My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

I'm so frustrated and angry sometimes. I guess it is an upbringing thing as I've been hiding negative feelings since I can remember. I'm actually looking forward to al anon tonight!

offred I'm thinking now he may be more manipulative than I gave him credit for but he really isn't abusive. The lightswich was punched by him and the wall cracked a tiny bit but that was about 2 yrs ago!
He's always messed around like that and if I'd been firm and said no he'd always back off and be if anything a bit embarrassed. I can see how it could be misinterpreted writ rain down though.

I mean sex wise, he's always messed around like that. Not the light switch thing!!

He sounds really manipulative, Red. And yes, you've swallowed your anger for a really long time, and, as a PP said, that results in depression.

Make sure to mention this in Al Anon tonight. See what they say.

He is abusive I am afraid. Punching the light switch that one time (and I am positive he will have physically thrown his weight around more times than that) makes him physically abusive, no question, and you should be careful of that. He could have been charged with common assault for that you know?

He is without doubt emotionally abusive and financially abusive and very often abusive men do not rely on physical abuse to control you until it becomes apparent that other forms are not working anymore.

I think the 'messing around' is incredibly creepy, I don't think it is trivial at all. I mean what kind of person jokes about raping you?

Punching the wall is violent.
Messing around is fun and lighthearted. Both partners are enjoying it and no one had to be firm to get the other to back off. That's weird and scary.

It certainly resulting in something bad with my MH but luckily not depression.

He used to throw his weight around when we first knew each other but only with other adult men in a giving as good as they got type way. That all calmed down as he grew up and it's been years and years since he was in a fight. Same for smashing things up. Sex wise It honestly just feels like irritating, mucking around. I dont feel threatened by it really.
Any gross rape jokes I'll come down on him for. Financially yes though. I'll take that.

You sound like you are planning for the future OP. You also seem to be taking a more objective view on his behaviour and not making excuses for him.
He still sounds like a violent bully.

Do you see that that comes across as minimising?

He has been physically violent. He smashed the light and the wall with his fist 2 years ago.

You know this makes him a risk to you physically? That the reason his violence has lessened over the years may be nothing to do with growing up and everything to do with you being cowed and walking on eggshells - he doesn't need to be physically violent anymore to keep you in line.

And he makes actual rape jokes that you need to pull him up on and regularly 'jokes' about raping you when you don't want sex? WTF?

I wondered if there would be something like this in your subconscious that is making you so anxious and so afraid to challenge/confront him.

It sounds to me like he's been testing your boundaries for quite some time, Red. He knows that you won't put if with physical aggression, so he just "messes about" with it now and then, seeing what he can get away with. But he has realised that passive aggression works best with you - making you feel guilty, allowing you to feel anxious about contacting the LL, etc.

With finances, he really doesn't have a foot to stand on, so he just says that there's no problem and that's it. Hoping that your tendency to avoid conflict will enable him to keep his head in the sand too.

It's all abusive, nonetheless.

It will change your behaviour if you know he is the type of person who will get into fights, who will smash things up, in the "right" circumstances.

Him choosing to leave a smashed wall (around an electrical switch!) is a message.

Did he smash it when DD was a tiny baby and you needed more support?

Him choosing to leave the evidence of his violent possibilities right there in your home at your eye level for 2 years is like hanging up a sign on that wall "If you piss me off enough, I will lose it."

Him suggesting that you contact the landlord to get it fixed is like saying "The results of my behaviour are your problem not my problem"

It's bad.

Put up with physical aggression!

He is sounding worse and worse Red.

Not surprising you suffer with anxiety, living with him.

On a very important practical matter I don't think a building soc book will "count" as proof of address for a primary school application, if checked by the admissions authorities.

I agree with Run, I'm afraid.

