Why is being pushed/shoved always meant to be such a red flag event?

[TemporarilyLost]

If it's only happened once in 15 years. Much worse happens to women on a daily basis. Worse in terms of name calling, shouting and other stuff has happened to me even.
I did slightly provoke him as well because i could see his anger was at boiling point but I didn't back down in my argument and get out of the room as he told me too.
Nothing has escalated since it happened and because it was so blatant I even brought it up (which I struggle to do with other stuff as he has a way of making it seem I'm the one in the wrong and overreacting) telling him it could never happen again. He even grudgingly apologised (which is massive as he is never sorry for anything) after I told him I wouldn't tolerate it.
Could it potentially be seen as a positive tipping point to promote positive behaviour changes?

No he's not bloody amazing at all! It's not about being so in love or infatuated with him I can't leave. It's nothing like that.

I do know just how awful that is. I hate it that she had to see it. But I did react differently didn't I? I brought it up with him and told him it's unacceptable. That is a massive step forward for me.

I feel so bloody angry and conflicted and confused. I'm not a stupid, deluded idiot. I'm just acting like one.

OP, you're problem is that you are terrified of striking out on your own, so you are trying to find ways to continue living as you are.

Maybe you should start taking baby steps towards your freedom, but it won't help if you keep on trying to minimize what is happening in your home.

My dd could well remember him pushing you off the bed all her life. My dd remembers the fright she got when I tripped and fell when she was that age. My nephew still remembers his father's violence towards his mother. And your dd is getting older.

Be angry with him.
Not us, not you - him

I agree atenco

I'm not angry with anyone on here. I'm sorry if it came across that way.
I'm terribly angry at myself though and of course go in and out of being angry with him.

atenco you may be right. Me and dd starting a new life together is a lovely fantasy in my mind and I'm absolutely set on making it a reality but the actual huge changes I'd have to make terrify me.

The tension and fear in your house and your anxiety will be affecting DDs brain development. Science is showing it, I don't mean to just scaremonger.
Environment as a baby and young child contributes to emotional development which will affect DD and her capacity to be happy, relaxed and content for the rest of her life.
You are clearly bright and articulate. You can make a life of your own. We are rooting for you. We believe in you. Take baby steps, one small bit of planning at a time.

Completely agree with keeping the early years make more of an impact than every single year of the teenage years.

You'll probably find DD is already doing things to placate her fathers dissaproval/anger.

That's frightening. I felt that because I barely have any memories at all from that age, she wouldn't either.

She actually seems more to emulate him which is just as bad of course and regularly tells me to stop talking (even said shut your mouth to me once) and ignores my gentler forms of trying to disipline her. I think she doesn't see me as an equal adult to my partner.

I'm taking a positive step forward today in terms of looking after myself and our future. Things are still moving in the right direction.

Well done Temp, keep on keeping on

Oh I am so glad, Temp, thinking of you.

Ah ok so she's coping your partners dominant behaviour.

You don't need to have memories to be affected by things.

My friend with children has invited me to live with her. I may go.

I've started on antidepressants.

Whao, Temp, way to do go. Get advice so to make moving out as smooth and uncomplicated as possible

Glad you are sorting things out. Sounds like you have a caring friend.

Op I'm just de-lurking to say that I've been reading your threads including the long one prior to your name change. They in fact have really helped me to understand that a previous relationship was abusive. You are much stronger than you think you are. You don't want to carry on like this, you don't want your daughter to grow up in this environment. Leaving is scary but surely staying forever is scarier? You really can do this X

Sounds like an offer you can't refuse, so to speak.

Well done re: antidepressants too - I'm on them too.

I think little children pick up on atmosphere and a general tension. Ds1 remembers an incident with his dad smashing a light switch, he was about 3. My dc are so different, I kicked ex out when dc2 was 6 months old and he's a different child. Same upbringing but so, so different. Much calmer, kinder, and more aware of other people's feelings.

I love ds1 with all my heart, but he is so like my ex and has taken on board so much of the anger that he experienced.

Don't leave it too long op, the thing that you'll think once you've left is this: I wish I'd done it sooner.

