My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Even worse - what happens to you daughter if something happens to you and your husband is left to take care of her?

Am v sorry Pugsake.

pugsake that's really awful. So sorry
Someone asked up thread about the possibility of certain types of abuse. Def not sexual!! He was just mucking about that night, trying it on as it had been about a week.
Never felt threatened physically and I think EA has such a broad spectrum it's hard to say. Financially though maybe. Not in a controlling way but more a fear from him being without money whereas till we had dd it wasn't a big factor in my life.

distance I read your post in the night and then had a bad dream about a little girl who looked just like mine but wasn't on a doorstep in the rain, shivering and I picked her up and took her away on a train and I woke up crying. I'm welling up again remembering it
What I'm trying to say is you're getting though to me even if it's subconscious!

But was on a doorstep

Spending family money on alcohol, drugs and tobacco and getting angry with you for no reason (eg buying DD things, ipad) is financial abuse IMO. Bills all in your name.

His arguing style sounds EA and you walk on eggshells.

Yes, the bills thing is ridiculous as I'm the lower earner. I sleepwalked into that one.

The whole EA thing I doubt though as its my personality to be accommodating to everyone I meet and not argue even if I know I'm right. That one of my many personality flaws and I'm sure he takes advantage of it but hasn't caused it IYSWIM.

I feel a bit frozen. I almost wish I hadn't asked him yesterday. I never thought he'd actually say he's addicted. I asked him "so your ok with being a drug addict then?" He did a sheepish face and laughed like 'caught out' school boy and said "yeah, I guess I am".

"Taking advantage" is an understatement.

Please continue with Al Anon and do also consider womens organisations.

Your financial risks here are high, especially if, as seems likely to happen given that his boss is aware of his problems, he loses his job.

I'll be back to al anon tomorrow night for sure. They were such a nice bunch of women.

I know it's shaky ground financially speaking. I'm due a pay rise just before Christmas which I'm keeping busy to myself. In terms of leaving, it seems more like I'm going to have to which is both sad and scary.
I set myself that Christmas time frame and I'll try and stick to it. I understand why some posters and friends at work have said leave now and I know it's selfish that I'm not but i just didn't expect his response yesterday and I think it's going to take a bit of time, not super speedy mumsnet time!

I don't want to state the obvious (and in a way irrelevant to dd and her upbringing) point that it's hard because I do love him but I just want to remind people why things aren't happening instantly.

It is very very very hard having to be the grown up.

And unfair too - partners are meant to halve your burden. That's the whole point of them!

Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore

How is he since the thread started compared to this as a matter of interest? Any change?

Still doesn't see friends unless you count the friend/pot seller at the pub (I don't).

After I told hi how much my own MH was being affected and telling him that I needed him to care about me the same way I do him, he has made a bit of an effort to be more upbeat but the mornings are still hard. Grumpy, snappy and always going on about how tired and broken he is. It turns into a stupid game of competitive tiredness where I point score by telling him how many times dd woke up or what time I was up with her.

Since I spoke to him he's also been a bit better about giving me a chance to go back to bed for an hour or so if neither of us are working.

No one wants you to just up and leave without a solid plan, that would be a disaster. Just don't want to see you still here drifting around next Christmas

Red If you do give him an ultimatum, I would tell him that he needs to be completely clean from weed for at least a year before you'd even consider getting back with him. Otherwise, when he realises he's losing you, he just might (although I seriously doubt it) manage to stop or cut down for a month and then announce that it's all sorted out now and you take him back and it instantly starts again. He has a massive problem and will need to be in treatment for a very long time to stand any chance of beating this.
Honest question - Do you think your DD would actually miss him if you moved out?

Honestly? No
She doesn't really connect with him at all. It's really sad and I've made such an effort to help them get on but she rejects him all the time. I know he's hurt by this and it's just so sad because he loves her.

She actually says some really mean things to him like 'go away' and I feel sad for them both. I can't tell her off for it because she's 3 and doesn't have a filter. She won't even cuddle him sometimes and he has to beg for a hug. He's alway acted very dignified about this problem and doesn't act like a child about it but it must hurt. I'm in no doubt it's because I'm the more fun parent who does more stuff with her. He will sometimes do lovely craft stuff with her but not as often as he used to.

