My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Or better yet told him what it looks like for you...

I told him I need to be more supported as it's the very first time in my life I've had MH problems (anxiety).
I said the brunt of me having to manage the home and being financially stable was crushing me and he had to start doing more.

I haven't asked him what this looks like. I'd hope it would be more sharing of responcibilitys like contacting the landlord, making sure bills were paid as well as the emotional stuff.

Have you got a mental time limit for change from him?

I've reread all of the OP's posts, here and on the park thread, and quite honestly the whole thing is ludicrous. Hundreds of wasted replies from concerned posters.

Round and round and round we go.

It is interesting which things he prioritises (other than drink and weed). For example you wrote

He just comes home from work all moody and sounding off about stuff and then he goes outside and chills out a bit.

He just likes skunk I think. It really zones him out.

I really don't think he'll lose his job. He's committed to it and very skilled at it.

What I hear is:

He comes home from work. He isn't happy to see us and is all moody. He doesn't ask about my day or how I am, he doesn't notice if I am struggling. He just sounds off about his own day then he goes outside to start smoking skunk. He likes skunk, it really helps him to zone out when he has to be near us. He doesn't need skunk at work. He wouldn't want to lose his job. He's committed to it and very skilled at it.

When I pressured him to come to the children's playground with me and DD, he knew it would be hard to stay zoned out and stay detached from us so he planned ahead and brought beer and skunk to the playground. It worked well for him, he didn't interact at all and stayed completed zoned out from us. He was pleased with this and rewarded me by cooking later, which was nice because normally he zones out of meal preparation and other aspects of home life.

This is painting him in a bad light. I feel bad. He's OK really. He can tolerate being near us well enough to eat what I've prepared, most days. Of course he has to take something to relax first because being near us is so horrible for him. That's not his fault, he's had a bad year so has found it really difficult to pretend he likes us and prefers to zone out away from us. We are a such a drain to him, not a comfort at all, he has to work so hard to keep us zoned out of his life. Poor him.

No, what would you suggest given your current experience. Have you got a time limit?

I understand why you might think that fishes but for me it's not a simple "ah so this is what I've got to do". I feel as though I'm making progress. As I said before, my tolerance levels are shifting and I don't want to wait for him to get better (in every sense) indefinitely. You don't have to post here if you feel you're wasting your time.

I had one and we are past it and I no longer love him.

I'm in a position where I am trying to carefully become uninteresting to him (grey rock) because on past experience he does not accept me ending things.

I would add that I don't live with him or have any children with him and my children haven't been around him at all for 5 months.

Having the time limit did help, just in my brain, with this crap women always seem to do - worrying about 'being fair' and 'giving chances'.

Like on Friday. I was screaming at him to leave, repeatedly. He just said 'no' and got in bed with me and started crying.

It is not easy. I do understand and I also understand everyone's frustration with you (and me) not 'just leaving'.

Being in the right headspace and extracting myself carefully with kindness to myself is important to me rightly or wrongly.

rabbit he does love us and loves us being around. So much so that he gets sad if we're away just for a night or two. He doesn't hate being round us and always tries to get me to sit with him outside in the evening (too cold now) to chat and watch silly stuff on the Internet. I do accept the other points in your post though.

offred that sounds horrible. Poor you. I also understand people's frustrations. It seems so black and white written down but life never is that simple.

and always tries to get me to sit with him outside in the evening so he can keep smoking

I'm aware I think that things are that simple really, it's just that it is taking effort and time for me to actually be able to act on it.

My line is always the children. If he had done any of the things he has done in private in front of my children I would not have any problem so I know it is just in my head. Just my head that is stopping me and worries about how the children will be involved by him if I am not careful about this.

Oh red you have a strange idea of how people show that they like you.

It will be interesting to see how much effort he puts into life now he understands you are suffering as a direct consequence of his behaviour.

I wonder if tonight he will spontaneously ask about your day and keep his attention on you and just do the assorted jobs that you normally do while he smokes. How long before he feels so stressed that he has to light up? What if you asked him to wait until later, stay in the moment with you and DD instead of zoning out?

What if you asked him, all eagerly and expectantly, what he has decided to do differently, what has he thought about since your talk? Wait. Listen. Don't jump in. Listen.

Is there anything concrete, verifiable and immediate?

Or is it "jam tomorrow", "pity me", "are you still on about this, you are such an uptight nag?" "I love you" (played like a joker or trump card to counter your unhappiness or crossness), "I need you" (without reference to what you need), or will he run away to a smoke.

