My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Hi Red, I don't have much to add to the good advice you're getting here and I can hear in your more recent posts that your eyes are opening wider and wider but I just wanted to add my voice and support to the others trying to alert you to the risks his behaviour is exposing you and DD to.

When I was using I had managed to completely normalise my way of life. I could acknowledge in the back of my mind that other people (and social services) might see things differently but I pushed those thoughts away and kept telling myself that DD wasn't really at risk from my drug use, that I was providing her with adequate care and that she was safe in my care. It's only now, looking back, that I can see that I was nothing more than lucky that no harm came to her. That any number of things could easily have happened because I was always stoned, that she deserved better than the only half (at best) engaged parent I must have been because I thought I couldn't function without a joint before breakfast and that social services wouldn't have thought twice (and would have been totally justified) about taking her had we come to their attention.

It makes me feel sick to think of it now, I was so blinded by and entrenched in my addiction I actually thought I was a good parent! I have no idea if your DH thinks the same about himself but it's obvious from what you've said that his behaviour is sufficiently normalised in both his mind and yours that it doesn't occur to either of you that he shouldn't be looking after DD on his own. That's a dangerous place to be Red and I really hope your luck holds until you're ready to face the fact that it can't happen anymore.

Your DD is lucky compared to mine, she has one functioning parent but I hope you're starting to see that she has to be solely your responsibility because he is not fit for the job while he's using. You are, essentially, a single parent, you have no one on hand you can leave DD with safely and on top of that you have to manage his behaviour around her so she isn't affected by his addiction and struggle to provide the material things she needs while he smokes and drinks away family money. I've said from the outset you need to leave and only return if he commits to recovery and I honestly think, once you're away from him, you will realise just how much of a battle living with his addiction has been for you.

Practically speaking though I want to keep my job and I'm worried about having to face our landlord and paying up final bills. It's not just a case of upping sticks and going. I feel a bit tied to it all.

I think you could do with a bit of practical support around all of this. CAB? Is there anyone at Al-Anon who could talk to you about the appropriate process (legally and practically) for getting an addicted partner to leave?

Is your salary paid into your own personal account or a joint one? If joint, I'd think about changing that now. Who is on the contract for your home? Is your mum's home within commutable distance of your job?

And yes, the 'you're all middle class and don't understand' thing is a total misconception. I am most definitely working class and completely entrenched in the 'smoking weed is normal' culture which I know makes it incredibly difficult to kick up what feels like a massive fuss about something 'everybody does'. None of that matters, you are struggling as a result of that lifestyle and you know DD deserves better, that's enough reason to kick up as much 'fuss' as necessary to get yourself to a place where you can make a better life for you both. There's nothing wrong or unreasonable in wanting that, weed might be commonplace but it's not controlling everyone's life the way it is DH's and you're 100% right for wanting better for DD.

Yes, go and see CAB. They can do you a benefits check for various scenarios of you being single not working, single working and still with h.

Get prepared by getting a picture of what you would need to do should he leave, you kick him out or should he come a cropper through drink/weed like he could have done drinking before/after his colonoscopy

I grew up middle class but have been resolutely underclass since 16... benefits scum living on a council estate now!

Nowt wrong with council estates Offred and I'm quite happy being 'underclass' so long as I'm no longer weed-addled underclass

What final bills? Will there ever be a time they don't exist?

Landlords are generally understanding of people changing their tenancy.

Whose names are on the tenancy and the utility bills? Who pays them? When is the tenancy up?

Red already has her own bank account
The first steps of preparing him to leave is filling in the calculator on entitledto.co.uk which will show you what you qualify for.

Once you are apart you can claim tax credits and housing benefit towards your rent. You can do this immediately.

Personally it is best to discuss this claim with your landlord but it is risky they may say they don't want a DSS tenant. In this case you approach the council if you are evicted and they will house you temporarily

You will NOT be financially worse off in your current situation without him, the system despite all the tabloids supports working single parents, help with childcare etc. It is worth your while working over 16 hours a week.

If you are low income you also get help with prescription costs, school meals etc.

If you have issues with gas and electric you contact them and ask for a payment plan. They are legally obliged to help you

The one thing you must never default is council tax. It's a harsh penalty. And rent.

