My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

That's too harsh Boris, OP might well be able to change her and DD's situation for the better.

Hmm... I think the fact you think it isn't normal to have alcoholics in the family and your dad smokes pot and both you and your sister have ended up in relationships with pot smokers puts a totally new spin on your whole situation.

I think you definitely need to leave for your daughter's sake. Everything that has been written about how SS will view your set up is correct. They will not see that your daughter has one responsible parent, they will see that she has one dangerous parent and the other parent is failing to protect her from him.

I would also caution about seeing your upbringing as 'very stable' it is clearly where your views on your h have come from, the views that have prevented you, so far, from acting to protect your daughter. I think you should avoid going to live with family if you can because of this.

Disliking the flat you are in now is not as big an issue as living with an abusive addict, nor is it as big an issue as moving back in with the family that made you into a person that doesn't see how bad it is to be living with an abusive addict.

*it is normal

I'm trying to change things for the better!!!!!
I've really tried to accept all the criticism about me and my parenting graciously and be painfully honest despite my urge to paint myself in a better light but I still feel under attack.

No, my family photos don't generally include pictures of DH skinning up. He happened to be wearing a hat that made him look gorgeous so I took them to show him and try to raise his spirits (if anyone remembers I originally posted about being worried for his mental state).
I've only ever known my Dad to smoke pot less than a handful of times in my life and only if my DH or bil started.

I see my upbringing as stable because it was. Happy, healthy and well rounded. I'm not dismissing the points you've made about DH and sadly I have to seriously consider leaving him if any things to change and also because I'm now scared about social services getting involved but I do feel as though people have jumped on the idea of 'dis functional family' and ran with it.

OP, don't forget this is an internet forum, you need to read each post with a grain of salt. It's very easy to accuse someone else's family of being dysfunctional. I very much doubt that any family is perfect.

I

I'm sorry you feel attacked. I don't think that is anyone's intention.

The fact is that you are simply the person who is trying to do the best you can in a situation which is not of your making. A situation that is entirely of your h's making.

The trouble is that your family set up (you, dh and dd) IS deeply dysfunctional and your approach to try and love him better is not going to work and is distracting you from your daughter's needs.

I'm sure many many people relate to it but at the end of the day people are thinking about your daughter who is in reality growing up with an abusive and neglectful addict who drinks and takes drugs around her and doesn't parent her effectively and another parent who is worried about what social services might do because ultimately they don't want to leave the abusive, neglectful addict who is dragging them into the gutter.

Social services will simply want you to safeguard your child from her damaging father, ask yourself why you are scared of that?

And really, rather than feeling attacked, think about what this childhood will be doing to your dd. People who grew up in similar situations have already explained how they feel about having been put in her position, she is only 3, the risks to her emotional health will grow greater the older she gets. Leaving will become increasingly hard. Now, when she is still so little, is the best time to go. None of this is your fault but you also have zero control over his behaviour or his addictions. You cannot manage or love him out of it and if he ever decides to try and recover the process is not something you want your child to be around anyway.

Literally the ONLY thing you can do is remove yourself and your dd, or I guess just remove your dd and try and stick with him without her. It is totally and utterly shitty that he has put your both in this position. Totally and completely shit and not your fault but you are in this position and you do have to deal with it now you are there.

She's going to start asking why very soon. Why can't I have xx thing for Christmas? Why can't I have a new coat? Why does daddy never play with me? Why is daddy always drinking beer?

When she starts going to other people's houses she is going to start seeing that they have dads who play with them, who don't smell funny, who don't open a can of beer at lunchtime.

She will start realising what the answers are to those questions and she'll start thinking 'why doesn't mum leave him?'

Eventually she may come to think 'because she doesn't really care about me'

Then she is at risk of addiction herself or being in a relationship with an addict because she was taught that is how you cope and because she was taught love is codependency.

I agree with Offred. I wanted you to see it through your child's eyes. One of you needs to do that. That's what social services do. They act in the best interests of children.

I think unfortunately your DP has been able to absolve himself of many of the grown up aspects of adult life, because he has found it hard. You understand he's found life hard and his way of coping is smoking weed and drinking. So far this helps him function at perhaps 30% (for example) capacity on a day to day basis in adult life. You feel that if you weren't there, he would lose more capacity and have no alternatives, because over the years he has lost all his coping methods and actually maybe never learned how to cope as an adult when bad things happen, and things are stressful.

