What is it like being a child free couple?

[slowhoneybee]

My partner and I have just bought house and are starting a life together. We have been together 5 years and are both now 40. Due to medical reasons and also a general mutual ambivalence about having kids it seems most likely that we won't have kids ever.

I'm not sad about this at all but I don't know any other child free couples I wonder how it is over the long term? It seems most couples date, move in marry, then at some point have children which gives a sort of structure to your life together for at least 20 years.

I'm curious what happens when you take kids out of the equation?

Yes this lifestyle should be flagged as a positive choice. Some of us are simply not parent material and no amount of peer pressure could have made me have a child. I love children in small doses. I admire all parents for their strength amidst the drudgery as well as good times. i am 53. Over the last year people have guessed my age at 27, late 30s, 42. I firmly believe this is due to lack of stress. When I was 45 I looked my age due to the stress of an abusive relationship. Looking young is not my priority but living life my way is my whole aim. My life is not perfect, health condition which ironically pregnancy may have cured but it is not a life to be feared.

It's blissful

ShaunPaul, I think some people still think all of those things about childfree folks. I find some (by no means all) parents get very prickly indeed when you say you are childfree and planning to stay that way - interesting reaction. Says a lot about their own relationship with parenting

Lottapianos I totally agree. I think some parents see it as a judgement on their life decisions. It's not, they've done what they wanted and I'm doing what I want.

Another child free couple here. Together eight years, married coming up for six.
It's given us a lot more freedom with our life choices. My DH was able to leave a job that was making him miserable and go freelance. He is now a lot happier and we're a lot better off. A colleague of his, equally miserable, would have been unable to take on the frequent travel and lack of routine of a freelance career in that industry as his wife works and they have two small children.
We've recently spent a year abroad for DH work. We then moved back but to a totally different part of the UK just because we fancied it. I've been able to take a couple of years off work to complete a degree.
I'm not saying these things would have been impossible with children but they would have been very difficult.
That's the practical side, but the best part for me is the emotional side. Eight years in and we're still really in love. We're best friends. When we discussed not having children, the biggest factor for both of us was that we'd get to have each other to ourselves, put each other first and love each other best.
I don't feel like I'd ever be lonely or that my life would be empty - I've got him. I can't describe how happy that makes me.

'they've done what they wanted '

That's the issue though isn't it. I'm not sure how many people actually do go into parenthood with their eyes open, having made a fully informed choice about what they are doing.

Shaun Paul I love your honesty. I got called a career girl too. I wasn't although I enjoyed my job. I've just always enjoyed a lot of me time and I could never have given that up. My partner finally realised at age 37 he never wanted kids. He previously thought he simply hadn't met the right woman. He was relieved to meet me - a woman who never wanted them and was past bearing them.

Lottapianos That's very true. I guess having children isn't really thought of as a decision whereas not having children is. I think most people assume you/they will have children because that's what you do rather than making an active decision to do so.

Some of the threads on here about parenting are eye-opening and really cement my belief that being a parent is most definitely not for me.

Ironic that childfree women are so often assumed to have focussed instead on their careers. Not having children has freed me up to NOT focus so much on a career (although I've always worked - some good jobs, some not so good).

Fewer responsibilities at home mean you're less likely to get trapped in a job you hate, or get stuck on the career treadmill ladder. Both OH and I have (at different times) taken a gamble and quit jobs we hated with nothing to go to - because we could, and only had our own mouths to feed. And both times it worked out well, perhaps because there was no sense of panic.

My naturally lazy disposition was one of the main reasons I didn't have a family. There's no point in dodging one responsibility only to take on a load more .

I must say I'm surprised by the numbers of childless couples patting each other on the back for being childress, on a website designed principally for parents.

Live and let live I say. I frankly couldn't care less if people decide not to have children and certainly in professional circles this is not uncommon. What I do take exception to however is the view that people have children not having their "eyes wide open".

Frankly there will be as many people who find themselves childless by circumstance as those who become accidental parents.

I have read some of the comments on here and felt some of you feel slightly sorry for us and the sheer drudgery of parenthood. Some comments are slightly condescending.

For me my children are my greatest achievement. Yes sometimes it is challenging but I can say safely that whenever I've travelled etc the people I've missed most are my children.

For what it's worth I was the eldest of a large family. I always knew what I was getting into but did it anyway.

I can only imagine an middle and old age without children to be quiet.

I must say I'm surprised by the numbers of childless couples patting each other on the back for being childress, on a website designed principally for parents.

