My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Errr... no it's not. Johnston is spot on
SS involvement would be out of your hands.

Hey ho.
The excellent advice on this thread appears to be falling on deaf ears.

I know you don't want to hear it but i am in healthcare and it is indeed something that could be taken further if a health care professional had concerns About the smell or any comments she made about her father. Teachers and health workers have a duty of care to report concerns, it is part of mandatory safeguarding training and it wouldn't be wildly unrealistic to happen

I'm taking on the advice here but it feels like some posters have labeled him as some kind of manchild, doped up, waster and he's not like that. I'm making some really tough decisions for all three of us. I don't know if he'd get over us leaving, even just temporarily. I'm worried that when we returned there would alway linger the knowledge that we once left him.

Remember it's not all about the pot and drink. It's about a man no longer looking after himself, not eating, disengaging with friends and life in general. Someone with some serious issues.

I'm going to have to take some time to think about the future. I know things can't stay as they are. I'm so afraid of hurting him though. I'm still making plans to stay with my sister so I'm still moving forward slowly. It's just painfully hard making these decisions for the best of all three of us.

You seem to have back tracked on your earlier realisation that this wasn't the life for you and DD back into just worrying about hurting him. He's hurting himself. Repeatedly. And he doesn't want help.
His serious issues are not something that you can fix for him with love, or it would have worked by now wouldn't it?

No one is telling you to be cruel to him, no one is telling you to be nasty. They are telling you that you clearly are on a bad path and until you make some changes for your DD, you will continue to be poor, unhappy, scared and worried.
What no one can understand is why you are putting his needs over yours and your child's for a normal, happy stressfree life when he isn't in the position to make your life nicer at all.

It's kind of like his 'issues' are holding you to ransom. You can love someone from afar. You can be supportive but not together. There are options. Not one person here can tell you what to do to make him better. He has to make himself better.
You need to stop pussy footing around him and tell him that you are scared and miserable

Personally it sounds like you are scared of him

You continue to risk the health and wellbeing of you and your child and also the involvement of social services.

No-one is telling you to abandon him or that he is a waster. What they are telling you is that the current situation is untenable at best and dangerous at worst.

Taking time away from this awful situation immediately is the right thing to do for your daughter. Whether you taking time away is temporary or permanent is dependent on your DP. You can continue to help and support him and may be better placed to do so when you are removed from the immediate situation.

I really don't know what is going through your head that is telling you to stay... all I can think about is your poor DD.

I think I'm having a wobble as we had a relatively nice weekend and I saw a glimmer of how lovely our little family can be.

I'm scared of his reactions as they would be hugely negative of course.

I'm still not happy for us to be trapped in this half existence. I understand it's not great for dd. Something's got to give.

It might take you some time, but given that he currently doesn't admit to any of the problems he's unlikely to somehow change.

You still sound very much more concerned about HIM than anything or anyone else.

He is a chronic drinker and drug user. How much did he drink and smoke during your nice weekend? How many hours did he spend doing things with your DD, without you present?

Scared of this reactions.
For that reason alone I would get out.
He is behaving like a dope head man child. Until he stops drinking and smoking (which you say he won't) then nothing will change.

I am concerned about all three of us. I've always been used to considering his feelings as a priority as he's very sensitive.

He was working all Saturday but on Sunday we had a lovely family day. He looked after dd for a couple of hours in the morning so I could go back to bed. He started drinking and smoking pot from midday but slowly. We all went to dd's favourite playground and had a laugh playing on all the equipment whilst DP watched us. He was still ok enough to cook us a lovely roast! We listened to music, danced. It was a nice family centred Sunday and I didn't want to ruin it by having yet another 'deep talk' about how bad things have got.

"He started drinking and smoking from midday"
And this was a "lovely family day"

This is so screwed up. I hope for your DDs sake that social services get involved ASAP.
Your poor DD needs an actual responsible adult to look out for her.

I think you are so entrenched in holding onto what you want to see you are ignoring all the bad parts.
He is smoking and drinking through choice, even when you are offering him the perfect family moment, it's still there. His use of substances is the mistress of your relationship. He has you where he wants you, too afraid of rocking your tiny little dingy by just doing the bare minimum of nice things to keep you upbeat, all the while nothing has actually changed.

Are you scared he will threaten to kill himself? Because if that is the case, you can call 999 and they will help him. What other reactions are you scared of? Would he be violent? Are you just worried about the guilt you would feel?

You are not responsible for his welfare. Staying with you clearly isn't keeping him sober or clean.
His feelings are your priority. He's sensitive.
NO YOUR PRIORITY SHOULD BE YOIR CHILD. He's not sensitive. He's an addict.
Drinking and smoking half the day. Guessing whilst your DD was around. You will have social services involved at some point. This is really not normal or ok. Let alone a good day.

Can I just put it out there for some perspective that my mother chose to stay with my father even though he was a functioning alcoholic (had a job etc) who spent all our money on it and we were dirty poor, cold in the winter and had shitty clothes.

I don't really trust or respect or even like my parents because of their crappy selfish choices.

I was bullied, I also had no idea about what real relationships should look like and was terrible with money as I got older. My dad also was never there to do any of the things with us when I needed him because he was always drunk. He couldn't pick me up from a friend or a club and I never had any friends over as it was embarrassing - due to being poor, our house was a shit hole. I also got really shitty Christmas presents

She too was too scared to rock the boat with him for 20 bloody long years. He didn't do anything much with us. He was (is) a selfish pig. I remember and resent it all!