So we have a quite damaged adult here, who has a mother figure wife and now a child of his own.
Mother-wife is trying to hold all 3 of them on her shoulders with little help from man-child. He thinks she's doing quite a good job of managing all of his problems for him as she is so good at navigating new ways of doing things on his behalf, trying to shield and protect damaged man-boy from further trauma like the super hero mother-wife she is. Man-boy doesn't want things to change, because it would mean facing up to the horrible things and also well, doing some of the mother-wife work himself. This doesn't really seem appealing. I mean she has less damage than him, she had a nice childhood so now it's her 'turn' in life to help out someone in need.

The DD sits watching this and learns that women are mothers and wives to men. Men are fragile and women don't expect their man-boy husbands to do anything for them in return. Women must hide their true feelings from men, in case this causes further damage to husbands fragile mental state. Children also must be careful of their father - he is probably tired or high, so you must learn the signs and maybe even support mother when you see things are getting hard. You also know that there are things you keep secret from other people.

And have you thought about the highly likely probability that it may not always be £70 per week?

That it is highly likely to become £75, then £80, £100?

That he might lose his job?

That you might lose your home?

That he might get credit that he can't pay for and you might have bailiffs round?

He is completely unwilling to get help and you can't help him so how does this story end?

And the title of your post should really be "my DP is damaging his daughter's mind body and soul"

THAT is the main issue.

Myusernameismyusername the last paragraph of your last post is 100% spot on. I feel like taking a photo of it and keeping it on my phone to remind myself of it, because it is so, so, so accurate.

It's very hard to break these patterns once they are engrained in your sub-conscious.

This thread is horrifying. OP I know all families are different, but you seem to have an extremely warped idea of what is normal. The way your dp is behaving is totally and utterly unacceptable, not to mention criminal.
Bringing your daughter up surrounded by drug and alcohol addiction and depriving her of material comforts because your dp spends the money on drugs and booze is unforgivable. Her teachers and friends at school will know and will pity her. She won't be able to have friends round to play because their parents (quite rightly) won't want their dc to be in that environment. She will miss out on things her friends do because there will be no money. What she learns of relationships will be based on your dysfunctional one. She will learn that use of illegal drugs and daily drinking are apparently normal and fine.

Your dp has said he will never give up pot. You can't make him. It is your responsibility to leave him, for the sake of your daughter. Not because you want to jolt him into changing (doesn't sound like he's going to) but because you need to get away from him to stop him ruining your lives. Leave it much longer and your dd WILL suffer irrevocable damage.

Your daughter sees a father who spends most of his time sleeping, or else stoned, drunk, or both. Every single day of her life so far.

You're delusional if you think this isn't going to have an impact on her.

You're allowing your daughter to be damaged. It's as simple as that.

How's it going today Red? Has he done anything to be a lovely parent to DD? Has he been lovely to you? Or has it all been smoking, drinking and whining while you do everything for him and your DD?

Thanks misscph. Whilst in moments of clarity i can accept my little family has some seriously dysfunctional elements , my larger family are pretty standard.

offred (love the name my fav book ever is the hand maids tale) thank you for your posts. It will indeed become more and more unmanageable as dd grows up. I tried to make DH make an agreement that he'd stop smoking anything in front of her when she turned two as I don't want her growing up seeing smoking fags, let alone pot as normal. I've tried to explain she's at an age now where seeing him smoke and drink will subconsciously filter into her brain as normal. Of course he hasn't and probably won't. He grew up with his mum smoking 20 a day inside and that has set the tone of 'it ok' for him.
username You're right about him not having to function as an adult. He's very responsible and grown up at work but In every other aspect of his life he's still like a teenager. I don't like having to shoulder the burden of having to manage the house, finances and all the wife work. I don't want to be responsible for him. That's played no small part in my anxiety and stress. Dd will not grow up seeing this as normal because if things don't change very soon I'm getting out. I do think I've overlooked dd's feelings as I still think she's a baby sometimes so unaffected by this stuff. She's three now, she's going to be learning from us. His emotions and feelings seem to take precedence over ours. I was so scared to tell him I'd been to the gp for stress and anxiety in case it upset him!

