My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Yup, I've been a right pushover with many thugs including packing for him. Shamefully, I used to get a bit of a kick out of being 'the good wife' and looking after him. That faded a long time ago!

TMI but he doesn't usually piss the bed but get up and piss somewhere without undressing properly.

His family know but I don't really think they know he smokes pot as much as he does. They are more concerned with his drinking because it's effects are more obvious.

Has he paid you back his half of the utility bills yet? I know you said he is paying his half now but what about the debt you've got into through paying his half before? Pop an invoice his bedside table minus anything you owe him

Use his family to your advantage.

For example, if he gets drunk in front of them, or starts smoking, point it out to them. Do not minimise. Show that you are pissed off.

You might even mention that he is showing signs of being desperate for money due to smoking it all.

If he doesn't stop, which is most likely, sadly, he will need their help, the truth will help them to help him.

If you split when he doesn't stop, it will help you if they have been gossiping for weeks about how bad his drinking is now, and how now he's on skunk too, and poor poor red and DD living with that, god knows how they put up with it. Use it.

So the "fun" of "looking after him" wore off yonks ago, yet you continued to do it.

The pissing in corners thing is totally unacceptable:

What to say to his family about his addictions having escalated and the impact on you and the precarious employment and financial situation depends on whether his family are likely to help you and your H's reaction to their concern, eg if he gets angry with you for speaking about it.

All the time you stay in the same house with his drugs, drive in a car, you are risking arrest and prosecution, and social services intervention.

Last night went really well!
His uncle had a chat with him in private when we arrived saying something along the lines of 'we all like you and want to be able to have you round without things always going tits up,' and also saying, 'you know Red puts up with a lot of shit from you and it's not fair' plus 'I know you've lost your Dad this year but don't forget I've lost my brother'. (I know this was said as his aunt told me after she'd had a few ).

He drank and smoked pot as did many people but not to a 'pissing yourself' embarrassing way and we had a good evening. the embarrassment of the party was his red faced, coked up other Uncle who was talking shite 2mm from my face.

We stayed over and in the morning dd woke up excited to play in a different house. When she asked me to go downstairs I said to try Daddy and instead of her screaming nooo Daddy she said 'morning Daddy, big cuddle now, play me downstairs' . And he got up and went with her!!! It felt like such a lovely moment.

You took DD to a house where people were drinking smoking and doing coke?!?!

It wasn't like that. It was a family do. It was only that one uncle on coke. Everyone knows what he's like. Yes people were drinking and a few smoking pot (outside till the children were in bed) but not getting off their faces. There were lots of children about, a buffet, music. It was a party.

So what would have happened if one of the children had got into the stash of drugs? Or one of the neighbours had called police because of the noise or drugs in the garden?

Do you think SS would accept 'it was a family party with a buffet' and be all 'ok you are responsible parents take DD home'?

I do know how it must sound. I come from a completely anti smoking family and have never even smoked a cigarette before. I've got chronic asthma so it's never even tempted me.

What I really think, and what SS would think, is what an environment to expose children to - watching people drinking, smoking drugs, then being exposed to passive smoking inside the house while they are sleeping and at least one person doing class A drugs openly....

Most if not all of the mum's were only on the drink and not pissed so plenty of responsible adults about.

How many people were taking other drugs that weren't doing it right in front of your face? Do you even know what drugs were in the house, where the drugs/alcohol were? Where DD was?

She is only three, this is the exact age where children who live around drugs and drink are most at risk of ingesting because they see it happening around them but aren't old enough to keep themselves safe.

Being only drunk rather than drunk and high does not mean they were responsible. Was anyone sober?

A few people were outside smoking pot. The children wouldn't have seen it. No one but that one uncle was taking anything worse.

Some people were driving so sober. I had a couple of rum and cokes and that was enough for me. Same for the other mums.

And they were smoking inside after the children went to bed? So basically everyone at the party was breathing in the drugs

Inside, huddled around the back door which was wide open. I honestly wasn't impressed that they allowed it inside but it's not my house.

I'm struggling to understand why anyone would bring their child to a party where there is drink and drugs but clearly this is certainly the norm in your DH's family so it is easier to minimise.

My XP grew up in exactly this kind of family and was given coke at a family wedding when he was 8. His mother is an alcoholic.

He is fucked up.

No, but it is your child

what benefit is there to DD being around a family like this?

Why can't you not go? If DH is just expecting you to drive him he will have to sort himself out in future surely? You just really should not continue to allow DD to live around these people and behaviours, it doesn't matter at all that you don't even smoke or drink only a small amount, her everyday life is full of drink and drugs and families who think it is normal.

No, I'm sorry but you should've gotten your daughter and left as soon as you realised drugs were being done. I'm not from a 'classy' family. My brother smokes weed. But if he ever dared to have it around my son, we would no longer have contact. He wouldn't dream of doing it at a family party.

You know I spent most of my twenties in a hash induced haze. I even grew my own weed for a couple of years, back in the day.

So I would be fairly broad-minded.

But needless to say I had no kids. And I honestly cannot imagine people smoking dope at a party with kids dashing about, even outside the door. That's just minging.

It's nice that his uncle spoke to him about his addictions, but I'm glad I'm not the only one horrified by people smoking pot at a family party, never mind the person taking class A drugs.

If I had a family member who took coke, I wouldn't invite them to a family party. It's really not normal.

As far as I can see it when you packed extra pants for DH in case he pissed himself, got in the car with his drugs to go you were already in too deep given your dislike of confrontation. How can you make a moral stand re DD when your DH is one of the problems?

If you know you will not be brace enough to take a stand when this kind of dangerous thing is happening you need to take a stand earlier and just plan not to take DD to parties where this stuff might happen.

I feel for you cos I know you want to chalk last night up as a "win".

He didn't piss himself and embarrass you. He wasn't a grumpy fucker this morning.

I wouldn't count his Uncle's chat as a win, sorry. Cos your DH still drank plenty and smoked his head off. So not sure if it resonated or was just dismissed. "Nod politely and look serious" type of thing.

But I get that you want to see last night as a positive.

In reality, it was just a night where an addict didn't happen to embarrass himself. It was a morning where he was able to get up cos he didn't cane it. It was an event where the addict was able to be functional.

He's still going to drink and smoke as soon as possible today. He's thinking about it already.

Maybe I'm just used to it. Conditioned to it and it doesn't seem inappropriate. They way everyone's thinking it sounds like something from Shameless but it's not like that at all.
The positives I can see from the night are that dh didn't take it too far and he obviously took the talk from his uncle seriously. Also he got up with dd so I could sleep and she was genuinely happy for him to get up and me to stay in bed.
I'm not dismissing the idea that this may be a temporary thing and he will not change log term but I can't help to feel a bit optimistic.