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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is it like being a child free couple?

159 replies

slowhoneybee · 17/10/2016 15:49

My partner and I have just bought house and are starting a life together. We have been together 5 years and are both now 40. Due to medical reasons and also a general mutual ambivalence about having kids it seems most likely that we won't have kids ever.

I'm not sad about this at all but I don't know any other child free couples I wonder how it is over the long term? It seems most couples date, move in marry, then at some point have children which gives a sort of structure to your life together for at least 20 years.

I'm curious what happens when you take kids out of the equation?

OP posts:
Kateallison16 · 20/10/2016 03:31

Honestly, it's pretty awesome.

We do what we want, when we want. There is always time for hobbies. I've decided to take up art again as one of my many hobbies and have sectioned off half our living room for it, just because I can.
Weekends we get up at like 10.30 - have some brunch and laze about in our pj's and do whatever the fuck we like all day. Baths are peaceful and all about lush bath bombs, wine and a good book... every night.

Best of all though its having your own headspace.
When my friends with kids come round they cannot hold a conversation.

"So then she- NO LEX PUT THAT DOWN! sorry, what was I saying?"

"It's alright. You were saying that she went and-"
"HOLD IT NICELY. - yeah she went to his and you will never guess- WHAT DID I SAY WOULD HAPPEN"

It's constant. They are here but they are not really here once kids come.
I don't know how they do it.

When I see them out I have to grab alright long glass of wine. I cannot imagine life being that way 24/7, to be fair you have to be some sort of Saint for motherhood.

FreshwaterSelkie · 20/10/2016 05:16

No chance of unplanned pregnancy here, as I had a hysterectomy. So though I'm only in my 40s, I'm definitely past child bearing. Isn't it interesting that some people find it difficult to accept that women without children can be happy? What about childfree men - can they be happy? (from those I know, the answer is yes, they can, and they take less stick for it).

I don't want to get in a fight about it, but it can get pretty wearing when people (here and IRL) want to poke endlessly at you with "yes, but are you SURE you're happy? What about when you're old? What if your husband dies? What then?". Like they really want you to crumble and wail "Oh god, you're so right, I've fucked it all up, haven't I?".

Sorry to disappoint Grin

GrinAndTonic · 20/10/2016 05:37

From reading elsewhere there is a difference between childfree (not wanting them ever) and childless (want them but can't have them).
My DH and I are childless. We are still trying but science isn't our friend it seems. We are looking at how our lives will be without children. We are the only couple in our friendship group (those who are older or married) who do not have children so that part of our social life is skewed. We are starting to look at what out life will be without children. We are planning a move overseas and buying more property and DH will start buying antiques Grin. It is not our choice to not have children but we are looking at the positives and that is having more money, spending more time together and doing more then what we could if we had children.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/10/2016 06:42

it can get pretty wearing when people (here and IRL) want to poke endlessly at you

Very wearing

I'm not quite sure why it's such a puzzle to some people - surely better, if you know you're not interested in being a parent, to not actually be one?

Oblomov16 · 20/10/2016 07:09

Agree with a lot of what had been written. The 'glue' idea is nonsense. The idea that you are going to be 'lonely' if you don't have kids Hmm

I think dh and I would have been extremely happy without kids. I can't wait for ours to grow up and move out.

RawPrawn · 20/10/2016 07:25

To a pp who asked about unplanned pregnancy: I was extremely careful about contraception until I was 29, when I got sterilized. For over two decades OH and I have had fantastic, worry-free sex. Some of us just know.

letsgomaths · 20/10/2016 07:31

One of my reasons for being childfree is that despite my very loving parents, I found it hard being a child: not understanding the world, being bullied, not fitting in well, always having to do what grown ups say. I often feel that I would not want to put someone through all that; the world feels like an increasingly hostile place to bring children into. I also feel that I have earned my adult independence by living through childhood, and have no intention of giving it up any time soon.

As for those who might say "childhood is so unfettered - you can play games, run around without a care in the world..." I actually feel I can do this more as an adult! As a child I thought playtime was always interrupted by having to go to bed when the grown ups say, to school, to church, you should be doing homework instead, etc. Whenever you did something fun as a child, you had to write about it afterwards. As an adult, you can set these "rules" yourself; and it's easier to anticipate them when they are set by someone else.

Interestingly, both my parents had older siblings who were childfree - as an oldest myself, I seem to be carrying on this tradition.

