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Relationships

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Original poster

When you realise you're the OW, do you tell his wife? Feel like I'm drowning in guilt

140 replies

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 15:27

Dating a man for 10 months.

He's been to my house, and I to his house. He lived in the annex. His reason for starting in the house was for the kids who are nearly both at university. He said they'd sell the house after that.

He came to my house mostly but the times I was at his, there was nothing in the house to suggest they were together.

It all came to a head when I said I wanted us to be official. That meant meeting his kids, his stbxw etc. He said he couldn't because it would rock the boat before the kids leave for uni.

Pretty much that second I suddenly thought there's something not right here. I ended it the same day. He messaged a few times but we've not spoken properly.

The reason I never saw his stbxw was that he said they had an arrangement that they wouldn't do introductions to new people until the kids had left. It sounds crazy that I believed that now. I'm embarrassed. But honestly nothing made me question it. He now tells me that there was no arrangement that they could see other people, and although they have separated and he lives in the annex, and they are splitting finances, he now says to say he had met someone new would create huge drama. Obviously that sounds like utter shit to me.

It was the best relationship (if I can call it that looking back) I ever had. I can't believe it really. And now I'm also feeling so guilty. In no way do I want to be with this man after this, but should I face up to this and tell his wife? It's NOT for my benefit aside from wanting to get rid of the guilt a bit I suppose.

OP posts:

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 02/10/2016 16:50

Oh & I'm NOT saying you should be kept a secret for the next three bloody years, I'm just trying to see what he might be thinking/how you got here, before deciding if I'd stay or go and what I'd need to have happen.

GloriaGaynor · 02/10/2016 16:54

So if it is the case that what he says is true, what sort of man is he that he can't sit down and talk it through with her

Because it doesn't suit him. She's said she was sick of him being there. From what you say she's told him to leave multiple times.

He chooses to think of these requests as a 'test' because it suits him to stay. Finance, home comforts whatever.

He doesn't care what she wants, nor what you want, he's fucking over both of you. Optimum scenario: you dump him and she insists he moves out.

chattygranny · 02/10/2016 16:54

I think you need to run like the wind for your own self respect. No contact IMO. If there's something there worth fighting for he will seek you out and change his situation. If he wasn't prepared to do that you are well out of it I think.as you have recognised telling the XW would only be to assuage your guilt and not for any good reason.

TheNaze73 · 02/10/2016 16:56

I think you were too blunt & too harsh personally. I wouldn't have a new partner meeting my children after 10 months

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 02/10/2016 16:58

gloria. Agree completely. He is being a coward and needs to understand that his 'options' are now seriously limited. At the moment, it's a case of having his cake and eating it.

LadyLapsang · 02/10/2016 17:03

I'm sure it all boils down to money. If they split up now she will probably have the house, he will move out and rent (or buy if they are well off) and he will need to pay her maintenance / child support. She will also gain the upper hand if your relationship comes out - much easier for him to say they have drifted apart after the children have all left home and no one else is involved. I would also anticipate she would find herself a SHL and bargain harder for a good deal if she was humiliated like this.

phillipp · 02/10/2016 17:05

If this is all for his kids, why have you been to his house?

How did he know the kids wouldn't walk in? See you there.

This relationship isn't going anywhere because the relationship with his wife isn't finished for him.

Sounds like his wife wouldn't care if he was seeing someone else. So he can only be hiding you from her for his own benefit. I am thinking he is hoping they get back together

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 17:08

A poster asked if he had said he loved me - yes, every day and often. It's the best relationship I've ever been in. We have never so much as raised a voice to one another until last week (about this). I love him too and even though I've ended it, the relationship and how it was will stay with me for a long time. He honestly lit my whole world up. I just feel now the situation is taking the piss.

A poster said it was too soon to introduce me to his kids. I know that. I never asked him to!

A lot of what people have said does make a lot of sense. The money and the not wanting to tell her about me because they I guess she would have ground to claim more over a divorce and so on. I understand it all, but ffs, if he truly loves me, he should know what he needs to do. And obviously he doesn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 17:10

He's definitely not happy at home. Before we got together he'd told me about many comments she has made and I know she doesn't make him happy.

I've been to his house many times to see him when the kids have been out or at school or late at night.

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 02/10/2016 17:22

She can't claim more in a divorce for adultery than for other reasons. It makes no difference to the settlement.

If you have been going to the house late at night or in the day then it's bollox that he's thinking of the dc. That's risky behaviour unless their property is mahoosive. It's all about convenience (his).

