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Original poster

What is it like being a child free couple?

159 replies

slowhoneybee · 17/10/2016 15:49

My partner and I have just bought house and are starting a life together. We have been together 5 years and are both now 40. Due to medical reasons and also a general mutual ambivalence about having kids it seems most likely that we won't have kids ever.

I'm not sad about this at all but I don't know any other child free couples I wonder how it is over the long term? It seems most couples date, move in marry, then at some point have children which gives a sort of structure to your life together for at least 20 years.

I'm curious what happens when you take kids out of the equation?

OP posts:
Queenoftheblues · 18/10/2016 16:44

No shit stains in the loo, time to ourselves, spontaneity, more cash to indulge ourselves, no clutter, no anxiety, freedom, more focus on each other, able to have a screaming row without worrying the kids will hear, shagging all over the house when we want, four holidays a year, great social life. I could go on. Very much in love and this is the happiest time in our life.

Lottapianos · 18/10/2016 16:55

Being childfree is great and I would really recommend it if you feel it might be for you. I've struggled massively with ambivalence in the last few years but am settling down now and feeling more and more grateful to be childfree.

I'm glad other posters have said that we don't all go on five star holidays and drive fast cars! DP and I have a quiet steady kind of life and that suits us both. We are financially pretty secure and are paying off the mortgage early. We can do pretty much anything we fancy at weekends. Our home is always clean and quiet. We have plenty of time for hobbies. We get as much sleep as we need, which in my case is a lot! Some evenings I get home and because DP is cooking, the only thing I have to do is my nails!

There's no guarantee for any of us, parents or not, that we won't be lonely in years to come. Within not very many years, children will have their own lives and interests and will not want to be hanging around mum and dad all the time. It's up to all of us to create a fulfilling life for ourselves and to take responsibility for our own happiness as much as possible

Costacoffeeplease · 18/10/2016 17:20

I also manage to avoid the parenting sections fairly successfully, but there's plenty to read in chat, tv, radio, books, s&b, Aibu, relationships, travel - none of which requires parenting experience

moreslackthanslick · 18/10/2016 18:17

I find it strange that a pp said that it's odd that there is no artificial glue (children) holding cf couples together. IME the arrival of children seem to put relationships under huge strain and you also see it on these boards.

Anyway, happily child free, semi retired at 40 with a paid off mortgage, both working part time in non stressful jobs along with an Internet business (forum), came back from a holiday yesterday - worked out we have spent 41 nights away from home so far this year. Never fancied having kids, never fancied learning to drive either though!

We have a nice life, I'm not saying those with kids don't but it's never been an appealing option to me.

poeticsoftea · 18/10/2016 19:42

I find it a bit odd that this question is specifically asking about being a childfree couple and people with children are still coming on and saying they wouldn't have wanted to miss out on having children and that the OP will regret not having any.

The OP mentions that there are also medical issues that are preventing her from having kids and she is obviously looking for reassurance about a life without them. I think it is just a tiny bit insensitive of those posters when the OP isn't asking "should I have kids or not" but about a childfree life as a couple!

I have kids and love them to bits but I would have been just as happy, perhaps more so without them just would have been different.

moreslackthanslick · 18/10/2016 20:11

Forgot To add we work cos we want to (tried living off the business which while it worked financially it was boring! We are both very sociable) and can't holiday all the time as we have dogs. That's enough commitment! 😂😂😂

BarbarianMum · 18/10/2016 20:14

On of my school friends is half of a child-free couple. Where as dh and I have children, they have extensive travel, frequent evenings and meals out and long lie-ins on Sundays. They are also planning to retire early and travel some more.

We are both happy with our choices.

imonthelist · 18/10/2016 21:21

I had kids and couldn't imagine not having them but if I had to do it again I might not have any. Sounds harsh but for most couples having kids really changes your relationship in a fundamental way and not really for the better. It is nice to feel like a team and that you are both invested in building the family but it just never ends. I think some people find this more satisfying but I think I enjoyed it more between the two of us before we had kids and I know a lot of people who feel the same, even after they fly the nest its hard to get the feelings back.

Aquasport · 18/10/2016 21:56

I have to say my own relationship is unrecognisable from pre DC and not in a good way. I'm not sure we will last til they go to uni, I hope we do, but like a pp I'm not sure I would have made the same choices Sad

imonthelist · 18/10/2016 22:04

Horrible isn't it Aqua, love my kids but am feeling a bit jealous of all the childfree couples at the moment. Having kids is so hard on a marriage and very hard not to lose each other.

