My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Are you sure he's not trying it out or covering his actual feelings with 'just joking'?

That's the conclusion I have come to re MCS (My Creepy Stalker) 'teasing' mocking of me being ill.

I don't understand why anyone would or how anyone would 'pretend' to be sexually aggressive...

Seems much more likely he is being sexually aggressive but laughing it off because he's not quite confident enough to progress it... yet...

My dad was also good at hiding it. I can tell because his tone of voice changes, it's softer and kind of happier than his normal tone. He also repeats himself A LOT. If it's really bad then he slurs but that's very rare.
I've been at family occasions with him and been furious he is drunk and no one else can see it except me/sister.

offred of course you're right. I'd go mad if that was the case.
Sadly my gut instinct is telling me I
Don't love him like I used to and that if he's not serious about getting help he is slowly becoming less and less attractive to me. My gut instinct also tells me there's a good reason why Dd vastly prefers me to him.

You know actually he is miffed that he doesn't get his 'reward' even though he has taken dd for you and at least tried to cook for you....

Ok, don't fight those feelings or try to minimise them. They are real and yours and you don't have to battle them for him. You deserve to be able to have those feelings for yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I don't understand his thought process either offred. I think he thinks I like that dominance . I'd much prefer a massage and warmth.

He's conked out asleep now so it's not going to happen.

I think he's just drunk and giving it a crack

I won't fight those feeling but I do find it hard to feel them as strongly when things improve even slightly.

Me too user

That's normal that they come in waves, but what we have tried to get you to see is that even the most tiny move from him gives you hope, but it's not ever been sustainable, of his doing. So it's literally like you are on the worlds most rubbish rollercoaster that you keep buying a ticket for

Eesh, I'd watch it just in case. Bit worrying that he picks dominance in these circs.

It does feel that way.

Get some sleep and see how you feel tomorrow. Read your al anon stuff and see what decisions you want to take tomorrow. I would strongly advise against leaving DD with him unless you could actually prove he was 100% sober and make that clear to him too.
I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was drunk and stank of booze and weed either so I can't imagine he actually believes he is attractive to you and that could be fuelling some aggression from him

I'm off to bed. I just hope things feel this clear tomorrow.

I wonder how involved will he be in getting DD ready in the morning.

I have an uncle who is an alcoholic. We always knew, even though he's totally functional. We knew because he would start clearing his throat and going "hmm?" at the end of every sentence. Then continuing on. A vocal tic.

So small. You wouldn't notice it unless you spent a lot of time with him and connected the dots. But once noticed, it can't be unseen.

So even at a very young age, I remember telling my Dad that Uncle had been drinking. And I knew to avoid him, not because he was abusive (he wasn't) but because he'd be maudlin and clingy and talk too much and be a bit narky and just yucky.

It's astonishing what kids notice.

If you were to split and the court were to be made aware of his drug use he would at best be allowed visitation at a contact centre, he would certainly never be allowed unsupervised access to your child. Even if he can hold off until she's asleep (which I doubt) if he is the only adult in the house he needs to be together enough to deal with an emergency - falls out of bed and hits her head, he sets fire to the house etc. This is because he is considered to be high risk and incapable of looking after a child with daily drug and alcohol use.

I had an ex who sounds fairly similar, he did give up smoking.... but smoked more weed in it's place, usually around £80 a week, after a couple of years he couldn't hold down a job for more than a few weeks. A small criticism from his boss became the world out to get him (along the lines of 'you've been a late a few times this week, I know it's only a few minutes but keep an eye on it okay?'). I minimised it, he had a truly terrible childhood, it was his way of coping with his depression etc... until one day I realised his story didn't have to be mine, that I wanted a future that looked nothing like the life we were living for my family. FWIW I did leave 2 years earlier, he cleaned up his act, I came back, we got a new house... within weeks the weed crept in again as he clearly thought I wouldn't go anywhere with the tie of the house, and I guess for a long time he was right. I have two wonderful children now and the idea they would ever be in that environment is abhorent. A very close family member is a teacher and has just dealt with a case where the child was taken away after mum took him to a&e as he'd found a grinder and mum didn't know if he'd ingested anything, mum swore blind that dad's stuff was always in a locked box, no idea how the little one had gotten hold of it, in the end she only got access to her child back after several months and by moving out and in with her own mother, dad isn't allowed any access anymore. So yes, social services absolutely will get involved with 'just' weed. That is a loving, caring mum, who thought she had done everything to protect her little boy from dad's actions, and a dad who was too stoned to take care of his shit after using it and not thinking of the dangers to his child in the slightest.

