Why is being pushed/shoved always meant to be such a red flag event?

[TemporarilyLost]

If it's only happened once in 15 years. Much worse happens to women on a daily basis. Worse in terms of name calling, shouting and other stuff has happened to me even.
I did slightly provoke him as well because i could see his anger was at boiling point but I didn't back down in my argument and get out of the room as he told me too.
Nothing has escalated since it happened and because it was so blatant I even brought it up (which I struggle to do with other stuff as he has a way of making it seem I'm the one in the wrong and overreacting) telling him it could never happen again. He even grudgingly apologised (which is massive as he is never sorry for anything) after I told him I wouldn't tolerate it.
Could it potentially be seen as a positive tipping point to promote positive behaviour changes?

He's not a fan of such things and would consider it weak. I will continue to hide the pills

There's your answer right there. Your body, your decision.

You are still making too many allowances for him. You have to detach. It has been his decision how he behaves, he should suffer whatever are the natural consequences of those decisions.

Temp Don't be another me please dont. If you have to hide pills from this man he's chipping away at your emotions. I've never looked back since I left.
Please get out. I can see all the signs in your post I know what it's like BUT you are a person you do not belong to him. Get out before the shove becomes a punch. I don't say this lightly or from a platform. I've been the person who was scared and avoided an argument and would have done anything because I loved him. I didn't want to admit to myself that I'd made a bad choice, didn't want to tell my family.
Eventually I had to get out fast and male members of my family erm got him out of the house. Don't let this be you please

I get it, I really do. I've only just realised my EX was sexually coercive and finding my anger about it. I got out because he left me when I was pregnant. Best thing he ever did. To this day I don't think he realised what he did was abuse. He felt that pestering for sex is just something men are supposed to do, that he was entitled because we were in a relationship.

Your partner does know however that the way he's treating you isn't right. It won't be a surprise to him that you're unhappy.

I would be very worried about tipping him off that you're expressing your concerns to others. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.

With regards to his family, they don't need to know the details, just that it's no longer working. People probably won't be surprised at all X

My plan is just to say things didn't work out. From the opinions starting to come out of the woodwork, I don't think they'll be a huge amount of surprise from some people.

Portia I'm keeping my dd and myself so safe. I really won't get to that point and have done my homework on abusive relationships. It can just feel unreal. im still getting used to using the term 'abuse' as it seems so strong a word to use in my situation but I'm trying to sit with it IYSWIM.

atenco it's so hard to detach. I must be co dependent or something as I'm still so invested in his feelings and how he'll fare in the future.

I think i don't want him suffering the repercussions if it turns out It was all just a big misunderstanding and he never meant any of it. I can read that sentence back and completely appreciate how ridiculous it sounds but that's how my mind works sometimes.

Would it make it easier if you could "reframe" the time spent in your relationship?

When you are 60, you can tell your DGC about how you met an older man when you were 16 and it felt like a good relationship. He liked the young, impressionable you. You liked the older, in control him. Over the next 15 years you matured, you also became a mother. You learned a lot about life. You realised that he was treating you increasingly badly and you decided to move on. It was hard but you are so glad you did it.

Have you seen the movie "An Education"? I think you might like it.

But even if he didnt mean it (for arguments sake) he still did it and that's not OK.

He knows it's not right.

How do I know? Because he doesn't do it in front of others. If he genuinely thought his actions were normal, he would say and do those things in front of family and friends.

He thinks it's weak to seek help? I'd say it's weak to not admit you need it but that's just me.

Don't tell him though as he will convince you that you don't need them in his twisted way and then you are back to square one.

If for any reason he finds them and asks why you didn't say just reply, "I didn't think it would be important as its to do with my well being, not our relationship."

If he continues to complain just say you want to see if it helps- if it doesn't then fine, but if it does---

He is worried that any outside help will shorten his hold on you though.

Temp I thought I was safe but I was wrong. My ex was a real charmer to others my Mum thought he was a good husband but I didn't want to tell her what he was really like. He could sweet talk my family and make himself look good and that's why I didn't tell them. Because in my mind they wouldn't believe me if I said he was a violent bastard.
If your OH sees pills as weak then he is uncaring and sees someone intervening as a threat. Don't even think about him suffering repercussions, you are the person who is being abused.
As I said don't be me.

Thank you for the clarity. Keeping the meds and subsequent therapy (4-6 week waiting list ) under wraps for now and will ask SIL to not speak to him. I feel I can trust her so she won't go behind my back.

That's a nice way to think about it rabbit. Also always good to get film recommendations. If it's on Netflix, I'm there.

sarcasm and portia you're both spot on. He's so nice and easy going to my family. He's more the cheeky joker infront of friends and his family but no he wouldn't speak to me like he does in front of other people and of course a lot of the stuff that's wrong in our relationship other people wouldn't see anyway!

sarcasm I'm sorry this is really personal but did you find ADs helped you achieve clarity of your situation and strength to change it?
Of course please don't answer if it's too personal.

I think anti-DS help you with the endless Greg of life with someone who makes you feel low.

I was on antidepressants before ex but went off them for 6 months but had to go back on them due to him. I find after a while you can see what they are doing to you and what you are doing to yourself (self blame, ignoring the obvious etc). Once you can see that your brain can be less fuzzy you can begin to allow yourself to look at the raw facts in front of you.
Mao yes it helps - but you have to be willing to look at what it leaves you with. Fear is terrible but once you've tackled what is right in front of you - it no longer has a hold of you.

My ex was an odd case as he was abusive to others when out and about but not me. This confused me immensely. He hated other men talking to me and once or twice got physically violent with a male. I felt so guilty but wasn't sure how to modify my behaviour so I felt stuck and just to blame. Of course his reasons were he thought these men would use/hurt me and he just wanted to keep me safe.

I never believed it but I didn't want to challenge the status quo. He's the only person other than my sister (well one of them) who I've walked on eggshells with- I refuse to do that for anyone now, because it just causes a mount of emotional stress.

When you leave you will feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from your shoulder- just like a deep, slow, satisfying sigh.

Oops that was a bit mammoth - apologise!

Apologies even.

No apologies necessary! That's kind of what I want to hear. That some of that fuzzy cloud will lift. I'm not as afraid as I was of seeing things for what they are now but I just want to see them clearly.

Urgh I still feel wiped out on the meds so early night now. Thanks again.

That's very common. I'm on Sertraline now but when I first started I felt spaced out too.

Ah spaced out yes thats familiar, unfortunately my GP put me on benzodrines which are totally different from ads and I became addicted. I must stress these are not the same as ads which will work.
If there are any Drs or medical people on here they'll be able to explain the difference. My GP put benzos on repeat scripts Please just follow your GPs advice Temp
Point is it was his abuse that made me go to the Dr and my fault for swallowing benzos like sweets to blot out the pain he caused me.
I'm fortunate that my Mum paid for me to get treatment for my addiction.
Again I stress what I was prescribed was entirely different to Sertraline so don't be dismayed. I'm trying to express what an abusive man did
Oh sorry this isn't a well worded post, perhaps somebody could help me explain the differnce between the two meds please.
I know ads will help you ladies

TL that you lose your anger towards him easily is a symptom of how used to his behaviour you are. It's the boiled frog analogy isn't it. I will tell you that 11 years later when my ex tries some emotional twattery I see it for exactly what it is. He still thinks he is entitled to act that way

The sexual cohesion threads you had were very uncomfortable for me as it made me realise what my ex had done to me. I wish I'd been stronger and said no. I'm no shrinking violet - but I seemed to be in his power when with him. I know it's hard but you are getting to the right place - however long it takes