My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

RedStripe, you said somewhere (can't find the post now) that he functions OK at work, it's just at home that he sleeps in any free time he has, and spends your daughter's bed time (and any other time that should be "family time") outside smoking weed or skunk, and drinking. This means that he is choosing to treat his own wife and daughter badly, because he is holding his own at work. There's no way he is ever going to change while you keep enabling him. After all, what's in it for him? Right now, he has your sympathy, your support, your dealing with the boring-but-necessary parts of daily life like getting him clean clothes... really, he has a slave waiting on him hand and foot, so why on earth would he change?

Also, how do you know he's spending £70/wk on weed? Is that what he tells you, or do you see withdrawals from his bank account etc? Because if it's just what he tells you, then it's likely to be a whole lot more.

Having read the whole of this thread (well, not every comment but certainly all of yours) I can see that you have come a huge way since you started it, and are seeing the situation in a whole new way, but it's still strange and very difficult for you to see it like that. You need further help with this so please do avail yourself of resources like Al-Anon, Families Anonymous and the Freedom Programme as mentioned by PP. Keep at it and you'll get to a better situation, either with or without him.

Sure, many of us have days - or many of them - when we have a drink, cigarette, overeat or whatever.

But your DP, rather than manage his feelings and issues, consistently takes illegal drugs and drinks every single day. To the detriment of his family's health and security. He doesn't see this and would get very angry with you for pointing it out.

You still sound wrapped up in wanting to understand and somehow help him, and not on improving things for you and DD.

Is it just me, but this thread feels like the op is being bullied into leaving her husband, who it appears she loves and he is going through a bad time. She's been forced repeatedly to say why she won't leave him, she should not have to do that, not even once.

There is other options, that don't involve splitting up families that may have a strong future together.

What's the answer, I don't know, but talking, properly talking is part of it. I am concerned she's being cajoled into something she doesn't want to do.

Don't worry Bluntness she hasn't a notion of ending it.

My hope is that she scares him enough so that he gets help to quit.

I think TBH she is scared to face up to the magnitude of the problem. To face up to the fact that her view of their family is rose tinted and the reality is her child is growing up mimicking her father being aggressive and sweary, stinking of drugs, without basic necessities (unless they receive charity) because her father smokes and drinks away all their money (he drinks every day and also smokes tobacco the £70 is just on weed), a father who is severely addicted with no plans to give it up ever and who only does arty things with her because he likes them and cannot play with her or spend time with her without being off his face, oh and who also claims not to be able to do any proper parentI feel because he needs to smoke because he is so sad.

She is living with a man who makes her walk on eggshells, who is working her physically and emotionally into the ground just to support his addiction, who relies on her for his basic necessities, who shouts at her and gaslights her and who doesn't contribute physically or emotionally to either her or their child unless he wants to.

The trouble is these are the problems that exist now. An addict living with a codependent only gets worse.

From the other thread it is clear (and sad to me) that many many people will just look the other way whilst judging the op, h and dc and do nothing to help so they may go unreported and therefore unsupported for a long time.

The issue is that if this does not stop these problems - copying dad's aggressive sweary behaviour and growing up around substance abuse (and in poverty) will completely and utterly ruin this little girls life.

Bluntness I think the last few pages have been clearly trying to keep OP and her DD safe and well, not instantly instigating her leaving her DP who is drug and alcohol dependent, although given the set of circumstances and OP's clear sadness and unhappiness, that seems the safer but harder option.
No one is bullying her to do anything she doesn't want to but giving her options and insight into her situation. IMO she's trapped in something that scares her and she doesn't know what to do for the best. If we can help OP in even a small way then that is the best we can do. Most of us want to see her having a better life for herself and her DD. We also can see exactly why she isn't leaving him but by her own admission her thinking on this is quite flawed and skewed and she is even getting help with this too to see more clearly.
She keeps coming back which suggests we are helping

I don't want to let him fall. Surely he needs love and support rather than me just giving up on him. We've had such a tough year. I couldn't pile yet more misery on top of that.

OP - I wish I could give you a hug. You are so like me - so scared of change, doubting yourself, not being able to objectively judge what's OK and what's not. And carrying all of this on your shoulders and having to step up to do the job of two parents when one isn't functioning is utterly draining and exhausting, physically and - even more so - mentally.

My situation is different to yours, but I see similarities. I think my DH is depressed - over this last year or two we've gone from a solid, functional 20-year relationship to a shadow of that. DH has been snappy, cold and uncommunicative with me, irritable and disengaged with the kids. It's taken a full year (including a series of counselling sessions for me) to see how bad things have got. I mentally checked out of the marriage and started to emotionally disengage from our house (which I love) as I knew we'd have to sell if we split up.

I was constantly clinging to hope - the days things were better, when he had fun with the kids and we laughed - often this happened for a little while after a huge row and resolution. But the bad times outnumbered the good, and I finally hit the point where I was ready to leave. Partly for me, because I was exhausted and walking on eggshells, and partly for the kids, because I didn't want them to suffer his moods and think his disengaged parenting was normal and OK. It was when I realised I was dreading the weekends when he was around that I hit crisis point.

I realised that however much I loved him and wanted to help him, if he wouldn't help himself then I'd have to prioritise myself and the kids. So I told him that, and said if he would get himself help I'd be behind him every step of the way. That I understood he felt like he was constantly on the edge of an abyss, that he was terrified, but that the rest of us deserved better - so it was a choice of get help and change, or leave. He chose to get help.

