Am I overreacting to bf standing me up tonight?

[RhubarbRocks]

Been going through a difficult patch recently with bf (long story but related to whether or not we want children - I always have and he's now unsure and as I'm in my 40s I've been asking him to make a decision and probably pushing too hard for him to decide). Anyway, after a really tough weekend last weekend, last night we had a lovely night out. When he left this morning he said that he wouldn't be staying out after a sports match and we would do something together tonight.

I've been and had a blow dry, done my makeup nicely and put on the clothes I know he likes most. After the match mid afternoon he sent a text to say his team had won and i said hooray and asked whether he was celebrating there or coming back. Nothing. At 6.30 I texted to say I was getting hungry and what was the plan. I could see (whatsapp) that he'd read my messages, so at 7.30 I said 'Hey, you ok? Thought we were meeting up? Hope I'm not getting stood up...😳?! X' Got a reply 20 mins later just saying 'Sorry. Yes, you're being stood up'. No kiss and no indication of if/when he'll be back. Nothing since. Am gutted.

How do I deal with this? If he'd told me earlier before I spent time getting ready, or even made me feel he felt a bit bad about ditching me (eg calling to tell me) I wouldn't mind - I'm glad he's having fun with his friends. But I just feel he doesn't care if I'm upset. Am I reading too much into it and being unreasonably upset? I so want us to be happy. I'm afraid if I tell him I am upset and he has been thoughtless it will be the last straw for him. On the other hand I'm feeling lonely and really quite sad to be spending Saturday night alone when I'd looked forward to a nice time with him, with no decent food and a total waste of the effort I made to look nice for him. He's working all day tomorrow so that's it for any time together til next weekend :(

And another sad lady who doesn't have the self belief to think she can do so much better. Honestly OP, I wish you well, but why are you throwing your chance for your happy future away on this overgrown teenager?

Because holly it's OPINIONS AND ADVICE not instructions. If you can't be supportive & constructive just stay away from the relationships topic because you do more harm than good.

He says he was actually coming back, but because he thought I'd be upset he was late, he was angry with me, which is why he sent the message saying I'd been stood up and stayed out because he can't tolerate me being emotional.

What sort of bollocks is this?

He was angry because he thought you would be upset at his twatty behaviour.

And you bought into this bullshit?

Really?

Come on you deserve better than this.

Get rid. You will be sorry if you don't and you know it 😿

No I haven't bought into it. I think he is being horrible. I've given him two things to do that I know he won't do so that at the weekend I can then say to myself 'right that's it' and end it.

I have a really demanding job that I need to focus to do, and if I finish with him at the start of the week I won't get through to the end of the week at work, because even if I'm better off without him I'm still really sad about this. My solution just stops me from crying til the weekend. I have banned myself from messaging him in between now and then. I am listening to advice. It's just not that easy to do it on the spot when it is a matter of saying goodbye to something I've been wanting for more than 3 years and starting again.

Sorry if that sounds defensive, but I am listening to you all and trying to take advice. Just in my own time!

Good luck with this. It's hard to hear this kind of tough love when you genuinely care about someone and want to think the best of them. I guess in time he'll be enough of a selfish twat for you to see it as clearly as pp on here do. MN is always here for you!

But don't be surprised if he does do them. Manipulative and 'user' people are very canny and can usually pinpoint the things to do to keep in their victim's good graces. They know how to keep you sweet. And they know just the bare minimum of effort they have to put out to keep you that way.

Dump him.

Rhubarb

I get that you don't want to be alone, I get that you love him... BUT he's in his 50's, he's not going to suddenly turn into who you want him to be.

A man that stays away because he knows you are angry

Sorry. Posted by accident...

A man that stays away because you are angry, isn't one you want to be in a relationship with. They will also lie 'for your own good' (keep themselves out if bother£, blame you for everything, act like they're hard done by & really just break you.

i really think you need to bite the bullet now, break it off. Sort your head out & start again.

Sorry. My connection is playing up. I cross posted with your last post.

As others have said, don't be surprised if he does the bare minimum to keep you sweet.

But yeah. It can wait until next weekend, just don't lose your momentum!

Poor you Op. For what it's worth, I do understand how you must feel. I was in my late 30s trying to work out how to pin down a commitment phobe boyfriend (long term) to marriage and kids. Thankfully it finished (he dumped me in the end!) and i met my wonderful DP and am a mum. I think mumsnet is wonderful but the views are sometimes phrased in quite an extreme way...bin the arsehole being a common theme and so i understand why you might post asking for advice but not completely follow it through...on this occasion thr mumsnet community have got it right though. No decent kind man (which is surely the type you want as father to your kids) would write that response. But i think it's a bit of a red herring. The bigger issue is he knows you want kids, he knows your age and he still isn't giving you an answer. If he cared, this would be his top priority. Don't think the only options are donor sperm. Find a nice man to do it naturally. Your ex sounds like a good start! Definitely bin this one. It's like that book 'he's just not that into you'. Men in love don't behave like that I'm afraid. They might at a pinch get too trashed with their mates after a match but then they would apologise profusely! Not be rude and blame it on you!! He doesn't love you OP. I also think he'll finish it soon enough even if you don't. You'll meet someone fabulous who loves you and wonder at how you could have ever entertained such a nob jockey!

