My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Lovey I haven't rtft but two things are vital.

You look after yourself. Go to GP. Sort out your own depression. If you falter then your dd has no one. Get yourself ok before you try to help your partner

Other people will be smelling the pot. On dd and you and certainly on him. It will not be long before someone is concerned enough to report it. Now, that actually may be what dd needs. It is terrible her being around this and you are getting ill. He is risking your family more than just damaging himself. Does he fall asleep smoking? Have you got a working smoke alarm? I am not demonising him but if he won't help himself, you can't make him. Is he under care of a clinical team for his chronic illness? Will they pick up on his ill health? His depression won't improve without the pot and booze going.

Could you stay with family or friends for a while to get some space?

Good luck, you sound lovely. You can't fix him if he won't be helped. Would you go to Al Anon?

Is he still trying to be on best behaviour?

If so, tell him that he needs to pay the water and the electricity due. Complain about you paying for all of that being unfair and making you resentful with it being nowhere near the iPad costs. Get weepy and angry until he pays it.

He bloody should have been paying half all along so it is completely fair.

Think of it this way, he smoked his half of the electricity and water bills, which meant you went into overdraft and you owe money to the utility company.

In other words, your overdraft and debt were spent on skunk for him. You should be fucking livid and determined to get the money out of him.

offred that sounds really rough on you and actually it sounds like yours is worse than mine . I get really worried about health stuff too. I hope you are getting through it.

supertrooper he doesn't smoke inside. I've always made sure this rule sticks. We do have a fully working smoke detector though. it gets tested every morning by me burning the toast . I'm scared now more than ever that people can smell it. I also know when he's bought skunk because the flat stinks. This thread has made me think that this is why my friends always arrange play dates round theirs when I'm offering for people to come over. No one comes over anymore but me and dd have got friends and go round to their houses always.

Hmm rabbit best behaviour? I was so angry at him being off his face when I came back from Alanon that I had a proper go at him. He kept asking me to come outside, come to the kitchen, have sex when I had to say a million times that I was trying to catch the rest of a to program I wanted to watch (secret life of 4 yr olds. I love it!) He kept bloody forgetting and repeating himself and I just blew up .
I came home to a sparkly clean kitchen so I think he's trying to make up for it. It's not enough though. Asking him for money is another big anxiety trigger because it will always involve a debate I'll somehow lose.

Yeah, mine is worse as a result of CSM! Take heed of that I guess is what I would say!

He sounds like a prize! . I'm still making my way through your first threads.

It is partly why I was so pleased to go to the spa. Obviously I make myself do everything I don't want to with the DC but when not with the DC I hide. I'll often not go out the whole time. I didn't have the DC yesterday and I went out and did something selfish and nice. Success!

I hope this thread is helping you, Red. I will be honest and say I wouldn't want to have play dates at a house that stank of weed, especially if your DH was around (because people who smoke weed regularly aren't people I want to spend time with), so I'm not surprised that your friends have stopped visiting.

Way back on the thread, another poster described how she felt your DD would be viewed by teachers and other pupils and their parents once she's at school. It was a couple of pages past Maybe's description of your Sunday. It struck a chord with me, for different reasons (lack of money due to drinking while I was a child), and I wondered if you'd seen it?

Actually it might have been on your AIBU thread, not this one.

I'm so jealous offred. Good for you, doing something just for you.

We've (me and dd) lots of good friends but they slowly stopped coming round and would instead say lets meet at the cafe, that's literally opposite our block . I haven't lost any friend though.

I've made an effort to read every single post but will go back to find that one.

X post. I remember the one you mean. It honestly upset me a lot and I didn't want to continue that thread. I did read it all though. The idea of dd not having friends or being judged at such a young age was horrible.

I'd take you if you could make it to Merseyside!

Yes, I can see why a debate about why he should do you the favour of giving you extra money would make you extremely anxious.

How about a different approach? TELL him to fucking well pay up what he owes you because you are so fucking pissed off with him dodging paying his half of the utilities.

Remember how you felt when you had a go at him after Al-anon? That wasn't a debate. You didn't engage with his nonsense did you? You just let him have it both barrels.

Maybe if you can work yourself up into that kind of fury first then you can explode appropriately at him and not get drawn into a debate.

You need the money he owes you. You are having panics about arranging payment plans because he hasn't paid you his half for months and months!

I should think it will be easy to find your inner banshee.

I haven't rtft but want to say that I have a lot of experience of people smoking weed and it is such a damaging drug. It is seen as harmless ..it is not. It is addictive and leaches the life and energy out of people. It is life ruining.

Your partner needs to stop smoking and he will need a lot of help to do it. He is depressed because of the weed. He is off his head on weed constantly and hiding from his parenting responsibilities in drug use.