Having said all that, after seven years of being together, it seems that we do in a way feel a need to have a certain family "structure": we got married so as to have a sense of security, and we usually are up in the day and asleep at night - although we had loads of nights out in our early days, now we see them as disruptive to our routine. We are certainly not as "spontaneous" as we were seven years ago; we have developed annual routines of going to certain places, visiting certain people, and it feels very odd doing something different. Activities are usually planned and written in the diary a few days in advance, as they might be in a busy family household. So although we have absolutely no intention of having children, we almost structure our lives as if we did.

TheCatsBiscuits · 20/10/2016 07:53

My DH has nearly grown-up children; I don't have any. Together, in ourselves, we're a child-free couple although obviously he's always a dad to his kids, and I really value the much diluted 'parenting' experience I get by being in their lives. They're lovely teenagers. But I suppose the point I'm making is that he and I don't see each other as 'mum and dad', we don't judge each other on our parenting abilities or fall out over who shouted at who or who took whose side - our core relationship is just us, two adults. I'm not saying it's better, but it certainly takes an element of friction out of the equation.

MaidOfStars · 20/10/2016 12:58

Best of all though its having your own headspace
God yes.

I just listen to the chatter - the constant chatter - of children and, while it often amuses me in its content, the incessant stream of it would break me.

I can barely cope with the chatter in my head already, let alone something more demanding coming along Grin

have you never looked at your dh and thought I want to have a baby with you
Only because I think it might be nice if one of us died. Not a reason I'm going to take seriously into account.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 20/10/2016 13:40

I work in a busy office & while I love my job it can be quite full on.

If I'm going out after work that's different, but if I'm going home the only company I want is my cat.

bananamilkshake1 · 20/10/2016 17:56

I've read this thread with interest. I'm childfree - initially by circumstance more than anything else but in later years, through choice.

I never had an overwhelming desire to have children (other than a blip years ago when all our couple friends started having them) and was married to a man who said from the off that he didn't want children - ever.

I was fine with that & went into the marriage with my eyes open - we spent a number of happy years a having nice time pleasing ourselves & living a high old life when our friends were focussing on raising their families. The thing I struggled with was that in our peer group - we were the "odd ones out" for not having children. I had a lot of stick from my mother too.. Cheers mum.

When exh & I divorced some years later & I met DP, we did muse about whether we should try for children, but by then it would have meant huge changes in our lives and that, combined with our ages meant we didn't take the discussion further.

I am at peace with bring childfree, but DP isn't. We are lucky in that we're financially secure, can travel & have lovely times pleasing just us. I do have to remind DP of how lucky we are when he gets down because another person at work has asked what his children do...

SlowTrain · 20/10/2016 18:51

Working with children, education, pets, fostering, nieces and nephews, and general caring for others are all ways to release our 'nurturing' instinct. There are lots of people who need it, God knows. I salute single people and couples who take this route or similar spiritual path!

1947vintage · 20/10/2016 19:58

Having children makes no difference to loneliness. I have two and see them for a total of around 90 minutes a week when they both live less than a mile away.

Saying that though as my dad got old and cantankerous I grew to detest him so maybe they feel the same.

TH72727272 · 20/10/2016 20:00

I couldn't wait for mine to leave home! Non stop bickering between them for 20 years. So much more peaceful now.

PollyBanana · 20/10/2016 20:04

We spend most of our money on ourselves , a good amount is invested to ensure we can have adequate external care in our old age if we need it, and we give regular amounts to nephews and nieces to buy their affection!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 20/10/2016 20:33

Interesting how this will develop in the future. Since the Pill arrived, staying child-free is a viable choice for women. Families today don't need children in the same way that they used to.

I wonder if we're going to die out?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 20/10/2016 20:36

I have 2 kids. Reading this thread is agony. :)

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 20/10/2016 20:43

A lot of people still seem to want kids though, Whats.

I freely admit to having no maternal instinct whatsoever but most of my colleagues seem to either have kids or want them.

VilootShesCute · 20/10/2016 20:53

Stress free and liberating are the words that spring to mind if I hear child free. I know a few child free couples and they are happy and live very different lives to us. I obviously love my children but can also envy these families without them!

BonnieF · 20/10/2016 21:05

We are child free, by choice, which is obviously very different from being childless. People who wish to have children, but sadly can't, have my sympathy, of course.

In our experience, the biggest differences between us and our peer group who are parents is that we have both disposable income and free time. We both have hobbies which require significant amounts of time and money. We travel a lot, often spontaneously and usually in term time. Life is both comfortable and enjoyable.

The main downside is that my parents were very upset and disappointed by our decision not to provide them with grandchildren, and our refusal to either apologise for or feel guilty about it. They found this very difficult to accept, and still do, although they seem to have finally realised that it's our lives and that we won't be changing our minds to please them, or anyone else.

