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Original poster

My cousin has died and his wife has forbidden our family to attend funeral

157 replies

Wildwillow · 05/10/2016 16:46

Unbelievable though this sounds the wife of my first cousin has expressly stated that none of his blood family will be welcome at his funeral. He died earlier this week after a three year short battle with cancer, he was 57.

We have not been close in recent years, and I guess she somehow feels resentful that we did not move to Norfolk to support them, but being divorced with 3 kids put rather a claim on my time. She has never enjoyed a close relationship with my aunt (her MIL) for which I would put blame on both parties. However to now try and forbid my aunt to attend the funeral of her own son seems pretty diabolical. My parents and my brother have all said that we would like to attend, this is for one of the closest relations that we grew up with. But neither do I want to create a scene like something from a soap opera. What on earth do we do? I can live without going for my own part (although I would like to) but it seems quite inhuman to try to refuse a mother a place at her childs funeral. What do we do??

OP posts:
diddl · 06/10/2016 08:27

" it was very clear that 20 years ago soon after the marriage of my cousin and his wife that their decision to move several hundred miles away was a clear effort to put physical distance between their family and the rest of the brood."

Well if you think that then surely if follows that your cousin wouldn't be bothered about having his family at his funeral.

alltouchedout · 06/10/2016 08:29

My mum didn't get to go to her own mother's funeral. My mum's extended family is a steaming vat of spite and feuds and ridiculousness (most of her siblings were angry that my dad, who had PoA for my nana as she had dementia, wouldn't collude with them to try and keep her house from being sold to pay for decent care for her, but that was just one of the factors. They truly are a bunch of malicious wankers) and my mum knee if she'd insisted on going there would have been actual violence. At the time I was all for ignoring the warnings and insisting on going but she couldn't bear the thought of her mum's funeral turning into that. I sort of wish sometimes I'd gone anyway but it would have been a debacle and my mum was already distraught and I couldn't add to that. There are many reasons I wouldn't give most of my maternal relatives the steam off my piss, but I will never, ever forgive them for how they treated my mother at that time.
I think it's a different situation for your aunt though. It's her child. If your cousin's wife and whoever is on her 'side' are not like my scum relatives, who most definitely would have created an appalling scene, I think she should be taken to the funeral regardless.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 06/10/2016 08:30

Your aunt is a different scenario to you.

Your aunt and her son need to sort that out, it's not your battle to have and you only have one side of the story there so you don't know all the details.

What you think you would want regarding your funeral isn't really relevant. Your cousins wife has decided that she doesn't want a cousin who has been very low contact for 20 years, and not contacted at all during his 3 year illness, there. That is totally up to her and you need to respect her choice.

As others have said, have your own family memorial for him, you don't need to be at a funeral to remember him.

Original poster
Wildwillow · 06/10/2016 08:32

Yes I can really understand the wife feeling any amount of grief at the unfairness of it all so I will make an effort to contact her or the sons prior to the funeral.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 06/10/2016 08:33

My great uncle died a few years ago. I didn't grow up in the same city as him, and I only saw him at weddings and funerals. He was a lovely gent but I only knew him in the most superficial sense. I could count on one hand the number of conversations I ever has with him.

But I attended his funeral as a mark of respect, and to support my mum and more importantly my gran who was his big sister.

He was very old when he died and there were fewer than twenty mourners at the funeral. I know that his widow was moved and delighted that people came, even those with the most tenuous link to uncle George.

I don't think anybody has to 'qualify' for funeral attendance. If you want to make the effort to attend, that should be welcomed.

The exception of course would be anybody that the deceased themselves did not want in their lives or did not feel would be an appropriate funeral guest.

Joysmum · 06/10/2016 08:34

Since when did people still have to be in each other's lives for their importance in the past and how that shaped their present to count?

diddl · 06/10/2016 08:35

When did your Aunt last see or have contact with her son?

It seems that it might be all about that & so cousin's widow has put a blanket ban on all of his family.

Dozer · 06/10/2016 08:40

Given the back story and lack of contact for many years I think you and other extended family YWBVU to attend when this is not wanted.

One or two people max would he enough accompany and support your aunt.

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 08:42

I'm sorry but after 20 years I'd tell you to get stuffed too.

His mother is different. But a cousin who hasn't bothered in 20 years smacks of something distasteful to want to turn up grieving to the funeral as much as you do.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/10/2016 08:51

Given the back story and lack of contact for many years I think you and other extended family YWBVU to attend when this is not wanted.

I completely agree tbf.

Huppopapa · 06/10/2016 09:04

I think I must be missing something. If you weren't close and the wife doesn't want you there, why are you going? Sorry to sound harsh but if you weren't able to make time for him while he was alive - which is an entirely understandable consequence of modern life - what use is making time for him now he's dead? Your family can remember him however you like - go out for a meal together and take all the photos you have to talk about. Being present next to a box with a dead body in it when you are not wanted there doesn't achieve anything except pain for the woman who was closest to him.

itlypocerka · 06/10/2016 09:04

Given the large number of people who have been excluded I would think it's more appropriate to hold a parallel event - a memorial service - for the excluded people to attend. One or two excluded people can easily be allowed to slip in quietly at the back and leave quickly at the end but it sounds like the list of those the wife wants to exclude would take up half the room.

SpringerS · 06/10/2016 09:24

Sorry but it seems like none of you had any relationship with the man. What is the point of attending his funeral when none of you even made the effort to say a real goodbye to him while he was ill? If my husband had no relationship with his family to the point where they didn't come and see him even once in the 3 years that he was dying I would find it absolutely disgusting if they had the audacity to show up at the funeral. Sorry if this is harsh but it's the truth. What you plan on doing is honestly disgusting.

