My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Distance that's not fair. My desision to not tackle it tonight was based on the advice not to have a serious conversation with him whilst he's under the influence.

Red - what about throwing out all the booze in the house? If you can get to his weed throw that out as well... then tell him, cos he will be sober then, that you have had enough and if he wants to continue drinking/smoking he will not do it in this house.

He would go mental

(And if he complains about the weed being thrown out shrug and tell him to call the police after he has packed his bags).

If he goes mental call the police.

I understand it is hard. You know that from having read my threads. I do think it is the right advice for both you and I though!

Point taken regarding the balcony, that won't work.

But surely it is enough that you don't want weed smoked on your balcony?

He can argue till the cows come home about weed being good for you, not harmful to DD, an ancient medicine, the NHS being ignorant, government conspiracies and the establishment preventing his rightful access to legal weed....

What he can't argue with is you not wanting to be with a weed smoker in your home anymore. Because you don't want it.
His response to that will be quite telling.

On another note, how do you feel about my suggestion of throwing out the matches/lighters and candles?

But also ask yourself if he would go mental, he isn't just in a rut is he? He is a properly bad addict.

I'm trying to get you to see that the language and phrases you are trotting out are inappropriate and potentially very damaging for you.

Your intent doesn't match any of your words or actions

You and I both have to get ourselves in a place where we can do this but I think you more so because every joint/can he has he is having around DD.

He isn't smoking and drinking at work is he... because he knows ppl wouldn't tolerate it. What he is doing is coming home gasping and doing it all around DD.

And when is he sober - completely sober - at home, OP? (Being asleep doesn't count).

It really isn't about you and him and dd being a family. It is about him being an addict. You can only start thinking about you and him and dd being a family when/if he deals with his addictions.

The trouble is a lot of people think weed is a harmless drug. I bet he's told you it's better than him been an alcoholic or just taking his normal medication.
I bet he says doctors/lawyers smoke it, it's getting legalised everywhere soon.

You are not doing yourself or your daughter any favours by trying to help him what you are doing is enabling him to continue to smoke your daughters Christmas presents and winter clothes away.

And I am sorry you have ended up here. It isn't your fault, it is his fault, but unfortunately the responsibility to do something about it falls to you and that is very unfair as well.

Look guys, real life doesn't work that fast!

In MN time everyone demands a quick, almost immediate resolution.

In real life there's lots of triangulation.

Red I am so so proud of you. You have come a million miles in your thinking, and in your reframing of your responsibility to your DD.

You have confided in your HV and attended Al Anon! It's huge for you.

All matches and candles have been put away. I scared myself by being so stupid that night.

He's completely sober In the mornings. So Sunday morning will be the moment.

I'm not at all scared of him but the idea of telling him I'd thrown his pot away makes me feel sick. I don't know how he'd react and I don't think it's a good idea at all.

I personally don't think it's a harmless drug. Me and my sister was having this conversation earlier in the year. It makes people moody and miserable.

Elspeth, it's not about the OP or her husband. It really isn't.

What we are pointing out is that there is a child at risk here. And yes, that's an immediate risk. The OP can take all the time in the world to try and work things out with her partner. But at any time something can go wrong, or someone can make a call, and then it's her daughter in the crosshairs.

OP, you and your husband have a choice. Your daughter doesn't. If your husband decides to get better, it will take a long time. You need to protect your daughter meanwhile. Starting now. You're gambling with your daughter's wellbeing.

No, I don't think you should do it... just thinking about his reaction I think would tell you something about his relationship with booze/weed!

Sorry back to work answer later.

We are all here for you.

Don't include me in that Maybe, I'm only here hoping the little girl involved with this useless pair gets help sooner rather than later.

I'm afraid I agree with FishyWishies. Although of course I also wish all the best to the OP. But the priority here is the little girl, who is being seriously endangered by an addicted father and a mother who just won't see it.

I'm still here to support you but I still feel you are back to minimising this situation

If you would like some help in how to approach DP in a straight forward way then I have suggestions
But they do not include trying to make your square peg relationship fit into a round hole

'DP I have come to realise that we are not meeting DD's best needs. I've decided I am going to make changes to her life and mine to give her the best life she deserves. I'm deeply concerned about your drug use, alcohol consumption and our finances. I would like us to be a family unit but this way of living isn't working, so unless you are prepared to seek proper addiction support and stop using illegal drugs which put our daughter at risk, then our relationship cannot continue.'

Somewhere tonight a little girl will be with a drunken, drugged up dad and a mum who likes a little drink on a Friday night, but it's OK because the candles have been put away. Fucks sake.

If you care to look back at my posts on this thread you will see that I have given some pretty sound advice, from a professional as well as a personal perspective.

But driving the OP away will achieve a big fat zero. She needs to feel able to come back here.