My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

I think it's suited me to believe she is too young to pick up on stuff but the evidence is there. I'll be staying with family around Christmas so it may be easier to move forwards.

A pushover is exactly what I am. Maybe some of his behaviour has been unwittingly 'abusive' without him actually being an abuser. I think if you give an inch people naturally take a mile.

Not many abusers intend to be abusive.

Have you read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft.

I agree with him that abusive people behave abusively because they feel entitled to i.e. They don't believe it is wrong.

I agree. You have an unhealthy balance in your relationship that is now kind of at a tipping point.

Think about it that you are in a boat with him. A little wooden one. You like it a lot and it's your little boat. You try to take care of it the best you can. Over time due to neglect because you cant manage all the boat maintence by yourself this boat is now taking on water, is half sunk and isn't really a very nice boat anymore. You want to get off. But you feel bad about leaving him there even though each time you ask him 'do you think this boat is sinking? Can you help me bail out some water?' He says he can't SEE any water. It's fine, it won't sink.

Just over time you have grown apart into new people who have different ideas and ways you want to live.
You don't want the boat to sink and he takes advantage of your selfless nature - because he can

Have you got a plan for what you will do after Christmas, or are you planning to start planning after Christmas?

The plan
Now:
have found break cause in rental agreement and it's just a 6 week one.
Register dd for reception in my home county using my mums address. can't believe it has to be done by January!!
I'm already looking into renting and borrowing some cash off my Dad to secure this.
Workwise, I'll have to quit, maybe get JSA and then just get anything that comes my way. I'm not fussy.

Christmas:
Use the usual and inevitable Christmas carnage in front of both our families as the final push for change.
Tell him before in a one last ditch attempt to either behave during the holidays or that's it.
Tell him to access therapy and encourage him to move near to us to continue a close relationship with dd and eventually when he's well move in with us.

Sounds an excellent plan :)

Great plan, OP. Taking action helps, a lot - it will make you feel more in charge, and less uncertain. You know what has to be done next, you do it, get results. The best thing you can do.

And people here will give you lots of advice and support.

Thanks all I'm married to a lovely man and very happy now.

5 years and a psychiatric hospital stay it took me to LTB.

Red I said from the start of the thread I wouldn't judge you (as it would make me a complete hypocrite) and I do realise what happened with me was an extreme example.

I'm really rooting for you. Your DD deserves better and so do you

Thanks
Can I ask your opinion. I'm thinking about the whole financial abuse thing and just now a common theme cropped up.
I complained of itchy eyes and said its probably because the Hoover (owned by our LL) broke so I been sweeping up but it's carpet in our bedroom. With my newfound voice I piped up saying we Need to buy a new one. He went off on one saying that either we have to spend £100s on a new one or I need to contact the LL and say it's broken and then he mentioned all the other little things i should be reporting to her. Of course he's got a point but I think he said it as he knows mentioning the LL and repairs sets my anxiety off the scale and I won't moan about the lack of Hoover anymore. He refuses point blank to help with contacting him even though he knows it makes me panicy. He's just using it to silence me when I'm talking money right? If he cared he'd contact the LL himself and get it sorted.
Sorry for the late night, off topic rant

Yes you're right.

He's withholding money and he's withholding care and support.

Be resolute in your plan.

Thanks. I'm glad that made sense! I'm half asleep.

Me too!

Time for bed!

Yes I think that is financial abuse. He has learned he can get you to back off by putting the problems on your shoulders, making them sound insurmountable, and bringing up the spectre of your landlord.

Something occurred to me last night- have you thought that your DD could be expressing your anger as well as her own? You may think this is wanky bollocks, and that's your right, but it's not uncommon for small children to pick up and express the emotions that adults are suppressing.

(Something else I've noticed - when you're angry is the only time a sense of energy comes into your posts.)

That sounds like a good plan. I know some posts on here have been quite harsh but I can understand why and I think you've made a huge amount of progress in a short space of time. I honestly understand how hard this must be for you

I think that is an excellent plan.

Can you change a bank statement or similar to your mum's address, as you may need some proof of address for the school form?

Are you going to fall for his landlord trick this time?

