My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

I know
It's easy for us to say we would be throwing him out or leaving but it's clear OP cannot bear confrontation and this barrier is having a terrible consequence upon her life. She won't move past it by being confrontational all it will do is push her away

It's anything but ok. I hope the OP makes drastic change and makes it soon.

But reducing the fire hazards in the meantime can only be a good thing.

Thanks to everyone who posted advice. I know I don't sound like it but my thinking has definitely changed and I'm hopeful to make some big changes in our lives. I don't want to post any more as I feel like it's going round in circles and yes, some posts are a bit painful but I won't forget the advice and will act on it in time. for everyone.

Hope for your daughters sake you act in time.

FWIW I also thing RedStripeLassie has come a very long way and improving life for her daughter and herself will be a marathon and not a sprint. It will take time for RSL to adjust her mindset, her expectations and her courage.

It's a journey.

think not thing (woops...sorry).

The conversation must be had sober. Waiting one more day most likely won't be the end of the world.

red have you decided what you will say? Writing a script might be a good idea. You need a solid plan for the conversation.

Write a list of possible responses and what your reaction to them will be.

You seem to feel like he will catch you out even though you know what he will say. Prepare in advance.

Decide if this is a negotiation or an ultimatum.

If negotiation, what is non-negotiable?

If ultimatum, what are your conditions? Do not give an ultimatum unless you are fully prepared to do what you said you would do. Anything else destroys your influence, you might as well walk out tonight. So, for example: no more drugs in the house, if you find any you will flush them, if he does it again after that you will call the police.

You need to script the "what and when" you require from him. You need to give him the opportunity to refuse and to accept his refusal. You need to have a plan ready for what if he gives the wrong answers.

If you need help deciding on your red lines, your script, your responses to his twisting, plans for if he doesn't change as needed, post here, we will help.

I know a lot of people will say he won't change, he is an addict, leave tonight. I know you aren't quite there yet. If you do this conversation right you will discover quickly whether he will put you and DD first, or if you have to stop holding him off his rock bottom.

Just popping back in to say thanks to rabbit. You've given me some really practical advice and suggestions as have offred and maybedoctor and myusername. My leaving the thread doesn't mean I'm just going to continue ignoring the issues.
I know tonight isn't the right time but I've sowed some seeds for Sunday's talk and already tonight we've agreed that we're going to split all bills down the middle and I also mentioned that I felt it was in appropriate for him to be smoking anything in front of dd. He gave the response that in our tiny flat he can't exactly be out of sight when on the balcony so I grew some ovaries, lost it at him and said "well quit smoking then, you said you would 2 years ago !!".
It sounds tiny I bet but things are changing.

Brilliant progress!! :)

Honestly! I really think it is!! It is so hard to assert yourself like that when you are used to being cowed.

If you are anything like me poking that hornets nest will have made you feel quite confident and I hope it continues!

Good for you OP. Wishing you and your DD well in the future. X

wolfie and of course hiding thank you.

It doesn't sound tiny, far from it, good for you Red You've sown the seed now and hopefully he will start to worry that you're nearing the end of your tether, that can only be a good thing and prepares the ground nicely for when you're ready to issue the big ultimatum, you and DD or weed and alcohol.

Deep down he knows he's taking the piss, knows there will come a point where you won't put up with it anymore and this gives him an early jump on figuring out what he's going to do when that point comes. You'll need to be prepared for an increase in manipulation and emotional blackmail, he'll be worried his free pass to do what he likes is coming to an end so it's important you keep your defences up and let him know your newfound ovaries aren't going away.

I would keep going in the same vein you've started tonight if he brings up what you've said, tell him you've had enough of waiting for things to change and don't know how much longer you can live like this. You don't have to be massively confrontational about it, just don't hide the fact that you're nearing the end of your tolerance for the status quo and let him start to worry about what that might mean for now. At least it won't come as a shock and he can't say he had no warning when you finally tell him he has to choose.

I know this thread has been difficult for you lately but I hope you feel you can come back if you need bolstering and you're more than welcome to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to. I hope you can keep moving forward Red, I'm cheering you on to a better future

Well done red. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Well done. I know even that took some guts when you're so used to appeasing him.

I know I said I'm stepping off but I just wanted to say a big thank you to elsbeth and sarah too!
Feeling positive this morning.

And wolfie

Red That's brilliant. I can understand people's frustration with you appearing to minimise your DH's behaviour but the reality is that it takes many women years to wake up to the reality of the situation they are in and I can see from your recent posts that there has been a shift in the way that you see things.
I think people's frustration and impatience is because of what this is doing to your DD. Her timescale is different to yours - if this goes on for another year, that will be half her life.
I said in an earlier post that, with alcohol addiction, people often reach a rock bottom like getting arrested or waking up with a complete stranger and not remembering how they got there or doing something hideously embarrassing. Cannabis is different in that people don't tend to do really stupid things or (generally) become aggressive. Addicts just become more and more unmotivated and detached from those around them until weed is about the only thing they care about.
I honestly think that the only chance of him changing his behaviour is for you to leave or ask him to leave. Then he will have to face up to what his addiction is costing him and decide if it's worth it.
There is a model used in addictions called The Circle of Change which has different stages. These are: Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Decision, Planning, Action and Maintenance. A few people will stay clean or sober but the majority will lapse and then learn from it and get back on track or relapse and have to go through the whole cycle again.
Your DH is clearly at the pre-contemplation stage as he doesn't recognise his use as problematic and no doubt believes that it helps him relax etc.
Contemplation would be him beginning to question that he may have a problem and that there are negative aspects to his cannabis use e.g. It's expensive, he may start to worry about the long term effect on his health etc.
Beating an addiction is incredibly hard even when the addict is motivated and help seeking. IME the chances of an addict who doesn't even believe they have a problem changing their behaviour is precisely zero.
Sorry for epic post and good luck tomorrow.

Hi Red - just wanted to congratulate you on a lot of progress in a short time: please get some support (Women's Aid, Children's Services, more talk with health visitor) so that you are not alone in getting DD and yourself to a safe place very quickly. Good luck - looking forward to reading about your further success.

red I hope your conversation this morning was helpful to you in deciding what to do next.

I was going to say "Good Luck!" to you, but it isn't luck that's needed so I'll go all nineties instead and say Girl Power to you!

He won't change. Any boundaries of the kind you're seeking to set won't help.

The only thing to do to be a good parent is to leave him. Your work have said you can have some leave; you could use the time to sort out your housing situation and benefits.

Please try to continue to attend Al Anon: is there a friend who would look after your DD for you to go, since her father can't keep her safe?

I am concerned that in addition to the primary problem of his addictions (and consequences of them, eg money, danger to and neglect of DD, your anxiety, his work position being precarious) it sounds like there is also evidence that he's emotionally abusive (eg very hard to argue with, as you've described), financially abusive, and potentially also sexually abusive. Those things may or may not result from his addictions, but they're there. Womens organisations could help you too.

No. He won't change. He just said as much to me. I asked if he thought he was addicted: 'yes but it's not an issue because I'd never do any 'real' drugs.'

I asked him if he'd go a month without. Cue; 'Are you fucking crazy, no I can't do that'

How it's impacting on finances: 'it's not' end of conversation.

Do you know anyone else that smokes skunk daily? 'Yeah xyzzy (losers who are about a decade younger)
GOD!!!

Where does this leave you and DD now?

Not a clue. Leaving would be the answer but it's more complicated than that.

It's always complicated to exit something you have emotional and financial ties but this is the point you have to accept he does not want to change and he will not change. That is not what he wants. He's made that very clear. It is dangerous to hold on to any hope he will.