Between now and Christmas he will spend £490 on weed alone, your child has presents from a charity shop - merry Christmas to him.

You are stronger than you think, 90% of people wouldn't have been able to come back to this thread and take in the well meant but hard to read advice that has been posed here. Well done for starting to see his behavior for what it is. For what it's worth, I doubt he's consciously lying to you, he believes what he says, unfortunately his reality is so skewed that what he says isn't up to much.

Glad to see you are still on here Red and even more pleased that you have been to your HV.

In all honesty I think you are sailing very, very close to the wind with regards to someone reporting your DH. At that point in time your own decision-making will be under a lot of scrutiny. I would report someone who was taking drugs in a children's play-park - and that is just as a member of the public. A number of people are aware of your DH's habit - are they all going to keep quiet about it? - and I think it is only a matter of time before the penny drops.

Please re-read my alternative description of your Sunday again, up-thread. I have taught children who have had social services involvement and in several cases mothers were only able to keep their children if they ended dangerous/abusive relationships.

I strongly suggest that you consider taking a leave of absence from work and telling your DH that you are going to stay with your family until he resolves this or seeks help. The chances of him doing so are very slim. Pack everything you can carry, get a taxi and go, as I honestly think it might be better if you didn't go back.

Predictably he was incredibly slow at getting moving this morning. So much so it made me late for work as I didn't want to leave dd with him still half asleep and no sign of getting up. It's not the first time this situation has cause me to arrive late.

He doesn't take me seriously. I've repeatedly told him that I don't want dd to see him smoking but he really doesn't get that she will pick up on this stuff. Elspeth that's quite an eye opener.

redtent the mother had restricted access to her child?! That's possibly scared me more than anything I've read on here. I can imagine they'd take a dim view of him but her! I'm going to relay that to dh and see what he says. How he can talk his way round that one.

Why on earth do you insist on "relaying" things to your husband, OP?

He'll say that we exaggerate; that it's not like that; that he's fine; that you are a good mother so no one will take your child away; that he's a good father so no one will take your child away.

He's an addict. You can't reason with him. He'll twist every argument, every fact, into a justification to keep smoking and drinking.

You don't have a relationship in which joint decisions are made. The responsibility here lies entirely with you. And you keep focusing on your husband, your husband, your husband, not on the person who really doesn't have a choice in all this and is completely helpless. Your daughter.

And yes, the mother had restricted access to her child, because she endangered her child. Like you are endangering yours. With the best intentions in the world (for your husband), of course.

He's an addict. You can't reason with him. He'll twist every argument, every fact, into a justification to keep smoking and drinking.

this. I'm sorry, red, but you are going down a blind alley when you try to reason with him. He will do what he always does, which is turn it around on you. (And make you feel crap for raising it, for afters.) You are searching for a reasonableness, an ability to listen, which he does not possess right now^, and possibly never did.

Talking to him is going to get you precisely nowhere. Talk is cheap; an addict will say literally anything in order to keep their addictive behaviour going. I don't doubt that when he thinks he needs to, he will weep and wail and assure you that he'll change, but he won't. Right now he's not even bothering to throw much in the way of "I'll change" verbiage your way, much less behaviour. It is painful to see you so easily reassured by him doing a bit of cooking (drunk) and watching your toddler (...drunk).

maybedoctor your alternative view on our Sunday stuck with me. I keep falling back trying to pretend that everyone posting here doesn't understand and that you are all very middle class and leading very different lives. I've lurked on mumsnet long enough to know the stereotype isn't true and many of you posting here have personal experience of all kinds of fucked up situations but my mind comes up with all kinds of crap to justify myself putting dd in potential danger.

I'm getting closer to that. I've set a time limit of pre Christmas. Practically speaking though I want to keep my job and I'm worried about having to face our landlord and paying up final bills. It's not just a case of upping sticks and going. I feel a bit tied to it all.

There is nothing whatsoever you can say that will do a thing. The only thing you can do is act.