When you realise you're the OW, do you tell his wife? Feel like I'm drowning in guilt

[lightofthrees]

Dating a man for 10 months.

He's been to my house, and I to his house. He lived in the annex. His reason for starting in the house was for the kids who are nearly both at university. He said they'd sell the house after that.

He came to my house mostly but the times I was at his, there was nothing in the house to suggest they were together.

It all came to a head when I said I wanted us to be official. That meant meeting his kids, his stbxw etc. He said he couldn't because it would rock the boat before the kids leave for uni.

Pretty much that second I suddenly thought there's something not right here. I ended it the same day. He messaged a few times but we've not spoken properly.

The reason I never saw his stbxw was that he said they had an arrangement that they wouldn't do introductions to new people until the kids had left. It sounds crazy that I believed that now. I'm embarrassed. But honestly nothing made me question it. He now tells me that there was no arrangement that they could see other people, and although they have separated and he lives in the annex, and they are splitting finances, he now says to say he had met someone new would create huge drama. Obviously that sounds like utter shit to me.

It was the best relationship (if I can call it that looking back) I ever had. I can't believe it really. And now I'm also feeling so guilty. In no way do I want to be with this man after this, but should I face up to this and tell his wife? It's NOT for my benefit aside from wanting to get rid of the guilt a bit I suppose.

[RealityCheque]

Drip. Drip. Drip....

[SandyY2K]

Wow. I've just read your responses in the thread. FWIW, I think they are seperated, but he doesn't want to leave the house entirely. Probably more for financial reasons, as while he's there he doesn't have to pay CS.

He has to keep you a secret, because otherwise she'd demand that he left properly and then the money issue comes into play.

Regardless of that, he was keeping you a secret. Just block him and don't get further involved. He wasn't honest with you.

[SandyY2K]

Drip. Drip. Drip....

I wouldn't say that at all. How much is one expected to say in the opening post?

And the issue of alcohol was raised in response to a question asked.

[Angleshades]

He's pretty much told you what he's going to do. He's not going to leave for at least the next three years. He's not going to tell his wife, the kids, the neighbours or family about you until he leaves. You either accept your secret relationship with him or you leave him to it. I know which one I would do.

It doesn't appear that he is sorry for the situation he has put you in either.

[Cocoabutton]

I think a few pages back, you said 'I know him though...' which jumped out at me. After ten months, you really don't- after a few years maybe. At ten months, if you are in love, you want to believe the best of someone- it is not knowing them really, though.

And what do you know? He has a quick temper, he drinks and he thinks his wife is playing mind games by asking him to leave; but he says they are already separated, she is an alcoholic who throws things and he only stays in his annex for the DC.

I am sorry that this isn't working for you- I hope you find someone more straightforward

[lightofthrees]

I didn't mean to drip feed...

I've tried to summarise it in the OP. Having read posters responses it's made me think about certain points. Sorry.

Yes I agree, he's lied whatever. Feel sick about having to see him every morning and evening for the foreseeable future. What a mess.

[HandyWoman]

Hold your head high, OP, you are the straightforward, considerate, grownup one in all this. You aren't prepared to be dragged into to this mess. That's all.

Deep breath, shoulders back, you can do it.

The mess is entirely his

[lightofthrees]

Thanks handywoman.

Going to try and sleep soon so I'm not overly emotional in the morning with lack of sleep. Hope there's still some good men out there!!

[SandyY2K]

Feel sick about having to see him every morning and evening for the foreseeable future.

Do you work together?

[lightofthrees]

No, thankfully not. Live very close though and get the same train to and from work. He works in the same building as well but different company.

Feeling sick about tomorrow.

[Angleshades]

Handy is right, hold your head up high. You have done nothing wrong. He should be ashamed of himself for stringing you along. That's probably the reason he's gone quiet on you. He doesn't want to take the resposibility of what he's done to you. It's very cowardly.

Head high tomorrow and breeze past him.

[tipsytrifle]

Forgive me if I get my ponderings totally wrong. I'm wondering if he is refusing to leave the home or make any settlement or resolution towards ending his marriage at all. Maybe his wife is desperate for him to leave but he won't and for whatever legal reasons she cannot push it further. Maybe there is no marriage split at all and this is all a figment of delusion played out for you to wriggle obediently in.

