My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

And please look at this list of risky behaviours/traits/circumstances;

lundybancroft.com/articles/assessing-dangerousness-in-men-who-abuse-women/

Remember these individual factors are all things that should be taken particularly seriously.

All these could potentially apply, though I am sure you will think that is probably an exaggeration;

He has a history of severe or very frequent violence toward her, or toward other individuals such as past partners.
She is taking steps to end the relationship, or has already done so.
He is depressed, suicidal, or shows signs of not caring what happens to him. He has, for example, threatened to kill himself if she leaves him.
He isn’t close to anyone, and no current relationships with friends or relatives are important to him.
He has a significant criminal history and/or he has a history of using violence or threatening violence against other people.
He abuses alcohol or drugs heavily, especially if his habits involve daily or nearly daily intoxication.
He uses pornography heavily and/or has a history or perpetrating sexual violence or degradation against his partner or others.

Red, don't. Don't give him any warning. You can tell him that you need him to change, but don't tell him that you will be leaving.

Remember what I said (a long way back in the thread) about him not being interested in making any changes because he is comfortable in this situation? If you tell him you are leaving or may be leaving, you will be removing his blanket. You will be leaving him exposed to reality. And that's the worst thing you can to an addict (in terms of how he experiences it. Actually, it's the best thing you can to do help him change).

His reaction will be much, much stronger and much worse than you can imagine. I guarantee it.

offred only two apply. The drink and drugs one and not looking after himself.

I have never felt like he'd get physical at all. Really the fights and stuff was just stupid young bloke stuff and he's grown up a lot since then.

I answered another call from him and he's annoyed that I still sound 'quiet' on the phone. Obviously he thinks normal service has resumed and then went on about not being able to get a sleep during his break because everyone was being too noisy making coffee etc. So he wants me to drop it and feel sorry for him which against my better judgement I do start to feel that way. How do you keep the rage?!!

Well, he is just trying to make everyone at work live around his addiction isn't he? As well as at home.

WTF should other people not get a coffee just because he is grumpy and hungover?

And WTF aren't you 'allowed' to be quiet when he told you to fuck off in front of DD and gave her separation anxiety at nursery?

It I would think it would be safer to keep hold of the rage for yourself and channel it into plans for leaving. Put him off with feigned headaches.

I haven't told him about leaving her this morning as I know he'll think the two things are unrelated and will make me sound like a armchair psychologist.

He won't think the two things are unrelated he will just refuse to take any responsibility and choose to gaslight you instead

Because I can't sustain a bad mood and usually give in by now.

Gas lighting is dismissing your feelings and making you think you're not right?

Essentially. Making you think you are making up things you know to be true.

It's pulling me up short how many of his behaviours I recognise. Yes I was an addict myself but I also lived with one and so much of what your DH is doing is exactly what my DH did.

I accepted my problem much earlier than he did and internalised all my guilt and frustration at not being able to stop using whereas he made everything everyone else's fault. I used to have to tiptoe around him, keep DD quiet, manage his moods so he didn't blow up and take sole responsibility for caring for DD because he refused to.

Looking back I don't know how I did it considering I was stoned all the time to boot. There were holes in every door in our house where he'd lost his temper and punched them and the house was a shambles because he 'couldn't be bothered' to decorate most of it. I wasn't allowed to be annoyed with him either, he could cast a black cloud over the whole house for days at a time but I wasn't allowed to be 'a bit quiet' when he'd done something to upset me.

He's a different man now he's clean I'm happy to say but you know how big a shock it took to make us stop Red, that's why I keep saying it will take you leaving to give him any chance of tackling his addiction.

I'd have been angry with him on the phone. Not pitying.

"Yeah, well, maybe everyone else at work didn't drink and smoke weed last night. That's why they don't need a sleep at break. You must look pathetic loser to them. When are you going to get help for your addiction?"

See that's the angry I'd feel when he expects me to feel sorry for him, who is only feeling like what he did.

I wasn't allowed to be annoyed with him either, he could cast a black cloud over the whole house for days at a time but I wasn't allowed to be 'a bit quiet' when he'd done something to upset me

Both me and my sister live that!! Many times over a bottle of prosecco have we bellyached to each other about this. So it's the pot?

Everything else in your post is very close to comfort too

If you want to keep the rage, every time he says or does something or leaves you to do something on your own, think "Is this because he's not sober / he's hungover / he's desperate for a smoke / protecting his addiction?"

I bet the answer will often be yes then the rage will follow.

Wow rabbit can I have some of your feistiness !

Seriously though, the idea of being that forward makes me feel a bit ill.

Just think it red

Yes it's the pot Red, well my DH isn't like that without the pot so I guess that speaks for itself. I can see now he was really manipulative, totally self absorbed, passive aggressive much of the time and openly aggressive when he felt he needed more than the passive kind to get what he wanted or put me back in line.

I vividly remember one incident when DD was a baby, we'd had a row and I wouldn't back down so he grabbed her and tried to put her in the car. I was so scared that he would drive like an idiot with her in the car, that he might not bring her back, even for a split second that he would hurt her because it was all about teaching me a lesson, getting me to back down and I honestly didn't know how far he would go to make that happen.

It ended up with us struggling on the front lawn, him trying to get away and me trying to get DD out of his arms. He pushed me over and managed to get DD in the front seat but I jumped in the back before he could lock the doors and he backed down then and let me take her back in the house. I left him briefly after that but went back when he promised he'd never do anything like that again.

I can't believe we're the same people looking back, he knew DD was my weak point, that despite being an addict myself, I would do anything to protect her and he wasn't above using her to manipulate me. That phrase Rabbit just used 'protecting his addiction' was like someone ringing church bells in my head, that's exactly what he (and I to a lesser extent) did to the detriment of everything else in our lives. I'm ashamed to admit all this but, if it helps you understand what his addiction means in real terms, it's probably worth my shame.

Underneath it all im so angry. I am very fucking angry!!!! How the very fuck dare he. Even when I know He's in the wrong I still have the duty to maintain his fragile FUCKING ego. God, done though!
I've had enough (and a friend came round with dark fruit cider. Sorry I'm a true lightweight 😳) and I just want to stop bigging him up to anyone who dares criticise him. Agh done though!

And my 'Disneydad' (mumsnet phrase learnt) was over but spent the whole time watching some sports match this afternoon (looked after dd whilst I went to a school meeting) as his monthly as best dd time . God MEN!

Not men, just this man red. You don't have to be with him.

No not men, addicts. My DH would have done something similar back then, not now though, says it all really.

Sorry, I meant my Dad (not dh) came over and wasn't too happy I roped him into free childcare for an hour!
Dd had a good grasp of the match when I came home and somehow I managed to find myself supplying a massive amount of tea and biccys for my Dad whilst he tried to engage dd in being 'that old bloke that's really nice but not all that useful...as I guess she thinks of every related man.