My cousin has died and his wife has forbidden our family to attend funeral

[Wildwillow]

Unbelievable though this sounds the wife of my first cousin has expressly stated that none of his blood family will be welcome at his funeral. He died earlier this week after a three year short battle with cancer, he was 57.

We have not been close in recent years, and I guess she somehow feels resentful that we did not move to Norfolk to support them, but being divorced with 3 kids put rather a claim on my time. She has never enjoyed a close relationship with my aunt (her MIL) for which I would put blame on both parties. However to now try and forbid my aunt to attend the funeral of her own son seems pretty diabolical. My parents and my brother have all said that we would like to attend, this is for one of the closest relations that we grew up with. But neither do I want to create a scene like something from a soap opera. What on earth do we do? I can live without going for my own part (although I would like to) but it seems quite inhuman to try to refuse a mother a place at her childs funeral. What do we do??

Wonder what the law says on this: I imagine funerals are private and that the organiser/next of kin CAN exclude people.

I would be most surprised if there was any whiff of this on the statute books.

Funeral in a parish church is a public occasion and anyone can turn up.

I know this from bitter experience.

Your aunt's situation is different to that of yours.

In your shoes I would not go. A funeral is not the time to make a stand and insist on your rights, no matter how unreasonable his widow might be. I can't think of much worse than a row at a funeral.

I might not even send flowers if I thought they would create a scene or be seen as an insult or provocation. I think you and your parents should pay your respects at his grave at some point in the future if that is important to you.

How was she towards you when you visited or phoned during his illness btw?

For your aunt, I agree that is tragic the widow is excluding her. Is there someone who can intercede on her behalf - maybe the person conducting the ceremony? The funeral directors will have his or her details. It might not be best for you to try to intercede. Your cousin's widow is likely to get angry at you whereas an appeal by a stranger might work.

I'm very sorry this has happened. These kind of things happen at funerals.

I'd go.

To support my aunt mainly.

I'm sorry for the loss of your cousin

Does the wife feel like she had no support from your side of the family for the last few years while he was ill? If so I can see why, in her grief, she has said what she has.

I don't think you should go, you said yourself that you haven't been close in the last few years, and you probably shouldn't do something that will upset his wife further at this time, his brother and mother should talk to her and make their own arrangements, hopefully she will come around.

I know you feel that she is being unreasonable, and I can't make a judgement on that as we don't know the full details, but she is his closest relative and has nursed him through his illness and is entitled to make decisions about his funeral.

I had this with my DS1's dad. My DS had not had any contact with his dad for over 10 years (his dad's doing/choice). My ex SIL had informed me that he had died as no one was going to tell any of his children (he had no contact with any of them), she had no time for her brother, hated the way he had treated his DCs after splitting with their mothers and felt the DCs had a right to know their father had died. The current wife did not want any of the DCs attending the funeral. I managed to find out when and where it was being held by phoning round all the local funeral directors and the funeral director acted as a go between.

The current wife had the right to refuse us entry to the chapel at the crematorium as she was paying for it. In the end she allowed us to attend provided we sat at the back and did not make ourselves known to anyone .

The man was not worth my DS's tears but it helped my DS come to terms with the sort of man his father was and provided some sort of closure for him. I did make ourselves known to the vicar conducting the service as I felt my DS needed some acknowledgement as his son and he was great and allowed him some time with the coffin out of sight of the widow. My DS was only 17 at the time.

What contact did your family and his mother have while he was alive/during his illness?

That would inform my opinion.

There must be some back story surely? I am aware of a situation like this and it was because the family were not there for the widow and the widow felt that if the family couldn't make time to visit the deceased when they were dying, why should they bother with a funeral? How may times have you seen your cousin in the last 3 years?

The funeral director in the circumstance I knew of had 'tips' to ensure the unwanted did not attend.

In your circumstance I would hold your own memorial service after the official service.

I think there is a bit of a back story here.

I would hold a separate event which all of your family, including the mother of the deceased can attend. You could all have a meal afterwards or something. If this woman has forbidden everyone, it will just be utterly horrible for all concerned to be there. I'd leave the wife to her own funeral.

If you did not make the effort to see your cousin when he was alive, why would you want to make the effort to 'see' him when he is dead? He won't know you are there.

Funerals are for the living. The living half of this couple is the one who is hurting, the one who is dead couldn't care less. It makes no difference to your cousin if you are there or not, but might make a big difference to his wife.

You don't have to be at the graveside to grieve/to pay your respects. Why not organise a seperate memorial for your 'side' instead?

But Eve, the major problem is that the widow is excluding her mil (the deceased's mother) - that seems very extreme indeed! Cousins, not so much.

No, I get that, but then we don't know why. The wife may well be a complete cow doing this for no reason, but equally she could be following her deceased husbands wishes for good reason. It's a tough call without a back story.

