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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

When you realise you're the OW, do you tell his wife? Feel like I'm drowning in guilt

140 replies

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 15:27

Dating a man for 10 months.

He's been to my house, and I to his house. He lived in the annex. His reason for starting in the house was for the kids who are nearly both at university. He said they'd sell the house after that.

He came to my house mostly but the times I was at his, there was nothing in the house to suggest they were together.

It all came to a head when I said I wanted us to be official. That meant meeting his kids, his stbxw etc. He said he couldn't because it would rock the boat before the kids leave for uni.

Pretty much that second I suddenly thought there's something not right here. I ended it the same day. He messaged a few times but we've not spoken properly.

The reason I never saw his stbxw was that he said they had an arrangement that they wouldn't do introductions to new people until the kids had left. It sounds crazy that I believed that now. I'm embarrassed. But honestly nothing made me question it. He now tells me that there was no arrangement that they could see other people, and although they have separated and he lives in the annex, and they are splitting finances, he now says to say he had met someone new would create huge drama. Obviously that sounds like utter shit to me.

It was the best relationship (if I can call it that looking back) I ever had. I can't believe it really. And now I'm also feeling so guilty. In no way do I want to be with this man after this, but should I face up to this and tell his wife? It's NOT for my benefit aside from wanting to get rid of the guilt a bit I suppose.

OP posts:

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Kr1stina · 02/10/2016 18:21

Meeting his friends isn't a problem if his wife knows, it is ? It's not like they will text her and say " oh I met your ex h GF last week " .

It's only a problem if she doesn't know that they are " separated" .

cheesecadet · 02/10/2016 18:25

Big red flag-him not wanting you to meet his friends!

Cary2012 · 02/10/2016 18:28

If there wasn't more to this, his wife would know about you, you would have met the kids and family and friends, neighbours would have been told what you were told.

I wonder whether rather than his wife not wanting the split, it's actually the other way round, she's moved on, and he's reluctant to be open about you, because he wants to be with her? Could that be possible? That ideally he wants his marriage to work, hence him digging his heels in and staying in the house under the guise of 'for the kids?'

I wonder this because he's mentioned how difficult she is, throwing stuff etc. So many men will blame the wife, when really they are the one with the anger or mental health issues.

Regardless of what's behind it, he's deceiving one or both of you. I think you're best off out of it. If the line he's been spinning you about the set up is true, it would be a natural progression to tell her he's met someone special. That he's avoiding this means he has another agenda and you can't trust him.

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 18:47

Agree with what posters have said. He does have a very bad temper - I've never experienced it between us, but I've seen it generally... Bad temper is probably wrong, more like a quick temper. So I could see how he could be difficult at home definitely.

I admit I read their texts once right at the start because I felt insecure about it, and there was nothing untoward in there - it was all in line with what he said went on. However, she was the one saying 'are the kids ok, hope there's no rows?' Which makes me think now that maybe she is the pacemaker...

Bottom line is I don't trust him. He's broken what we had whatever the scenario is.

OP posts:

cheesecadet · 02/10/2016 18:50

He's worried she'll warn you about him and everything will be disclosed. That's exactly what it is.

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 18:55

Do you think?

I'm not sure that's what it is because he knows I love him. Something his stbxw said wouldn't change that. I don't know. Hopefully I will meet someone who isn't so complicated!!! Going to be a hard first week with no contact though.

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 02/10/2016 18:59

You will meet someone, OP, someone straightforward who gives you what you deserve, and welcomes you properly into their life.

cheesecadet · 02/10/2016 19:10

I'm thinking things you would be shocked about.

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 19:13

Tell me!

OP posts:

cheesecadet · 02/10/2016 19:18

I don't know!

Since you mentioned the temper thing along with the very fact that he doesn't want her to know, maybe he doesn't want you finding out things about him that you don't know.

Chocolate123 · 02/10/2016 19:22

Sounds like he was having his cake and eating it. You are only hearing his side of the story about his relationship with her. He was happy to keep you a secret. You are well rid of him.

