Why is being pushed/shoved always meant to be such a red flag event?

[TemporarilyLost]

If it's only happened once in 15 years. Much worse happens to women on a daily basis. Worse in terms of name calling, shouting and other stuff has happened to me even.
I did slightly provoke him as well because i could see his anger was at boiling point but I didn't back down in my argument and get out of the room as he told me too.
Nothing has escalated since it happened and because it was so blatant I even brought it up (which I struggle to do with other stuff as he has a way of making it seem I'm the one in the wrong and overreacting) telling him it could never happen again. He even grudgingly apologised (which is massive as he is never sorry for anything) after I told him I wouldn't tolerate it.
Could it potentially be seen as a positive tipping point to promote positive behaviour changes?

Stop thinking this relationship is common and the norm, it's definitely not!

He's a bully OP, can you not see that by the way you have now modelled your behaviour to toe the line with him, Jesus, no it's not like every other relationship, until you see that, nothing will change.

He kicks off unless you do as you're told - what a horrible relationship to show your daughter.

No, it's not safe to leave the way leaveit describes. Phone Women's Aid for advice first before you say ANYTHING to him about leaving.
They will likely say something like plan plan plan first. Get important documents together (passports, birth certificates, bank statements) and store at a trusted friend's house. Get your ducks in a row, leave while he is out/away and only then contact him/leave a note to say you have gone. The most dangerous time in an abusive situation is around the time of leaving.
Can you phone Women's Aid today/tonight? They are available round the clock.

keepinggon thank you. I've had all that good advice already and have a bag in place. It's just the next step I'm struggling with especially now he's being so nice.

Can you reframe that "niceness" in your head?

He's not doing it because he cares for you. He's doing it to manipulate you, to make you uncertain of yourself, to suck away your strength. That's not niceness.

When he does something "nice", try saying to yourself clearly "He is trying to manipulate me" rather than "he's being nice".

Hi OP. I figured if was you. Firstly you really are not pathetic. You are questioning things. This is your whole life being turned upside down. It must seem virtually unrecognisable at times. And it must be scary.

I was posting under a different name too, sorry if I repeat what I've said before. I really think you need to make plans even if you are unsure. I didn't believe I would go even when the plans were in place. But having everything in place made that final step easier.

Reframing the niceness is difficult. Trying to see behaviour as manipulative is maybe the bit I find most difficult. Nice sometimes is not enough though. And how much reading on eggshells for that niceness?

But I wonder if something else might help? A couple of posters kept telling me how they felt when they'd left. It provided something to hold out for and believe in.

Also I was emailing Samaritans (from one of my several new email addresses - familiar fear?) And they got me to describe what my ideal new life would be like. It was hard at first but once I got thinking the details were simple and made me happy to think about. That gave me something to work towards.

I'm not there yet, the "wobbles" still happen so I'm not great for inspiration but here is what makes it worthwhile for me.....

I no longer walk on eggshells - ever
I make all my own decisions
I parent exactly as i want to
I sleep in a lovely big bed - all by myself (well the 2 year old is always there by morning!) It's a girlie bed in a lovely bedroom. I love going to bed!
i make my own decisions about my home decor. I am surrounded by bright colours in my new home. I love it, he'd hate it. It's ridiculously cheerful
I went out with a friend last week and there was no argument before I left.
I get time by myself without guilt that I'm rejecting him/family
No one is cross at me if I make a mistake
I don't get up on a weekend wondering if he likes me today. If it's a good day or bad day
Did I mention the lovely big bed all to myself?!

I'm sorry to ramble, sick sleeping 2 year old lying on me so I have lots of time.

Re friends/family. It's good to get validation but you've rightly realised they often have an interest in making it work. That doesn't mean they are right. Take the validation, ignore what isn't helpful.

DC woke up before I posted so this will probably cross lots of posts sorry. Re plan to go - have you actually got a practical plan, where you'd live etc. Rather than the emergency exit plan.

Ok I have 2 very personal questions for you and you obviously don't have to answer.
What was your parents relationship like when you were a child?

How much older is he than you?

Re: eggshells. No, not in a healthy relationships. If DH is grumpy I leave him to it or ask him to explain what the problem is.

About the night out letting you and he wouldn't if he was truly abusive- I think he knows your views are changing and he's trying to confuse/manipulate you to not leave.