Did the uncle have any DC who might be able to broker some negotiations? A friend of ours was banished from his own father's funeral by his second wife with whom they'd had strained relations. They did attend and she threatened to call the police . They stayed at the back and left without going to the burial or reception. Bonkers in the extreme.

I do hope some compromise can be reached, I simply cannot conceive of being denied the chance to attend the funeral of my own child. Does your aunt express a view?

It sounds like she didn't feel supported by the family. It is her husband who died, she needs sympathy and support at this moment. Not drama or people feeling entitled. Something peobably happened between her MIL and her and she can't handle that at the monent. Please don't make more family drama and organize your own memorial service for your aunt.

I say you should all go. Then leave after the burial. It seems more than no support to take such a stance. Perhaps you don't know what happened, but hell would freeze over if I let anyone try and exclude me from my child's funeral.

Funerals aren't like a party. You don't need an invitation IMO. I'd like to see the grieving widow try and kick you all out of the church.

If she received absolutely no support from any of the family, I can see why she's pissed off. But I still wouldn't exclude family from the funeral in her shoes.

There has got to be more if a back story to this , and knowing that may well lead to different opinions . If you are that desperate to go just sit quietly at the back and leave straight after .

Thanks for constructive advice everyone. As far as the back story goes it is nothing more or less than the sadly typical MIL / DIL conflict. DIL was a rather privileged only child of two doting parents, she lost her own father a few years into her marriage and must have felt his loss very unfair. My aunt (the MIL) and the DIL are both strong characters quite capable of saying more than is prudent in moments of conflict, and as most of us know when something is said it cannot be unsaid. My aunt (MIL) lost her own husband also to cancer a couple of years after death of DILs father. Both DIL and MIL (who both liked to be the centre of the universe) must have felt that like theirs lives had imploded. My aunt for her part has become a near recluse since her 70th birthday. - 15 years ago! The departed cousin has a younger brother, who in turn married and had two children, but due to the distance and us being as a family not very good at making an effort to keep in touch with each other i suppose contact diminished. Being fully mindful of trying to see a calm and objective view of the situation it was very clear that 20 years ago soon after the marriage of my cousin and his wife that their decision to move several hundred miles away was a clear effort to put physical distance between their family and the rest of the brood. All well and good, each to his own and we wished them well. There has been no especial contact from their direction to keep in touch with us and as is the way of things contact diminished to occasion messages about whos kids are doing what passed on second hand via phone calls. This is a long post sorry but just trying to fill in the back story. And really the main back story is that there is nothing from the plot of a soap opera to validate this kind of extreme behaviour. My conclusion is that I will try and get in touch with the wife and calmly request / advise her of our wish to attend but without causing any further distress. I will say we will seat quietly apart and not attend any wake afterwards. Its unthinkable to cause any scene at the (Im guessing) crematorium. But for my aunt not to attend could finish off an old lady of poor health aged 85. Thoughts please??

And regarding the train of thought that says if I hadnt seen him in 3 years then whats the point now, well I totally disagree!! If it was my funeral I would be glad to think that cousins that I haven' t seen for 20 years would want to attend! But primarily my concern if for my aunt. Horribly I think even now that in the back of mind of the wife of my cousin she thinks there will be some kind of competition to the lead role in the funeral between her and his mother. Dont be judgemental here, Im just being very factual. Both parties have a right in this final act and to try to exclude his mother she seems to be channelling her grief into spite. Not healthy in my view.

I have to ask. 20 years since you saw him?

And just another filler in of information, cousins wife is an only child that has sadly lost both parents. I have encountered before people that without blood family (apart from the 2 children of her marriage, now in their mid 20s) then put effort into distancing from in-laws of the deceased. Understandable if contact has been contentious over the years but this action seems venomous in the extreme. I'll see if I can get in touch today and let you know how I get on.

And 15 years since his mother saw him?

Were you and your cousins mother attentive/supportive of your cousin, when he had cancer? Did you visit? Did you call and ask how he was, etc?

The only reason I can imagine, that the DIL is cross, is if she watched him dying for 3 years, and she didn't hear from you whatsoever, so now she's thinking you can stuff off.... you were nowhere to be seen when he was ill, so why are you coming out of the woodwork now.

Not saying that's what's happened, but that would make sense of her anger, iyswim.

When my DH's mum died, her sister, who hadn't visited her AT ALL throughout her battle with cancer, attended the funeral and made herself the "woe is me" centre of attention. I was livid!

Yes Auser, how old are you? Im 50 and the youngest of all my first cousins. The family gathers for weddings Christenings and funerals. Not got any of this antagonism with any other relations however long the lack of contact. (Which works both ways) No-one came knocking at my door during the slings and arrows of my own life but then everyone has got their own stuff to deal with.