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Original poster

My cousin has died and his wife has forbidden our family to attend funeral

157 replies

Wildwillow · 05/10/2016 16:46

Unbelievable though this sounds the wife of my first cousin has expressly stated that none of his blood family will be welcome at his funeral. He died earlier this week after a three year short battle with cancer, he was 57.

We have not been close in recent years, and I guess she somehow feels resentful that we did not move to Norfolk to support them, but being divorced with 3 kids put rather a claim on my time. She has never enjoyed a close relationship with my aunt (her MIL) for which I would put blame on both parties. However to now try and forbid my aunt to attend the funeral of her own son seems pretty diabolical. My parents and my brother have all said that we would like to attend, this is for one of the closest relations that we grew up with. But neither do I want to create a scene like something from a soap opera. What on earth do we do? I can live without going for my own part (although I would like to) but it seems quite inhuman to try to refuse a mother a place at her childs funeral. What do we do??

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 07/10/2016 14:57

His wife has spent the last 3 years caring for her deteriorating husband. She deserves a chance to say goodbye to him with out having to suppress her feelings of anger and disgust at the lot of you. Counting on the fact that she 'won't make a scene at the service' is vile. And possibly misguided. I wouldn't blame her if in her state of heightened emotions her anger overtook her and she exploded at your selfishness and humiliated you all. How dare you even contemplate doing this to her!
Totally agree Springer.
I think the wife would have every right to make a scene (if she even recognises any of you after so long....).

JeanGenie23 · 07/10/2016 15:05

Has it not crossed your mind OP that perhaps your cousin has requested that his family did not attend his funeral, due to lack of contact during his illness?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/10/2016 15:29

my responses saying "go" are determined my own experiences and how my mum went batshit crazy for a few days

and what a lot of people saying makes a huge amount of sense, and I kind of retract what I said- and I think you should consider their opinions OP

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2016 23:42

Sorry if I used the wrong phrase. It's just that others were encouraging you to go to the funeral over the widow's objections and I wanted you to know there could be repercussions.

You don't 'support' the grieving widow. She's already got people around her who are close to her to do that. As far as supporting the grieving mother, the best thing you can do would be to gently encourage her to accept the widow's decision and help her to find a way to memorialize her son in her own way.

DeathStare · 08/10/2016 04:42

Ah so you want to support the grieving widow. I completely misunderstood as from the first post it seemed like what you wanted to do was to attend the funeral, what with you keeping mentioning how much you want to attend the funeral and how unfair you think it is that she doesn't want you to. My mistake. Confused

So if you want to support the grieving widow it is really simple. You do that by respecting her wishes and by understanding that what she wants in these circumstances is far more important than anything wanted by a group of people who haven't seen her DH in 15/20 years. You support her by accepting her wishes with good grace and without asking her to make your wishes more important than hers change her mind, and without a word of a moan.

You support her by asking your family to do the same.

You support the grieving widow by not referring to her or her actions as despicable, inhuman, bonkers or full of spite, or using other such nasty language about her.

You support the grieving widow by not undertaking amateur and judgemental psychoanalysis about how you feel her family circumstances have influenced her decision-making.

But then if you really want to support someone then all that is obvious. It just won't get you your own way.

klassy · 08/10/2016 09:02

Yy DeathStar.

Ausernotanumber · 08/10/2016 13:06

Why on earth am I getting picked on here?

It may well be that they were no contact. And that means not even at a funeral.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/10/2016 13:35

Since when did you need her permission to attend Gods house.
You don't get invited or uninvited to a funeral.
Heaven forbid but if my dd is taken before me. Wild horses wouldn't be able to keep me from her funeral.
With the greatest respect to you and said very sensitively and with care, but. You all need to grow a pair.
You don't let anyone tell you that you can't go to a funeral.
Flowers. Sorry for your loss

Roseformeplease · 08/10/2016 13:40

As for not seeing them.

I only see my own sisters once a year, every couple of years because of distance.

Cousins mainly at funerals and the odd birthday.

We remain close.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/10/2016 13:49

OP,

I think you're leaving out the details in your first post is very telling.

Basically, you've all had fuck all to do with him. Even when he got sick.

Contact 'dwindled' because of your aunt's 'big character' and need to be centre of attention. DIL too, but she's the one who looked after him and stood by him so...

Your family are not victims here. She lost her husband and his own family didn't care enough to pick up the phone or pop by just once in 20 years.

Personally, I wouldn't want you there either. It would be false and for the sake of appearances, IMO.

If your aunt had been a better parent no doubt she'd have been welcome.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2016 15:34

Since when did you need her permission to attend Gods house. You don't get invited or uninvited to a funeral.

Seriously Hmm? I'd say that one shouldn't go where one is not wanted regardless of whether's God's house or the local pub. By your thoughts then (extrapolating here) is it fine for abusive ex-spouses, parents with whom one has gone NC, and perfect strangers to show up to weddings, christenings, funerals, etc because they're in God's house?

