My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

No, he's convinced theres a big tip conspiracy and that the managers and funnelling the tips off somewhere else

I might call my friend (his manager) and see what's going on at work.

I'm edging towards getting more and more fed up. My behaviour is changing too.

I'm dropping now so will call it a night. Sleep well!

Now he's paranoid.

Pretty much inevitable with such heavy cannabis use.

I wonder what else he is getting paranoid about? I wonder if he has started ranting at work due to the paranoia yet.

I don't know what he has told you about skunk but it's not normal weed. It's the one that can cause delusions and psychosis.

Oh dear. I was hoping for better news from your weekend, red. Glad you spoke to the HV though.

Don't count on your H keeping his job. From what you've said it's clear it's in jeopardy - and if his paranoia starts manifesting more clearly at work, that could be the push they need to cut him loose. Do you have a plan for what you'd do if he lost his job?

Also, I can understand why you'd do it, but I wouldn't call his manager. That's just more of you mothering him, enabling him, taking care of his business.

Also, that ADHD business is such incredible bullshit I can smell it from here. Do you know what ADHD is treated with? Stimulants. Not weed, for the love of God. It also doesn't involve not being able to sleep, typically. It's 100% convenient excuse meant to get you to shut up and back off.

I am worried for you, red. I don't think you can take the strain you are taking much longer, and if your health gives up, then what?

Posting more now that I've thought more.

Do you have any control over the finances, red? Do you have a separate bank account that he can't access? I am concerned that he will lose his job and step up his smoking and drinking, now that he has nothing to keep sober for, and you will be left with even less.

If you don't have your own account, I would open one ASAP, and start putting as much money as you can aside in it.

I am not trying to scare you. It's clear that his workplace is concerned about his behaviour and performance, and the effect of his losing his job is highly likely to be more smoking and drinking AND less money.

Do you have an Al-Anon group near you you could seek support from?

I do feel sorry for you Red. It's clear you are trying to stand up to him and it's also clear he is a brick wall.

He is impossible.

In 10 years time he'll be exactly the same, if not worse. Grim.

You would be better off on benefits.

I do have some sympathy for your DH if he has undiagnosed ADAD or at least clearly believed he is not NT.
I have read recently how common it is for people who are ADHD and dyslexic to self medicate with cannabis to "normalise " their feelings.

That said this situation is totally unacceptable to you and your DD now and especially long term.
Again I understand your logic that your DD appears happy and totally unaffected by the recent argument but in contrast if my DD witnessed DH irrationally shouting at me I would envisage her to be extremely defensive vocally and possibly tearful and she is 17 friends her age have cried due to parental rows because they are just not the norm.
Following your thread is like watching you emerge from a fog. I wish you luck doing what you have to do.

When I was about 20 I smoked a lot of weed (just the normal strength). I had done since about 16. Then I started to get depressed about stuff in general (with good reason). Unfortunaely I can see now that the canabis made the situation worse. Worse becasue my problems were masked by a few hours of 'self medication' - makes you nice and numb - and worse because there was no impetuous to sort stuff out - nice and numb you see. Eventually I did stop and sorted things out but it was incredibly difficult and if I have a child I doubt I'd have been able to do it becasue it took all my attention and will power. This is where I make a potentially unreasonable and rash suggestion: separate and concentrate on you and your child. This would be immediately best for you and eventually (hopefully) for him as well. But don't take him back when he cries. He's being very selfish at the moment so you have to put no1 first too.

He doesn't seem all that paranoid when he talks about it. More that he would sue the company (for what exactly!?!) if he got to the bottom of where his tips are going.

I know about skunk. The fact he has to get it from a proper dealer rather than the pot he buys from his mate at the pub is concerning. He also gets into arguments with this street dealer if he thinks he's being short changed which makes me worry for his safety.

I really don't think he'll lose his job. He's committed to it and very skilled at it.

ADHD is something I know nothing about. I just took what he said at face value.

We already have separate bank accounts and always have because I didn't want him monitoring my spending when I used to have money to buy bits and bobs.

You said your behaviour has changed. What's that like for you?

Exhausting! I'm not letting things I disagree with slide for an easier life so he's been a bit more moody. And when he is moody I'm making an effort to seem disengaged and unaffected by it when actually it really hurts and all I want to do is clear the atmosphere. I'm incapable of staying pissed off!

It may be exhausting but it's more authentic. You have a right to be, and act, pissed off.

You have a right not to be made to feel like the bad guy when he's the one causing such problems. The fact that he doesn't see it as a problem doesn't mean it's not a problem for you.

And if he was your best friend, he'd be listening to how upset you are. He would care about your obvious distress. That's what best friends do. It's two way traffic. You do everything to help him out, to protect him, to prevent him being upset.

Hes a shit friend to you.

And if he was your best friend, he'd be listening to how upset you are. He would care about your obvious distress. That's what best friends do. It's two way traffic. You do everything to help him out, to protect him, to prevent him being upset.

That was pretty much the exact thing I was saying during an argument. I was asking him why as he, the person who's meant to love me the most was the last person to see how worn down and unhappy I've been. My family are trying to organise for us to come home so I can rest as well as him, my friends want to organise a spa day for me and work have recommended I take time off but he apparently didn't notice I've been struggling.

Oh, he noticed all right. He just doesn't care. He thinks it's your role, mummying him and taking care of everything (including your daughter) just that he can zone out.

And he's going to lose his job, sooner or later.

I really don't think he'll lose his job. He's committed to it and very skilled at it.

Maybe you are right, but I'm sorry, I wouldn't count on it. It won't matter how committed he is if they decide to sack him, and he is an addict who is manifesting addictive and paranoid behaviour which already concerns his manager and will gradually undermine that skill.

Just suggesting you be prepared. Your comment about his manager calling you is a red flag, IMO.

Why would he notice?

He has cast you, and you have accepted being cast, in the mother role.

Children rarely notice if their parents are getting run down looking after them. They don't have responsibility to notice. They just get on with doing what they want and enjoying it.

That's what he is doing. He doesn't notice because he doesn't care. Caring would mean he would have to stop being a child that gets to do what he wants all the time.

You have been approaching this whole thing as 'I am supporting my partner through a tough time' he is just thinking 'where can I get my next drink/smoke from... God red is such a killjoy' like a teenage boy...

And what did he say when you pointed that out?

It was part of a series of calls to see how he was when he was admitted to hospital last year and then for surgery before the summer. Every time it would start as a friendly "how's he getting on" but then would turn to "he's not helping himself by drinking and smoking so much". It wasn't a call purely to air his concerns.

Sorry that was to saranova

If you want him to have a chance of noticing and caring you need to start treating him like an adult partner - having expectations of him that he will behave like an adult partner.

Elspeth he apologised profusely and said he'll start taking care of me more as I do him.

I don't believe him Red, do you?

I'm finding myself wondering about your username, red. What's your own relationship with alcohol that you choose to name yourself after a can of beer?

I haven't seen any changes yet.

I like red stripe lager.

he apologised profusely and said he'll start taking care of me more as I do him.

Have you asked him what this actually looks like?

How he plans to do that? What he thinks he needs to change in order for you to feel less taken advantage of?