Why is being pushed/shoved always meant to be such a red flag event?

[TemporarilyLost]

If it's only happened once in 15 years. Much worse happens to women on a daily basis. Worse in terms of name calling, shouting and other stuff has happened to me even.
I did slightly provoke him as well because i could see his anger was at boiling point but I didn't back down in my argument and get out of the room as he told me too.
Nothing has escalated since it happened and because it was so blatant I even brought it up (which I struggle to do with other stuff as he has a way of making it seem I'm the one in the wrong and overreacting) telling him it could never happen again. He even grudgingly apologised (which is massive as he is never sorry for anything) after I told him I wouldn't tolerate it.
Could it potentially be seen as a positive tipping point to promote positive behaviour changes?

I don't think you are failing her you are just procrastinating - putting off the inevitable.

You would be failing her if you didn't realise there was a problem.

You have been strong enough to survive with him this long. You are strong enough to leave.
Plan plan plan first. Hide/delete your internet history. Get RL support. Phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Make an appointment at the Citizens' Advice Bureau. Good luck in your happier future.

They always always do this. When they sense you getting stronger and developing some independence, they turn on the 'nice' to take the wind out of your sails.

Think about what that means. He chooses his behaviour towards you. He doesn't abuse you physically and mentally because he can't help himself or because he can't control his anger or he's soooo troubled and had a crap childhood. He does it because he has no respect for you and holds you in contempt, and his only interest in your wellbeing is in undermining it so you stay under his thumb.

I'm in an abusive relationship. I can't quite believe it still.

Read up on the subject of emotional abuse OP. The internet has plenty of reputable sites you can gather information from.
I am really sorry this is happening to you. It's not your fault.

I've been reading and gathering information since the summer but I really struggle to identify with a lot of the literature as It all seems so much more extreme than my experience. I'm sounding like a stuck record on this subject now.

I feel that by reading about it and buying freedom program books and Lundy and using mn as a crutch I'm being proactive but really I'm just stalling and not making any positive changes. It's getting pathetic now. Somethings got to give.

What do you think would give you/make you make the final step?

Actual outright physical violence or infidelity. I can and do put up with anything else.

And that has been your downfall throughout; putting up with everything else.

What do you get out of this relationship, what needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Your boundaries in relationships are way too low and he has taken full advantage of your own lack of self worth. Men like this one you describe like supposedly strong women because they see them as a challenge to bring down to their own base level.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and this man crossed that line a long time ago.

You have a DD of 2; what do you think you as her mother as well as her dad are teaching her about relationships here?. Would you want her to have a relationship like yours?. You are showing her that currently at least this is acceptable to you. It makes me wonder as well what you learnt about relationships when growing up; did you see similar at home from your own parents?. It looks like no-one has ever bothered either to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and this one you are currently in certainly is not it either.

So he's been physically aggressive and is never in the wrong, I don't know how you call this a normal healthy relationship because it is not, he sounds like a total bully who has you where he wants you.

You don't need to compare yourself to anyone, if you are not happy in a relationship that is all you need to know to decide to leave it.

Abusive men are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. He has simply turned on the charm to keep you in check and under his control. When that ceases as it will do he will revert to type.

If you need permission to leave I give it to you here, now.
You have tried your best to make it work. He has not.
There is no happiness and no future in a relationship without consistent fundamental respect and kindness.

I think you know this is wrong.

I did slightly provoke him No, you didn't cause him to lose his temper.

i could see his anger was at boiling point but I didn't back down in my argument and get out of the room as he told me too you don't have to do what he commands.

he has a way of making it seem I'm in the wrong and overreacting He is gas lighting you.

He even grudgingly apologised this sounds like he doesn't mean it. He is manipulating you.

Could it potentially be seen as a positive tipping point to promote positive behaviour changes? Sorry, but no.

I'm sorry OP it's a horrible situation, but as I said above, I think you know that. What do you want to do?

what do I get out of this relationship

Friendship, I don't have a close group of girlfriends like most people.
A normality or status quo. To be with only one person from 16 has made me wary about any change relationship wise and as I mentioned on another thread he's always told me he's a good man but most aren't.
Im terrified/paralysed by fear of the Unknown. It's what stops me changing my job I don't like and leaving our town I don't like living in as well as in our relationship.

