My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

maybedoctor your concerns are similar to mine especially breathing in second hand smoke.

In relation to talking to a health visitor, is it so (heaven forbid) SS got involved it would show I was being proactive by voicing my concerns?

We don't have savings anymore but I have a pension I pay into. He doesn't. We really don't have any assets.

Thankfully he doesn't drive. We're inner city so no need.

My parents would always be happy for me and dd to move back home. I know this.

Red, I have a lot of hope for you, you come across as a very intelligent person, you make an effort to be objective and avoid getting emotional about this. I am sure you can do this!

At the very least the tobacco element is linked to childhood asthma. I am not sure what the weed element would be linked to, but it is likely to be harmful.

Yes, as a way of recording your concerns but also as a way of tapping into sources of genuine help. HV are specifically there for under fives, so it is an additional service you have now while DD is small that you won't be able to access at a later date. They might be able to refer you to services and sources of support that you might not know about. Go to a baby clinic and ask to speak to one in a private room - they should do this without question.

Do ignore the user upthread who said Fentanyl is unusual for a colonoscopy. It's standard use sedative in a scope, replacing pethidine in many clinics' protocols. Not everyone needs a sedative for a scope but I presume that someone your DH's young age having a scope had symptoms and therefore may experience more pain that your average guy. Also, some people have twisty colons that are difficult to get around and need more sedation.

Sorry to read of your difficulties, your DH does sound very depressed and addicted. I haven't read the whole thread so don't know if it has been mentioned but there are support groups such as Al-anon for families of addicts that may help you.

Treadmill analogy was good. You clearly are exhausted by it too.

Big step but telling HV might really open some doors for you

Just checking in to keep up.

OP, I know you may find this hard to believe but I am worried for you too and want the best for you and your DD. I won't lie, it is frustrating to see you cling so hard to these pathetic moments of basic functioning your "D"H allows as meaning everything isn't that bad, but I can see that you are trying hard to listen to what people have had to say and to avoid closing your eyes to it all again. I know it is hard. But please try and remember some of what people have said about the impact on your DD.

WRT to your family of origin, all due respect, but while they may not be wildly dysfunctional, they're off enough that you think every family has alcoholics and both you and your sister sought out addicts as partners.

I hope that soon DD will live in a world where 100% of her present parents are sober, functional, and have good boundaries, where she has a warm coat, and where she doesn't have to "learn" that daddy has to be tolerated, protected, and worked around. I hope for you that you soon live in a world where nobody smokes away your money, the only people you need to be responsible for are yourself and DD, and you are learning to trust yourself.

Please consider speaking to your HV. Refuse to live in the cone of silence any more. Stop protecting him. Please.

I used to attend lots of toddler/baby groups at the same centre since dd was just weeks old. There's a resident health visitor who has always been very approachable and sort of took an interest In me and dd when I started looking wrung out at every session and dd was acting up quite a bit.
I've mentioned the odd thing to her as a friendly older woman rather than in a hv capacity and she's always been nice and proactive. E.g. She always made sure we'd be on the list for 'brunch club' (a toddler cooking class where you eat what you make) which was always full and usually on a first come first serve basis and sorted me out with a CAB appointment when I told her some of my money concerns. She met DH recently at a Saturday craft thing and commented to me that it was good to see him out doing fun things with dd (that isn't a sneaky bigging up DH comment, we actually all went out together and, art being his thing got really involved with the making side of things much to dd's and my delight) so maybe she's put two and two together and knows something's not right. I could approach her tomorrow afternoon. I'm still really worried about our case being referred onto SS but I think she knows me well enough that she wouldn't jump in at the deep end of help. I'm really nervous even contemplating it.

I've also looked up local al anon groups (none till next week) and put lots of dd's old clothes on ebay for sale to buy her new ones so I am listening and making some positive steps.

Red - you don't need to be scared of SS. They are a support service and it is always better for them to become involved sooner rather than later. Especially if you are the one asking for their support, they will look on that favourably.

My family have a SW at the moment. My DD has had some issues recently and they have all come to a head and people are thinking it is ASD but they became involved after she went for me with a knife and I called the police.

It has not been a big scary thing and the SW is constantly telling me 'keep talking, phone me whenever you are worried, I am here to help you'.

It's hard to shake that feeling about them though isn't it. At its most dramatic, They are the people who take your children away!

Sorry to here you're going through tough times as well.

It is!! Yes!! I got the call from the SW as we left hospital (ambulance rookie her to a&e for CAMHS assessment) and I bricked it.

The first thing the SW did was sit down and say 'I am here to help, you may have heard scary things about SS but I am not here to take your DC. That is the last thing anyone wants'

That sound such a horrible situation for all of you. I know they're not the 'bogeymen' they're made out to be but my mind starts running wild.

