When you realise you're the OW, do you tell his wife? Feel like I'm drowning in guilt

[lightofthrees]

Dating a man for 10 months.

He's been to my house, and I to his house. He lived in the annex. His reason for starting in the house was for the kids who are nearly both at university. He said they'd sell the house after that.

He came to my house mostly but the times I was at his, there was nothing in the house to suggest they were together.

It all came to a head when I said I wanted us to be official. That meant meeting his kids, his stbxw etc. He said he couldn't because it would rock the boat before the kids leave for uni.

Pretty much that second I suddenly thought there's something not right here. I ended it the same day. He messaged a few times but we've not spoken properly.

The reason I never saw his stbxw was that he said they had an arrangement that they wouldn't do introductions to new people until the kids had left. It sounds crazy that I believed that now. I'm embarrassed. But honestly nothing made me question it. He now tells me that there was no arrangement that they could see other people, and although they have separated and he lives in the annex, and they are splitting finances, he now says to say he had met someone new would create huge drama. Obviously that sounds like utter shit to me.

It was the best relationship (if I can call it that looking back) I ever had. I can't believe it really. And now I'm also feeling so guilty. In no way do I want to be with this man after this, but should I face up to this and tell his wife? It's NOT for my benefit aside from wanting to get rid of the guilt a bit I suppose.

Sounds like he doesn't want to give her grounds for divorce. He won't move out, he pretends they're still together, he won't tell her about his (technical) adultery. Financial, I'd bet anything.

There are people who live like this who are genuinely separated - a friend of mine's mum moved in into the annex, and they definitely weren't together.

However even if that were the case, and it's by no means clear - this guy is not in a position to be dating someone else when he has not regularised his relationship status with his family and kids.

He can't expect to involve someone else in this setup - it's not practical or respectful to expect someone to stay a secret.

So

So basically this messy charade just plain suits him better. It's not even her standing the way, by the sounds of it. Perhaps he is just lazy?

He is not a keeper!

No one stays living in the same house as their ex for 6 YEARS!!! just so they don't have to tell the kids they are getting divorced . As if the kids haven't spotted that their parenst live seperate lives.

And why would their friends and family not know ?

And why can't he see other people ? I agree with the OP, it's a lot of bollocks .they are still together .

Trifler so what's his aim?! If they're going to separate eventually then why not now? Do you mean he doesn't want to be seen the one to blame and therefore lose out financially?

I don't think it has anything to do with your worth. It sounds a very messy and secretive situation. I know you are hurt, but deep down, you must know you are worth so much more than this. Telling his ex-wife/wife whatever the hell she is will solve very little. Not wanting to 'rock the boat' is a crap excuse; what about your feelings? If they've been separated for three years, what's the problem? The ex must surely suspect there's someone else. You have as much right to know where you stand as anyone else in this situation. I really think you should leave this cowardly character to his excuses and prevarications and move on. This has the potential to be soul-destroying.

Xpost - maybe he likes having his laundry done.

It's telling that she doesn't want him there.

No, it'll be that he doesn't want to divorce whilst she is primary carer for dependent children, because she will probably get the house and he will have to pay CM.

He says the kids know it's not a normal relationship but that he couldn't bear to be out of the house and not see the last couple of years of the youngest growing up. I do believe he's thinking of the kids, from everything he's said and done in the last year. I believe all that. I just don't know why he can't grow up and have the conversation with his wife, it I mattered enough. I would never ask him to leave the home until the youngest left.

He doesn't seem to be thinking of his wife tho'...

Sounds like you're well out of it.

So he's going to stay for another two years?! Hmmm. I'm sure he does love you in his own way, OP, but I wonder if he still feels an attachment to his ex which he unwilling to relinquish for fear of change. He sounds rather weak and cowardly. Not great qualities in someone you want to make a commitment to.

Trifler, that makes sense knowing their financial status and so on. Makes perfect sense. Definitely added some clarity for me. Though still makes me angry I'm not worth more than financial reasoning.

He knows I would never do anything to come between him and his kids. He knows I wouldn't cause drama. But it's gone too far now. I'm not being a secret like this.

