My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

What a horrible conversation that would be red

His goal for the discussion would be maintaining his "right" to smoke and drink every day. His goal wouldn't be how to make red's life easier because she's obviously exhausted.

He is an addict red. His primary relationship is with weed. He always puts it ahead of you and DD. You already know he will do that if you try to discuss stopping for any reason.

Think of it as another woman. He is giving money to OW which has put you in debt by paying his way for him. He will always make sure he gets time with OW every night no matter how much you need him. He will ignore DD to spend time with OW. He keeps OW in the house.

You implied that DD knows the drug dealer and his daughter pretty well. What do you think social services will say about that? I let out a little involuntary gasp when I read your words, especially as you were writing as if it was somehow nice and normal, like knowing the vicar or the lady in the checkout at Asda. It is not normal.

Hi red did you manage to find the courage to demand he pays his share?

How's it going?

He's been working non stop but is off today so time for a big chat. Dreading it. The problem is I don't know whether it's better to do it when I get in from work and he'll be presumably on at least his first joint and possibly beer and will be in a good mood but probably won't take things seriously or do I wait till Sunday morning when he'll be tired and grumpy after working all day Saturday but at least he'll be sober?
What do you think?

Sober. Always sober.

Never ever discuss anything important with a person who has had a drink or a joint. It is just a waste of your time and energy. Only talk about nonsense after taking mood altering / brain altering anything (even just a little bit of it) General rule of life learned the hard way.

Hmm, I thought you'd advise that. It makes it more unpleasant for me because I know he'll be a dick about it on Sunday morning and I'll potentially have ruined our one day off as a family together in the whole week. I do know what you mean though. So tonight we'll just have a nice night in and I won't try to tackle the big stuff yet. Also it's Friday night and I'd quite like a small drink myself. It'd look ridiculous to be having that conversation with a beer in my hand!!

I'm sorry, OP, but what are you doing?

You are still focusing on him. On having a conversation with him. On trying to "tackle the big stuff" with him (which you won't be doing yet because you'll ruin your "family day" - which by the way is no such thing when he is off his head drinking and smoking on the side).

Your friends know. Your daughters friends know. That's why they won't come to play in your home. Your neighbours can smell your husband from a mile off and yes, they do think you are "one of those families". Your daughter's friends already know that her dad is a druggie and that's why they aren't allowed to go to her home. Things are only going to get worse and harder for her and for you.

What are you waiting for? For something to go so wrong that SS will intervene? For your daughter to be hurt? For something terrible to happen? Do you really need such a strong external push to do something for your own daugher?

I'm focusing on us. The three of us as a family unit. I want so much for things to work out. When I started this thread it wasnt 'my dh is a drugged up dick who I want out'. It was a call for help to see if other women had been through similar experiences with a loved one and how to get through it. I've listened and my views on the whole thing are radically changing but it doesn't get rid of that little spark of hope that we can work through it and dd can have the upbringing she deserves and the Dad she deserves and I can have the man back I used to love and respect as a best friend and a lover and be the type of Dad he could be if he just got out of this rut.
That must sound stupid to you but that's what's making me stall. I've set a time limit of change or we leave before next year. Things aren't going to continue as they have been and I realise I've let dd down badly.

It doesn't sound stupid, OP. It's perfectly understandable.

But you keep trying to talk to your husband and hoping that he will respond like a reasonable person. He isn't. He can't be. He's an addict. He has said that you and your daughter matter more to him than drugs, but right now this isn't true.

He can change, if he wants to. But he has absolutely no reason to want to, because he is comfortable where he is right now. You take care of absolutely everything and mother him and don't kick up a fuss. The only way he's going to change is if you stop enabling him.

And are you seriously going to subject your daughter to one more year of this? One more year of a house that stinks of skunk? Of your friends and their children not coming over because they know what's going on? Of neighbours knowing? Of anything potentially going very wrong and SS being called in?

Why not say:

I don't want to be with a weed smoker anymore.
I don't want DD to be around weed smoking or cigarette smoking anymore. This includes the balcony and any time you are looking after her in a public place. I don't want her to be around any fire hazards and I am getting rid of any candles, matches and lighters from our home.

I am changing the balcony into a fun play space for DD, which she needs and deserves. It is no longer a smoking area.

If you want to smoke weed you can do it at someone else's house.
If you want to smoke cigarettes you can do it on your breaks at work.

If this is too restrictive for you, we can live separately.

uk.pinterest.com/elizawaddell/balcony-play-ideas/

Red,

re your comment:-
"I'm focusing on us. The three of us as a family unit. I want so much for things to work out".

Why?. Why is he still front and centre in your mind?. It is clear he is not interested in changing for you or anyone else. You are still trying to rescue and or save this person as well as minimising his addictions by calling it a rut he is in. I think your DD and you should be focussed on properly now; he is still taking up way too much of your emotional energy and he is really taking you for a fool. He hit paydirt when he met you.

Re your comment:-
"Things aren't going to continue as they have been and I realise I've let dd down badly"

Do you really mean that or are you just paying lip service to this?. The last part of that sentence is very true. At least you have some sort of timeline now but I don't think you'd walk before Christmas because you want that "family time" for your DD. How do you think Christmas at your house is going to pan out really?.

It is only when you have fully extricated yourself from him will you perhaps realise how bad this has been for you and your DD.