BonnieF · 20/10/2016 21:19

button - Of course. We are ULTRA careful.

gilded - No.

Minta85 · 20/10/2016 22:07

My husband and I are in our thirties and are child free by choice. I knew when I was a child myself that I didn't want children, and I also knew with equal certainty that I very much wanted pets in my life (I now have a gorgeous cat). I was very lucky to meet a man who was happy for us to be child free. Our life is probably more flexible than it would be if we had children, although we don't exactly have a crazy, party lifestyle! We do a lot of going for afternoon tea and driving out to different places, including lots of National Trust properties which have young families visiting.

Fortunately, my parents aren't in the least bit bothered about not becoming grandparents. They chose to be child free themselves for the first ten years of their marriage back in the 1970s and 80s, and it was only indirect peer pressure when other family members started having babies that led them to change their minds.

I think sometimes think that the real problem isn't that I don't have children, but that all the other women I meet do have them. Once women reach a certain age, they seem to bond over their children and common ground as mothers, and it's isolating not to have that instant connection and shared experience of a major life stage. I definitely think this is worse for women, as men don't bond over relationships in the same way. I feel sad that I may never again have a female peer group, as when I'm older all the other women will be talking together about their grandchildren. However, this isn't enough to make me change my mind; for me, being child free feels absolutely natural and right.

ShaunPaul · 21/10/2016 10:12

letsgomaths You're totally right. Me and DH were chatting about this the other day. I actually hated being a child. I didn't like children even when I was one. I found other children boring and annoying. I didn't understand a lot of the conventions of life but didn't have the freedom to do what I wanted. I felt as though my parents thought me stupid when they would try to keep things secret from me (like my dad's conviction for GHB and drink driving, like my parents massive rows) even though I totally understood the score.

My mum was a big fan of saying that school days are the best days of your life and that I would realise it one day. I completely disagree. They were the worst days of my life. I feel like my life now is the best its ever been and is getting better each year. I'm healthy, I like my job, I have a great house, I have lots of money, I have lots of freedom. For me, children would ruin that.

For PP asking about unplanned pregnancies. I had one a few years ago and terminated. Justifying that to various medical practitioners was horrible, patronising and offensive. I was treated as though I didn't know my own mind. In all honesty, the termination itself wasn't traumatic (early medical abortion) and the decision to do it wasn't really a decision at all. For me, being pregnant and deciding to have a termination was like getting a cold and deciding to buy some Hall Soothers. That sounds flippant but there was absolutely nothing else I would have done in that situation, it wasn't a decision to make.

As for the PP asking if I ever look at DH and think I want a baby with you, to create something together. No. We have created something together, our life, our happiness. I don't want to bring another human into an already over-populated world just because I want to have a tangible thing that DH and I have created. It's not even like me and DH have got fantastic genetics that just have to be passed on. Maybe if he was Joel Kinnaman...

Lottapianos · 21/10/2016 10:24

'I feel like my life now is the best its ever been and is getting better each year'

I feel exactly the same. I am getting much happier as I get older, largely due to lots of therapy and getting to know myself better. I have had to work very hard to find happiness and stability and I am beyond grateful that I live what is by and large a very stable contented life.

Its very brave of you to talk about your termination in such pragmatic terms. I remember reading Caitlin Moran's account of her abortion in 'How To Be A Woman' (she had 2 children already) and being blown away by her honesty and absolute refusal to feel guilty about it. The more women who share their positive abortion stories, the lesser the stigma hopefully. I have never had an abortion myself, but that's only because I've never found myself pregnant, and I'm grateful on a very regular basis that I haven't had to make that choice.

Creating a life with someone else is not easy and it doesn't happen by magic. Its definitely something to be proud of.

amusedbush · 21/10/2016 10:36

We are only 26 but we've been together our whole twenties, we got married in April and we are totally on the same page about where we see our lives going. I decided when I was about 14 that I didn’t want kids, DH’s decision was more recent (a couple of years ago, I’d say) but he never felt strongly either way. I’m very career-minded and we spend every spare penny travelling and enjoying ourselves. I bloody love my life and would be a terrible mother. I have AS and am a massive introvert, and the notion of giving up my space for a child who totally depends on me breaks me out in a cold sweat.

I’ve always said I’d rather not have a kid and regret it, than have one and regret it.

Currently it’s condoms because I’ve tried literally every option available on the NHS and everything makes me violently sick or a fat, bald, spotty psycho. I’ve asked about sterilisation and my GP said to come back when I’m 30 and he’ll refer me.

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