You say he gets 'sad' if you two are away just for a night or two. How do you know this, does he make sure and tell you. Probably hoping you won't do it again possibly. Because no-one wants to add to someone else's sadness do they.
So he doesn't say 'oh you are going to stay with your friend/your Mum/sister - good for you, that'll be great you and DD will really enjoy that won't you!'

OP, you're asking an addict to support you emotionally. It's not going to happen. He is unable to, even if he says he wants to. He has no support to give you, because absolutely everything plays second fiddle to his "essentials" - which are drugs and drink.

He won't be able to be a real partner, your equal, until he gets rid of his addiction. Meanwhile, you are dealing with a rather nasty child.

You wrote And when he is moody I'm making an effort to seem disengaged and unaffected by it when actually it really hurts and all I want to do is clear the atmosphere. I'm incapable of staying pissed off!

What does he do to clear the atmosphere?

How does he apologise and make it right?

That's what I mean when I've said he's selfish. He sometimes can't see beyond his own wants. As in, he wants to be able to smoke and spend time with me so asks me to come outside when I'd rather slob out on the sofa, he'll only see himself as bored and alone if we go away for a few days, not that dd will love being in the country with her relatives and I'll love seeing friends or family. He just doesn't see it sometimes. When he is being considerate it's the loveliest warm feeling in the world.

He doesn't clear the air and only apologises if he's backed into a corner or made me cry. That sounds pretty shot written down. It's not that he's not sorry. More that he's too proud to admit he's at fault.

Too much pride is a selfish thing too, too much ego.......why is he the little Prince allowed to put his pride first, everyone else has to park their pride in order to get on with life.

He's behaving like a child.

I think you are confusing being proud with being a self-important cockwomble.

How much time does he spend with you when he is stone cold sober, you know, a few hours since any drink or drugs?

Yes, I expect it must feel wonderful when he behaves considerately, like most men do all the time. You must be so thirsty for kindness, consideration and affection, given how rare it seems to be in your relationship. I bet it is quite a rush, like a high, when you get given a little sip of consideration.

I can count 6 definite acts of consideration, kindness and affection from my DH today and we've seen each other for less than an hour. I am not counting execution of normal household tasks or childcare in those acts. How many have you had this week?

Hello RedStripe I've been following this thread and admire how you've engaged with the posters, sometimes when the advice has been quite tough.

I don't know who - but someone suggested you taking your little one and just going to a family member for a weekend. Give yourself a break. And another poster asked you to push him to come up with some solid ideas about how he's going to seek help (not just 'I'll think about going to the doctors but him making an appointment for example) Make it clear that you want to discuss this when you get back.

Do you ever ask him to do stuff like shopping or cleaning when you're away?

Then off you go and switch off your phone. Have some quality time with family and with your little girl. When you come back - if he's done nothing but chill out and smoke then you have your answer surely?

My dad is an alcoholic. My mother spent years enabling him, cleaning up after him, denying that he was an alcoholic, 'he just likes a drink'. Even before we could articulate it - we knew there was something wrong. Couldn't bring friends home in case dad was soupily drunk or hungover and bad tempered. During my A levels dad got me out of bed to pick him up in the car with his drunk friends because he was too tight to get a cab. I finally cut all ties when dad took my son somewhere in the car when he had been drinking. Dad's addiction has done so much harm.

Not the same for you no - but until your DH is ready to face it - the addiction always comes first. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Hugs xx

How much time does he spend with you when he is stone cold sober, you know, a few hours since any drink or drugs

I'm actually really surprised how hard that was to answer. If he's working a pm shift he will spend time with us no drink/drugs for the time between him waking up mid morning till going off to work. However, much of that time will be spent with him outside smoking cigarettes. If we both have holiday then we spend full days together without him having anything till the late afternoon. When he was in hospital he went without. Not really much time admittedly.

He used to be very considerate years ago and do the most amazing things for me. Now he can't even be arsed to buy me a birthday or anniversary card or help dd to make one .

Thankyou ninja and I'm sorry you had that experience growing up. I get that same sense of embarrassment and sometimes shame when he's had too much around other people too.
I think saying get help or we are leaving is my only option sadly. No I've got to summon the guts to do that. Alon on is tomorrow night.

Getting help is your first step. Try that first before the leaving option as I know that isn't what you want and you Are not ready for that

Yeah, it's kind of a ducks in a row thing.

You see al-anon to get your head straight, you find out what life would be like without him - financially, housing, divorce etc just so you have the facts etc.

Then you move with the 'stop this and get help or I am done'.