I hate that posters find this thread horrifying. I've tried to post objectively and fairly emotionlessly because it would be so easy when I'm feeling upset to get caught up in the 'he's such a shit, look what he does everyone!' Type mentality and get validation for my feelings being justified.

That said, as you asked how yesterday was rabbit, let me indulge in a little rant. Yesterday started off horribly as I had an earful over the phone from his as he went to drop dd of at nursary school and it wasn't open till Tuesday. He'd been dragged out of the house for no reason and he was feeling like shit and why hadn't I told him etc. I was the cliche of the women crying about her relationship in the toilets at work which was embarrassing. He later texted an apologie. I got back from work at 4 and he was already on joint number two and cracked open a can on my arrival. His reasoning was that he's having a day procedure at the hospital (this morning) and wasn't aloud to eat yesterday so made to have something to distract him .

He had however, in the day gone food shopping which was nice and before me and dd went out trick or treating he carved the most intricate and beautiful pumpkin (he's a truly fantastic artist). Dd was mesmerised and we had a lovely moment lighting it as a family. So ups and downs really.

That's not an up, it's a horizontal bit. Ffs, everybody carves a pumpkin at Halloween. It's like putting the bins out.

I feel like you are on a journey of discovery, afterall you do return to read what people have said even when it hurts.
I'm just worried that you become quite blinded by the tiny glimmers of hope that you want to see, such as carving a pumpkin or buying food. Combined with treating you like crap for getting the nursery day wrong and turning immediately to weed and booze to ease up FUTURE stress is quite concerning to me. And I know it is you.
I think you are like my mum in many ways and I know exactly why she didn't leave and it was the fear of being wrong, and making the wrong choice. She is one of what I call life's cobblers - she would try make dinner out of a pile of old dog bones if she had to instead of taking a brave step into the world and finding new food, because she will not take risks. Risks are scarier than what's in front of you because you can manage that, and you can't manage the unknown.

I'm very glad that you are still around and reading and posting red.

I want you to know that it is ok to be angry with him. It is ok to be crying and sad when he has been horrible to you and to be angry with him.

I get the impression too that you are trying to mute the bad feelings and magnify the good. That's probably quite understandable because this is your life and with so much bad going on connecting to the positive I suspect makes it more manageable.

I do think now is the time to start finding your anger though. I know how hard that is. I struggle massively with being angry, I always want to be a good girl, being angry makes you a 'bad girl'.

Really anger is an entirely appropriate feeling in your situation I think. Appropriate anger is what will make the positive changes in your life happen I think.

He was feeling like shit because of his addictions, was he angry because nursery not being open meant he had to look after dd on his day off and therefore (although he felt he could smoke around her - maybe even drive to the shop with her after?) he felt he couldn't open a can of beer until you got home?

You're right user, I'm very scared of change, of being wrong and of taking risks. Although I sort of manage the household I don't tend to trust my own opinions and consult him first. I'd love this to change and when the free nhs talking therapy starts I'm hoping to make some changes.

I go from feeling angry so doubting myself in a flash. I'm also very aware of being 'good' rather than bad.

Prime example of this just happened . DH just called to say he'd turned up at the wrong bloody hospital for his procedure. Luckily the right one is only a couple of tube stops away. First things to go through my mind were: FFS you idiot. Who doesn't look at the letter to check which hospital to go to, oh shit, is this my fault somehow (like nursery yesterday) and finally, I should have pulled dd out of school so we could accompany him as I have to pick him up later anyway. However, what I said was "oh no poor you, how stressful'".

This is really what you need to focus on I believe therapy and now really, I can't explain how much it's holding you back and how much worse it could actually get. My mother is scared to cross the road, because she doesn't trust her judgement in getting to the other side in time. As a kid and worse now I see her standing and waiting and waiting and I have even pulled her into the road before to get her to take the first step because she just can't do it alone.
You have a distorted view of yourself and your judgements and this has allowed someone to take advantage of this

Why did he even ring you? Were you already at work?

He'll have to go heavy this evening to make up for all this "stress", won't he?

Yesterday, he rang me at work to have a go about nursery school being closed.

Today he rang after I'd dropped dd off so I'd know which hospital to collect him from as he'll need assistance as he's being sedated.

He'll go heavy but I think he'll still be sleepy from whatever sedative is used for a colonoscopy (does anyone know btw?)

I haven't always been scared of my own judgements. I've got high hopes for therapy.