If you are leaving him though, you may be up being chased for payments if in your name.
You need to give your landlord notice as your contract says and pay your rent up to date.
Again, utility companies are now legally obliged to help you when in payment difficulties and will come to a plan with you to pay off what you owe In your name - when you move out you call them that day and say 'I've left' and from that date onwards they will not bill you further. You only owe up to that date you left, and if you cannot pay the full amount they will come to an arrangement with you

And from the date you inform the utility companies the person present at the address becomes liable for the bills

If you want to take your name off the tenancy you contact the agent or landlord and discuss it

My salary is paid into my account which is good but all the bills have somehow ended up in my name. I got an overdraft extension to pay water but there will be another before Christmas. Electric is hideously overdue and its setting off my anxiety even posting about it. Rent comes out of my account and he pays his share into my bank (which to be fair he always does). Everything's in my bloody name!
A payment plan for electric sounds good and I'll do that entitled check tonight.
There's no way I could keep my current job if I moved home. It's nowhere near London.

I know it's stupid but I've got an irrational, panic attack inducing fear of our landlord. I've never even met him but my anxiety is triggered by every phone call or email. I've been on at dh forever to help me shoulder the responcibilitys off just reporting problems to him but he flat out refuses and tells me it's good to face my fears. All that might sound mad to non anxiety sufferers!!

Eh, anxiety isn't rational; stuff happens. If your name is on all bills and you are the sole name on the tenancy agreement, I think your best shot may be finding out the best legal way to get your DH out. That said, if he is also on the tenancy/your home would be unaffordable solo/you are afraid you and DD would not be safe if you continued to live in his old home you might be better finding a new flat on the quiet and then transferring all bills back into his name.

You can communicate with the landlord by email if you need to; we can draft the message for you if it comes to that, and you can just press "send".

he flat out refuses and tells me it's good to face my fears.

Would your parents be able to help you settle final bills etc?

They might have a different perspective on their son-in-law's habits if they realise that their daughter is living in poverty as a result.

I don't want to stay there. It's all part of the massive, depressing rut we're in.
Thanks for the offer of draft on the letter. In my mind that already feels like I'm sharing the burden!

I'm so embarrassed to ask. We don't really do hand outs in my family. They think I've done really well for myself and that illusion would be crushed. I know that sounds really petty in such a situation.

All the bills are in your name and he pays "his share" into your account. I read that as his share of the rent into your account - are you shouldering all of the other bills by yourself while he smokes away the money he should pay towards utilities?

He pays his half of council tax and the (now broken) iPad bill was in his name, like a phone contract.

I wonder if he thinks it would be good for him to face his 'fear' of doing without cannabis and alcohol? He makes nothing like the same sort of allowances for your (genuine, medical) anxiety disorder as he expects you to make for his (self inflicted) addiction does he Red? What does that say about the order of importance of you and cannabis/alcohol in his life?

RedStripeLass i dont know if anyone said this already...but if your DH is addicted you cannot fix it alone. You didnt cause it, you can't control it and you can't fix him. He needs to want to do it.
But you can take care of yourself and DD and limit the damage on both of you. I think you need to explore other options like what would happen if you split, e.g. can you get accommodation and benefits and make it work. You should of course talk to him but ultimately you have to be prepared to do right by your DD. And yourself. I read your thread about outing to the playground and the way he is is not good for you and DD

Another willing helper here with writing letters/emails and sorting out any practicalities you feel are hurdles you will struggle with Red. Feel free to PM me with anything I can help you with.

God thank you! It's such a massive trigger for my MH.
I think CAB help with that too.

I have anxiety too. It is very disabling and people don't understand it!

One of my major things is healthcare. I often end up picking up my prescriptions late because I am fighting my anxiety about going to the pharmacy. CSM (creepy stalker man) had to force me to a&e when I really badly hurt my ankle once (it was a torn tendon and not broken in the end) and he was having to carry me in and out of the car. I didn't sort out my eye effectively when I lost my vision, my mum found out and marched me to the GP/optician.

I struggle with buses and often with leaving the house at all! Can't speak to strangers on the phone - thank god for takeaway and taxi apps!

And there is only so much 'facing your fear' you can manage IME.

What you need is unpicking your anxious thinking and you don't always know what it is.

IME just pushing yourself to do the things you are anxious about actually just puts you under constant stress without actually dealing with the anxious thinking.