Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My cousin has died and his wife has forbidden our family to attend funeral

157 replies

Wildwillow · 05/10/2016 16:46

Unbelievable though this sounds the wife of my first cousin has expressly stated that none of his blood family will be welcome at his funeral. He died earlier this week after a three year short battle with cancer, he was 57.

We have not been close in recent years, and I guess she somehow feels resentful that we did not move to Norfolk to support them, but being divorced with 3 kids put rather a claim on my time. She has never enjoyed a close relationship with my aunt (her MIL) for which I would put blame on both parties. However to now try and forbid my aunt to attend the funeral of her own son seems pretty diabolical. My parents and my brother have all said that we would like to attend, this is for one of the closest relations that we grew up with. But neither do I want to create a scene like something from a soap opera. What on earth do we do? I can live without going for my own part (although I would like to) but it seems quite inhuman to try to refuse a mother a place at her childs funeral. What do we do??

OP posts:
DeathStare · 07/10/2016 06:09

At that age it isn't unreasonable to expect your kids to do the travelling for visits

You expect a man dying from cancer to do the travelling to go and see his mother? Could his mother not ask other family members to drive her or assist her making travel arrangements? In fact, if they were close enough family to want to attend the funeral, would it not be reasonable to expect the other family members to be visiting him themselves and thus able to accompany the mum if not drive her?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/10/2016 06:22

She was over 70 and he didn't visit his mum for the 12 years before he got ill.

My mum is 70 and perfectly healthy. Stop stereotyping.

Floralnomad · 07/10/2016 06:33

The family gathers for weddings Christenings and funerals. Not got any of this antagonism with any other relations however long the lack of contact. (Which works both ways

Perhaps this is how your family works ,it's obviously not how the deceaseds wife wants her family to work . If none of you including his mother could be bothered to visit him whilst he was ill I think it's pretty bad to think you can invade the funeral , it's not like his mother is incapable of getting there because she will get there for the funeral . You are actually lucky that the family had the courtesy to tell you that he died .

Chottie · 07/10/2016 06:37

I really think you should respect the immediate family's wishes. Her husband has died after a very difficult and stressful illness, at least have the respect to abide her wishes.

It's not a family occasion or get together - it the funeral of her beloved husband. Please do not gate crash when it has been made obvious that you will not be welcome......

hesterton · 07/10/2016 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanGenie23 · 07/10/2016 06:53

This is incredibly sad.

I don't know the answer for your family, but something similar happened to me. My dad died at the age of 50 from A very short bout of Cancer (Oesophagus). My dad became very ill very quickly and my mom with the help of my brother and I did it all without any help from relatives. My brother would do the weekly shop, I would cook, (we were both still at school and working) Macmillan came round to help with finances, my mom stopped working, and all this happened for 4months without any support from my dad's younger siblings.
When they were sobbing at the funeral I was absolutely raging, and since dad died we, not even my mom, has had so much of a phone call. It hurts. In hindsight I wish I would have said sorry you aren't welcome.

If his mom hasn't been around to help her son and his family I can totally see why she would say you cannot come.

As a cousin, I don't think you should go. I would also suggest your Aunt gives her DIL the respect she deserves and speak to her calmly. If her answer is still no, then she should listen.

Fairylea · 07/10/2016 07:08

20 years of no contact?! Shock You're lucky you even know when the funeral is!

Blu · 07/10/2016 07:23

OP, this all sounds very sad.

I'm clear from your posts about contact between you and your cousin, but not about contact between him and his mother? Surely your aunt has seen her son during this time?

Olddear · 07/10/2016 07:45

Maybe she would have appreciated support during his long illness, she is perhaps wondering where all these people, who are now so keen to pay their respects to her dead husband, were then.

Joysmum · 07/10/2016 08:19

It's not all about her, a funerals for people to pay their respects to the dead too so even if they aren't a part of the life of the remains family that won't ever change.

We all have people who come in to and go out of our lives but have played their part in making us into the person we are now. In fact my DH hasn't met most of my current friends because of his working hours, ditto me for him.

JeanGenie23 · 07/10/2016 08:38

Joysmum- whilst I agree with what you are saying, I also understand the frustration felt when you need support from the family (just a text how are you? would do) and to not hear anything at all, it's painful. I am not saying banning people from a funeral is the right thing to do, but I can certainly empathise based on my own experiences.

DixieNormas · 07/10/2016 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sosidges · 07/10/2016 09:13

My Step-dad did not want any of my cousin's at my mum's funeral. I felt really bad about not telling them that she had died. His argument was, "Your mum has been ill for 3 years. If they had bothered to visit or phone in that time, they would not need telling she was dead".