I had a man who was great at doing abuse 'quietly'. Argued with a quiet voice so no-one overheard (they only heard me arguing back). Grabbed me and pushed me, pulled my hair - did things that would leave no marks. Said maniulative things and insulted me in such a way that it could be taken two ways - no-one would say 'oh that's really awful'. When something happened it was always my fault - I 'provoked him', or it was in answer to 'what I said'. His description of the violence was always a tamer version - 'It wasn't around the neck, it was around the gaw', 'it wasn't that hard', etc. In the end you start to believe the version they tell you and question your own memory.

Master at manipulation and deception. And in public - he was a saint, everybody loved him. So cheerful and charming.

It doesn't need to be a punch in the face to be abuse.

I have verified memories from 14 months of age. Please don't think that a toddler wont remember things. They do. Especially instances where they were scared or upset.

Please strongly consider going to stay with your friend.

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.
I'm being very gentle with myself and dd today on my first day of antidepressants. Obviously weeks to early for any positive effects but wow, I'm wiped out and a bit spaced. Washing up and dieting can wait!
My partner has been working very late all week so we've basically had the place to ourselves and I have to say, it a nice snapshot of our future.

I have a couple of questions if anyone can advise:
I didn't tell my partner about going to the gp about my mental health as I'm sure he would have tried to put me off and would be very against me being medicated for it. However I feel very deceitful that I didn't talk it through with him first and predictably have always talked through big decisions like this with him first. Now I've done it and have started the meds should I tell him. It seems an odd thing to keep from him and I don't want him to find out without me having said something first.

The other is about my sister in law. She has been supportive of me and I have confided in her but she has seen is back in the day when we were a happy couple and she wants us to be able to get back to that. She has offered to talk to him about his behaviour towards me as she knows I find this impossible but is that a bad idea?

I would say no to both Temp. You are still trying to think about how you can fix this relationship but you can't. He's an abuser. I think that getting your SIL to speak to him would make things worse. What does she know? Does she know about the sexual abuse? With regards to the anti depressants I would be worried that he'd try to use the knowledge against you at a later date. If you can hide them safely do it. I know it's hard but you need to try to hold on to the anger I've seen in previous threads so you don't keep sliding backwards in your thinking.
Have you ever REALLY been happy together? I recall seeing you comment on another thread that you used to lie and cry during sex (because he had coerced you) until you forced yourself to try to get into it.

I have been more than pushed and shoved, the shoving was just the beginning. Yes it does affect children, I had to grab dd from her bed and run before he hurt me anymore. Dd is now 17 and says she hates her father and is not bothered that the pig hasn't seen her in 5 years. She's told me she remembers the violence and being taken to her Nannas in the night.
Dont ever think children aren't affected because they are, dd says she remembers my face bleeding and me screaming because my arm was broken.
I cant type all my story because Its hard but please if you are being abused run just go please go

I do lose the anger too quickly, that's for sure.

No she knows a lot but she doesn't know about the sex stuff. Only one person in RL knows about that and only in a very watered down capacity. I know it sounds stupid but I don't want our family and friends to think too badly of him. I don't want to ruin his life completely when we leave.
My thinking behind her saying something to him was that it might alleviate some of my guilt about not talking everything through with him before leaving. This way he'd have a heads up but she wouldn't be as easily swayed as me when he tries to turn everything around on me.
I'll take your advice ask her not to say anything for now.

I've heard about people have had there mental health used against them in these situations. It's hard to shake the feeling I'm being devious by not telling him. He's not a fan of such things and would consider it weak. I will continue to hide the pills.

Yes, we really have been happy in the past. Because he's all I've ever known I didn't understand some relationship things were wrong so didn't dwell on them and the way he speaks to me now would have been unthinkable even just 5 years ago unless he was drunk. As for the sex stuff. It's only a couple of months since I realised how abnormal it is and we have enjoyed nice sex too over the whole course of our relationship. I truly believed he didn't notice when I was hurt or sad sometimes during. I'm still not 100% sure he knows now.

portia that's so sad but great you got out. I'm understanding dd may be witnessing too much now. I really do listen to all advice given.