Aquasport · 18/10/2016 22:07

V hard Sad

MagikarpetRide · 18/10/2016 22:12

One of our neighbours are a child free by choice couple. They don't understand why we have all tied ourselves to the hell of kids. Sometimes I think they have a point Grin But they genuinely love each other, have wonderful holidays, have invested wisely in a good home and don't struggle financially despite having not particularly well paid jobs.

imonthelist · 18/10/2016 22:17

Childfree couples seem to be on to something Sad Envy

cosmicglittergirl · 19/10/2016 07:07

I've been thinking about this a lot recently and I'm in the throes of bringing up two toddlers and working part time. I have a number of friends who don't have children by choice and they (seem) to have the time and money to travel, eat undisturbed and in a setting of their choosing, sleep in at weekends and not live amid clutter. I must admit I'm envious a lot of the time. Some of them have mused whether to have kids and I've said if you value those things think carefully. I look back on my child free days with some nostalgia.

DeliveredByKiki · 19/10/2016 07:26

god this thread is so depressing (speaking as a mother!), I never really considered not having children, and had them fairly young....all this talk of great careers (never mind the lie ins) is making me so jealous and resentful

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2016 07:29

My sister is child-free, not by choice.

On the surface she has far more freedom than I do, she and her DH own two expensive properties, have lovely holidays and there seems to be no limit to what they can do in their spare time. She is extremely successful in her job and has achieved some amazing things which have led to world-wide recognition in her field.

But I wouldn't swap with her if my life depended on it. I can't imagine life without my wonderful children.

Brokenbiscuit · 19/10/2016 07:33

I know a number of child free couples, mostly in their mid/late fifties. I don't know any of them well enough to know whether they were childless by choice. They mostly seem very happy, and they lead full, interesting lives.

RawPrawn · 19/10/2016 07:52

Childfree couples seem to be on to something sad envy

Not having children is hugely undersold as a positive, fulfilling way to live. I'm quite evangelical about it.

cosmicglittergirl · 19/10/2016 08:01

I think it's good child free people are speaking about their life; it helps everyone make an informed choice and reduces the ridiculous stigma that can still surround not having children.

Budgiebonbon · 19/10/2016 08:05

We are child free & have been together for 15 yrs.

I won't lie and say remaining child free was the easy choice and at times when friends have been showing off squishy new borns or photos on a FB motherhood challenge I have occasionly felt a bit of a painfull stab. We have probably thought more about being child free than some people think about having children.

But I know it is the correct choice for both of us. We do a lot together, talk into the night, get up when we want, go for spontaneous days out, go on touring holidays, have film nights. We are financially secure, paid the mortgage off, we have a relatively quiet & calm house & both do time consuming hobbies.(sadly not tidy Blush)

I know that we would both emotionally and physically not be able to cope with the needs of children. We love being godparents to my friends children and being actively involved as Auntie & Uncle. I hope that we can bring something a little different to their upbringing as well.

Lottapianos · 19/10/2016 09:19

'Not having children is hugely undersold as a positive, fulfilling way to live'

Could not agree more RawPrawn. I'm very much in favour of childfree living being promoted and celebrated at every opportunity. It needs to be presented as a real alternative to parenthood. Most people will probably still choose parenthood but it would hopefully go some way to discourage people who go for parenthood because 'its what you do'

Tagetes · 19/10/2016 09:29

I don't think my life is in any way special without children (by choice but it was never a big issue). Perhaps we have been doing it wrong? We still have health issues, job stress, family dramas, elderly parents that will eventually need care. OK so maybe a bit more disposable income but a limited amount of leave means I can't go swanning off every time I feel like it. I do as little DIY as possible and don't have any exotic hobbies. We do have a very child-unfriendly garden and never had to factor in school choices when we moved - does that count?

voluptuagoodshag · 19/10/2016 09:38

Rawprawn that did make me laugh. I do have kids and would have made the exact same face. Same goes with folk talking about their pets (I also have a pet but wouldn't want to bore the tits of folk in a meeting talking about it).

CurlySusanFox · 19/10/2016 09:40

I'm childfree and i may have been lonely at 59 even if I had kids because there is no guarantee they will like you

ShaunPaul · 19/10/2016 10:24

Rawprawn and Lottapianos I completely agree with you both. Not having children should be absolutely celebrated as a positive, legitimate and fulfilling life choice. Women (because most child-free bullshit is about women) who choose not to have children shouldn't be pitied, treated with suspicion or written off as uncaring and selfish. I've found myself being all of these things.

DH has said that when he was growing up his parents always thought people without children by choice were really weird. Such a horrible opinion to have.

I also think that women who choose not to have children need to be loud and proud about their reasons. My mum often blatantly lies about me not having children being because I'm dedicated to my career. This sits more comfortably with most people than the truth which is that I'm not bothered about my job, I just don't like children and can't imagine anything worse than having some in my life.