In your cousin's case , it seems that he did not want to keep up with his family. I would give his widow the benefit of the doubt. Allow her to grieve without any added pressure.

Original poster
Wildwillow · 07/10/2016 11:31

Well thanks again to all those who posted with their considered and constructive advice. Not everyone of course, and its tragically hilarious how self righteous and judgemental some people are determined to be ( Piglet / Auser ). You really are quite determined to see some sort of soap opera plot here arent you.? What could and should be a useful community tool of communication is so often highjacked by people using it as a soap box from which to spout their own extreme opinions. Did you actually read the full details of my post? Anyway, I'll close this now, you're comments are neither constructive or relevant so please refrain from posting anymore.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/10/2016 11:39

You really are quite determined to see some sort of soap opera plot here arent you.? What could and should be a useful community tool of communication is so often highjacked by people using it as a soap box from which to spout their own extreme opinions.

Extreme opinions, really? Nothing extreme in my posts at all. What you mean is you don't like them.

Many people on here have said the same as me yet you pick out my name...

Did you actually read the full details of my post?

Yes thank you.

Anyway, I'll close this now, you're comments are neither constructive or relevant so please refrain from posting anymore.

You can't close a thread nor can you dictate who does or doesn't post.

x2boys · 07/10/2016 11:41

my husband wasent allowed to attend his sisters funeral [ ,theres obviously a back story i wont go into] we went to the crematorium on the day after the funeral so he could pay his respects it was awful and i cant ever forgive some of his family members for the way he was treated.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/10/2016 11:51

I won't however post on the thread again.

As someone who is undergoing cancer treatment at the moment it all doesn't sit well with me.

If my immediate family hadn't actually come to see me whilst I'm ill they do regularly then there is no way I'd want them at my funeral.

mummyto2monkeys · 07/10/2016 12:53

I would be very sceptical if your background information came from your Aunt (cousins Mother). We are NC with my in-laws who are both narcissistic sociopaths. The hurt, emotional abuse, vicious lies and the evil way they tried to destroy our family has left us emotionally raw and my husband has had to go through three lots of counseling to get through it. The malicious lies that have been spread about us have destroyed every relationship my husband had in his extended family. Mil is painted as Mother Theresa to my Cruella de Vil. If anything happened (God Forbid) there is no way in this world that I would want any of dh's incredibly abusive family there.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/10/2016 13:15

attend, she is deranged by grief. go and support you aunt. and agree to fuck off immediately afterwards

people do go a bit mad afterwards I have seen

and YY speak to funeral director and a priest for counsel

sorry - its shit upon shit isn't it

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2016 13:52

Just going to offer a word of 'warning', as it were.

I have been to a funeral where a particular person was headed off and turned away from the church by the funeral director and a family member and escorted back to their car and told to leave the church property. Luckily there wasn't a loud 'scene', the widow and immediate family were already seated so they didn't hear anything, but it was rather unpleasant.

So think very carefully before you and others decide to just rock up for the funeral. I'd suggest trying to arrange with the widow for the deceased's mother to attend with one person for support.

My own DH has told me that 'when/if the time comes' that he does NOT want his brother to even be notified of his death much less to attend the 'party' he wants thrown in his honour (no funeral or wake). I intend to respect his wishes.

Original poster
Wildwillow · 07/10/2016 14:08

We'll not be just 'rocking up' at the funeral. The whole point of my asking for advice (for those that obviously didnt bother reading the original post - or indeed the supplementary 'back story' - got your tabloid titillations have you??) , was to avoid confrontation of any sort and how best to support a grieving mother and grieving widow in conflict with each other.

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/10/2016 14:27

"support" your cousin's widow when they've been virtually no contact with you all for years? Confused

JeanGenie23 · 07/10/2016 14:45

The grieving mother should have been in contact when her son was dying and should other family members, if they cared that much. As I said up thread, a text offering support doesn't take much effort, and may have meant this situation didn't occur.

Olddear · 07/10/2016 14:46

What support would she need from her husbands cousin who hasn't been seen for 20 years? And whatever has gone on with her MIL is surely between them? You've managed to stay away all this time....

Blu · 07/10/2016 14:54

Wild willow, some of the advice and reactions may be based on confusion. I understand how cousins at a distance may well not be in contact but still feel like family and wish to support an aunt and mourn the loss of your childhood friend. But the advice will differ depending on whether your aunt has been in contact , especially during his illness.

If not, whatever the level of hostility that her DIL has caused, the approach would need to begin with a strong expression of regret.

Sorry if I missed the info, but I am not sure whether your aunt has been in contact or not.

I hope that there can be some reconciliation .

Swipe left for the next trending thread