How about turning your anxiety into anger? Tell him, "Right I'm sick of doing everything. You phone the landlord or buy a new Hoover."

Don't get into discussions about your anxiety and whether you should "face your fears" or money or anything like that. Make it about him pulling his weight.

How many hours of your life you have spent agonising over how to help him feel better when he is stressed? Yet he is using your anxiety as a weapon against you. I'm furious, outraged on your behalf.

When are you giving your 6 weeks notice to the landlord? When will you tell DP? Will you move out immediately or live there with him for 6 weeks?

Vacuum. Under £70. So, if his weed habit isn't affecting finances, you can buy one a week till Christmas, can't you?

Damn the man.

And that's a brand new vacuum. I got a full sized Dyson on eBay for £90 that lasted me years. He is full of shit.

I'm guessing, red, that you grew up being taught not to express anger, not to push back, to swallow and internalise your feelings, to blame yourself, like so many women were? And now, you almost have no emotional idea how to deal with someone who will trample on your boundaries rather than pull his weight, and how to find the sense of being righteously pissed off that you so richly deserve?

You can't push anger down forever. It will curdle inside you and eat you alive. Let it out.

Not having a working hoover is a big issue IMO, and another indicator that the financial effects of his actions are very detrimental to DD, and all of you.

It's rarely the LL's job to provide a hoover.

Remember, you are free to contact the LL or not about JUST the hoover: and you are not answerable to your H on it.

But you are going to need to address your anxiety over practical matters - for you and DD not so your H can absolve himself of his responsibilities - I've had good support on anxiety from my GP and talking therapies.

Red, does your anxiety about your LL have anything to do with worrying about the state in which he would find your flat (smell, drugs, your stoned and drunk husband)?

Have been reading and quietly supporting but echoing the PP who mentioned having proof of address for your DD's school app - might be an idea to get that sorted so it's one less thing to worry about as the deadline looms (our DS just started YR so it's fresh in my mind!)

You have no idea what a relief it is to here that you also think he's using my LL fear to manipulate me. Because it's so stupid and immature of me I really doubted my own feelings. I keep the flat clean but there are damp problems which he (the LL) has been less than helpful with and a smashed light switch (guess who?) that I've left for too long. Little things build up and feel un dealable and cause me to bury my head in the sand and panic.
Proof of address: I didn't think of that but luckily I still have an almost empty building society account from my teens that I never changed the address on. That's sorted by fluke.

sarah I don't think that theory is wanky bollocks! . Sadly she has seen me internalise my anger and frustration (hence the PA swearing) so she could be displaying both of our anger. I wish I could find my anger and keep it but I always feel in the wrong (again with anyone, not just him) so my own doubt takes the wind out of my sails. Weird you pick up on my lack of energy. I do feel so lacking in that.

My lovely friend of the coat giving is lending me her Miele! She seems to have two of everything.

I wish I could find my anger and keep it but I always feel in the wrong (again with anyone, not just him) so my own doubt takes the wind out of my sails. Weird you pick up on my lack of energy. I do feel so lacking in that.

Of course you do. On some level I think you ARE angry - not to mention exhausted - and when you turn that inwards it turns to depression.

One step at a time, red. I think your family background, where your feelings were not validated and addiction is considered a norm, has made you particularly vulnerable to your H or someone like him. This is something you can talk about and think about with Al-Anon, and hopefully some day with counselling of your own, but for now, I think the plan for getting out is your main focus.

Anger can be fuel for change. It will come. Keep checking in with us. Perhaps you can be angry on your DD's behalf if you can't yet be angry on your own. How dare he leave her dependent on charity for her coats when he won't discuss his weed budget? How dare he ditch her to smoke at the first opportunity? How dare he sit in front of her in a play park smoking and drinking? How dare he smash fixtures in her home? Who does he think he is?

So he smashed a light switch in a rented flat and he thinks you should speak to LL about it and get it fixed?!?!

How did he smash a light switch?

Honestly, he is ticking all the abuse boxes - emotionally and financially already been well dealt with, physically abusive includes smashing property, sexually abusive - I know you don't really want to see his behaviour at that but I do think that 'messing around' was anything but and was quite threatening/trying out sexual abuse to see how you respond...