Trifleorbust · 02/10/2016 19:23

I agree with pp that the fault issue will make no difference to any divorce settlement, but it's perfectly possible that he is trying to defer any divorce settlement and subsequent division of assets until after his children have left home. It's also possible that he thinks admitting to your relationship will cause his wife to be more assertive in her approach to the division of assets.

Iflyaway · 02/10/2016 19:27

Apparently separated for 3 years. It's not 'official' with neighbours or family though apparently. Even more weird.

Haven't read the whole thread yet but this struck me....

You're right this is weird.

Seems they - because the wife is going along with it - are more interested in keeping up appearances than living an authentic life. And that's the message they are giving their kids. How sad.
Anyway, as a mum of an adult kid now, they know what's going on. People in general and teenagers too are very aware of the hidden dynamics going on in the home. It's just not spoken about.

After having been through a lot of shit relationships, my bottom line now is transparency and honesty. Otherwise I won't even go there. Lots of people play games, I'm no longer willing to put up with it.

All the best, OP whatever you decide. I know it's hard.

"To thine own self be true". Love that.

EachandEveryone · 02/10/2016 19:37

Is he a drinker or something do you think? Has he always lived in the annexe? Thats what happemed to the person i knew he was an awful drinker and did have a temper. How they managed it until the children grew up i'll ne er know. The kids were the excuse but it was obvious to everyone else it was money. They had alot in their mansion house. Neither was going anywhere.

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 19:49

He does drink a lot. Wouldn't say he's dependant on it though. Interestingly (or not!), he always said she was pretty much an alcoholic.

You know what's really pathetic? The fact I feel sad he's not even bothered to try and explain himself. Not only does that make me feel like a fool but it also makes me realise just how much of a bad person he has the capacity to be... He has obviously been lying to me. Dreading having to see him to and from work.

OP posts:

cheesecadet · 02/10/2016 19:52

There's something, something big enough to hide from you. I wouldn't want to know. You've dodged a bullet.

HandyWoman · 02/10/2016 19:53

Can you get an earlier train for a couple of weeks?

RealityCheque · 02/10/2016 20:01

Sounds like you weren't actually an OW and you've cut off your nose despite your face.

I can fully understand why he does not want to tell his wife until after the divorce. For many, many people that would make things much more strained and complicated.

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 20:29

We live in a v remote place (as remote as you get outside London) and there's only one quick train in. It's a tiny little platform too. Going to have to get over that assp.

Maybe I've been too harsh. But then again the fact I've not heard from him says a lot too.

OP posts:

12purpleapples · 02/10/2016 20:32

I think that its not that uncommon for people who are separated with children to remain in close proximity if the house allows it eg if there is an annex.
It seems strange however that there is any need for secrecy with his wife.
If it is as he has said and his wife is keen for him to move on then presumably she would have been delighted to hear of your existence.

lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 20:35

He says when she tells him he needs to leave, it's a test and he has to say he won't...

He also says he doesn't actually know what she wants... But she keeps saying they need to formalise the separation. When I say how is that not clear what she wants? He says it's a test and he can't be sure. All the time, however, he tells me he doesn't want to actually be there (except for the kids).

It's sounding more and more like shit isn't it.

OP posts:

Angleshades · 02/10/2016 20:40

A test for what? Does he elaborate on this test? It sounds like he's making it up as he goes along.

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lightofthrees · 02/10/2016 20:42

A test to see what he actually wants...

OP posts:

Angleshades · 02/10/2016 20:45

But he keeps telling you he doesn't want to be there. Surely honesty is key here and he should let his wife know he no longer wants to stay. I can't imagine it's a nice environment for the kids to see the dysfunctional relationship their parents have. It's not exactly being good role model behaviour. He really needs to step up and stop wimping out.

Kr1stina · 02/10/2016 20:46

He does drink a lot. Wouldn't say he's dependant on it though. Interestingly (or not!), he always said she was pretty much an alcoholic

So he's left his two children to cope with their alcoholic mother while he's moved out into the annex? Okaaayy

Any decent parent would move out , get his own place and take the kids with him, to give them a safe home away from their mothers drinking .

I don't see how these teenagers can be too young to cope with their parents divorcing but old enough to be the carers for an alcoholic mother.

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