See how reasonable he was about me going out. If he was the jealous, controlling nightmare I've made him out to be then surely he'd never have happily waved me off and left me to enjoy myself. What if I'm overthinking everything based on past experiences?

No you are not overthinking anything here at all.

He probably does not let you have friends, he has isolated you deliberately. Telling you that most men are not nice either is a trademark abuser tactic; it keeps you with him. Also it gives you the impression that you are nothing without him. He does this to you because he can and it works for him. You mean nothing to him and he treats you with contempt.

As for normality; well this is as far from normality as you can get but what you write is normal for those in an abusive relationship.

What is so awful and frightening about moving your life now in another and upwards direction? Is it really various people pulling you down and telling you that you'd never make it on your own?

Have you been with this person since you were 16?. Did you meet him when you were in a bad place yourself?.

The point about pushing or shoving being a red flag is that despite his 'grudging apology', you now know that he can be physical with you. At a deep-seated level that changes the dynamic between you (and the dynamic was already wildly unhealthy). He can apologise. You can pretend you took back some control by 'demanding' an apology. But that control is a fallacy. Actually you're more under his control rather than less because now you know his unreasonableness might result in a shove or a push that could escalate to a punch or a slap. It's subtle and insidious but that's how abusers work.
Have you read 'Should I Stay or Should I go?' It's less extreme than Why Does He Do That? and may help you to recognise where you are.

he's always told me he's a good man but most aren't

Jesus Christ I have a powerful desire to slap the fucker.

That line is self serving GARBAGE. It's more of him keeping you in line.

A good man makes YOU feel good. He enhances your life. He enables you to do things you couldn't have done alone. Does your 'partner' do that?

The fact that you're so grateful to him for 'letting' you go out without emotional manipulation one time breaks my fucking heart. My H actively encourages me to go out for myself. It is not normal for a partner to make you ask 'permission' or to guilt or manipulate you about it.

Atlia yes I was 16 when we got together and I suppose things weren't great at the time. I wasn't really engaged with school and my parents were wrapped up in a messy divorce so he'd collect me in his car outside school and I'd bunk off for whole afternoons at a time. I was in a bad place soon after we got together and had a strange sort of break down focused around a particular health anxiety but he was gentle and understanding with me throughout this and I got through it without needing any outside help. That time is a real blur for me.

The whole letting me go out or be away from him is a long running theme but one I always dodged and resisted until we had a baby.

Of course there's been egg shell walking but surely that's true of many people's relationships at some point. I know most of his triggers but occasionally I slip up. He is very stressed with work at the moment and some of my thoughtless actions (just little things like not charging the iPad for when he gets in) can make him flip.

"outright physical violence" he shoved you OP. He has lost control of his temper to the point that he was physical with you. Are you really waiting until you have an actual injury?

You are not being pathetic. It's very confusing. I read so much about relationships that I had lightbulb moments and lost them again. Was I seeing things because I'd read them? Etc

Do you have moments when you do feel it's wrong before the doubts kick in again? Can you start to make plans at one of those times? Do you feel happy when he confuses you with nice behaviour - or annoyed and trapped by the confusion?

I realised that no matter what the relationship was I wasn't happy. I ploughed on with plans and started labeling the doubts as "wobbles" that I had to carry on through.

Have you got real life support at all? I had little but a counsellor gave me enough support to go. I think I recognise your posts but not sure and it'd be unfair to guess if you NC for privacy.

Of course there's been egg shell walking but surely that's true of many people's relationships at some point.

No.

He is very stressed with work at the moment and some of my thoughtless actions (just little things like not charging the iPad for when he gets in) can make him flip.

Oh dear Lord, no. No no no no no.

I hate how this thread is making me sound, but this is NOT NORMAL. It seems normal to you, because you have lived this way since you were almost a child yourself, but it is not. It is not normal for a partner to 'flip' over little thing. It's not normal to speak of a partner's 'triggers' and how they have to be managed. It's definitely not normal to have to remember to charge devices for your partner for fear of a freakout.

My dear, you have Stockholm Syndrome. You're a frog in a boiling pot, slowly dying as you tell yourself "but surely all homes feel a bit warm from time to time".

I'd definitely recommend some of the books mentioned above. Keep talking here too. Do you have your own bank accounts? Do you have access to important documents - your passport, child's birth cert? You will think I'm being dramatic, but your partner abuses you, and that means you have to think about your own safety, because if his physical abuse escalates, it will be too late.