It's scary to change your life OP, really scary. I get that and I would struggle in your shoes. But I would be challenging him on his behaviour all the time because I'm a stroppy cow. You sound nervous of him and way too grateful for a drug and drink fueled pleasant afternoon. How would the afternoon have played out without his pot and booze?

Normally I would apologise if someone felt that I was being judgy and harsh but in this case there is a child's welfare at stake. I am trained and paid to notice when things aren't right.

I would not trust him to do the washing up ever mind looking after my child alone, while I went back to bed-nice gesture on his part but how do you know he wasn't drinking/ smoking/ paying attention to her if you were asleep.

I am not trying to judge you I just think you need to looo honestly at your life.

If I said to you that I had a daughter and my husband drank and smoked weed every single day. He didn't eat, he didn't socialise, he didn't want to spend time with me or my child. He spends loads of money on things for him (drugs and alcohol) while I struggle to pay bills. My child is missing out in activities because of the lack of money. And my child is noticing a difference in her dad. What would you say to me?

You cannot post on here and not expect people to be agasht at how happy you are to be around someone who choose drugs and drink over his child!

johnston's post is very direct. But thats how the world will be with you, when all this comes out. Social Services won't see you as "managing" they will put your DDs wellbeing first, never mind you and your man. & you need to talk to him directly too - and be blunt..

Your man is a drinker and a weed smoker. Weed in itself can be a cause of depression and if its skunk weed you'll soon have paranoia on your hands to deal with too. He needs to stop all this, whether he wants to of course is another issue

Im not particularly against weed smoking although I don't smoke myself - but I avoid anyone who smokes it daily, as it never ends well

Hard to accept a relationship either needs radical changes or it has to end, but you have to come to terms with that fact as its not going to go away. If you don't lay your cards on the table with your man you will be back here soon enough with even bigger problems, and if Social Services get involved - your DD is at school so I fail to see how they won't, eventually; as has been said upthread her hair and clothes must stink of weed - you will have a whole lot more to contend with

boris I'm a responsible adult looking after her!!

username I don't think he'd be violent. I could imagine him talking about ending his life however. He's never said anything of the sort though. He can be verbally aggressive if he feels rounded on.
I'm sorry you had such a tough upbringing. I'm already embarrassed to have people round to ours and yes, Christmas presents etc will be out of a charity shop.

The thing is, even though he's not a violent person at all I do feel incredibly nervous challenging him because he's so utterly convinced everything he's doing Is justified and ok it starts to mess with my head and I feel my arguments are worthless. I used to spend more than we needed to on dd clothes (my guilty pleasure and they're all hand me downs these days) and used to buy lots of non essentials like flowers and little bath things when I should have been cutting back as I was on mat leave. He was really concerned with how thoughtlessly I was spending money and that's become the theme of our finance conversations that I'm the one who's crap with money despite having changed my ways 100%.

misstress it's normal pot and skunk as well. The really smelly stuff that really sends him off to a world of his own. I think if he's smoking in the day it's just pot though.

I'm off to work so can't answer any further posts for now but I'm wide awake and trying to look at things objectively today and you've all scared the crap out of me with your social services talk!

Apologies. Your posts and consistent burying your head in the sand are anything but responsible.
Skunk? Jeez. If I knew where you lived I'd be ringing SS myself.

Your and DD's situation is indeed very scary.

Having no money for your DD at Christmas because he has splurged hundreds (at least) on drugs and alcohol all year isn't enough for you to leave? Isn't enough for you to admit that it IS - at least in part - about the pot and booze?

Your DD needs to be your true priority - you say she's important, so act like it.

Suspect he will find plenty to spend on himself this christmas eh?

Your last post is damning OP.

You need to sort your head out fast, because social services should be intervening to protect your child.

I'm actually starting to question my own gullibility now.

So he's smoking skunk and weed and you can't buy new clothes or toys for your child. And you think this is ok?
He's controlling what you spend and you fear him getting verbally aggressive?
You are not being a responsible parent for your DD. A responsible parent would get her out of this situation.

I read your description of last Sunday very differently. Let me describe it:

The three year old child was supervised alone by her father, who is known to his GP as addicted to cannabis and possibly alcohol. Mum was asleep upstairs at the time.

Her father began taking illegal drugs and drinking by noon that day. This was in the same dwelling as three-year-old D.

The family then went to the park. The father did not participate in the play activity planned by Mum, but was observed sitting on a bench. At that point he was probably already impaired by the substances consumed since lunchtime.

The family returned home and while Mum's description suggests that he had already semi-impaired due to the substances consumed, he cooked a meal for the family.

Mum is aware of the father's addiction problems, but is not prepared to end the relationship at the present time.

It sounds awful, doesn't it, when described in that way? But that is how an external, official person would see it.

I'm an ex-teacher and trust me, everything steps up a gear when school begins. If staff have concerns about your DD they will be noted, discussed and other agencies involved if necessary.

We are all on your side.

Red He accused you of being bad with money for buying new clothes for DD and bath salts and flowers sometimes. All while he smokes and drinks the money away? Did you seriously engage in that conversation with him? And take blame?

You stopped buying DD new clothes so he could afford to keep having drink and drugs.

Imagine yourself explaining that decision to SS. They won't think "well, she's clearly a responsible adult who puts her child's needs first" How could they?

I felt so sad when I read your idea of a lovely family weekend. I don't want to imagine how horrible a normal weekend must be if that's your idea of a nice one. Your "lovely" weekend would for most of us be the last straw "LTB" weekend. Everything was perfect, you had recently had a discussion about the awful effect his behaviour is having on you, yet he couldn't even get to lunch time without starting on both drink and drugs.

What are you so scared of that you would teach DD that this is best a woman can expect?