It's also probably because he's emotionally unavailable due to being stoned all the time. And she will have worked out that she's not a priority to him. She might not want to cuddle him because he stinks of weed. And there may well be some underlying anger about how he treats you.

Hmm... I would say it is more likely she just doesn't feel safe with him because he is never sober/not hungover and he doesn't do any parenting... plus he must stink of cigarettes and weed...

I don't think telling someone unsafe to go away is mean really...

She has got anger and doesn't know what to do with it. She never lashes out at us or other children but the shouting and throwing is bad. She will really shout at him!
That's horrible that she might not feel safe with him. I don't give her enough credit to pick up on what's happening. She learnt ealy on that there's no point in even trying to wake Daddy when he's sleeping. Either he'll wake up and be moody or is otherwise impossible to wake. I've found the same.

Tbh if I was a 3 year old and lived with someone grumpy and sullen and snappy.....I wouldn't like him either.

Your DD is telling you an awful lot there: please take her feelings and opinions seriously.

Christmas might be a good chance to have some time away from him, perhaps without telling him you're making plans to leave.

Hey red I've been reading and following for a little while but didn't feel like I had anything to add. I want you to know that I'm really rooting for you. Would love to see you much happier.

It occurred to me that my mum left my dad when I was three – he wasn't a drug addict but he was utterly useless in helping to care for me and she couldn't cope. It was the best thing she ever did – she and I spent a year or so in a grotty flat but we were happy (I have very vivid memories from that time) and then she met my stepdad (who I adore, and did from day one). It forced my dad to get his act together and my relationship with him improved. I'm 26 now and I know my life would've been immensely different if my mum hadn't made a choice for the both of us. She would've been miserable and so would I.

Maybe imagining how things can work out might help. Or maybe thinking 23 years into the future is terrifying (sorry if so!!). Wishing you all the best in working this out.

Red Trust me, she will be picking up on what's happening. I work with women with mental health problems who have babies and, certainly from about 3 months, the babies pick up when their mum is upset or anxious. Your DD won't be able to express it but she will know.

Children are aware of so, so much more than adults usually realise. Your daughter is furious at your husband not only because you are the "fun" parent but also because she realises that there is something very wrong with him and the environment in which he forces her to live.

Please listen to her and protect her. Her reactions are completely normal. She is angry for a very good reason.

I'm sorry if I have come across as harsh in previous posts, OP. I understand that this is very painful for you, and you have come such a long way since your initial post. I do believe that you are a good mother who loves her child, and things can be very confusing sometimes. I do know that things don't happen overnight, but you can't turn back now, however difficult or painful it is for you. For your daughter's sake (and yours).

Red, you say you feel bad " for both of them": can you see that your H's own behaviour and actions (as an adult) have directly caused the problems in his relationship with your DD, and her anger, whereas she is a (neglected - by him) child?

By the way, it's interesting you said this:

I can't tell her off for it because she's 3 and doesn't have a filter.

You seem to believe (probably because of your upbringing) that the normal thing to do is suppress your own needs and desires to accommodate someone else's - to "have a filter". It really isn't normal, OP. And your daughter shouldn't have to grow up believing that she always comes second and she should always shut up so as not hurt other's people's feelings (even if she is justified in being unhappy). She shouldn't be a doormat.

Hi red

We have been harsh on you in this thread at times. I hope you know that this isn't because we enjoy seeing you suffer. Quite the opposite. But your DD currently has nobody - except you - to speak for her and protect her. We have to be your conscience in that regard, and that means we can't let up.

I agree with mshoolies that you need to see him clean and reasonably stable for a year before you think about giving your relationship another shot. But in all honesty, and from a purely amateur perspective, I think he is probably years off being able to get help and mean it.

And the fact that you can be a pushover doesn't mean he isn't an abuser - quite the opposite. Abusers are excellent at finding people who are vulnerable. I'm not saying he sits around rubbing his hands and thinking happily about how he will make you suffer next. But some of how he treats you, I would bracket under 'abusive'. Long term, if you can manage it, you'd almost certainly get a lot from some counselling of your own.