Put simply this man has no spine. He would rather he and his dc live a charade than face up to the reality of the situation.

GloriaGaynor · 02/10/2016 17:24

I'm interested to know what comments he made about her before you got together..?

chiquita1 · 02/10/2016 17:26

Tell her. If they really are separated, she wont care and if not you will be doing her a favour.

LadyLapsang · 02/10/2016 17:46

Although I don't think fault enters into the settlement, as HandyWoman states, surely it will influence his wife's approach. Very sad our relationship has run its course = one approach to settlement; committing adultery in the marital home when wife and children are in residence quite another I would anticipate. Don't know what kind of community you live in but I fear you could take more than your fair share of the blame for this. I still guess he would like to pass you off as someone he has met and started dating once youngest child has gone to uni. What did he say?

phillipp · 02/10/2016 17:51

He's definitely not happy at home.

many men tell their new partner/ow how miserable their marriage is/was. And plenty still want to and do go back.

Simple fact is his wife doesn't want him there and he won't leave. She doesn't care what he does. She probably will not care he is seeing someone else.

If he was that bothered about the kids finding out he wouldn't have you at his house at all. Late at night or when they are at school, they could still turn up in his annex.

If he is all about protecting his kids, why would he risk then finding out like that at all? Short answer is he wouldn't.

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 17:51

Things he said before we got together were along the lines of they'd never been right together, it was a mistake for the start and carried on for the kids. She's abusivd towards him physically (throws things) and verbally.

OP posts:

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 17:55

I asked him why he stayed with her, I asked bluntly if he wanted to be with her. His answer is that it's for the kids.

I know him, though, obviously, and part of me wonders if there's some element of security with her and maybe he does want her for that. I've said that to him and he laughs and says he never feels secure around her, he just wants to be around the kids.

I really just don't know. Hence the cutting contact.

OP posts:

phillipp · 02/10/2016 17:58

But it's not for the kids is it?

That's pretty clear.

You are well rid. Although it seems you still believe some of the rubbish he has fed you, you would be best staying away.

Kr1stina · 02/10/2016 18:00

He's a liar. He's obviously not in every night with his kids, or when does he see you? You said he's " always available " .

He could move out and have them one day a week and EOW like most dads.

And the reason for divorce makes no difference to the settlement .

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 18:02

I thought if one person was to blame then the settlement wouldn't go as fairly, because they'd caused the spilt.

All these posts are making me feel quite angry with him, and mostly Im starting to realise more and more how utterly pathetic he is

OP posts:

phillipp · 02/10/2016 18:04

I thought if one person was to blame then the settlement wouldn't go as fairly, because they'd caused the spilt.

Did he tell you that?

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 18:05

No, for some reason that's just what I always assumed.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 02/10/2016 18:07

I have a friend who was 'separated ' from her dp of 30 odd years whilst still in the same house. She didn't want to lose her home and he wanted to stay with the DC. The his went on for about 10 years.

She was desperate for a new relationship and kept trying to meet men yet when they discovered she was still living with her 'ex' they very understandably ran in the opposite direction. She is finally trying to do it for real and sell the house...her youngest has just gone to uni.

What a terrible waste of life, living with a person you have come to hate, unable to form a new relationship and always waiting for something.

He's an idiot, possibly not a bad man but one who cannot see that nobody will think this is ok. Another three years before he even considers leaving tells me he's not keen enough. What a shame but it's his loss and your decency should shame him into being truthful with himself as to what he really wants.

Kr1stina · 02/10/2016 18:09

If this was the truth, he woudl have told you after a few dates , not 10 months down the line.

" Well I still live in the same house and my wife and kids but I'm in the annex. Yes we are seperated but she doesn't know and the kids don't know and none of my family and friends know so you have to be a secret . Just for the next 4 years . Is that OK? "

But it's only come out now because you have said you want to meet his wife . Funny that .

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 18:10

Matilda I don't think he's a bad man, despite his choices (obviously I love him so in biased too!).

But I've been there for him for everything over the last year. Good and bad. Always by his side. I feel like enough is enough now. I'm not a troublemaker and I deserve better. If he is living like he claims to be then good luck to him. It's not my idea of a happy, honest life.

OP posts:

Original poster

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 18:11

It wasn't necessarily meeting his wife. It was friends etc. I just wanted his wife to know about me. That was the main thing for me, because of their living situation.

OP posts:

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