My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Researching housing options (commutable to work) and what benefits you might be able to access would be good. A school with a breakfast/after school club would be good too.

I know for a fact the school our nursery generally goes on to has an after school club. It would be a lot cheaper to move back to my home county though. I don't know, it's all really new in my mind. There is more affordable housing further out of the city.

My point is not that you think rape jokes are acceptable. It is that he thinks they are acceptable and that he 'teases' you about the possibility he might rape you when you say no to sex. Also him coming home and announcing to you that you will have sex later is creepy too.

You said also that things have 'only been bad' for the last year but he punched the light switch/wall 2 yrs ago.

I'm sorry to keep on at you but I really think you need to keep adjusting your perception of him and events in your relationship. He has been addicted to substances as long as you have known him, he has been a violent person as long as you have known him and he doesn't look after dd sober - he looks after dd either drunk/stoned or hungover.

There is no excuse for how little he contributes and your anxiety and fear of confronting him is your subconscious trying to keep you safe from a man who you know to be a violent, addict who manipulates you emotionally and 'jokes' about rape.

Basically, anxiety is rooted in not feeling safe. You are quite right not to feel safe in this situation.

Plus some of the lessons you have learned as a child have led you into this situation. Why exactly do women need to stop men telling rape jokes or smashing stuff when they are angry?

Why can't men be expected to know that rape jokes are abhorrent and smashing stuff is violent and frightening?

Perhaps focus on DD's Reception place and let where and when to move house be dictated by that.

Firstly you've got to decide if you are happy with the local schools in the catchment where you are now and the catchment where you might move to.

You need to check how close you need to live to the school to definitely get a place. The better the school, the closer it will be. It is all on the web.

You should be going to the school open days, looking at their websites, maybe arranging special visits to see the school if you've missed the open day. See which schools feel right to you for DD.

If you are lucky enough to have several schools you'd be happy for DD to attend then housing options, commute to work, and wrap around care options will likely be the next big deciding factors.

Check what evidence of residence you need and by what date. It might be really very soon, maybe even January depending on the area. Much of the documentation relies on you actually living in the new place already, e.g. council tax and utility bills.

You'll be gutted if DD ends up in a dodgy school, or one that is miles away from where you live, because you didn't check the dates and rules early enough.

This shouldn't need saying but when you go to visit a school or a letting agent, get an honest friend to check you don't smell of weed.

Remember you don't have to only live where you are now or near your family. Tbh, none of them sound like the best influences. You might be better off somewhere else, near enough for them all to visit but far enough away you aren't on top of each other.

The local follow on from school is one of the few in our area rated as outstanding and I'd like her to carry on with the friends she's made in nursery school. Of course it's near work and also has a good after school club. If I could find assisted or affordable housing that would be best and easiest. We've built up a nice network round here and it'd be a shame to have to move. That said in the rural part of the world my family are from it would be so easy to get her into even the best local schools (as long as I got the application in on time).

It's another massive decision.

offred I'm not ignoring your posts.'I just want to have a think about them before I answer. I know through reading about your childhood experiences and all that your going through now you are speaking from a point of experience and I respect that.

If living in or near your current area just wouldn't be possible if you were single for financial reasons (you can research that fairly easily) it might make sense to move away sooner rather than later in order to sort the school application elsewhere out, although late applications and "in year" moves can sometimes be possible.

DC are quick to form friendships at that age.

your family sound complicated and rural areas are often not great for jobs.

Whatever you do, if you stay with him and DD goes to the local school, don't then feel trapped because of having to move her if you leave.

Sounds like it would be smart to stay in your current area. Perhaps you should start talking to local lettings agents about what is in your price bracket.

Don't feel you owe us an update, I am sure this is quite overwhelming, but I just wanted to let you know I have been thinking of you and DD.

I've sorted the school thing. I went to a talk at dds nursery today about how and when to apply so I've stuck to this area. If I move adjustments get made. They say it happens a lot.

