My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

He doesn't seem to take you seriously. He doesn't think he needs help. You just poured your heart out and told him how bad an effect he has on you. He promised change. You need dramatic change. Any sign of any change at all? I mean actual actions not words or promises.

If he doesn't see change as urgent even after your last big talk, then this is absolutely the right moment to leave for a while, giving an ultimatum about conditions for your return.

I'd go with "we are leaving, if you get help and stick with it then we will want come back."

He needs to feel that you are serious. He needs to feel what it is like to wash his own pants and have nobody to talk to at home. He needs to feel sad that you've gone. You need a break.

I rather suspect that if you stay, he will pay lip service to getting help and pulling his weight, while being awfully dramatic and gold medal demanding about the tiny bit he does do. While waiting for you to snap out of your mood.

After all, he knows you find it hard to stay pissed off with him and you usually go back to normal with him even without an apology or any change whatsoever from him. All he has to do is wait and look pathetic. That is what works normally. Why would he believe any different this time? Why would you believe any different this time?

When you live with someone you love whose behaviour has gradually grown to be utterly awful, then you might fool yourself into clinging onto them for dear life.

Codependent people are brilliant at finding a new way to say, no I won't leave today.

I will give him a chance because of . I will leave when he crosses an even worse line than he already has. I will leave when he has somewhere to go. I will leave when I have saved up loads despite him spunking away all the money.

There is always a new hurdle and a new chance you can create to justify to yourself your choice to stay. But when he gives a token effort only or for a few days only, or even refuses to engage at all, then you don't treat it as a fail.

Your line in the sand is a mirage, it is a sop to yourself.

The realisation that you are fooling yourself because of your own issues can be liberating. I went through it with my parents.

How's it going red? How's he doing with the being more supportive? Are you still going to Al-Anon tonight?

Ok thanks. He's cooking tonight and making an effort to leave work early to give me a break from dd.

Still planning on alanon. We eat late so can do both!

He got back early, had a beer and a joint but has done the shopping, is cooking tonight and has taken dd out so I can mumsnet rest. He also told me I look nice and wants to dtd later . He genuinely seemed quite upbeat.

Thats nice.

Still going to Al-Anon?

Um, wait, I just re-read, he had a beer and a joint and then he took DD out, like as in sole care of her? Any discussion of why that might be a bad idea first?

I went on safeguarding children update training today for work and this subject did come up.

To meet the threshold for a safeguarding issue there would need to be a risk that the child could be exposed to harm.
Children who grow up in households with mental health, drug and alcohol issues and in poverty are at a vastly significantly increased risk of harm either physical harm, neglect or emotional harm. Neglect is not just not washing them or feeding them, neglect can be shown by children being cared for and left in the care of an adult who is unwell or inebriated and children are made subjects of care plans for this reason alone in some cases.

Self neglect is also now a recognised as form of abuse, for adults and children. Your DP appears to meet many of the criteria for self neglect.

I do hope you are at Al-Anon red

It's so sad that you and DD weren't a solace to him, he had to have a beer and a joint before he could be nice with you, then he actually thought it was OK to take 3yo DD out, like having taken drugs doesn't make that an absolute no no. Were you sober when you agreed to that?

Alanons later. I fell asleep.

I do know it's not ideal by any stretch and this probably won't change your opinion but it was one beer and one joint. If it had been more or he looked unsafe then no way would I have let them go.

Yes user he does meet those criteria sadly.

No, it won't change my opinion.

The whole point of using alcohol and drugs is that they change how you think and behave.

If they had no effect worth mentioning then he wouldn't have taken them. He could have chosen to delay using until he wasn't in sole charge of a toddler. He chose to use.

You might benefit from asking yourself "How would I explain this to social services?" One day soon you might have to.