Ps i get waiting till the weekend re work but just forget all that counselling bollocks..just tell him you are busy but you need to talk to him this weekend. Or you need to think till then. Stay strong though!

Good luck Rhubarb.

Take care of yourself.

He's in his 50s, no kids, going up the football, getting bladdered with his mates; why the bloody hell would he give all that up??? He loves his life!!! Bit of a shag thrown in too. I'm actually quite envious, I know dh would be! . He's not going to change, why would he??? Take care of yourself.

I don't think punting the decision to the weekend is necessarily a bad thing if it gets you through a tough week.

Whoever somewhere up there ^^ said this was WAAAAY too much drama for a 6-month relationship was bang on the money, though. It really shouldn't be this hard. You should still be in the honeymoon phase.

Hey OP - I'm sorry. We all know this guy's not good for you. I agree with the other posters. What I don't get is why you are giving him some tasks to do as a test. And why wait? It wont change anything.

I haven't read all the posts, but I can see that you're really hoping he changes and that you become as important to him as he is to you. He will only change if he wants to.

He gets everything his way, bar doing a few things to keep you happy, so why will he change?

Sorry, I know it's hard to want more. You deserve more. Could you spend more time with friends and have a break?

He'll either step up to the mark if you give him the space to, or everthing will end and it was heading that way anyway.

Sometimes when a bad partner fucks up, it can give you a little spark of hope because you feel like finally they'll acknowledge what they've done to you. And the feeling that you are "in control" because you're the wronged party and can set the terms of the new relationship can feel bloody good, like Christmas come early.

Sadly this feeling is massively offset by absolute and mostly inevitable disappointment. The wounds will be re-opened. He will do the same things again.

If even a tiny part of you is thinking that his apology means he cares and values you, that this might mean he'll give you a longed-for child if it means keeping you, I would understand that feeling. In many ways it makes sense. You now sort of have the upper hand.

But is that any basis for having a child together? Will you be content, happy, secure, fulfilled in this situation with night feeds and god knows what else on top? Will the both of you survive if your child is born with a life-limiting disability, which is a risk of conceiving over 40?

Tough questions. I feel awful for you OP, he is a knob. You deserve better. Maybe it's best to do this baby thing alone?

Why are some people so cross with Rhubarb for giving him a chance?

I agree that he doesn't sound like much of a catch, but she loves him and none of us is perfect. We have only heard the worst about him, because Rhubarb submitted her original post when she was understandably hurt by her boyfriend's unkind message. He must have some good points though, or Rhubarb would not have fallen in love with him in the first place. Perhaps for the time being his good points outweigh the bad and we cannot make a firm judgment based solely on what we know.

I believe it is disingenuous and unkind to suggest that she lacks self respect, because she has taken her own decision instead of that of others.

It is easy to give 'dump the bastard' advice and it might well be good advice, but we do not know. Only Rhubarb can make that decision. It is far easier to give advice than it is to act on it and I am sure that many of us - if we are prepared to be honest with ourselves - would not be quick to take our own good advice if we were to find ourselves in a similar position.

Good luck Rhubarb, I hope you find happiness whatever decision you make.

Rhubarb, do what's best for you. Some people on mumsnet treat other people's relationships like soap operas. If you find it easier to give him a chance to remedy this rather than create some dramatic, feisty 'you go, girl' break up which will entertain people on here, go for it. It sounds like you're intelligent enough to know that if he doesn't take the chance you've given him, you'll get rid. Good luck.

This dude isn't that into you. You would be very sensible to dump him and move on...

Hello Rhubarb, was wondering how you are, hope everything is okay x

Sorry that you're so sad OP. When you said that you can't 'finish it with him at the start of the week because you'd be too sad to get through the week', that's really telling and very sad.

You're so in his thrall that he can do anything to you and you'll take it. I think it's that 'sunk cost fallacy' that you're falling for - and I think most of us have done that at some point - but really, he's just a road-block. He's actually stopping you meeting somebody who would prioritise you and treat you well. That's mean of him - and daft of you.

You deserve better, so much better. If you have to keep telling this thoughtless man every step that he needs to take then he really doesn't care at all, does he? How exhausting - and soul-destroying for you. If and when he meets somebody that he really wants, watch him do all the running and wooing. I hope you'll be long gone by then so that you never have to see it.

You're an option, not a priority for him.

How are you doing OP?