My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

I hate that posters find this thread horrifying. I've tried to post objectively and fairly emotionlessly.

That's exactly why it's so horrifying tbh. The fact that your situation seems horrendous to an outsider, a situation others would do ANYTHING to remove a small, vulnerable child from, and yet you seem relatively calm about it and so hesitant to take immediate and drastic action. MN has many members with deep problems and poor mental health who seek support on these boards because of childhoods blighted by similar issues to those your daughter is facing.

Can I just say for the record, dd is clean, fed and watered. Her jabs are up to date. She has a normal routine we stick to. She does a fun activity or school everyday. She is a happy, bright child and has never encountered so much as a tap on her bottom, nor has she ever witnessed violence. I know these are the very basics of expectations but I just wanted to say it incase anyone was speculating about worse going on.

Im not minimising the many things that are wrong but just felt it had to be said.

That wasn't aimed at any particular poster btw and it wasn't meant to sound confrontational. I just feel a little defensive.

Those things should be a given, Red.

His drinking to deal with anticipated stress is typical addict behaviour. Wouldn't be surprising if his abdominal symptoms are the result of, or made worse by, the alcohol and pot.

Not only will he not countenance stopping smoking, he even smokes in front of your DD!

Also, while you wait for NHS talking therapy for yourself (in some areas you can self refer) you could seek help from a charity for familes of people with problematic alcohol/drug use.

I do know they're a given but I felt like some posters felt even these things were possibly absent so I just wanted to set the record straight.

I've self referred but it takes a while. I'll look into the charities. I've accepted now that many of his other issues, mental health, poor hygiene, erratic eating may boil down to substance abuse. This is a fairly new admission for me so I'll look into these charities.

I've got to go and pick up both children now (one from nursery and one from hospital ) so can t post but have not walked away from an unpalatable truth.

YOU do all those essential things for your DD: if it was down to your H he might well not.

And remember, because of his spending on alcohol and weed you can't afford Christmas gifts or warm clothes for DD.

I don't think you come across as the type of person that would allow those things to go undone red.

What I worry about and maybe others is that you have maybe got caught up thinking I do all those things so it is ok. Dh is struggling and needs my help to get better so that we will all be better.

It is about more than those things though, parenting.

There is literally nothing at all wrong with your parenting abilities I suspect apart from the fact you are being abused by an abusive addict who has knocked your self confidence so severely you feel stuck.

Hi Red, a few of the things you've posted recently have made me wonder whether the Freedom Programme might be of use to you while you wait for your talking therapy. It's designed to help people who are or have been in abusive relationships but there are elements of control and manipulation about some of his behaviours and some of your thought processes and reactions are what you would expect from someone in an abusive relationship. It may not be specifically designed for your situation but I do think you might find it helpful and it would be something you could be doing while you wait for other services. You can do the course in person or online, there are links for both on this page www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I hope no one I here is accusing you of not meeting the basic needs of your child. Your most recent posts suggest a person who is facing up to a hard situation and has the strength to look to a better future.

I think we pointed out that neither of them will be meeting her full emotional needs, also her welfare is of concern because OP's DP is spending vast amounts of family money on drugs and alcohol and they are living in poverty

I don't think it is at all a coincidence that you have focused on the practical rather than emotional re dd either. You are denying yourself the right to feel angry and hurt and tiptoeing around him, focusing on doing the practical for yourself and neglecting the emotional.

It strikes me as rather an understandable psychological defence TBH. If you think about maslow's hierarchy of needs etc, you are just getting physical needs met, spending a lot of time and energy on that because he is an addict and that puts you under enormous pressure.

Did anyone tell the hospital he had been smoking and drinking the night before the procedure? Did he ask them if it would be safe to smoke and drink tonight? Do the people investigating his condition know what a heavy long term drink and drug user he is?

They must know if they are to diagnose, treat and not make him worse.

Can you speak to the doctor before you leave with him? Say it is about aftercare. You expect him to start on the skunk and drink as soon as he comes round, what side effects might happen if he does that? What should trigger you calling an ambulance or bringing him back to hospital?

A reasonably quick google says drinking alcohol is very unwise as it can dehydrate you and being dehydrated is the primary safety concern with colonoscopy.

What a knobend. They must have told him that.

He will have got a lengthy leaflet about it, and horrible stuff to drink to empty his bowels and dehydrate him!

Yes, v poor judgment on his part, but not surprising for an addict.

We are home so too late to ask. On the sheet it says he had fentanyl and mizlpam . He said he won't drink till tonight but has sparked up a joint the moment we got in. I'll keep an eye on him.
He was shitting all night after the moviprep but has been good about keeping hydrated.
I'm a bit concerned.

Dehydration related to a colonoscopy can be fatal.

He will know this and he will still open a can in around an hour and a half. He still opened the cans last night too.

offred and hiding he's not abusive. Just a bit of an arsehole sometimes.

And no, don't keep an eye on him.

It is his choice.

I think you need to start detaching and stop mothering him.

I know, on his head be it.

He behaves abusively towards you
In more ways than one
It's not normal the way he spoke to you about nursery and it's not normal the way he controls your spending. It is a form of abuse. Abuse isn't just hitting someone

He is certainly financially abusive and emotionally abusive from what you are describing.

I know that you are focusing on it from a 'he has got problems and he just needs support' perspective but that does not excuse him spending all the money on drugs and alcohol or being so awful you end up crying at work and at the GP for anxiety/depression.

I agree, he is financially and emotionally abusing you