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Original poster

My cousin has died and his wife has forbidden our family to attend funeral

157 replies

Wildwillow · 05/10/2016 16:46

Unbelievable though this sounds the wife of my first cousin has expressly stated that none of his blood family will be welcome at his funeral. He died earlier this week after a three year short battle with cancer, he was 57.

We have not been close in recent years, and I guess she somehow feels resentful that we did not move to Norfolk to support them, but being divorced with 3 kids put rather a claim on my time. She has never enjoyed a close relationship with my aunt (her MIL) for which I would put blame on both parties. However to now try and forbid my aunt to attend the funeral of her own son seems pretty diabolical. My parents and my brother have all said that we would like to attend, this is for one of the closest relations that we grew up with. But neither do I want to create a scene like something from a soap opera. What on earth do we do? I can live without going for my own part (although I would like to) but it seems quite inhuman to try to refuse a mother a place at her childs funeral. What do we do??

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/10/2016 12:50

Is this the new normal now where a mother should not attend her son's funeral? Wicked behaviour.

Is it theasy new normal that a mother doesn't see her son when he is terminally ill?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2016 13:10

There is a world of difference between attending the funeral of a relative that you haven't seen in some time but with whom there are no ill feelings and attending the funeral of a relative who has chosen to go NC with you/the family and whose widow(er) has specifically said they do not want you there.

I don't get the feeling that OP or the deceased's mother want to attend the funeral to 'heal the breech' or 'support the grieving widow'. It's too late for that now anyway.

JeanGenie23 · 09/10/2016 13:38

Derxa- it is if she hasn't seen him for 15yrs and offered no support as her son was dying.

Ausernotanumber · 09/10/2016 15:18

I also want to say. 3years battling cancer isn't short. My mother battled 2 - it was the longest 2 years f my life.

culpa · 09/10/2016 15:47

We don't know why his mother had little contact during the illness-did she stay away by choice or was she told to stay away. I don't think even OP knows who has been difficult in the past (whether it was the deceased mother or wife or both). His mother is now 85 so she couldn't have offered physical help anyway. I think its unkind to ban her from the funeral but I still wouldn't attend if the widow is adamant about it. Perhaps see whether the vicar/priest/whoever can mediate-otherwise stay away and offer as much support as you can to your Aunt.

limitedperiodonly · 09/10/2016 19:32

His mother is now 85 so she couldn't have offered physical help anyway.

You'd be surprised culpa . I was in hospital for six weeks and my 89-year-old mum made the hour journey there and back every day.

The key differences may have been that my mum was Wonder Woman and I wanted her there

Waltermittythesequel · 09/10/2016 20:01

It might not be unkind to ban her.

She might have been a raging bitch to her son. We don't know.

Her child had cancer for three years and she didn't even send a note. That's telling, IMO.

sandragreen · 09/10/2016 20:08

I do not think you should attend. I suspect from what you have said, many of us here would not want your aunt or other members of the family to attend this funeral.

culpa · 09/10/2016 20:52

That's right walter-we don't know. She might have been a raging bitch. Conversely the widow might have been a raging bitch who wouldn't let her near..or again they may just have clashed. It may be cruel to keep her away, it may not. Still probably best not to attend but we can't make assumptions.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/10/2016 21:20

If my husband's family hadn't bothered with him for the duration of his sickness, even if we'd been estranged before then, then I would find it hypocritical in the extreme for them to come to his funeral and play about being in mourning.

They gave up the right to be there when they didn't bother their arses even attempting to get in touch for the duration of his illness, IMO.

Obviously his wife feels something similar to have banned them. And I don't think gate-crashing her husband's funeral to save face or because they feel like they have a right to be there is a particularly decent thing to do.

Quintessing · 09/10/2016 21:34

Why do you need to go to his funeral?

avoid confrontation of any sort and how best to support a grieving mother and grieving widow in conflict with each other.

You stay away. That is how you do both.
The widow will neither want nor need your support.

15/20 years is a long time. You were not part of eachothers lives, none of you. Cant see what business you have at his funeral.

If his own mum has not been in touch for 15 years, and he was ill with cancer for the last three, she has sort of forfeited her "right" to attend his funeral.

DistanceCall · 10/10/2016 00:46

The point of a funeral is that all those who loved the deceased - not only close relatives - can say goodbye. I can understand banning relatives if they had mistreated the deceased, or if the deceased had gone NC with them. But other than that, there really is no excuse - even if you don't get on with people, you should let them paying their last respects to the deceased.

So yes, unless the deceased had gone NC with his mother or she had behaved unspeakably badly to him, I think the OP should support her and attend the funeral (or at least take her there).

Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 08:59

Also. Reading op posts.

The mother has not been banned. The rest of the family have.

And. The op admits a move hundreds of miles was an attempt to put physical distance from the family by her cousin and his wife.

culpa · 10/10/2016 09:50

Auser that isn't so, re-read the OP

Quote --to try to forbid my aunt to attend the funeral.

I am not saying that they should go but we don't know enough to know who is at fault here. Banning a mother from her son's funeral is extreme.

Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 10:06

She has even said that his own brother, wife and grown up children are not welcome!! And I feel that if my 85 year old aunt went without our (calm and understated) support it would be seriously damaging to her health.

That to me reads like the aunt is welcome?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/10/2016 10:17

However to now try and forbid my aunt to attend the funeral of her own son seems pretty diabolical.

Auser This is what the OP says.

culpa · 10/10/2016 10:40

She means that if the aunt were to ignore the instruction not to go and attend on her own, without support, it would be too much for her. That seems a sensible thing to say.
The widow is banning everyone, including the 85 year-old MIL. Unless they have done something absolutely diabolical its a horrible way to behave, however distressed she is.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/10/2016 11:54

She means that if the aunt were to ignore the instruction not to go and attend on her own, without support

Unless you are the OP you don't know that any more than any one else.

Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 12:49

Well if they hadn't done something diabolical why would the op admit her cousin moved hundreds of miles to get away?

Waltermittythesequel · 10/10/2016 12:54

Is ignoring your terminally ill child for twenty years, and especially for the three that he was sick, not pretty diabolical?

culpa · 10/10/2016 13:08

And I feel that if my 85 year old aunt went without our (calm and understated) support it would be seriously damaging to her health
Are we reading the same thing or are we reading different things into it?Yes-it does say they probably moved to get away but there is no soap opera plot and contact between some family members just drifted.

culpa · 10/10/2016 13:11

Also we don't know anything about the NC-did the mother want this or not? She may have ignored her child deliberately but we don't know.

Waltermittythesequel · 10/10/2016 13:14

Either she did, in which case she shouldn't be there now when it's too late.

Or she didn't, and made no effort to bridge the gap, even when she found out he was dying.

I'm not sure why you're so determined to paint the aunt as a victim. The facts speak for themselves, IMO.

But since OP has long since disappeared, it's all pretty irrelevant in any case.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 10/10/2016 13:25

She's angry, and grieving and not thinking straight.

My best friends husband died at 43 only 7 weeks after he found out he had cancer.

Obviously she was distraught and she did and said some crazy things around the time of the funeral.

She looks back now and realises she'd lost the plot, understandably though.

Could you call and see what she has to say?

culpa · 10/10/2016 13:28

I'm not painting the aunt as a victim. I'm just saying that we do not know the background to this and I think you are making a lot of assumptions.
I don't think they should attend FWIW but it is extreme to ban someone's mother from their funeral. She may have done something heinous or the widow might be being spiteful.
Yes OP has gone and the discussion is turning pointless.