You were targeted by him; I thought you were also in a bad place yourself at that time and indeed you were. He took full advantage of you and accordingly groomed you. He is a skilled manipulator.

Re your comment (that I have separated out):-

"Of course there's been egg shell walking but surely that's true of many people's relationships at some point"

No, not in healthy relationships. Unfortunately at the time your parents were going through their own messy divorce and forgot about you, their child in the midst of all that. You probably felt at that time totally lost and alone. No wonder you were easy pickings for this lowlife to hone in on; he saw that and has exploited it to his own ends.

" I know most of his triggers but occasionally I slip up".

"This is so very disturbing but typical again of someone in an abusive relationship. You modify your own behaviours accordingly.

"He is very stressed with work at the moment and some of my thoughtless actions (just little things like not charging the iPad for when he gets in) can make him flip".

You sound like his own personal slave; charging the Ipad for him. What happens if you did not charge it, I presume he would kick off big time at you. I suppose also you are expected by him to give him sex on command as well.

Do you not see how bad this all is for your DD to witness? Would you want her to have a relationship like yours?.

Do you know he's chipping away to see what next he can get away with. You are accommodating his behaviour by changing yours to appease him.

You need to leave. If not for you for your child.

Read everything you can on EA and PA. phone WA as well for advice and don't think you are wasting their time because it was only once.

myownperson that's exactly it. I have lightbulb moments so strong I break down and cry or scream into a pillow and then I lose them and think I'm reading too much about other peoples experiences of abuse that I'm looking too much for sign. I've gone as far as telling some friends elements of the situation and by far that's been the most validating thing as one or two admitted they've had concerns but then they are invested in us working it out.

I have my own bank acc and have stored away important docs. He has my email and fb iClouded on his phone and knows my phones code though. I changed email with mn to a new secret one as I was scared he'd pick up pm's.

atila when I've forgotten to charge it or something similar, yes he kicks off. I used that example because it happened last night and he saw how unsettled I was when he asked why it wasn't plugged in and then said 'it's 52% that's ok, you can breathe out now' so he obviously knows he makes me nervous in those situations.

Yes he expects and gets sex on tap. I had a long running thread that detailed this but stupidly but some unbelievably identifying info about me on it so namechanged.

I don't want dd to be unhappy in a relationship when she's older. I try to create a happy environment for her.

Tell him your leaving him and start making plans today. If you don't do this now. You won't recognize the person you become, and worse still your child will also be involved in this mess. Suggest to your partner he gets therapy. Tell him you are are not prepared to put up with any more of his crap. And that that's the last grudging apology you'll ever hear from him because you are done. You may need professional help getting over this also, because of all the excuses you are making for him, while he's treating you so badly. He's done a number on you.Thats for sure. Best of luck.

I've not finished reading the tread, but have to post.

It's a fact about relationships your personal relationship dynamics becomes the norm for you.

I was in a horribly abusive relationship, but it was normal for me, to not bother ever going out with friends, or if I did it would be arranged with military precision, I'd have to ensure ex would not find out, I had to ensure my DC's had babysitters or were at school, ten I'd spend the whole time unable to enjoy myself as I would worry that ex might find out, come home early, might notice or something. These were meeting for lunch or coffee with female friends, nothing bad at all.

So I wouldn't meet up with friends anymore, I would be really careful if friends phoned me and ensure I was watching out the window and if I saw ex I'd hang up immediately.

Even if he allowed me to o out, I had to ensure there was food in the house, the DC were fed, clothed, and everything sorted, there was food for the bastard so e would not have to lift a finger etc. Even then he would call me constantly, one time he called and demanded I come home and the DC were crying for me, they weren't they were asleep.

The first time ever I arranged to meet a very old, very dear friend after getting together with DP I remember rushing to sort things out he looked at me as if I was mad and told me to go and enjoy myself. He did not text once whilst I was out till I text him to let him know I was on my way home and e text back to tease me about he amazing supper he and my DC had had together, then e came and picked me up the train station and we chatted on the way home.

That is normal and a healthy relationship.

You won't actually realise quite how abusive your relationship is till your out of it.

There were things that happened in my marriage to ex that I refused to even acknowledge during my marriage because I could not face it, I could not face the fact I was in allowing someone to treat me so badly. And facing up to it would mean being more miserable than I already was.

Leaving that marriage was the best thing I ever did.