If you don't want to say on here pm me re answers to questions.

That's a good strategy to see the nice behaviour as manipulation. I'll try.

I daydream a lot about me and dd living happily together alone. It's lovely to hear you made that daydream happen.

He's only 5 1/2 years older. 22 when we met. Not a big at gap at all. My parents were never happy together in my lifetime. It made me very sad they were together as no one seemed to be happy.

Was it a mutual split up? Your Dad wasn't anything like him was he?

I'd say 6 years is quite a bit when you are 16. It is almost like grooming really.

You didn't know anything different. He wanted someone pliable.

I'm so sorry that you've not been through what you deserve. I don't have any close friends either so know how you feel there.

No my Dads nothing like that. My mum says he was manipulating but I never witnessed him shouting and nothing physical. My Mum left him, he had an affair. He said the marriage failed because she stopped having sex (nice thing to tell your teenage daughter boak!!)

He wasn't a sophisticated older man type. He seemed quite young and fun. It certainly didn't feel like grooming.

Well he is a bit like him then- very sex orientated.

Maybe subconsciously you don't want to let DP down like you perceived your Mum did to your Dad (armchair psychologist).

Do you still speak to them?what do they think of DP?

I'm sure it didn't. Not all groomers are sophisticated though.

That's a good strategy to see the nice behaviour as manipulation. I'll try.

Hope it helps. It works for me (albeit not in this context). I started doing it when I read an article by a psychologist who pointed out that "charming" is in fact a deliberately deployed skill which people use because they want something, and suggested that when someone is charming, instead of saying to yourself "So-and-so is charming", say "So-and-so is trying to charm me. I am being charmed". I find it helps me to be less vulnerable to others' manipulation.

Have you thought about where you might go with your DD?

He's so nice he allowed you to go out, but then he shoved you, just so as you realise who's boss. This is physical violence op. Leave him before this gets worse, it will. I have hesitated to say this before but I fear for your dd in a big way, this man is a bully who is now becoming physically violent and he has no sexual boundaries, get you and your baby away from this man asap. If you won't do it for you do it for her and her future.

sarcasm it would be very deeply buried if that was the case. I was overjoyed the day my mum threw him out!
I have a great relationship with my mum and a superficially nice one with my dad.

What dip they think of DP? Or any siblings you might have?

I'm guessing he's the charming type to the outside masses.

Yep, they all love him and think he worships the ground I walk on.
I love who he is around them!

How do you think your Mum would react if you told her all this?

I remember you - because your life was so much like mine. My first boyfriend was 7 years older than me and we met when I was 15. I know now that i was manipulated and groomed - he was an older MAN who was afraid of grown up relationships and chose me because I felt safe and easy to manipulate.
I didn't marry him - but the one i did marry turned out to be highly controlling. I walked on eggshells, I feared for my children and protected them by taking the blame for their actions. he also shoved me a couple of times...thankfully it didn't escalate, but it could easily have.
We tried everything, personal counselling, shared counselling and nothing worked. All I learned from counselling was that he was abusive and that I deserved better. he thought I might learn that he was right all along - he is that sure of his own beliefs about me.

I leave him on wednesday morning...after 18 years. I have a flat, I have packed my stuff, i have paid my way and I am going. And just like a poster above I have picked out colourful furnishings, I have crocheted cushions, bunting and blankets to decorate my home and i look forward to peaceful nights without that nagging feeling in my tummy that i have done something wrong.
I dont remember what it feels like not to have that anxious feeling.

I need peace and I finally got to the end of my tether. You will too.

I think she'd be devastated but I think she'd want to protect me.
I'd feel so ashamed to tell my family.

remember that's great news you got away. Enjoy the peace and your new colourful home

When you do leave do you think you'll tell them or just say things didn't work out?
Do you think your Dad would be as understanding.

You really have nothing to be ashamed about. It sounds like your mum would be supportive. I'm sure she'd want to know how you are feeling.

It doesn't have to be a daydream. You have as much strength as any of us who have started over.

Best wishes in your new home remember.

I'd just say things didn't work out.
I'd love to look back one day settled in my new home....

One day you will..

Tell yourself 'I deserve to be happy, DD deserves to be happy - I don't want to look back and wish I had, I want to look forward and say I can.'