The only thing I want to add is that he isn't in your family unit. He opted out a while ago and you are trying to keep him involved in it but he just isn't.

He's majorly in the grip of two addictions and that is all he is focused on.

You and dd are the family unit. He is just an addict who lives with you.

Not another year. By Christmas to the new year as in a couple of months.

It was me speculating about why people don't come over anymore. It must just be my bad housekeeping!

The neighbours must know about the skunk. He's out there smoking it more than he's inside during the evening. If someone did call social services it would be catastrophic. The poster who said that I'd be dragged through the mud too has scared me as I thought they'd just come down on him. I can't risk that. When I talk to him on Sunday I'm going to raise that point and when he says I'm being a drama queen I'll say I that actually, no that really happens.

This is pretty obvious to me that the only changes that will take place will be after the event of a crisis.

I.e. Too late

You would be dragged through the mud
As DD's other parent you would be seen as equally responsible for her care and its negligence on your part to continue to place her at risk of physical harm (accident in his care, ingestion of substances) and neglect (leaving a child in the care of a known drug user who is also drunk)

It's neglect. It's negligent behaviour. They will not look at you as the 'good parent' and him the user as bad, you will both be 'parents who make poor choices'

I can't believe he's been such a dick

FWIW I've had to have my codeine increased I have a knee injury that's worse in cold weather.

The difference is DH has my back. I can take a full dose on a night when he's home from work and he will see to the kids.

I don't take it to feel out of it, I take it so I get a few hours without being in pain. Prescribed medication is completely different to weed and booze (unless it's being abused obviously)

Urgh! Our balconys way to high to let dd out on!

I'm not paying lip service. I believe myself that if I make a time frame I'll stick to it.
I think you can imagine what our Christmases are like. He cooks and that then absolves him of having to do anything family or home centred after that. Given he only got worse this year I'm a bit nervous of it approaching. Not to mention money.

I've been following this thread from the start.
I work in a safeguarding role at primary.
We know the children who come in smelling of weed you can smell it on their clothes, hair and book bags.

If I were you I would take my dd to my parents for the weekend and turn off my phone I would then come back Sunday and spell it out to him that until he stops you will not be coming back.

If work is difficult go and get signed off for a while but you need to remove your daughter before it all goes tits up which it will.
Try and imagine the pit of your stomach every time your dd teacher asks for a word or the school number flashes up on your mobile, probably over nothing but you will always worry that you are about to be pulled up on something your dd has said about daddy smoking.

We have seen it all at work and exposing your dd to weed is as bad and frowned upon as any other drugs.

It would only be catastrophic for you if you keep saying things like 'keeping together the family unit', 'get him out of this rut', 'give him until Christmas' and referring to things like the park as a lovely day.

Social services won't want to take DD away but DD needs to be away from him and they might think she needs to be away from you too if you keep on thinking he will suddenly listen and stop being an addict.

The reason they might think she needs to be away from you is because the reality that most of us are seeing is that how she is living now is the catastrophy. None of us can agree that giving him more time will do anything other than just ruin things even more for her.

So, if you need time to plan your escape then OK but calling SS yourself would help with that and even help him face up to it and get proper help. If you are saying you are going to give him time to change then that's why people are getting her up because he is an addict, he is not 'in a rut' and giving him more time is just giving him more time to fuck things up for you and DD.

A safeguarding professional will not see you as having an active intent or purpose to make changes in DD's best interest

Currently you are continuing to focus on 'all 3 of you' which continues to place you and DP on the same priority as DD.

Your needs and wants and DP's needs and wants should not be a high priority factor here. Parents needs and wants in these situations are not considered over the needs and wants of a child.

So to say to a SW 'I wanted to keep our family together' is a well worn out explanation for 'I didn't take any action' and not a good reason to continue in an unstable environment

I think that it is purely a matter of time now before your life Red, as chaotic really as it is now, does really come crashing down around your ears. Your own issues have caused you to make and keep on making poor relationship decisions.

OP, don't fool yourself. Your friends don't choose to see you in the café across the street because of your bad housekeeping. It's because of your husband and the stink. And those who have children worry about the sort of environment your home is for a child.

I understand that this is extremely painful for you. But the man you are with is no longer your husband or your daughter's father. He's an addict. Until that gets sorted out, he can be nothing else, and you're on your own.

He needs to acknowledge that he has a problem and that he needs to solve it. But he doesn't think he has a problem. All you can do is act as if he has a very serious problem (which is the truth) and protect your daughter. This really can't go on. And I wouldn't give it even a month and a half (which is the time to Xmas).

You do make everything sound very chaotic.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who posted on this thread. I'm seeing a weed smoker and he is constantly letting me down. I changed his name in my phone to Ladyweedrot is No1
The next line reads: I can't fix him- he can't love me.

It is really helping me to disengage from him. (I've been editing his name to different names over the last week or so, and it has helped to re-orientate my view.)

So tonight we'll just have a nice night in and I won't try to tackle the big stuff yet. Also it's Friday night and I'd quite like a small drink myself. It'd look ridiculous to be having that conversation with a beer in my hand!!

Just think how it would go down with SS - that you were going to have a serious talk with your husband about his drug addiction but didn't because you wanted to have a drinkie that night yourself.

You say your daughter comes first. Get your priorities straight then, OP.

TBF red only said that because she was told to tackle him when he is sober. She was trying to act on advice.