.

You can live that normal life without him, or with one of the many lovely, normal men out there.

I wanted to back away from this thread as I'm not comfortable with some of the opinions that have been given but I have been trying to think objectively and see things from outside my own little bubble.

dobby thank you for sharing your experiences and I'm sorry that happend to you.

I'm trying so hard to be realistic about what dd is learning from life at the moment and it hurts me for people to say I'm not putting her first. Of course I'm talking more about DP and how to help him on this thread because that's why I started it. That doesn't mean I am putting his needs ahead of hers. She's not very close to her father at the moment. She's learnt for instance there is no point trying to wake Daddy up in the morning because it won't happen.

hiding thanks for your insightful post. I'm trying to find that strength for dd.

I spoke with a colleague I get on with today who's been in a similar situation and her advice was pretty similar. She said she and others at work have been worried about me and that I need to leave till he makes some changes and gets help for his mental health and addiction problems. I just blurted it all out I the staff room! Not like me at all so you have all obviously made some impact on me.

Not read the latter pages of this, but can imagine the responses you have had.

Ultimately, he needs to see that he needs help and be willing to accept that. The £70 on pot would more than cover a counselling session a week etc.

Seen your last post re leaving until he makes changes. It's so hard, but maybe that would be the shock/wake up that he needs?

FWIW, my DH has done something awful, awful, awful to us. Most people think I should get shot of him, but I love him and the sheer fact that he accepts all blame and is going to counselling, got himself a new job etc etc is why I haven't kicked him out (well, he was for a week or so to start with). It is really hard. You know him, but you don't owe it to him to fix him, he needs to want to do that for himself

Are you going to leave? So that he is forced to deal with his addiction and mental health issues.

Or are you going to stay? To avoid the pain of watching him hit his rockbottom.

Oh, and one other thing you say you blurted it all out in the staff room so I'm guessing you work with the public. That puts you at pretty high risk of someone reporting you for smelling like a heavy drug user. Can you afford to lose your job?

I think what you haven't seen before is what's you see now, your little DD learning some very sad life lessons about her father. Ignoring it and hoping for the best really isn't providing her with the best start in life and I know you don't want to hear it but your love for her just simply has to be more important than your love for him. It's not equal. And the only person you owe anything to in life is yourself and your children.

I've been advised in real life to take some time off work which my manager has already asked me recently if I wanted to and go with dd to stay with my sister. If I do I. Hoping it would act as a wake up call for DP. I can answer your question honestly rabbit because I still don't know if I can do it. myuser you are right. I want to do the best for her and have convinced myself till now that I have been. This sad situation can not continue for any of us.

And yes, I work with the public. I don't like the idea I might smell of it and bloody hope I don't seeing as I don't even smoke!

I think you should go

You are putting your partner's needs ahead of your daughter's by staying.

It's really good that you have talked to people in RL and they are supportive.

You and DD taking a short trip away (with an ultimatum?) is unlikely to inspire him to change, although you never know. It's much more likely that he will get angry and deny problems, or try to bargain (eg his current floating of the idea of stopping smoking).

You might well need your employer's goodwill and time off if / when you have to leave him, so bear that in mind in deciding about time off (annual leave or unpaid?) now. Does your employer have an employee assistance service, eg counselling?

It does feel a little easier everyday to talk to people honestly in real life. I'm from a family in which virtually no one has split from their partners and 'the bad times' aren't discussed. I think this breeds an underlying shame for me to admit there are problems in our relationship and makes the idea of splitting, even temporally seem over dramatic and impossible.
I've gone to great pains to deny and minimise his habits and present a happy united front to the world.

I imagine it would be unpaid leave. There is a counceling service at work which I've already looked into. I'm not working well or responsibly at the moment.

That's good about the counselling service.

I'm glad you're going to go and stay with your sister for a while.

Please tell him why you are going. He needs to be made 100% aware that if he does not make efforts to change, you will be leaving permanently. And be specific- he must go to the dr and discuss ALL of his problems and WANT to change.

This was never likely to be a quick process Red, it's not until you start to open up to people that you realise how far from 'normal' the way your DP is living actually is, but you've made a good start and it's really great that you're talking to people in RL about it as well as here.