Ilive, I think you're looking at it through the eyes of someone who is a loving, caring parent to her DD, one who is, and always will be, there for her. It appears that's not the case for this mother or the family members who have been asked not to attend.

culpa · 08/10/2016 15:45

I though it was normal for relatives who hadn't seen people for a long time to attend funerals.

Telling someone's mother they can't attend their funeral seems extreme-I wonder if you know everything about the back story . I think I would go for the separate memorial service if the widow refuses to discuss it. I wouldn't add to the distress.
We don't know enough to know who is the unpleasant individual in this or whether there are issues on both sides. I would give support to your aunt but stay away.

Ausernotanumber · 08/10/2016 16:41

I have read the op posts again. It reads to me like her cousin and his wife went no contact and now that the cousin is dead they are all wanting to attend to be seen to attend.

derxa · 08/10/2016 18:58

I though it was normal for relatives who hadn't seen people for a long time to attend funerals In my world this is the case. Funerals are an occasion for people to show respect and not settle old scores.

limitedperiodonly · 08/10/2016 19:23

Funerals are an occasion for people to show respect and not settle old scores.

Mmm. Some people see funerals as the perfect time to settle old scores and possibly the last chance they'll get derxa

I have no idea about the OP's intentions. I do not think she or her parents or siblings should attend. I think she ought to ask the officiant or funeral directors to intercede on her aunt's behalf and see how that goes. Lots of people have said the same. She may be intending to do that but she hasn't said.

JeanGenie23 · 09/10/2016 07:49

Funerals are definitely the place to show respect and not settle old scores.

HOWEVER, it is a very different scenario when you have been caring for your husband who is dying of cancer, and no one has been bothered to visit or support the now widow. Having experienced something similar, I wouldn't want people there who hadn't bothered to help out before. It strikes me as being incredibly false to want to support now Op, when you were absent for 20yrs.

DeathStar has it right on

swimmerforlife · 09/10/2016 08:27

I agree with other ppl, if you hadn't seen your cousin in 20 years then I really don't see why you need to upset the widow's feelings by turning up. If you must, have a seperate celebration of his life as a family.

My father passed away when I was 13, my uncle (my mother's brother) turned up along with his wife to his funeral, crying buckets, rambling on about what a wonderful man he was etc etc.

Both of whom my mum had been no contact for a few years and had a terrible relationship with prior that. That may have looked nice but this is the man who had numerous attempts at trying to stop my father's relationship with my mother because he wasn't 'good enough' - he never liked my father. The only reason why he was allowed was because my maternal grandfather was seriously ill in hospital and we did it for the sake of family harmony for my grandfather.

Ausernotanumber · 09/10/2016 09:35

Sadly I was in the position where someone who was not wanted and knew they were not wanted turned up at a funeral. They had been specifically asked not to and did so anyway. It was horrendous for the family

Why would you insist on going when it's clear the cousin and his wife moved hundreds f miles to escape from family?

Cathaka15 · 09/10/2016 09:53

Sorry for your loss.

Yes I think you should all go. Especially your aunt.

Cathaka15 · 09/10/2016 10:01

Just to add something.
Just because you haven't seen someone in a long time doesn't mean you can't go to their funeral.
When my dbro passed away a couple of years ago.
People attended that we hadn't seen in so many years and some we had had conflicts with.
All forgotten for my dear brother on his sending off.

derxa · 09/10/2016 10:26

*Just to add something.
Just because you haven't seen someone in a long time doesn't mean you can't go to their funeral.
When my dbro passed away a couple of years ago.
People attended that we hadn't seen in so many years and some we had had conflicts with.
All forgotten for my dear brother on his sending off.
Exactly.

Ausernotanumber · 09/10/2016 10:28

There are some people with whom the conflict is so massive that it will cause interminable hurt to those who are grieving.

Floralnomad · 09/10/2016 10:57

cathaka , that's fine and normal but in this case they've been asked not to attend by the immediate family so that should be respected . I have been NC ( they instigated it I've just happily gone along with it) with my Inlaws for 19 years , when my FIL died 3 yrs ago it would not have crossed my mind to attend the funeral unless I'd been specifically invited , I wasn't so I didn't go .

derxa · 09/10/2016 11:33

Is this the new normal now where a mother should not attend her son's funeral? Wicked behaviour.

Kr1stina · 09/10/2016 11:46

Our family had a similar situation to the Ops aunt ( not the op) .

The person who was excluded was in fact the next of kin, as the funeral was organised by the executor . There s a complicated set of rules which apply to who has responsibility for what in this situation .

In this case, If the wife is executor , then she probably does have the legal right to exclude the mother from most of the funeral.

I suggest that the mother contacts the vicar / priest / celebrant who is taking the service to see if they could intervene . We did this and the vicar was able come to an arrangement with the executor to allow the person to attend the church service and cremation only .

Also worth contacting the funeral director too .

The terms of the " arrangement " were that the vicar woudl make no mention of the next of kin during the service .

I have to say that the atmosphere was hateful and it was the worst funeral I have ever attended. When we arrived at the door of the church , the family wouldnt us in and the funeral director had to intervene . You could feel the poison in the air , it was horrible.

I wouldnt have gone unless I absolutely had to.

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