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Original poster

What is it like being a child free couple?

159 replies

slowhoneybee · 17/10/2016 15:49

My partner and I have just bought house and are starting a life together. We have been together 5 years and are both now 40. Due to medical reasons and also a general mutual ambivalence about having kids it seems most likely that we won't have kids ever.

I'm not sad about this at all but I don't know any other child free couples I wonder how it is over the long term? It seems most couples date, move in marry, then at some point have children which gives a sort of structure to your life together for at least 20 years.

I'm curious what happens when you take kids out of the equation?

OP posts:
FreshwaterSelkie · 19/10/2016 18:42

another contentendly child free couple here. Definitely agree with rawprawn, lottapianos and shaunpaul and the others - it should just be seen as another, normal, choice. But it is a bit telling that even on this thread, asking for stories from people like us, there are still people devalueing that experience. Parents, nobody here is doing down your choices by being happy about their own lives.

As for me/us, we're just happy as we are. There's no big drama, no dancing till dawn or driving through Paris in convertibles. But we have the time, money and freedom to please ourselves more than we would if we had children, and that is really valuable to me.

I don't worry that I'll be lonely when I'm older, because I have more time to put into networks and friendships and hobbies and pursuits that will provide for me in old age. Lots of eggs in lots of baskets now, to bear fruit later (along with mangled metaphors).

The one thing I do object to is the requirement that some people feel that if you haven't had children you must have some other huge focus or project in life - like work. I don't. I'm just me, doing my thing and that's enough. There's no gap that needs filling.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2016 19:07

I didn't want children until about a year after I got married at the age of 32. By that time I had already done all the studenty-type behaviour a pp mentioned as a perk of being child-free and I was ready for the next chapter in my life. But that was right for me - I have absolutely no opinion about what others choose to do in this respect.

Lottapianos · 19/10/2016 19:11

'Detached house, side of a hill, middle of nowhere.'

No children AND no neighbours? That really is bliss!

FreshwaterSelkie · 19/10/2016 19:18

I can only speak for myself, but I think some parents have quite a lot of misconceptions about later life with no kids. One parent friend rang me up the other weekend at around 9.30 am and started the phone call by saying "I hope I didn't wake you!" I was like Hmm "No, I've been up since 6.30". I think she thought that anyone without children lies in bed till noon at the weekend. Whether that's what she wishes she could do, or if she thinks that everyone without children still has the life of a twenty something, I dunno!

I also live in a house on a hill and my nearest neighbours are about 100 metres away. Bliss. I agree with the PP who commented on being an introvert - that is the part of family life that i would have found the most trying - I need a lot of alone time that mums just don't seem to get, and I really don't think I would have done well with that.

Snotlynn · 19/10/2016 19:26

Echoing what all the other people said:it's bliss.

I feel no need to justify myself to the people who chose to be parents, on here, or IRL, yes we do know what we're 'missing', your kids won't look after you when you're old so don't worry about me, we are the opposite of selfish, and mumsnet is a rare site that has mostly women posting interesting stuff, threads about wiping arses etc are easily avoided. HTH

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2016 19:28

I have a lot of alone time as my DH works away so much. Now my DC are teenagers that means I am frequently the only person in the house all evening.

selkie, pp on here have talked a lot about having long lie-ins without children so maybe they're the ones who perpetuate the myth!

Costacoffeeplease · 19/10/2016 19:35

I can only imagine an middle and old age without children to be quiet.

I certainly hope so - I'm 51, middle aged and love the quiet of an empty house (I work from home, my husband works away quite a bit) and doing, eating etc, what and when I want

Years ago I used to go to friends' houses with young children, and the noise Shock I used to wonder, when does that become acceptable to you?? Then I'd walk back into my nice quiet house with just the dogs to greet me, a blessed release

Those children are now lovely young adults, beautiful, charming, intelligent, a credit to their parents. I still wouldn't swap places

Aquasport · 19/10/2016 20:04

I definitely don't feel that childless couples in any way need to justify themselves, I don't even see why it is a choice that needs to be explained. So many people rush into having kids I think yet the people without them have probably given it good consideration.

gildedcage · 19/10/2016 20:24

Costa - exactly. I love being in the thick of it. I imagine when our children are totally grown and flown the nest it's what I'll miss most, the hubbub. Like a pp and the house on the hill, no one for miles. Sounds isolated to me. But we are all individuals if we were all alike it would be boring.