What confuses me the most is that they don't do anything together.... We were always in contact, every couple of hours generally, everyday. So if it is the case that what he says is true, what sort of man is he that he can't sit down and talk it through with her?

He sometimes says that when she asks him to leave, he thinks it's a test???? I don't know what the fuck that means either.

A test to see if she really wants him to go, I guess. But why would he give a crap if he didn't still have feelings?

This is a totally common situation, especially if theres quite abit of money involved. I know someone who had a massive house and was well able to live in a wing of it. It was all financial. As soon as the youngest went to uni they sold up amd bought a house each.

My friends dad also refused to move out of their home until all the kids had left.

Both these men had regular girlfriends and their wives didnt care as long as it was kept away from the children.

Its very common.

Well if that's the case why can't he just be honest about me and him. The kids don't need to know. I'm not and would never ask him to move out until the youngest had left because I understand he wants to be around.

(And yes, there's a decent amount of money and it would leave them with two mortgage free but much smaller properties if and when they sold.)

Presumably because his wife isn't actually fully on board with the idea of him living in her house but also having a mistress? It might be her one stipulation, that no-one else is involved.

You sound so decent, OP - flexible, honest, compassionate and understanding. Is this guy worth these qualities? It may be a 'common' situation, but what about the feelings of the girlfriends?!

Can I just point out that most kids are at uni 25-30 weeks a year . They still need a home for the other half of the year .

Plus lots of them come home again after graduation while they save up for a flat, or do unpaid nternships.

It's not like they move out on their 18th birthday and never darken your door again. That doesn't happen any longer. Anyone who has teenagers knows this.

He's totally BS you . I'm sorry.

They clearly have plenty of money to set up two homes. All that's missing is a backbone, a willingness to move on from her or to live in less salubrious surroundings.

You are being relegated below one or all of these considerations. Even one is a dealbreaker. It might be all three. It's perfectly possible for him to have a
meaningful relationship with his dc from a different property.

He's a coward. Move on.

Thanks for the replies.

I feel I've been very caring towards him and respectful of his situation, and now it's just too much. If he wants me then be honest about it. If it's so bad at home, it should be a positive step forward. In any case, there's far too many questions going round my mind now. The trust is gone. Which is ironic because I have never ever trusted anyone like I did him.

As more time passes, the more I realise ive been made a fool out of. I glad I've walked away.

light it is a mess, I'm sorry you're tangled up in it 💐

I can see why staying in the annex has its appeal, the losing of daily contact with your kids must be so, so difficult and with the annex he has the ability to be separated from his wife, but still with his kids. It does also make practical & financial sense. They can all have a better standard of living this way.

His wife has probably tolerated it, but it sounds like she'd rather he wasn't in the Annex, but further away. Understandably.

He probably doesn't want to push that even further by telling her about you, I understand that. He doesn't want to lose that contact with his kids, but knows the situation will be tolerable if she knows about you. She might be totally fine with him being in another relationship, just not right under her nose. Totally understandable I think.

What has been unreasonable for a long time (& unfair on the kids) is that they haven't told family & friends that they're no longer together. They're living a lie & forcing the kids to as well.

What's now become unreasonable is that he's got himself into a relationship and expects the other person (you) to remain 'a secret' for another THREE YEARS. That's bonkers.

However, I think you need to have a think about how things got to where you are now, before you throw the baby out with the bath water. They are separated (you need to believe this, if you don't then it's over), so he doesn't have to tell her about you. He's not lying, he's just choosing not to rock the annex arrangement. He hadn't lied to you, he is separated. It has only been a few months. How did you meet? At your little train station (so by chance) or on a dating site (he was looking for a relationship), or somehow else? Do you go out locally to restaurants, movies, coffee shops? Has he said he loves you? Has he said how he sees your future? What has he actually said to you?

*will NOT be tolerable if she knows about you

He's completely full of shit. Yes tell the wife. In the unlikely event there's any truth to the bullshit, no harm done, she won't mind, but in the much more likely event that he's spinning her an equal and opposite load of bullshit to keep her strung along, then she should know the truth.