My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

He's certainly manipulative.

Ok, I. Listening. I might stop posting for a bit though incase he takes an interest when he come back in.

Yes just take care of yourself I do worry about you believe it or not!

And please don't think that was an invalidation of your feelings on it. It is highly likely that his addictions are the reason he is emotionally and financially abusive towards you.

It's just that the reason it matters is because a. You will be affected by the emotional and financial abuse in the same way regardless of the reasons for it and therefore the reasons become less relevant and b. If addiction IS the reason for it you simply cannot help him by continuing to live with him and mother him. That has the effect of either enabling him to continue his addiction or enabling it to get worse because he is protected from the vast majority of consequences.

Cannabis will increase the effects of the fentanyl, which is an opiate. (Fentanyl is heavy duty, and tbh I'm surprised it was given for a colonoscopy which isn't that painful - my cynical side suspects he asked for something strong "for the pain", just cos he enjoys the buzz.)

Anyway that interaction is the reason you're not supposed to mix THC and opiates. It can cause respiratory depression.

Could it be midazolam that is the other drug? That is a sedative commonly used. Again, can cause respiratory depression.

I feel 100% certain they would not have given either if they had known he was going to combine with cannabis (or god forbid, skunk) afterwards.

He is an idiot. Sorry, but he's a fucking idiot.

Don't worry, it's unlikely to harm him. He'll probably conk out though. And be useless tomorrow. And at no stage connect it with the vast amount of drugs in his bloodstream.

A bit of an arsehole sometimes is the understatement of the century. Is an arsehole most of the day, every day.

Maybe you should keep a diary. Interaction with you, DD, smoking, drinking. Your idea of good behaviour: food shopping and pumpkin carving (but not coming trick or treating?) is a tiny amount of basic normal behaviour.

Thanks myuser and offred

Yes elspeth that's the name of the drug.

rabbit He was mid prep for the colonoscopy so had a valid, pooey excuse not to come trick or treating. I think diahorrea on someone's front porch is a trick to far!!

I think a diary is a good idea. Before starting this thread I thought he rarely smoked or drank in the day but here it all is written down. He's had a few more joints and has now opened his first beer . Not just DH that needs to start being honest with themselves. Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to. Upside is hopefully he will, safely, conk out and I'll have an evening to myself.

Have you considered going to Al-Anon or the equivalent for addict's families yourself?

I'm considering it now. I'll look in to whats available locally.

I also agree with a diary and this should include things you were not able to buy, but things he bought.

Eesh, I was spot on with the timing of the opening of the can...

I think it is also clear that his healthcare providers haven't been told about his alcoholism and his smoking - and he will have been asked, and he will have lied.

Just how sure are you that his health problems haven't been misdiagnosed because the healthcare practitioners haven't been told he is smoking pot and drinking like this?

It could entirely be a result of the addictions that he is ill.

I agree with username especially make a note of the estimated cost every time you see him skin up or open a drink.

And yet, when you posted that offred I was thinking, "well that proves I know better because he's not drinking anything till the evening". I wa surprised when he decided it was drinks time. He seems absolutely fine despite the earlier medications.

He has a long term condition that he's had since his teens so whilst it's not caused by his vices it is worsened by them. Nicotine mostly. Of course he's never told them the extent of it.

I am starting to look at it like a cost per joint/can etc.

It's not just the financial cost though. While you are at it add up all the time you spend doing things for him and worrying about him...

It's appalling that he says he is not going to change a thing. I can perfectly well imagine how such a caring person as you has ended up with him but I struggle to understand how a person can behave the way he does towards his wife and child.

It's unbelievable.

I mean he isn't even bothering with the usual crap addicts come out with, just a straight up 'I won't change'.

My heart absolutely goes out to you and dd and I hope you can find the strength to free yourselves from this awful situation him.

Because he hasn't always been like this and used to be so caring, bright and generous with his time and with whatever funds he had.
I haven't had years of putting up with shit. Things have just really taken a nosedive this year and a little before then.

He was such a caring, fun and spontaneous man

But I bet he always smoked and drank right?

It's just the classic boiling frog thing I think.

He used to be able to mask his addictions most likely, behind youth and other excuses that have become almost like truths to you you have lived with them so long - like the service industry thing (I do not think weed is a service industry thing having worked in that industry, alcohol yes, weed no). Before they were taking such a toll on his body and his mind...

But sadly as he has had more support from you I believe he will have inadvertently been sucking that support into supporting his addiction.

You don't live in the substance abuse world. He can tell you whatever lie he is telling himself about why he abused substances and you will just trust him because that's what couples do.

It's poisonous though addiction, it poisons everything and I'm afraid that you will not be able to trust anything at all that he says or does. Given he is smoking and drinking so much everything that he does will be about feeding his addiction, every situation will be being manipulated to feed his addiction.

Even the gradually working down your standards so that you are glad for tiny scraps of normality. It is all driven by his addiction.

Whilst it isn't quite the same as saying he is choosing the substances over you and dd, the truth is worse - he is an addict and until he decides he is not going to indulge anymore he actually is not capable of ever choosing you or dd in any situation.

Yes, didn't you mention in earlier posts that he's always drunk and smoked a lot? But now, after stressful events etc, his moods and behaviour have changed a lot?

Sometimes people can have issues for a long while, but "get by", but then it steps up a gear or three and becomes massive. I once observed this with a housemate who mainly drank and smoked a bit, and it seemed to get bad out of nowhere, but in retrospect there had always been signs of a problem.

Youth, vibrancy and no responsibility made it all seem ok. Fun even.
Now it just seems quite sad and hopeless.

It's not your fault.

If you do not have an addictive personality, you don't know any addicts or addiction has been normalised in your family then I think it is very easy to innocently walk into something like this with someone who seems fun.

I have come back to see how you are - please stay with it. I think there are a lot of people on here who really want to see you in a better place.

The way I perceive your situation is that you are walking on a treadmill. You are walking, striving, putting effort into being a good mum, looking after your DH, working, budgeting, cooking, keeping an eye out for problems....But because you are doing much of this to counteract what your DH is doing, you are hardly getting anywhere. You can't earn, save, strive or parent much faster than your DH can smoke, drink or set a poor example. At the moment you are just about in balance but, as his addiction deepens (which it will, won't it?); as your DD gets older and baby-proofing no longer works; as parenting her and educating her becomes more demanding; and as other people/services become aware of the issues, then there is a real risk of you taking a fall.

The bits that really worry me are a) her breathing this smoke in, if it is only out on a balcony b) how well he cares for her when you are not around c) the dangers of accidents at home d) him driving anyone, anywhere.

I would like to suggest some constructive steps you can take:

1. Ask to see your health visitor and get it on record that you are concerned about this alcohol and substance abuse. It has to be on record that you are ready to seek help about this. If your health visitor is not available then GP, Children's Centre or Family Support Worker.

2. Explore what your finances would be if you were to split up

3. Speak in confidence to your parents and ask, if you were to leave DH, would there be a temporary home for you there?

I don't think I've ever been so shocked to the core by a thread on here....... Dad is a drug addict/alcohol, and Mum is his enabler. I feel very sorry for the poor little girl caught in this awful mess. I hope you can find the strength to make your little girls world a better place, OP. Before SS step in and do it for you. I know you didn't chose this situation or indeed ask for it, but you are the only that can change it. I think the fact you've posted means you know that, and I wish you and your little one a better future.