As a parent, I can only hope that I am raising my children to make, and live by their own choices.

Buttonmoonb4tea · 19/10/2016 20:36

Can I just ask the child free through choice individuals who are part of a couple, did you factor in unplanned pregnancy into your decision?

Hullygully · 19/10/2016 20:55

We are all different.

I think having kids/not having kids both have pluses (and inevitable minuses)

But can we just vary the adjective from "bliss?"

ToastDemon · 19/10/2016 21:00

Button we did factor in unplanned pregnancies. I would have a termination.

SweetChickadee · 19/10/2016 21:15

Unplanned pg? Yes it would mean a termination. Being quite sure you don't want to be pg makes you very careful with contraception.

gildedcage · 19/10/2016 21:16

Out of curiosity, the couples that chose never to have children, have you never looked at your dh and thought I want to have a baby with you. To create something that is part of us both.

I only say that as I only ever wanted to have babies with my dh. As opposed to have them from a purely maternal urge...if that makes sense?

Queenoftheblues · 19/10/2016 21:17

for me there are no minuses to being childless. I don't worry about their health, safety, future, bullying, drug use, education, choice of partner. I don't get irate over toys on stairs, matching up socks, school runs, tantrums, childcare. A possible minus is I will never know the overwhelming love that parents talk about. But I don't know any different so why would I miss it?

SweetChickadee · 19/10/2016 21:19

have you never looked at your dh and thought I want to have a baby with you

No - I've never thought I want to have a baby with anyone, because I don't want a baby, IYSWIM

One of our reasons was we have always been so happy, the two of us, that we didn't want someone else 'getting in the way'. That may sound heartless but if you're not at all broody that's how it feels.

Queenoftheblues · 19/10/2016 21:20

Gilded cage I had that feeling only once but it was not overwhelming enough for me to act on it. Thank god I didn't. What a tool he turned out to be.

ToastDemon · 19/10/2016 21:28

SweetChickadee we're the same. We don't want another person living with us and getting in the way of it being the two of us.
I don't even really understand the whole wanting to create another person that a mix of the two of you. I feel like we've already created our relationship, our marriage, so that would be entirely superfluous and unwanted.

Lottapianos · 19/10/2016 21:56

Yes, I have desperately wanted a baby with my partner. I still have moments of feeling very jealous of friends who have children. I have a very difficult and distant relationship with my parents and siblings and part of me would dearly have loved a family of my own. The bigger part of me, however, knows that I would not cope with the relentless reality of parenthood. So it's a highly complex, intensely personal issue. In some ways, I envy people who always knew that children were not for them and suffered no angst over the decision. I have been crippled by angst over the decision at times, even if I feel ultimately very grateful that I don't have children

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 19/10/2016 21:57

Interestingly no one has posted past child-bearing age that has regretted not having children.
I have known a lot of women over the years who have deeply regretted not having children, and the sadness is always there deep down.
I know if I had been one of those women the pain would have always cut too deep and I really do empathise with them.

ToastDemon · 19/10/2016 22:03

I'm not quite past child-bearing age but I'm not far off. I'm 41 just now.
KeepCool these women, I take it they could sadly not have children as they wished, rather than not actually wanting any?

ToastDemon · 19/10/2016 22:05

I think Costa said she is 51 actually, is that old enough to count as past child-bearing age?

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 19/10/2016 22:21

43 here so I'm getting to post-childbearing age. I'm single and childfree and know it's absolutely right for me.

My friends are all either childfree or have adult kids so we can get together on impulse without needing to worry about childcare.

I changed career a couple of years ago to something I'm finding fascinating & I have the time & space for training & developing.

I can get out where, as and when I want, whether that's for a 10-mile walk or to visit obscure museums, or on a wet Sunday afternoon I can hole up on the sofa with a pile of books and the cat.

I know it wouldn't work for everyone and I'm not a couple, but for me it's perfect.

Costacoffeeplease · 19/10/2016 23:52

Yes i'm 51, just, and 4 years post hysterectomy- so def post child bearing - phew Grin

Costacoffeeplease · 19/10/2016 23:54

No, no-one here seems to have regretted their decision to be child free - isn't that great?