His wife has spent the last 3 years caring for her deteriorating husband. She deserves a chance to say goodbye to him with out having to suppress her feelings of anger and disgust at the lot of you. Counting on the fact that she 'won't make a scene at the service' is vile. And possibly misguided. I wouldn't blame her if in her state of heightened emotions her anger overtook her and she exploded at your selfishness and humiliated you all. How dare you even contemplate doing this to her!

limitedperiodonly · 06/10/2016 09:26

My thoughts are that you are making an awful lot of assumptions and you should butt out.

On the bright side: it should give you more time to consider the slings and arrows of your own life.

I know you said you didn't want to make it a soap opera, but I think that if Shakespeare were still living he'd be writing soaps. Good ones for HBO, probably.

TitsTingle · 06/10/2016 09:32

Were they no contact with his mother?
My DH has been NC With his family for 3 years and has made me promise to do everything in my power to stop them attending his funeral if anything should ever happen to him (touch wood).

Maybe she is following his wishes I know I would if it was DH.

TheTedium · 06/10/2016 09:40

Sorry to read this. This happened in our family, but in this case the wife of the deceased was a very, very unpleasant woman.
There is no reasoning with people such as this. Maybe have your own service?

MerryMarigold · 06/10/2016 09:41

The back story does help somewhat. I think if your aunt did not see her son before he died then there is more to the story. It could have been manipulation by the DIL, or it could be the MIL is a narcissist whose kids went NC. Really hard to judge even for you. However, I think it would be reasonable for the MIL to attend with her son for support unless the dead man had excitedly wished it not to be. I think it's up to the MIL your aunt to deal with this with her son, and via the funeral director. Whilst it's an odd request from the widow, she is the one left alive and I'm not sure who will benefit from your attendance, certainly not the dead man.

diddl · 06/10/2016 09:42

"Maybe she is following his wishes"

I was also wondering that.

And maybe others are bothering her re MIL so she has excluded everyone?

Generally, would people care if a cousin who hadn't been in much contact turned up to pay respects & commiserate with the bereaved spouse?

Klaptout · 06/10/2016 09:53

I don't think you should go. Can you have your own family memorial service?

My MIL was abusive to me and our children throughout my DH three years of living with cancer, she wanted him to go and live with her so he could be looked after properly, she told the Macmillan nurse that he would be better off living with her as she had fully fitted carpets!

She made official complaints about the hospice, as they hadn't informed her of stuff, what with her not being the next of kin, she was bitter, it ended up for the last 9 weeks of my DHs life all visits by his family to our house were supervised by the oncology social workers, (there were three incident reports about her behaviour from the agency carers already).

she put in complaints about them too, and the agency carers.

she phoned the oncology consultant and told her I'd been beating him as he had purple marks on his arms, Dr explained that it was due to his medication, the kids disability social worker was complained about, and was investigated as he didn't return her calls, due to the abuse she gave him.
But when DH died I did let them know the funeral details, because my DH wanted them there, we had 2 bouncers at the funeral, true to form MIL stood up during the service shouting and swearing at me. They wouldn't let us out the doors, we had to leave by the other door, the hearse had to reverse up to us, still they were shouting and swearing.
This was all done in front of our three children who have autism, 8 years on and they are still upset about it. That was the last time they saw them.
We have had no contact since and never will.

If I could rewind I wouldn't have invited them, I did it as it was what DH wanted, he was mostly unaware of their behaviour due to his brain tumour.
MIL got the guy who did the funeral to later do a family memorial service, I know this as he rang me to ask if they could borrow the ashes, funnily enough our children had not been invited.

Now to anyone who met MIL they would hear about her evil DIL

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 06/10/2016 10:28

klaptout 💐 I'm so, so sorry you all had to go through that. What a horrible, horrible woman. It's the last thing you need when someone you love is dying, then at their funeral. I hope you didn't 'lend' them his ashes. I'd have been tempted to put some ordinary ashes in a plastic urn & told her to keep them. Evil bitch.

silverduck · 06/10/2016 19:15

I did wonder if you'd not been there during his illness. Seriously you hadn't seen him for 20 years and his mum for 15???? Genuinely, why can you find time now he's dead but not when he was alive? I truly don't get that. I am genuinely interested.

DanGleballs · 06/10/2016 20:34

Isn't the Mum 85? At that age it isn't unreasonable to expect your kids to do the travelling for visits (obviously not including the final years when he was unwell). My MIL isn't 80 yet but doesn't feel up to sitting in a car for an hour and a half to get to us. She is frail and finds cars uncomfortable and so we visit her.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/10/2016 20:36

At that age it isn't unreasonable to expect your kids to do the travelling for visits

She wasn't 85 when she stopped seeing them. That was 15 years previously.

Her son had cancer for 3 years and she didn't see him!

DanGleballs · 07/10/2016 04:29

She was over 70 and he didn't visit his mum for the 12 years before he got ill. When I am 70 I hope that my kids will visit me if they move some distance away.

DeathStare · 07/10/2016 06:00

I completely understand why the wife doesn't want people attending the funeral who didn't bother having contact with him when he was alive or coming to see him when he was ill. These people didn't make the effort to be there for him when he was alive, so the fact that they now expect to swan up at his funeral is, in my opinion, rather insulting.

Your want to attend the funeral of a man you haven't seen or supported in many years does not trump the wishes of his wife (and maybe even him) to not be further distressed by having virtual strangers there who she doesn't want to be.

Show her - the woman who supported him through his illness - some respect and stay away. If you would like your own private family memorial service you can organise one.