The kindest thing you can do for him is put down boundaries. let him know he has to acknowledge his problem and seek help or else he has to leave.

Please try abd look at few year into the future. WOULD uou want your daughter marrying into a relationship like this?

Great, I'll be up on the next train!!

Good idea rabbit I'm too much of a pushover. Even my work colleagues always tell me how calm and reserved I am but really it's just a fear of getting into arguments and eventually turning all the anger in on myself.

Hello red - I've lurked on Mumsnet for ages: reading your thread from the beginning and feeling increasingly worried for DD's safety has been the incentive to join.
I work in child safeguarding: DP's dangerous behaviour and your inability to leave, taking your daughter with you it is likely to have harmed your daughter already. You have control over what happens to DD, and yourself.
Please leave and have no more contact with him, or allow him contact with her, until he is able to keep her and himself safe.
Contact Women's Aid and ask for their help - explain the horrible, dangerous times you and DD have endured and now have to escape. Use your Al-anon group for support. Please screw up all your courage and make a move - now.
You are running a high risk of DD being subject to a referral to Children's Services for neglect.. The safeguarding teams have a legal duty to safeguard all children in their area who are referred to them. You may find their investigation intrusive and that you do not agree with their proposed actions.
Please act yourself first: DP isn't going to change any time soon, so don't waste anymore effort or time waiting for him to do so.
Gather all the support available to you. Make agencies realise the urgency of you and DD getting out of this toxic situation. Take control of your young child's life now, or you run a very real risk of the State deciding that they have to.
I believe you can do this: pick up your child and fly!

Can I just say that a SW will likely be your friend if you are able to make it clear to them that you understand exactly how bad DH is and want him gone. They could help you with applying for benefits, tell him to leave etc

They'd only be at things like your description of 'lovely day' etc

If you are scared of speaking to him about it and properly laying down boundaries re the drugs and drink you could even call them yourself. They will make you stick to it though. He'll probably be told to leave the family home and potentially supported re the right places to go to get the help he needs (if he will take it) depending on how your SS are.

My son has a neighbour about 5 houses down. With the wind in the right direction the smell is abominable. Walking past the house it's clear what happens inside.

If you live in a flat I will guarantee that others can smell it. And if nursery have suspicions they will report.

Who is more important? Your DD or your partner?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! Do you know how much I hate being seen as that family? I'm not a snob but I'm hyper aware of all the others in our block seeing dh out there smoking pot from whenever o'clock with a can of Polish lager in his hand. It makes me so embarrassed when I'm getting the post or putting out the bins and I over compensate by being cheery mum who talks to random people in our massive block (my eldest sisters village has less inhabitants, my mum looked it up!) about what fun wholesome activities we are doing today. I'm so aware of how it looks and smells

And once again, obviously dd is far, far more important to me than dh.

Obviously? Ok.

I know it's hard Red but your choice is becoming ever clearer. This isn't you, that's obvious, you've allowed him to turn you into something you're not and there's only one way to change it now. If he wants to change he can, he can follow you into a new life where you're not 'that family' but initially you have to propel yourself and DD out of it and leave him to make his own decision. It really does come down to you and DD or his addiction, it has to because, as things stand, he's dragging you down and you and that little girl deserve better. I can feel your anguish, your reluctance to give up on him but I'm starting to feel your anger too and that's a good thing. It's the thing that might save you all if he makes the right decision and follows your lead but you have to make the first move and be prepared to start building that new life for you and DD, whether he follows or not.

Neighbours smoking weed is exceptionally antisocial in flats. I've had weed smoking neighbours and I told our landlord. He didn't renew their contract as it pissed him right off. Also my friend recently reported her neighbours to the council and the police and then had to move because they were nasty to her over it, and she was worried about her kids.
When my neighbours did it I was concerned about the 'types of people' they associated with and who would be round their house. I just don't want to expose my kids to it in their own home. How do I know they weren't dealing it?

I am trying so hard to maintain the anger hiding. I've no trouble finding it. Eg I got this pro mo free mr maker kit online and it arrived yesterday. I made two 'mini beasts' from the pack with her which she loved. She's a proper tomboy so this was right up her street. The kit had two more to make which I suggested they did as an afternoon activity except I come back to the bloody bits across the table and the glue dots stuck to said table. He'd obviously put this parent/child activity in front of her and fucked off outside expecting presumably to come back to a butterfly and bee fully made . That makes me angry! Sorry that rant won't make much sense if you don't have a toddler!

How often is he alone with her?

I think it is problematic if after leaving her with him to go to al-anon and coming back to what you did you have left her in his care again...

But then I get that maybe you haven't fully got to the place where you realise he is a danger because he can't be sober.

You've got to get there.

He can't be in charge of her. Not doing the mini beasts because he went outside to smoke is not the problem. It is that he is stoned so under the influence and outside so not supervising her.