My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Dd has the time of her life when she stays with her nana. She'd love it!

It's a shame it's all up to you and he doesn't care enough about you and DD to make it better. But YES you can make it better. I am nc with my dad but love and respect my mum beyond any words I can find because she left. She chose to be happy. She chose freedom and life and love and laughter. Choose the good stuff. Be happy OP you deserve that.

This has made such uncomfortable reading, it's like listening to myself a few years ago it's uncanny.
Fwiw I did leave in the end. Like you I left the home and took DC with me. I thought he'd fight for us, he didn't.
It's taken years for me to reconcile myself with what happened, to get over the guilt that I never should have felt.
Reading your posts have bought home to me how very very thankful I am that I DID leave.
I hope that you do too OP.

It's great that you rent - easier to leave.

Also really good that you have the option of staying at your mum's. Just childcare to sort out and you could go.

My friend left her DP over similar issues, after several ultimatums and broken promises, although she always kept money separate and he was verbally abusive too. Her main concern was him being in sole charge of DC during contact time. She had legal advice that even though he was often too incapacitated to care for their DC (she took dated photos of him passed out) he would probably get overnight contact. Once she left he didn't change and blamed her for his issues. she suggested he have his DC after school at least once a week (which fitted well with his work) and most of the day each Saturday. He accepted but usually took DC to his mums and to the pub on Saturdays. She refused to let him have the DC overnight, except at his parents' home, which he was angry about but never took her to court over. Maintenance was patchy. He continued to drink and smoke, and say he planned to stop, and in due course got together with a woman with similar substance problems. He still works but has been hospitalised several times with drinking injuries, one serious

She and her DC are fine.

Yes you could do it.

OP I am really pleased you are starting to get cross. You should. It also seems like you are starting to be ready to make a move, which I am glad of, because I'll be honest, reading the thread up until this point made me feel deeply sick. I too was horrified reading about your "lovely weekend", and that you have been conditioned to have such pathetically low expectations that his doing a bit of cooking and starting smoking at noon (!!) were things to be grateful for.

It's uncanny how much your H is recalling myusername's neglectful addict of a dad, isn't it?

You have to go. You know you do. And I'm sorry to be harsh and cruel, but I think you should prepare yourself for his not being shocked into getting clean when you do. Maybe he will get clean - for himself - down the line, but I think you need to start to prepare yourself for the idea that things have gone too far to be salvageable.

Such a sad post. I keep imagining a little girl without a winter coat that fits while her dad effectively sets light to 3 coats a week.

...a little girl without a winter coat that fits while her dad effectively sets light to 3 coats a week and her mother allows it

Yup.
I'm not getting the vibe that anything is going to change anytime soon. I hope I'm wrong.

You could stay with your Mum, organise childcare, continue to work and explore housing and any benefits you'd get.

Your DP might - or sadly much more likely not - change his ways and get help. He is clearly unwilling or unable to do so now, making tiny meaningless gestures like "maybe I'll see a GP" "maybe I'll give up tobacco" and you can't change or cure him, so your choices are to continue as you are, to the severe detriment of yourself and your DD, or leave.

Oh God, you are all breaking down my last wall of defences.

I'm so used to feeling like the good one (yes co dependent) that it really hurts to realise I'm as much of a problem.

sweets what promoted you to leave?

It sounds like some over inflated melodrama about the bloody coat situation, like some poor matchstick girl! It's really, actually awful isn't it? I would judge someone so harshly from the outside. It just doesn't feel like that when you're living it.
I've just been with my sister for a couple of days (hence not posting) and when I tried raising things with her she was entirely dismissive of it all. She and her DH and very affluent but he's as big a stoner as DP. Instead of a tiny balcony he has a few acres to fuck off and smoke in. She doesn't see it as a major issue as she's used to it.

