My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Ah! Oh dear!

Ah, I thought you meant you'd left DD with DH and he'd zoned out and watched the match instead! At least your Dad tries to engage DD, tea and biccys is pushing it though

Are you waiting until Christmas because you think your stoner will have had the most miraculous addiction recovery ever, now he knows you have noticed he is treating you and DD badly?

Or are you waiting because you are scared?

Your dad and your DH sound very similar.

Yes, they are similar and they get on very well too. The thing with dh is all my family really like him. On the face of it he's a really nice guy and I never let it slip about him going hard with the drink and pot (apart from to my sister). I'd never talk about me struggling with being stressed and tired but they all picked up on it anyway except for my Dad.

rabbit it's a bit of both. Of course I'd love it if he suddenly sorted himself out but yes I'm scared as well.

Hey red, just checking in.

Underneath it all im so angry. I am very fucking angry!!!! How the very fuck dare he. Even when I know He's in the wrong I still have the duty to maintain his fragile FUCKING ego.

I like this red. I'm just saying. Being really fucking pissed off is a healthy response to someone treating you like shit. Better than being numb, or turning it inwards, or blaming yourself. It was a fine day when I was finally able to be really uncomplicatedly angry with the man who assaulted me. Maybe you won't be able to get there until you're out and things are safe, but it's good to see you not giving into the pressure to forgive him and blame yourself some more. He's trying to put you back in your box, where he does what he fucking pleases and you take care of the consequences and smooth it all over.

How's the planning going?

Please check and double check the admissions criteria for your school, on the LA website. Make sure you fall within the 'last distance offered' last year - attending the nursery often has no bearing on getting in and even staff are not always clear how it works. I wouldn't want you to base decisions on that school then find out it is not the case.

How are you feeling this morning?

How has he been with you and DD this morning?

You normally take care of him when he is hungover, like getting DD to be quiet in the morning. Is he taking care of you today after your ?

School admissions are a huge minefield, suggest research so that you have "chapter and verse" on applications after the main deadline (eg if you move to a different area in 2017 due to housing costs). it's likely that this could negatively affect your choices for DD.

Solving your living situation is the most important thing though. It'd be a shame if DD didn't get an ideal school, or had to move schools, but better than than remain in a bad situation.

School admissions are a minefield but things are clearer now. I'm going to stick with our area, put down my first choice as a sensible (as in a good school but realistically close) option and try my luck with the other 4 choices. The main thing is to get it submitted on time. I'm going to ring some schools near my mum's and ask how I'd go about getting dd in if we moved next year.

I'm feeling ok today, just a bit fuzzy and I'm in work . I'm such a lightweight since having dd!! I had two ciders so didn't need to much looking after. But what if do to go back to bed! I haven't seen much of him. I was asleep when he got in and he was asleep when we left this morning. I have no idea if he's still pissed off with me over the silly argument.

It wasn't a "silly argument", it was him being U and you, reasonably, objecting.

How are you today Red?

Good thanks. We didnt talk any more about the argument after that call but I made it known I was still angry. He obviously thought I was 'over it' enough to have sex (which we did) and share this: he piped up saying 'oh, you know xzy family friend called giving me a sort myself out pep talk yesterday?' Cue lots of eye rolling from him expecting me to join in. Instead I said 'oh good, that's kind of him to do that, he really cares about us both'. Dh looked very scared at this point and quickly changed the subject. He's right to be worried, I'm changing!

Red it does feel like you are waking up the reality of your situation and that the scales are falling from your eyes. I know it's hard but please keep treading the path you're on and don't get sucked back in.

That's a great response red, I especially like how you didn't take any responsibility for how he sorts himself out, simply that yes he needs to sort himself out.

How has he been since red? Is he being kind this weekend? Any attempt to stay away from the weed and drink in DDs presence (like you asked him to do the other day)?

Thanks, you should have seen the fleeting look of panic on his face .

Tonight is going to be a massive test as we are off to a family do. I've made it clear in don't want to do all the parenting whilst he enjoys himself. I've got a bit of a rep as the boring arse at his family do's as by the time I've settled dd on a sofa somewhere late into the party I don't really feel like having a drink and dance by then. So I'm hoping tonight will be different.

I was just packing his overnight stuff and thought ooh, I should pack another pair of boxers in case he pisses himself... So I've obviously got great hopes for tonight .

Kind of off topic but you pack his bag for him? Why? It is weird to pack another adult's luggage for them.

Is he planning to carry illegal drugs in the car with you and DD? Will you have a say in that?

What will you do if when he gets out of control and maybe even pisses himself?

Definitely don't pack a spare! If he pisses himself he has to deal with it. No enabling!

Jesus Red For a start, why are you packing his clothes? And you make it sound like you're packing for a toddler- when we had days out with pre school children, I had to factor in how many 'accidents' there might be. That really shouldn't be the case with an adult who doesn't have a disability. I haven't wet myself since I was 4. Please get away from this man child.

I always tell him to do it and he does that man child thing of not knowing how to iron a shirt of where his nice jeans are so its ended up this way, always.

Yes he'll take a stash and no i don't have a say in it .

If he does get in a bit of a state I will not mother him.

How about a step further than not mothering? How about some honesty with family?

"DH has finally admitted he is an addict, which is a good step but he is still on a downward spiral. This behaviour now is typical of him. I'd appreciate anything you can do to help him stop. He doesn't listen to me."

Think of some lines and rehearse them in your head now.

The packing thing is a definite sign you have strong rescuer tendencies, which is unhealthy. The normal reaction to manchild packing is ignoring him and maybe laughing both during his packing and when he has not got clean pants on holiday. Packing for him, ironing for him, finding his jeans for him, packing extra pants for when he gets so drunk he wets himself, is not normal.

You pack, iron his shirts etc?

That's a really unhealthy dynamic. You can stop. If he is unwilling or unable to iron a shirt or find appropriate clothes he can just look creased/badly dressed: not your problem.

Who washed the sheets when he last pissed himself?

If the car was stopped and the drugs found you'd both be arrested. What would happen to DD then?

So his family know he smokes it and tolerate it?!