My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!! Maybe I should have done the whole ultimatum thing. Then he'd have been forced to make a choice. This is so horrible.

I don't think he is going to make a choice really.

You are going to have to.

Red the only thing you will get out of an ultimatum is to be made to feel guilty for saying it.
Did you tell him how you feel or just ask him these questions? Did you say your concerns?

Not as much as I've done on here. Somethings still holding me back.

The finances are the one thing you have to really stand your ground with your DD. Fine he doesn't want to change or giveup. It's his body he is polluting long term. But he's using the family money to do it. And polluting the both of you too

The man you loved doesn't seem to live with you anymore

I'm sorry the conversation didn't go as you wanted. That said, a part of me is glad he is so completely unrepentant rather than simply keeping you hanging on for years while he swears he will totally change and get help... soon.

Truth is, even if you give him an 'us or the substances' ultimatum and he says he'll get help, I wouldn't trust anything he says on the topic. I know you are desperate to hear he will change, and I don't want you to move out, him to make a few token appointments and get clean for a month, and you to move back in only for the cycle to begin anew. He is an addict, and addicts will say anything to keep the status quo and keep their habits going.

If you aren't yet ready to leave, then I think it is time to reach out to Social Services and ask for help.

I agree. I think if you confide this conversation to your health visitor, tell her how worried you are about money, 2nd hand smoke and his mental health deteriorating she may be able to offer you the support and back up you need.

Keeping things secret is how they get out of control. Forcing things into the open gives you back some control for yourself - you won't be alone

God. I really didn't expect this conversation to go like this. I know I sound arrogant but I thought we'd mean more to him.

I'm going to talk with the HV again for sure.Message edited by MNHQ to remove identifying name

I've reported my post. I'm an idiot

He's told you very clearly what he's going to do (or fail to do).

Now it's for you to decide what you are going to do. I understand that things are never that simple. But he has told you very clearly that he isn't going to be a father to your daughter, your husband, and that he will continue to endanger your daughter as long as you stay there.

It isn't that you and dd don't mean anything to him.

He is an addict. Nothing can matter more to an addict than the thing they are addicted to.

God. I really didn't expect this conversation to go like this. I know I sound arrogant but I thought we'd mean more to him.

You're trying to apply your thinking (not an addict) to his (an addict). I'm sure that he does love you. But his first and primary love and relationship at the moment is with alcohol and cannabis.

He's given you an ultimatum hasn't he?
Put up and shut up.
He should be putting his dd before anything - we all know addictions are hard but he could at least listen to your side.
He comes across as very arrogant how can it not be impacting in family finances?

I think he's given you his answer.

I'm really sorry for you and your dd.

Why would that be an arrogant expectation to mean the world to your partner

It's a normal expectation

Yep, I think I have my answer. It really hurts though.

It's not a reflection on you or dd red.

It's him being an addict.

You aren't asking to mean the world. You are just asking to be more important than getting stoned/drunk.

He is an addict with no intention of stopping using the substances he is addicted to so you are asking him for things that he cannot provide; love, care, attention, sensible thinking, being sober and present, dd being the priority...

You care enough about your dd to want better for her, you know it's not right, you're doing well.

Sorry to hear it went the way it did. But, you now know where you stand and you need to act for your DD - but also for you. Fast forward 15 years, how much will your DD have been damaged by a continuation of status quo, how many years of your life will you have wasted. It is so, so sad - but it isn't your fault. People have free choice, some choose football/gambling/drink, even OW, over their family's best interest. Your DH has chosen being perpetually stoned. It it harder for you than some of the other 'distractions' because you know what is happening it is very bad for someone you love. You are being far from selfish, you care - but sadly you can't help. For your DD, but also for you, leave. Your DD absolutely must have this, and you deserve it for yourself. Be brave, be strong.

Red I think it shows how addicted he is that he's being completely honest with you and telling you that he has no intention of stopping the weed. A lot of addicts, when put on the spot, will make promises to get help etc but the fact that he's not even doing that speaks volumes.
I have a friend who had a DH with a very similar story with alcohol- he had always been a heavy drinker but in a very controlled way i.e. He would drink about 5 times the recommended government intake but never drink until their DCs were in bed. .Then, for no apparent reason, he completely lost control of his drinking - started hiding bottles round the house, started drinking first thing in the morning on his days off and then escalated to drinking at work and lost his job. It doesn't matter now whether this was triggered by depression or not. He may have been a lovely man in the past but now he is an addict who has no intention of addressing his addiction. You need to leave or make him leave before he drags you and DD down with him.

If you leave because of his addictions and sort out living separately asap, there is nothing to stop you taking him back, should he "see the light" and manage to address his issues m, and you still want to be with him.

If the other complications are your concern for his health, you have already done as much and more for him than you could (to the detriment of you and DD): part of that is your co-dependency. And again, he could seek help himself.

If the complications are concerned with him reacting badly and going on a "downward spiral": that would be his choice, not down to you. Sounds like he already uses any excuse to drink/smoke anyway.

If your concerns relate to his ability to be in sole charge of your DD once you split you can seek legal advice and seek arrangements that protect her. You may find, like my friend, that he huffs and puffs about having her overnight, but doesn't pursue it legally and chooses weed and booze again.

Well he couldn't have made it clearer.

Skunk is for life.

YOUR life.

And the money! Christ, the money!

Imagine if you spent the equivalent on yourself every week? Imagine if you just spent it on magazines every week I.e. something as impermanent and pointless as the drugs and alcohol?

Imagine if he got annoyed with you about the amount you spent on magazines each week and you just told him you'd never ever stop, not even for a week, and you'd be spending that amount if not more for the rest of your days and he could fuck off.

Can't say I'm awfully surprised it went like that red. He is an addict.

So you say you haven't a clue what to do next, although Leaving would be the answer but it's more complicated than that.

MN is chock full of experience and advice. If you tell us vipers about some of the complications maybe we can help.

Red what happens if there is no money? If one of you loses your job? God forbid.

I mentioned by ex in an earlier post, it got to the point he was stealing money out my purse when I needed nappies.

Then it got to the point he was smashing the house up in temper. Then smashing me up. We had a toddler and had recently had the death of a baby.

I wouldn't like to hear of anyone else going through that.

All that cannabis is harmless and not a real drug speak does my head in.