For the first time I was very honest to her about the possibility of leaving. She thinks as I do (used to) he'd sort himself out and follow. She's suggested I get anger management

Red- I know I may have annoyed you previously but please please think about your lovely daughter. You sister won't see an issue because perhaps her husband deals with the drugs better? Or at least appears to?

Did you say that you can stay with your mum? What about that this weekend. Tell your dd it's a sleep over and get snacks etc to make it fun. Then you can have the time to think about what you want to say/do. Write it all down because when you get upset or annoyed you can often forget what you wanted to say ( well I do anyway)

Oh Red, family members telling you to stick with it is classic. She doesn't want to see it as an issue yet. If you leave and become happy that means she has to face up to having the same problem and the same options too, which is something she is avoiding seeing, just like you avoided the great big addiction elephant in the room.

If you truly care about your DH, you will leave him to have his rock bottom and hopefully start on the road to recovery.

Are there addiction issues in your family, OP?It just surprises me that you and your sister have both ended up with men that smoke weed heavily.

Your sister has her own problems and that will affect her advice.

Think you've mentioned before that friends and work are concerned about you - and work colleagues suggested you leave for a while. You might find support from friends rather than family, or organisations like Al Anon. And books on codependency and stuff - since money's an issue libraries have these.

You are not "as much of a problem" as your H: at present he is a big, big problem. You haven't been making good decisions, but can change that.

OP try not to think of yourself as the problem, but as the solution..

YOU can change things for you and your DD, and give yourselves a happy, fulfilling life. You, by leaving, can also give your DH the incentive to turn his life around and be the husband/father you both deserve. Whether he chooses that is up to him.

It's really hard to hear that your sister is in a similar situation (albeit in a more affluent setting). She won't support you in this as it will highlight the issues in her family life.

Go to your Mum's, at least for a few days, to have the space to make clear and thought out decisions.

Good luck.

2 things,
One was someone said to me, whatever you accept understand that you are setting DD's an example, they will accept lower.
The second was DD1 getting close to starting school. I started worrying about play dates, how could she have school friends over if he was there smoking weed as soon as he got in from work. Worse still, what if people could smell it, what if they simply wouldn't let their DC come over for tea. I didn't want that for DD's.
Might sound petty, but that was the straw that broke.

Thanks for all the advice. I tried to bear in mind, for the first time, that my sisters opinions might be clouded by her own issues. I've always listened to my family unquestioningly before now.

ellie We've got the usual troup of alcoholics in the family (hasn't every family ) but none particularly bad.

I'll keep on working though this.

No, not every family has alcoholics in it.

I think this is another example of how you've been desensitised to that things that are shocking to other people seem normal to you. If you grew up round lots of alcoholics I suppose it will make it harder to identify addiction as your DH's biggest problem.

No, not every family has alcoholics in it, that's quite an odd thing to say.

Don't your parents think it's strange that both you and your sister are in relationships with men who smoke a lot of weed? My family would be horrified.

No, my mum turns a blind eye and my Dad (very) occasionally joins them.
I was showing him the latest pics on the iPad last week and got a bit embarrassed trying to skim over one of dh skinning up. When I said 'oops drug pics' Dad laughed and said Fgs darling that's not drugs.... So yes I can see where my attitude may have stemmed from.

That's really very fucked up. No wonder your addiction alert senses are way off.

I really don't think it's a great idea to have pictures of your dh skinning up on your iPad. You need to keep strong and go to your parents. Don't minimise your dh' addictions, even if your parents don't think weed is that bad they don't know the extent of the problem so they can't judge.

You know there is a problem and that's enough, I've been in your situation before and it's normal to you now but when you remove yourself from the situation you will start to be horrified you ever let it get like this.

Oh dear god. This thread just gets worse.
Do you really mean to tell me that your family/support network enable all this and your family photos include your DH "skinning up"
You/your family are so screwed up it's beyond belief and I think there's zero to no chance of you making the changes your DD really needs to realise she's worth more than this and to not make the same mistakes in later life.
This is the most tragic thread I think I have ever read on MN.