Thanks offred he was actually a complete twat this morning which made me think about what you said. He told me to fuck off in front of dd and when he called later to apologise he said I'm sorry but you know how to press my buttons. The hell kind of apology is that?! . I'm not letting it go till he can apologise like a grown up.

I suppose it's more fuel for the fire that will make me change things...

Would I be right in thinking what he regards as pressing his buttons we would be regard as you not standing for his crap and perhaps calling him out on it a little?

Does he plan to apologise to DD for making her witness him being a cunt? Or did the idea of her as an emotional being who he is responsible for, not even cross his mind?

I think you're right rabbit. I'd usually be thinking 'oh poor guy, he's got to be up at work in half an hour, I'll bury the hurt and let it slide' but instead I made it clear I was pissed off. No I'm sure he hasn't taken dds feelings into account. For the first time since nursery school started in Sept, she cried and hung onto me till her early years worker told me to go . I personally think the two things are connected.

Are you planning to live there with him after you have told him you are leaving?

He's already escalating in the face of quite mild challenges from you, with no regard for the effect on DD.

Normally, it is a good idea to leave then tell him you've left when you are already away in a place of safety. Especially for someone like him who turns to drink and drugs under stress and has been violent when people pressed his buttons in the past. Is doing that possible for you?

Probably...

I wouldn't bother trying to confront him any further. It is futile. He is not going to see how out of order he is, no matter what you say or do. At the very least not while he is still smoking and drinking.

He may be realising you are making plans to leave and stepping up his abusive behaviours, if it doesn't work you can expect him to suddenly start being lovely/making promises to fix everything just as you start to take actual steps to go. That or his abuse will escalate.

I would think the best thing to do is to try and avoid alerting him as much as you can that things have changed and to plough on with planning and leaving.

He has given you more than enough unguarded information regarding his true feelings for you to just go not to mention that his addictions mean you need to go anyway no matter what he promises/does.

Waiting for him to now excuse having to get extra baked/drunk cos you're"winding him up" (by reacting like a normal person with feelings).

But regardless, well done for not letting it go.

I'm still sticking to my Christmas deadline for him to get his arse in gear and fight to save our relationship and start looking after himself and us again. I'm an eternal optimist but setting a time has really helped.

I'm thinking of writing him a letter saying all the things I struggle to face to face without breaking down. Then he'd have in front of him in black and white, that his behaviour is making me want to leave.

The argument was so stupid. I apparently talked to him like a child when he threw a fit that some songs I put on my phone to keep dd in bed were too loud and I said 'ok, shh! (6am) I'm turning it down don't get worked up' and then he said talking to him like that pisses him off and the the fuck off. He's so grumpy on the morning .

When he called to make a piss poor apology, he said I talked like that on purpose to wind him up . Like if want to do that!!

He already knows full well that you have MH issues and are struggling, and has made no changes.

But what do you actually want him to do? Stop drinking? Smoking? He's already been clear he can't and won't.

Of course he's grumpy in the morning after being stoned and drinking.

dozer I want to make it clearer that we will leave and see if he can sort himself out.

But he clearly isn't going to be dry by Christmas.

You could just leave and sort out your and DD's situation, and resume your relationship if he then gets help and stays dry a good while.

I think, in light of some of the things you've told us of late, you're going to have to be really careful if you choose to write that letter Red. I understand your need to give him 'one last chance' to sort himself out but Offred is right, there's a real danger he will escalate both his substance intake and his temper tantrums and, much as I know you don't believe he would hurt you, I think giving him too much warning of the possibility you will leave would be dangerous for you.

He's proving to you over and over that he hasn't even admitted to himself that he has a problem yet and is certainly nowhere near ready to do anything about it. It will take you leaving at the very least to make him do that and I think you need to start trying to accept that, and that even that might not be enough.

I'm really sorry Red, the realisations you must be reaching by now must be really difficult for you but, honestly, I think the scale of his problem is even greater than both you and I thought when you started this thread. You and DD deserve so much better than he is willing or able to give you as things stand and I think you have to start thinking in terms of it just being the two of you for the foreseeable future.

Please please don't risk yourself and dd by telling him you want to leave...