Once it's sunk in completely and the way forward has become properly clear you can start to help DP face up to the truth of the situation too, he won't like it at first but it could be the best thing that ever happened to either of you. I say he won't like it because you will be forcing him out of his comfort zone, at the moment he's numbing himself to his problems so he doesn't have to deal with them and he won't relish the prospect of having to tackle them properly. But they won't go away until he does, you seem switched on enough to understand that even if he isn't yet.

It will be hard on both of you, it will feel like a lot of disruption for you and DD, especially if it's you who leaves, and he will feel resentful and abandoned to begin with but because he's been hiding from his problems for so long it will take something as big and significant as you leaving to shock him into action. His behaviour has had no consequences up til now and that's what you need to show him, that if he continues as he is the result will be losing you and DD.

Be prepared that it may not be an instant realisation for him, he may well go on a bender the first few days, almost like a form of protest. But then the reality of you not being there will sink in and he will hopefully realise that he has to do something to help himself. His GP is probably his first port of call, he needs to tell them he's struggling with what life has thrown at him in recent years and that he's self medicating with cannabis and alcohol because he's not coping. A referral for counselling will probably be part of his treatment plan but be aware that can take some time so, if you decide to go home while you wait for that to happen, you need to be thinking about how you can help him not lose momentum before his appointment comes through.

I think it's important that he takes on board that having you and DD around is dependant on him getting help and continuing to engage with his treatment, don't let him make an initial effort and then fall back into old habits. It's ideal if you going to your sister is an option and if work are going to be understanding about you needing time off while you get everything sorted out. It must seem like you have a mountain to climb at the minute but it will absolutely be worth the short term hardship for what you could all gain long term. I'm 3 years clean now and I wouldn't go back for anything, living the 'normal' life everyone else takes for granted is worth it's weight in gold when you've lived the way your DP is now and the way he's forcing you and DD to live as a result. Good luck Red, PM me anytime if there's anything I can do to help

Good morning OP, how are things with t? How has your weekend been? I'm really pleased to hear that you've been opening up about this in real life. Also that you can access counselling through work. I do understand what you say about your family, and bad times not being discussed, but ultimately that's really unhealthy, and you have a chance to be different, which will be hard, but ultimately better for your DD, and I bet there will be family members who will see you and regret their decision to keep things behind closed doors and adopt the classic stiff upper lip.

Sending you strength and positive vibes for the week ahead. Do keep using this thread as a sounding board and to offload.

how are things with you*

As a teacher I find this quite shocking. I realise you wanted help but the fact that you find it normal for your husband to be smoking pot around your daughter is insane for me.

You say he's always smoked it- how can you not even realise this is illegal-the fact you were shocked when someone mentioned social services is astounding.

We are having to report more and more parents to social services lately due to drugs. I hate to break it to you but your daughter smells like pot, everyone in school has noticed and yes staff will be discussing it. In all honesty they will probably assume you smoke too.

Recently I had a student of mine bring a joint in to school. He said he felt upset and saw his mum take this 'stick' when she was upset and thought it would make him feel better too. Thank goodness he didn't actually eat it which is what he thought you did with it.

Kids notice everything regardless of ages, she will know that you are upset too. And she currently thinks that smoking, drinking and taking drugs are normal. The amount of students who comment on what their parents do at home with alcohol and drugs when we talk about illegal substances really is eye opening.

I understand that your husband has had a difficult time but guess what so have a lot of people-me included, you don't see them turning to drugs, ignoring their child (who is one of the only things keeping them going)

You need to open your eyes to the abuse that your child is suffering right now- her daddy doesn't even want to play with her!!

hiding thanks for such a knowledgable post. I haven't gone to stay with my sister yet. It's a hard move to make. I know it will ultimately be the one that will (hopefully) make him see the seriousness of the situation.

Thanks also truely it really is so alien for me to be talking about relationship problems in real life but every person I'm honest with is a step in the right direction as it means I can't ignore it.

johnston I have to be honest! I found your post quite judgy and a hard pill to swallow. As I've mentioned before I'm terrified of SS becoming involved and because things are managed by me I don't think it will happen. She is not suffering any abuse. That's an unfair statement.