Take a look at this, for instance:

www.lambeth.gov.uk/schools-and-education/school-admissions/proof-of-address-documents-for-school-admission-applications

Proof of address documents for parent/carer:

Council Tax letter or statement, this must be supplied if you are the council taxpayer
Copy of the tenancy agreement, if this is a new address, supply a letter from solicitor confirming exchange of contracts or tenancy agreement

Plus one or more of the following if not both from the above list:

Income Support/Benefit letter for the current financial year
Current TV Licence.
Current utility bill, a copy of a utility bill no older than 3 months
Driving Licence

One proof of address document for child:

Child Tax Credit Award, notice for the current financial year (please copy all pages of the letter to include the home address on the first page and child’s name)
Child Benefit letter for the current financial year (please copy all pages of the letter to include the home address on the first page and child’s name)
Child’s National Health registration card
Immigration documents that show address – if applicable
Letter signed by "No recourse to public fund" team, indicating the child and parent’s name and address
Letter signed by Social services - If child is a LAC, indicating the child and carer’s name and address

If none of the above for child and or parent/carer can be provided:

Sworn affidavit, statutory declaration or affirmation - must state parent and child's name, address and date family moved into this address. This affidavit, statutory declaration or affirmation must be signed by a Solicitor holding a current practising certificate issued by the Solicitors Regulation Authority. Please note that Lambeth Council cannot contribute towards the cost of obtaining this documentation.

Is DD actually going to school next September (reception), or is this a nursery school application?

Ah bollocks. I thought I had the proof of address sorted. Dd will be 4 next year so will be in reception. She's at nursery already.

I'm not minimising but he is absolutely not a violent bully. I know loads of men (and some women) even in my family who hit inanimate objects when stressed. Not as the norm but it happens.
The stupid rape joke thing I don't agree with but it's his banter style humour, not anything sinister.

I know loads of men (and some women) even in my family who hit inanimate objects when stressed. Not as the norm but it happens.

Hi red, just to be clear but are you saying that this happens frequently in your family and your H does it, or that he doesn't? And do you consider it a problem when it happens in your family?

Also, did you ever ask him to fix the light switch/was it ever discussed?

I know "violent bully" sounds like very heavy wording to you, but you have literally just told us he broke a fixture in your home 2 years ago, which is still broken, so it's not really "years and years" since he smashed anything. And that he ever smashed anything and got into fights is kind of really not good. It seems like you've been so desensitised that you don't realise that.

No I worded that badly. Non of this is what I'd call normal or acceptable behaviour but it has happened on and off in the past. My Dad and brother have occassionaly smashed things either in a rage or just plain frustration but have been told to sort it out. Same with dh. This is the only example I can think of since dd was born and neither of us were around when it happened. I asked about getting it fixed but it falls under 'my stuff' because it involves calling the LL .

He has not got into physical fight for years. I made it clear when we were first going out I didn't like it.

Rape jokes and joking about being 'domineering' when you have said no to sex is not 'banter'...

I said before and I still think that your upbringing is what has laid the ground for you to accept this kind of background violence in your relationship.

What is actually his job? Your job to pay the bills, your job to parent dd, your job to make sure he is clean, your job to take responsibility for the home even when he smashes things up... what exactly does he think he is contributing?

To be clear. I don't think rape jokes are acceptable at all and I'm not shy to tell him this.

His actual job Job is very physically damanding and he works a lot long hours. I'm only PT.
He cooks quite a bit. Cleans the kitchen, looks after dd in daytime hours either along side me or alone (always sober in this situation). We both do the bins and he badly makes the bed as he's last up.

When you leave (as you will have to do soon in order to be a good parent to your DD) where might you be able to rent? If local to where you are now the school application issue is less important/urgent.

Why are you defending the current VERY unfair split of domestic and parentingresponsibilities?

"Only" PT in a frontline, public service type role.

Nursery are already leaving notices up about applying to the local primary. Rent round here is so expensive though. I'll go back to the CAB and ask what my chances of renting from the council are. I'm going to need some support like that I think.

I tried to sound non defensive in that post but just make a list what he does.