We're only at the beginning of a long road but things are already so, so much better. His relationship with the children is beginning to be repaired and we're connecting again.

Sometimes I feel horrified I nearly cast him adrift on his own, as I think he'd have fallen apart - but in the end the needs of the DC (and me) had to come first. I would've walked away - and I still will if things get worse again - rather than allow him to take us down with him. There's only so long you can prop someone else up who won't accept help.

PS I also wanted to say - you're clearly making massive progress in your own thought processes and it's clear you're self-aware and trying hard to be objective. That will take you a long way - do try to also look after yourself a bit too, as your own mental health is important too.

Ok looking but the op's h is not depressed per se.

He is an addict. You can't give addicts those kinds of ultimatums or stick around while they help themselves get out of the hole.

They have to want to do it for themselves and be away from you to get into recovery.

Offred Absolutely true - I wasn't saying our DHs have the same problem, I guess what I was trying to say, using my own experience as an example, was that at some point the OP needs to prioritise the happiness and wellbeing of herself and her DD over supporting her DH - and if that involves walking away, perhaps she needs to consider that - at that point, it's his choice what he does next.

I'm probably not being terribly clear about it though - not enough sleep!

I know, I'm just conscious that the op is still thinking her h might not be an addict and that he is just self medicating and that she can support him through the process of getting better.

Thanks for those who responded. I'm just conscious that sometimes people go through bad phases and the answer isn't always to simply walk away.

Fair enough. I know how easy it can be to slip backwards into denial when you just desperately want to believe your situation isn't as bad as it really is.

I agree with Offred, I've said from the outset that Red needs to show her DH the consequences of his drug and alcohol use by leaving, at least temporarily, because until he feels the effects and the loss of the family and life he currently has his addiction will always take precedence.

I don't think I'm being too harsh by saying that, or that I'm bullying or cajoling the OP, I speak from experience of my own addiction and the fact that I felt no incentive to change until my life imploded and I almost lost everything.

Depression is an entirely different beast to addiction and you can't apply the same strategies. It's not a case of simply making Red's DH seek help, he needs to see that continuing to drink and use drugs will result in him losing his family but he won't confront that unless he's forced to and all the talking and threats in the world won't get through to him because his addiction will always shout louder until the reality of them being gone is in front of him.

OP is making huge progress in her thought processes and understanding of her situation but she can't continue down the path of putting him first and worrying about the possibility that he will fall apart because, in effect, he needs to fall apart, to feel he's lost everything in order to be able to face up to his addiction. Approaching her situation in the same way as someone supporting a partner with depression simply won't work, he either needs to want to get clean for himself or she needs to show him the life he will have (without her and DD) if he continues in the hope that will wake him up, talking and threats are not enough.

Yes the OP is getting some harsh replies and they are hard to read, for her and for the kind and empathetic readers of this thread but they are necessary. OP and her DD deserve better than her DH can offer them while he's still an addict and brutal honesty is the best way to get that across, the softly softly approach is just not going to cut it, either from us towards Red or from her towards her DH.

I think also addiction is a lifelong thing. It is not like depression.

He may never have a period of recovery at all even if the OP leaves him. He may simply drink and smoke himself to death - like he risked doing this week.

He may cycle through periods of recovery and falling off the wagon again.

He might recover and stay recovered.

But he will always be an addict.

Red - I really think this is where you would really benefit from some support from al-anon.

Absolutely it's lifelong, I've proved that to myself in the last few days. 3 years clean with barely a flicker of a craving then had a couple of things happen to put me under pressure recently and last night it all got too much and I almost slipped.

And yes, things could go in a number of directions for OP's DH which is why she needs to be fully committed to a way forward for her and DD irrespective of what he does. Paint a picture in your mind Red of what you want life to be like for you and DD and then work towards it. If DH pulls things round and wants to join you that's great, but if he doesn't you're on the right path and you just have to keep going. I second getting some support from Al Anon, it could be really useful at this point OP.

I think we have been negative about the Dp, because the picture you get is not one of any change or even of any recognition of problems. It's very hard to advise someone that 'love is all you need' when clearly the love given by OP, the patience and support means OP is having none of her own needs met and nothing is changing. You can't love someone better. If you could we wouldn't have any prisons or hospitals would we?

Hi red, how are you today? How did it go with the HV?

I thought of you yesterday. I carelessly lost the secondhand coat we got for my son a month ago, so we went to Tesco and got another. I know you think we make too much of the coat, but it's an incredibly potent symbol of your H's selfishness and how desperately unbalanced and unsustainable your relationship is.

I want the best for you (and DD too). You know you can't go on this way.

How was your weekend red?

Hi, I really didn't flounce well a it from the AIBU thread. i had some tech problems hence the new account and name.
The weekend was pretty shit tbh.
We had a massive argument yesterday about money and time and then haven't really spoken. Me and dd have spent lots of time with my family which was nice though.

Other than that nothing's changed.

What thread? One in AIBU?

I found it. Red this makes me so sad. I know why you did it and I didn't read it all but I know it hurts. I just want you to want better and do what you need to do to get there.
He's just dragging you down so far

I started an AIBU thread asking how much an outsider would judge the three of us in the park. Dd was acting up and she was drinking and smoking pot in the bloody playground. You can imagine the responses.

The hv was a lovely shoulder to literally cry on and she hasn't enforced any big change but has urged me to get dh to engage with the cannabis services that the gp signposted him to. No social services involvement as I worried about.

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