My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

God, just read that back he was drinking etc not dd!!!!

And what did Dp say about the offer of help?
I'm so glad you told her. It was the right thing to do.

I mean... it is one thing choosing to do that in your own home (or not as many people including myself feel) but having such low standards for himself and other people's children doesn't show him in a good light. Smoking and drinking in a park is something teenagers or addicts do. Grown men do not. You know this. I also know you feel ashamed so I won't make you feel worse. I don't think he feels guilty or ashamed at all and makes you feel silly for feeling that way doesn't he? We are here telling you he's warping your perceptions.

When I say warping your perceptions,this is like basically someone has something they don't want to stop doing, so it's easier to convince people who are against it that they are the unreasonable ones. It's a far simpler and less stressful way of dealing with something difficult is to have you on board believing it too, rather than having to get help and give it up
So all of his effort goes into this and not seeking help

He did the usual vague "hmm yeah I'll have a think about it" leaflet gets shoved to the back of his draw etc.

I am embarrassed but he thinks it's me being uptight.

Our argument wasn't about that though.

You fell out over money? What happened

Fundamentally you have a partner who doesn't care about how you feel about things. Take out the weed and the booze - a Partnership and solid relationship is based on communication, love, respect and understanding. All of what you give to him, but you do not get this back

The iPad gave up (it was very cracked) under my care and we can't get a new one.

So he was angry at you about it being broken?

Pretty much, and I was pissed off that we can't afford a new one.

Yes, quite right to be too.

If you don't fix the screen they do break after a while. You couldn't fix the screen because he pisses your money up the wall. Did he smash the screen too?

He's always talking about how broke we are but drink and pot never enter into his arguments. I think he's convinced himself they have nothing to do with the situation. He came in from work tonight talking about his wages being wrong and how he'd be better off 'on benefits'. Bollocks we would.

Only asking really because it'd just add a final (abusive addict) cherry on the top of the shit pie...

No, he does smash things occasionally but this was just a crack that was left too long. We were having a bit of a stand of for months on who would fix it as he was convinced it was my fault for letting dd hold the iPad.

is he preparing to lose/leave his job then?

It is nothing to do with being financially better off and everything to do with him having more time to drink and smoke I suspect, that's what he means by 'better off'.

I think it's all talk. At least I hope it is. He comes from a traditionally hard working, proper grafting family who have always made an effort to work. It's in his blood disputed his issues.

He just comes home from work all moody and sounding off about stuff and then he goes outside and chills out a bit.

That sigh was at him btw, not you... just at how utterly unconcerned he is with anything other than himself.

Well, if he has been paid less than he is expecting don't let him buy his booze/weed and rob you off re the bills.

He sees all that as essentials. Like milk and bread. I can't stop him buying it.

It doesn't matter that he is deluded enough to think it is essentials. In objective reality gas, water, rent, food, clothes are essentials. His booze/weed is an expensive luxury that if he wasn't an addict he would cut back on so you can afford essentials and other things like fixing the iPad.

What would happen if you told him that? Or if you told him he needed to buy dd a winter coat this week and if he couldn't afford the booze/weed as well as the coat then he would have to do without/with less?

I mean he can try and claim they are essentials but you don't have to agree, even if he still goes ahead and chooses to carry on pissing his money up the wall on it and leaving you to bear the costs.

I mean this is the thing really... the only time weed and booze are essential is when you are an addict - so is that what he is saying?

He would get very defensive and angry If I said that. I don't really like to confront him as he's excellent at arguments and I'm a wreck.
There's always a reason why he's right IYSWIM.

He'd never call himself an addict.