I realise you were exhausted and you were glad he was engaging. All in a backdrop of having completely normalised daily drug use. I expect he would have been outraged if you had suggested that beer, joint, toddler-care isn't generally seen as good parenting. I can see why you didn't stop something so obviously wrong to people who don't live with an addict. Still, you were the one who was sober, his judgement was impaired (the whole point of him using). A child protection person would be worried about your ability to make decisions that are in the best interests of your child. Sorry.

Good luck at Al-Anon. I really hope it helps.

Do you see that this was a bad evening not a nice evening? Do you see that most people would be livid if their evening was like this?

Do you actually want to DTD later? I'd be repulsed. I'd also feel sad that he couldn't have sex with me sober.

I'd feel furious that he was planning to take DD out but decided to have a beer and a joint first. FFS. That's a hell of an addiction. Shows where his priorities lie. That's why I'd be furious.

I hope that Al Anon helps you to move forward in establishing better boundaries. Currently you are almost micromanaging his intake? Or does he self regulate his own intake for DD? Who decides what is too much or what limit is ok? Him or you?

I don't want to see you being held culpable for making a poor decision of leaving DD with him when he is making poor decisions, as I think equal blame could fall to you

I hope you find Al-Anon helpful, red.

It was helpful but I didn't expect to be told I was to blame as well. They gave me a welcome pack I'll read through later. Almost everyone was female and older than me but they were all lovely.

Earlier I have to admit I was really selfish. The chance for some timeout was too tantalising to resist and as he wasn't visibly affected by his intake I felt like I could justify it.

He doesn't self regulate. He's fucked now and I feel really bad for leaving (sleeping) dd with him. Apparently there was a wine tasting at work before he left x100
I honestly couldn't tell he'd had a drink before he came home and only questioned him when he seemed to be dropping every bloody thing whilst cooking and now pretending to demand sex. No way tonight. Him pretending to be sexually aggressive isn't exactly a turn on. It's just a stupid thing he does when I turn him down. Irritating but harmless. Once again I'm pissed off. My emotions seem to go in waves.

Feeling bad isn't the intention, but seeing the risks is what you need to face

He isn't self regulating which is concerning and I am even more concerned that he cannot see the risks or care about them. None of us want to see you facing a child protection professional to explain why you left your small child with an inebriated man knowningly, because that does make you equally responsible.

You know the risks, but still take them. It's not selfish to want time to yourself but the other parent has to be in a fit state, sleeping or not sleeping the biggest risk is a house fire or an accident and slow reactions from your DP. As in, how would little DD help him if he fell down the stairs and knocked himself out? She would be all alone.

If he cannot seek regulate I cannot urge you enough to seek urgent help. You cannot regulate him because he will just lie to you, as shown here all night.

Oh red stripe. You seem so self aware. Eg needing some time for yourself. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
BTW when people drink or smoke a lot they often don't seem off their faces. They have built up a tolerance. (Not a good thing). Not managed to control their use of these substances.

What a knobend...

What's all this 'pretending' to be sexually aggressive about? That is deeply worrying...

How do you know it is pretending?

He has lied to me and it hurts. I mean he didn't exactly lie but only when he was falling about the kitchen and I asked him how he got so fucked in a short space of time did he admit to drinking the wine tasting at work.

The very last thing I want is for dd to be put in danger and after that to be picked up by social services. I need to act. I know this. I'm feeling very calm and zen after alanon. It took any drama out of the situation and just leaves the plain, sad, bare facts which arnt really nice to look at.

He's lied by omission on a very important point. If you were leaving dd with a babysitter who neglected to mention they were already drunk when they turned up then drank more and attempted to cook you'd go mental.

Was he expecting sex as a reward for cooking and taking DD out?

I know. I literally don't know what to say because I know you know all of this and I don't want to keep banging on.

What now?
What is your gut instinct telling you to do? What's your head telling you?

Until it's embarrassingly obvious he's very good at hiding it especially if he's been only on pot.
I know he's not being serious with the sex stuff because he thinks he's being funny and sexy. It's neither.

ranbit yes probably. Also I sort of implied I was on for it earlier and then his behaviour made me change my mind.