Ten months really isn't that long. Maybe he does this on a regular basis. You, being a brighter spark, may well be questioning sooner what others have not; maybe others have lasted longer or vanished sooner from this annexe of his. Maybe he's hoping to find someone who'll just accept his self-centred shenanigans because it seems that all alleged information is on a "what he says" basis.

Like I say, these are just wonderings of mine and they may be incorrect. I think you've done the right thing to end it. He isn't the man you thought he was. I think he might be a chancer with a wife who can't get him out or gone. Or he might be a happily married man who wants his cake and eat it for as long as he can get away with it.

I truly don't know whether trying to approach her would be do-able or worthwhile. I think you getting out is the best move you can make. He isn't who you thought he was at all. Retract your love for him - a case of mistaken identity so to speak.

[SandyY2K]

Can't you get an earlier train to avoid seeing him? That's hard having to see him twice a day.

Or sit in a totally different carriage if possible.

[HandyWoman]

Thinking of you this morning OP.

In my mind's eye you are breezing past this game-player with not a care in the world, even if your innerds are churning.

Go for it.

[lightofthrees]

Thanks everyone. Barely slept so feeling emotional but remembering to stand tall! Particularly anxious about the return journey - it's quieter and when we'd usually be glued together.

[EachandEveryone]

Different train?

[GingerbreadLatteToGo]

She has already said she lives in the arse end of nowhere and there's only one fast train.

☕️💐 Hope you've survived the trip in!

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Forgive me if I get my ponderings totally wrong. I'm wondering if he is refusing to leave the home or make any settlement or resolution towards ending his marriage at all.

Whilst going through financials you are advised not yo leave the marital home.

Maybe his wife is desperate for him to leave but he won't and for whatever legal reasons she cannot push it further.

Maybe she should leave? Children aren't young. Nothing to stop her. Maybe better for them if there is a question about alcoholism.

Truth is however no one but him and her know what is actually going on.

[tipsytrifle]

Yes, Piglet. Maybe this and that are possible, maybe there's a mutual impasse going on. Equally, maybe there are no financials or legalities on-going. Or maybe it's all about deceptive behaviour on the part of this man. Those are all arbitrary, parallel issues. I was simply supporting OP in her feeling that she should not be a secret and that what she has been led to believe isn't OK for her no matter what is actually going on with him.

[springydaffs]

She's said things to him and doesn't make him happy.

She's an alcoholic (though he drinks a lot)

[lightofthrees]

Saw him this morning and he completely blanked me. As if I didn't exist.

I stupidly messaged him to say I would bring his spare car key tomorrow morning for him - he replied saying he missed me and didn't know what to say but he was very upset. I replied saying I was upset too but I was finding it hard to trust him and feel very in the dark about everything.

He replied saying 'OK.'

He clearly couldn't give a fuck. I feel sick at work and just want to go home. Dreading the journey back as well as don't want to see him, but also feel really really cross. I hate how he is so fine with all this when he's completely messed with my head. (Petty I know, I shouldn't care what he's feeling or thinking).

[HandyWoman]

Oh OP. If you're honest with yourself you were wanting to connect in that communication over the key.

It's not petty, not at all, but it is understandable after the painful experience of being blanked earlier.

This whole charade he is living is non negotiable. It's all more important to him than you.

I think going no contact (and blanking him back) is the way forward. Put the key in the post. Hold onto that anger.

Tell him you won't be communicating with him again and delete his details on your phone.

Let him miss you. Tough shit.

[EachandEveryone]

How often are the trains?

[lightofthrees]

I know I need to cut contact. It's hard because we literally get the same train and it's the same walk to the same building. Just luckily not the same company. Small blessing!!

The posters asking if I can get a different train... I can't, unless I leave at 4.50am, which I don't particularly fancy as a long term solution!

I feel so rubbish today. Regardless of whether he was lying, he's clearly didn't care that much. He had the nerve to email me a link to a news article earlier too..... An in joke we had. As if I would be feeling in a jokey mood??! Dreading leaving work.

[lightofthrees]

Handywoman... I said earlier (messaging) that his fake life was more important that me and him.

He said that wasn't fair because he had to think of his kids.

I said it's got nothing to do with your kids, just be honest with your wife so we don't have to be secret for the next however long. He said he couldn't because it would become a war zone.

Then I'm made to feel bad about not thinking of the kids. I can't win, doesn't matter how reasonable I am or how flexible.