Sorry it took me so long to actually get my computer out!
I wanted to talk to you about your critical voice, I wrote an articulate post on my bloody phone and lost it earlier today. Now I can't articulate it in the same way and have since read more and caught up, and Iearned more about your mother, the person who started that voice off in your head. The one person who we are supposed to be able to rely on from the moment we are born, your mother let you down so badly, it's no wonder you speak to yourself and about yourself in such a harsh way. 
And it's no wonder you self-medicate.
You know the voice I'm talking about don't you? The voice that says you're a failure, a loser, a terrible mother, an awful person, a waste of space. Having your background, you've been trained, really, to talk to and about yourself in this nasty way. It's your mother's voice, telling you you're not worth much. Telling you you're crap. You seem like a nice person, who wouldn't probably talk to another person in a nasty, abusive way. But you do it to your self. That same poor self who has been through so much and is having such a hard time as it is!
I have learned that sometimes we need to actually 'mother' ourselves. Think of the kind of mother you actually needed and need. The kind of mother we all need, the kind of loving mother we all want to be to our actual children. Someone who speaks to you kindly, treats you gently, gives encouragement. Someone who loves you. When you look in the mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and whatever you are thinking as you look into your own eyes (some awful thing no doubt) tell yourself something nice and kind, offer some comfort from the 'good mother' place in you. Talk to yourself as if you are the poor child you once were, talk to her as she should be talked to. God, can you tell I've had therapy? I'm just saying something simple, something kind:
'It's ok sweetie'
'you can do this'
'you've done pretty well to get this far considering all the shit that's happened'
'you're going to be ok'
'you're going to do this, one step at a time, but you are.'
'you've got nice teeth', even.
Just, please, say one, small, nice thing to yourself whenever you look in the mirror. It might become a habit. You might start to show yourself a bit of love. And when you can show yourself some love, and compassion and gentleness, then maybe you'll find it easier to sort your particular brand of addiction and self-medication.
Your mother is a nasty fucking bitch so is mine and it is she who has planted this idea in your head that you are shit, pointless and not worth it. DO NOT LET HER VOICE WIN AND DOMINATE. Start a new voice, and let that new voice be the one who takes over. So, when you say something nasty to or about your poor self, your new voice, the compassionate mother, the one who actually cares what happens to you, needs to step in and say, 'No, don't talk like that, that's unkind/unhelpful' etc - Sorry, dearest OP, I really am rambling on now 
and now have visions of you standing in front of the bathroom mirror having an argument with yourself! I need to get my supper, so I'll stop. Hunger is making me write badly, but there were things I wanted to say to you, however cack-handedly. My dear father was an alcoholic. But we loved him dearly. He is dead now and we all miss him. And our poisonous mother (NC for many years for my health and sanity's sake, thank god) will probably live forever!
