My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

This is just another way he is making you and dd vulnerable IMO. He is reducing your capacity to be a fit parent by exhausting you in various ways.

Just another reason to get out IMO.

You're the exhausted parent, red. And no wonder, you are sole-parenting two children, one an addict who needs a great deal of emotional management. I suspect your pain will reduce markedly once you are out on your own.

offred I don't think he's really exhausting me on purpose but he does like taking advantage of having the moral high ground. He even asked if I was drunk
I suppose in a way I was drunk on codeine. He doesn't like me taking it because apparently his mum got too fond of it. More moral high ground.

I'm so exhausted and dd's off sick from nursery and the iPads broken and we've done arts and crafts and all I want to do is sleep!!!!!

Does he fuck have the 'moral high ground'!!!

You took medication for illness and accidentally fell asleep! He gets drunk/stoned every single fucking day!!!

And no not many of the things he will ever do will be 'on purpose' because he is never sober!!

Fact is that he is using this incident to justify his addiction by making you 'the bad guy' and feeling better about himself and his addictions.

If he thinks you taking codeine is so bad I take it this means he will immediately stop smoking/drinking?

You have a point. It just gives him a little bit of power to be the better parent in these situations. I was posting on here right up until I fell asleep so you can see I wasn't 'off my head' on pain relief. It was stupid of me though. Much harder to talk through his issues with him now as I know for a fact he'll bring this up.

It isn't harder, it is an opportunity!

He says 'you took codeine and passed out and nearly burned the house down' you say 'so you agree then, neither of us should take drugs while we are around DD?'

Yes, it could be an opening, but with my rubbish debating skills I can predict the argument. It would go from me saying you post above to him saying "but I'm not the one who almost burnt the house down" he's been lucky so far and hasn't put us in more than some potential danger. He falls asleep with a can in his hands and it spills but I'm almost always around in the evening to 'put the flat to bed' (curtains closed, candles and lights out etc).

Well then you reply 'that's because you are always drunk/stoned so I know I can't trust you to be around DD and I have had to monitor you. You don't have to monitor me because TBH i have only been out of it ONCE and when I was it was from taking legitimate medicine for a health condition'

It's not your rubbish debating skills. He's deliberately manipulating you. Addicts are expert liars and manipulators.

And then you mention 'and for that matter you aren't ashamed to be drunk/stoned at a children's playground in the middle of the day either, instead of playing with DD I might add' he will reply with his bullshit about it just being weed and no-one is bothered and loads of ppl have a pint in the pub with their kids at the weekend and you say 'OK, well lets phone social services and the police then and ask them if they aren't bothered'

If you could just not bother arguing about anything with him and repeat ad infinitum 'I am not going to talk to you until you are sober'

(But if you threaten to phone actually do then phone).

And anything he says reply 'well this will all be resolved when I phone x tomorrow'

Just thinking about that level of confrontation is scaring the shit out of me.
I'm definitely not at the point I could ring SS . I'm still desperate for him to change. I know you thing there's a slim to none chance of this.

Ok, so examine that thinking?

What would be the catalyst for change? Through what mechanism might he change?

In the current situation where he thinks there isn't anything wrong with how he is and says he will never stop how rational is it to believe that he will change his mind with you protecting him from all the consequences and afraid to even speak about your feelings on it directly to him?

Just walk away from him....you wont argue him out of his lifestyle choices. Just work on getting yourself strong enough to walk away.

Falling asleep with a lit candle really wasn't a good idea, but you know that. The point is that you are constantly having to monitor him, but if you take your own eyes off the ball for one moment then he isn't there to catch you, is he? Remember the treadmill.

Maybe this is a useful prompt. When you get home take all candles, matches and lighters, put them in a carrier bag and bin them. That is one major thing you can do for all your safety and especially DD's safety. He can keep one lighter in his pocket and that's it.

LED wax candles are v realistic and give a lovely glow.

I agree I don't think spending time trying to work out how to answer him back will help you, he is not going to suddenly say 'wow Red is right! What on earth was I talking about'
Most couples even in a healthy relationship disagree now and then but once you have lost the basis of respect for the other person these arguments just become trying to be the person who is better and more right than the other one.
Confronting him over this won't make your life better because he doesn't want to change, for you or for anyone else.
It's much easier for him to paint you as a crappy parent because it eases his guilt instead of facing up to things. All you will do is end up in a row you lose and feel worse.
I think the road you are on now it will take an actual crisis to make you take Action, and by then it could be all too late.
You need to take steps to make a better life for yourself

I've said this time and time again that just because you don't take any action doesn't make you any less culpable than the perpetrator of the issues in the first place.

I don't think he'll listen. But I know one of the issues with things like this is the double bind of feeling like you can't speak directly about how you feel and that you 'just need to get him to understand'.

Getting angry and arguing back can often be what bolsters your own confidence and leads to you taking action because you've proven to yourself that you can tackle it and that the problem is not that he doesn't understand but that he is not prepared to actually listen to it any way you can put it to him.

I do know that it is hard for you to give up on him, and accept the man you thought you knew, the man you loved, isn't there any more and may never have been. Please keep going to Al-Anon though, and consult CAB and Women's Aid. It sounds like finding a new flat of your own, even if it's tiny, is your best option. Perhaps you can begin to keep a notebook, or a computer file, of the incidents where he is unreasonable and inconsistent, where he puts you in the wrong and is grossly hypocritical. Perhaps you can begin to dream of that little flat, which may be small but where nobody gets stoned and hassles you for sex and turns your rightful anger around on you, where it is quiet and you are safe.

Seriously, though, you may have to call SS yourself. The only way to manage the risk that you will be assessed as failing to protect your daughter is to bring them in yourself. And I second PPs in saying that some day someone will call them. If you got ill, for instance, and your H was taking care of your DD full time, I would call them myself. I'm sorry, but any loyalty people have to you will be (and should be) trumped by their responsibility to your daughter.

(Also, it's maybe best to get rid of your candles, for now. No sense courting an accident.)

Hell yeah stand up for yourself x 10000 but don't get into discussions with the hope he will suddenly accommodate himself to you. State your position on it.
I would never advise someone in a relationship to NOT talk to their partner about something important but this will just be tit one up manship if you don't put in some boundaries. You don't want to confront him because you know you won't 'win' which just goes to show how toxic this has become. No one is winning here

Weed can cause anxiety and paranoia. So it may actually be causing the problem rather than something your DH is using to medicate a problem.

Thanks for all your advice. I've got a lot to think about.