Without the SS involvement the fact the school had been lying and covering up her issues (and therefore I hadn't got the full picture) wouldn't have been exposed.

SW took a hard line with them and it has helped.

A classmate of DC1 lives in what the authorities call a "chaotic home life". There are clear parallels with your situation, although there are more children, they are older and there are longer standing addictions along with the criminal problems that started when smoking and drinking the children's winter coats and Christmas presents was no longer enough to feed the dad's habit.

The family moved into our village about 3 years ago, getting a bigger council house and escaping a problematic environment. Before long, the school got SS involved. I know the mum, she says this was the best thing that ever happened to her.

She has done her utmost to work with them to fix all the things they helped her to see were wrong, her DH being the main problem, but then there were other things too that she had never seen as being quite as problematic as they were because her boundaries were fucked. Anyway, no one took her kids away. They've got every service going helping them. It has helped a lot.

Sadly the oldest two children are, it seems to me, lost already. They were teenagers when SS got involved. The damage is deep. The youngest is 5, she's doing remarkably well.

Social Services want children to grow up in stable drug-free homes where they can thrive. Their strong preference is for that to be with family. If they can get you into a better situation knowing DD can safely be with you, they will regard that as a the best outcome by far.

OP, I have to wonder, what would happen if you pointed out to your H that you are scrambling to buy DD a warm coat, while he sets alight the equivalent of three warm coats a week? Have you ever put it that way to him?

Red - you are getting some really good advice on this thread. Please keep talking and listening.

I just wanted to point out that having a shit year does not absolve your H of his responsibilities. My DH and I have had the year from hell with bereavement, illness, coroners inquest etc etc but we have a family and responsibilities towards them and towards ourselves and have had to keep going

This sounds harsh but he is using his difficult year as an excuse and I can tell you now that this bad one year will be used as his reason to continue his drinking and pot smoking

sarah. I know exactly what he'd say. He would point out that we always end up being given nice hand me downs so why would I waste my money on something new. He'd bring up my buying clothes and toys for dd on maternity leave unnecessarily and he'd get very moody and defensive about bringing up what he spends on pot and would probably have a go.
She's not without a winter coat. We've been given two now!

I know it doesn't absolve him but,in a way I can see where he's coming from. The temptation to self medicate is big. I get those 'wine o'clock' feelings sometimes when everything is stressful and can see how he's let things slide.

RedStripe Okay. That answer doesn't really satisfy me, but more importantly, would it satisfy you? Does it satisfy you that he's happy for your child to rely on charity to be clothed and resourced, and for him to continue using spending that must be nigh on two years ago now as a justification/against you?

We all get those "wine o'clock" feelings from time to time, but please, try to see the massive gulf between that and what he's doing. You are NOT the same as him. He wants you to believe you are (hence what you know he'd say if you challenged him on money), but you are NOT. It seems that you are a kind and empathetic and conscientious person who grew up without having confidence in herself reinforced, and he is now using every one of those qualities against you. It's all about HIS voice - where is yours? Where is your daughter's voice? Where is HIS empathy for you and her?

So there's al anon next week near you? Great!

You are not making progress at all by selling DD's clothes etc, that's all fine and good but is part of the treadmill a PP described so well. And requires nothing of your DH.

Can you see that he doesn't see a need to change? Would get angry and try to gaslight you! Not good.

OP I have just read this thread, following your new one.

I know you said your DD is sorted for a winter coat now. I have been preparing to post a bunch of clothes (3-4/4-5) down to my goddaughter, if there is anything, anything that your DD is short of. I know you are not here begging for anything, but I would like to help you and your DD if needed. Please PM me if you'd rather

That's so kind, thank you! I think we're honestly ok for clothes as she gets lots from her cousins but I'll have a think and PM you.

No it's not good dozer. I just wanted to here it from a few more people to push me to get help. It's worked.

Understanding and accepting are different.

You can understand how it happens for him. You can feel sad for him. You can simultaneously choose to refuse to accept living with the consequences yourself.

People should not have to give to give you clothes for free.......you have a disposable income of £70 a week
I wish I had a spare £70 a week to spunk out on myself!!!!
And actually if I did I wouldn't spend it all on myself anyway....
Drugs around a child - no matter how clean and tidy she looks - is irresponsible of you. Not to mention ILLEGAL!
Sorry but this thread and your other one have really frustrated me!

'She's not without a winter coat. We've been given two now!' It sounds like people in your life now feel sorry for you and your child and see you as a charity case. This is heartbreaking.

Please read this OP :

www.whatiscodependency.com/are-you-an-enabler-and-what-you-can-do/

Please go to Al-Anon . It was a complete life saver for me. You can also try Families Anonymous . These groups completely changed my attitude and behaviour towards the addicts in my life and are totally free. Good Luck