My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Do you know how you would separate if that's what you decide?

After all, you already know what the outcome of your frank talk will be.

I have to say, I do wonder when you will ever find him completely sober so you can having this frank talk. You can't get sense out of someone who is stoned and drunk.

I'd hate to speak against him and upset him. Telling the truth isn't speaking against someone. Hiding the truth isn't supporting them. When a person has behaved badly then that person should be upset. That's what drives change.

Think about it in terms of children: imagine you never got cross with your child for bad behaviour because you couldn't bear to see them get upset, well you know where that would end up - Verruca Salt.

Your right rabbit. I've been far to easy on him for our whole relationship. I don't have much faith in my own opinion sometimes and also just tend to bury problems. I don't know how we'd separate. I'd be more inclined to leave the family home with dd and stay elsewhere than try to kick him out. Of course I'd hope it would be a very temporary thing that would shock him into sorting himself out. He's not stoned and definitely not drinking before 4-5ish most days and not at all till after work if he's doing evenings so there's plenty of times I could have the talk.

Please get advice. I would be very reluctant to leave the family home with a child. It may be for a short time but you've said he won't stop drinking and doing drugs. (He certainly seems to have no inclination to stop!) So it could well be permanent.
You and your DD deserve SOOOOO much more than this.

Are you married? Do you have a mortgage or do you rent? Whose name is the property in?

I do genuinely think it would be enough of a shock for him to get help. I don't feel deluded in believing that we are his world.

We rent. I've called him DP for anonymity (I think if anyone recognised me by now in RL they would have said) but we are actually married. We don't really own any assets between us. No house , no car, almost everything in the flat is mine.

I just know how it feels as a little girl to not understand the way things are and then that horrible shock when you do realise what's going on in your family home and the sadness and anger that your friends all have stuff you don't have, and their parents are happy and welcoming, you dread Christmas because you know how much it kills your mother inside there is no money, to see your grandparents trying to make up for it because they are so sad to see sad little disappointed girls who don't even have more than one pair of shoes (school shoes only till I was a teen), last years coat that doesn't fit. Being cold to save money. Being sent to bed to get rid of you. I could go on. As kids get older they get more complicated and demanding in new ways. They need emotional support and guidance not just learning to count and potty training, the real stuff that helps them become adults. If it's not right during this period of time then their teenage years and adulthood will be fraught and sad.

And before I get flamed It's not about having 'stuff' it's about going without to fund someone's addiction/poor choices. I'm far from well off now but what I do have is spent as a priority on ensuring my kids are well fed, well clothed, warm and happy, they don't get what's left over at the end of the week like I did

I'm sorry but you misunderstand the nature of addiction OP. He's told you he won't stop but you think you leaving temporarily will shock him into changing. When he says he won't change you need to believe him. He leaves. If he manages to sort himself out then maybe he comes home. Put your child first.

myuser of course you're not going to get flamed. You're describing your experience and I'm listening. Really listening. Too much of it is too similar. I've been putting dd in last years coat. You know how much a child grows from 2 to 3! A friend gave me her sons spare the other day. That's just embarrassing but I took it. I'm under strict instructions not to turn the heating on till it gets really cold and of course bedtime being whenever things become unmanageable. It's all to familiar and I genuinely thank you for sharing.

wolfie I'm just getting my head around the fact addiction, not depression is,probably behind all the issues. Please bear with me and know that I want to start putting dd first.

Oh my lovely there's nothing wrong in second hand stuff BUT being denied clothing and warmth because he wants to smoke and drink your money is SO not ok. What if your DD was in your shoes?

I do know. I can probably list you a whole load of other things you feel pretty terrible about. Sleeping in clothes was normal to me for years. As was eating terrible cheap food. I had never tried any foreign food or had a takeaway or even some popular fast food places till I was 14! And this may out me to anyone I have ever told but when I was left with him when my mum went to work he would take me to the pub for 6 hours and buy me one drink and one packet of crisps and if I cried to go home or was hungry he would tell me to shut up.

I felt sorry for my mum all the time when I was little as I saw how hard it was for her, the stress of money and trying to save for Christmas or birthdays and her trying to do nice things but as I got older I started to hate her for not wanting more for all of us. She still feels like she is a victim and I am still angry. I was the trapped one. I was so helpless and couldn't do anything to make things better or different.
The clothes thing got pretty bad, it was the main source of bullying for me.
Then when I was a teen I went totally off the rails drinking and didn't go to school half the time and messed up my education. And my parents were too wrapped up in their own issues to see mine.

I'd honestly hate it if she was in my shoes. I want her to have a full life where working as bloody hard as I do has some reward. I'm so tired. Everyone is worried about me and I've tried so hard to look after dd and DH but I'm just starting to crack now.

I mentioned this (in so many words) to him during an argument and asked why as the person who's supposed to love and care for me the most, is he the last to notice I'm so down and tired and stressed. Friends, family (his and mine ) and even colleagues are concerned but he doesn't see anything wrong and is fixated on his own hardships. Sometimes I feel like he puts me and dd second to his own feelings.

His hardships and yours should be shared, that's what a partnership is. When you can't share yours then what is left?

No. He puts you second to his addiction.
I may seem harsh and I feel like I'm being a broken record but my dad was an alcoholic and it was awful. It affects you in so many ways and buggers up what you view as normal.
Can you confide in anyone in RL?

Oh god! The 'well I did take her out whilst you were at work..... To our local'. Yes that'd be the local where you have the other "wholesome dads" snorting in the toilets FFS. He thinks he's great cos he'd never do that.
I'm starting to feel angry now. She doesn't deserve this.

If married, it is probably a good idea to take legal advice asap.

Why would you move out? Is it because you are scared that he would refuse to move out?

You probably won't want to hear this but there is an easy way to get him to leave. Tell him to leave until he gets clean. He refuses, of course, probably with lots of verbal thrown at you. You threaten to call the police if there are ever any drugs in the house ever from this moment on. And mean it. And do it. You call the police, possibly right then, they arrest, they call social services, SS won't let you let him back until he has proven that he is clean.

If you've called the police / social services yourself then that puts you in a very strong position with them from a child protection point of view. They really really want to help the parents who demonstrate that they will do the best for the child.

I think maybe you are so far in denial that the idea of calling the police on him for the drugs in your house seems outrageous. Think on that.

He doesn't care at all about material possessions although he's big on money. He grew up in overcrowding and poverty I didn't believe existed in this day and age. I had a happy stable upbringing.

I'm confiding more and more in RL. I feel like some sort of barriers been broken and now even my boss knows about (some) of the issues.

Yes, it does indeed seem outrageous, not to mentions deceitful. God knows why.

I'd move out because I hate our horrible flat and have plans to move nearer family anyway. My mum has said she's happy to have us live with her (as in all three of us, she knows nothing of the problems) till we get on our feet. I have an incredibly supportive, loving family.

Tell your mum!

The last four words you just wrote could be your saving grace. Let them support you and live the life you and DD deserve.

You have so much good in the future and so much good around you, don't be foolish not to take advantage of what could be such an amazing life for you and DD

I could do this couldn't i? Make it better and make him have to prove himself.

You could stay with your mum and have money for you and DD, you would still get tax credits and you have a job? You could even save up. You could go on holiday next year, give DD a lovely family Christmas with your family and enjoy a lovely warm house at your mums with nice food as I am sure she would spoil you, go and get DD a lovely little coat and go to the park every day, and enjoy your lives!