Great, isn't it? There are so few places where people can talk honestly and openly about the joy that not having children brings without attracting condemnation, judgement, impertinent theorising........oh.

I can only imagine an middle and old age without children to be quiet.

It IS quiet, yes. It's lovely. I like quiet

Gilded, it may seem strange that there are so many people without children on MN but, as has been well discussed previously, there is tons of interesting content on MN which has nothing to do with parenting.

You sound like someone who has really enjoyed parenting and been very fulfilled by it. I'm happy for you. I honestly mean that. However it's clearly not the case for everyone and some of us are glad that we didn't go down that path. And some people do go into parenthood without a single clue what is involved and no motivation to learn either. I speak from experience - I work with parents in a professional capacity. Theres still huge pressure to become a parent especially if you're a woman, and I think that positive discussion of a childfree life is good for everyone. Like I say, most people will still choose to be parents, but I would like it to be an actual choice for everyone,not something you fall into by accident

Agreed, Lotta.

Reliable contraception has been available for half a century. It's time that having children stopped being seen as the default (especially for women).

Not having children is a choice that affects no one but the choosers - the stakes are low.

Having children because it's just what's expected affects the children born of that lack of thought and consideration. And that's at the root of so much human misery. The stakes are massively high. If in doubt - better not to gamble, surely?

I started young before I had settled into adulthood.
I know no different but could imagine if I hadn't had my family young I may not have had them at all!

I have 4
If it wouldn't be completely insensitive I would advise them to have less kids
It's a hard slog at times and the repetition of child rearing is exhausting.
I'd have had enough in one teenager but I've got 3

My older brother & his wife have none. Thry have patiently traveled the world and build up careers, hobbies and friendships waiting for us to be done with nappies, hormones & poverty.
We go out together quite often and they have more to say than us.

For those child free people on mumsnet, please be sensitive to our misfortunes when posting.
Quite a few of us would love more sleep,energy,time,money.......

My husband and I are happily child-free (by choice, although we've never tested our options in that arena).

We have five star holidays. We have a fast car. We stay up dancing until 5 am with the music cranked up proper loud. We eat and drink when we feel like it where we feel like it. We lie in bed all day if we want. We go out biking, running or walking, together or apart, without any forward planning.

It's ace.

We stay up dancing until 5 am with the music cranked up proper loud.

I bet you're popular with your neighbours.

Raw I haven't judged anyone though for not having children. One of my dearest friends is childless. As I say live and let live.

I feel judged as ignorant for choosing to have children.

I imagine there are pros and cons to both. As you say you love quiet. I would hate it. Horses for courses. But no one's choices are less valid.

I suppose the issue is that people fall into having children by default without thinking about why or what the impact will be on their life. As a pp said contraception has been available for a long time to stop women having children they don't want.

All I can say is that mine are ace and I love it. I imagine however that my lovely friend feels as though she's been released when she leaves here

I suppose also that I had my children later. We had been married for a while, had (and still do) lovely child free holidays etc. I'd finished my training etc so perhaps that makes a difference

I'm bloody glad my (feisty, independent) mum never embraced the Childfree By Choice movement!

I never embraced that movement either. I just never felt the desire for children so I never had any.

My SIL and BIL are a child free couple. SIL has complex medical problems which would have made having children difficult.

They have been married for over 25 years.

The they both have high powered careers and looking to semi retirement in the next few years when they are 50 ish.

They do however love having nieces and nephews over to stay etc just that their own DC for them, wasn't an option.

I only have the one child and no partner and I think actually I have the best of both worlds. The idea of living with someone forever scares the life out of me although I am quite gregarious.
I have loved the freedom to work and parent as I chose although more money would have been nice. Parenting has never stopped me sleeping or going on holiday either quite frankly, although possibly I have skewed priorities.
I do have a growing number of child free friends and they do have a good social life. I think that's because they can be bothered though.
What I'm saying is that being childfree will work as well as you want it too really.

I bet you're popular with your neighbours
Detached house, side of a hill, middle of nowhere.

Didn't need to check the quality of local schools when we moved here either

I also think being childfree means you don't lose yourself in the relationship and maintain more of your independence.

I love my DP and we have a fab life together without children. However, I also have a strongly knit group of female friends (also childfree) with whom I socialise weekly, go on annual holidays with and have an existence with that doesn't necessarily involve my partner.

I also pursue hobbies by myself as I'm an introvert and value time alone on my bike or hiking.

I've noticed that many of my friends with children don't really have that. Their free time is spent doing family stuff, or snatched drinks and cinema trips such as those they spend with me.

They don't seem to have much of a life outside of being a mum and wife.